Sometimes Life Gets in the Way
By Tessa Barbosa | September 30, 2024 |
Do you want to know the truth? My first novel came out last year. I was SO excited to finally have the book out in the world. It took seven years between the first draft and publication. I had a lot of fun meeting writers and readers, because I love talking about stories. I didn’t even mind the promo!
But I was falling apart, struggling with anxiety attacks, and depression. I ended a 16 year marriage. My father got cancer and I moved in to help care for him. He died before the book came out. I also had to navigate deadlines for two careers, single parenting two young children, legal paperwork, and trying to find a place to live in an expensive city, while dealing with an uncooperative ex.
I had minutes to rush my makeup for events. Some days I had to jump from feeding a toddler straight into a Zoom calls. I was filming videos in a corner of my old bedroom in my Mom’s house, and living out of my luggage. I’ve gone to book panels shaking, because I spent so much energy de-escalating a child’s meltdown right before. I was sick constantly thanks to daycare germs. I was a complete mess.
Getting published didn’t change my life, but the story gave me something to look forward to when there was nothing else. I will forever be grateful for the experience.
These days, I’m still struggling. Therapy helps, but it can’t fix the times that I need a break for a few minutes, or the time to eat a proper meal, or when one of my kids is having a tantrum in the middle of a store. My skin has responded to all the stress by breaking out like I’m a teenager again.
I cover up my pimples and put on a smile. I film videos that I don’t rewatch, because I can’t stand to look at myself. I delete a lot of them. Somehow, I still make my deadlines. I keep driving the same rusty old car with a trunk that fills up with water when it rains and pray that it doesn’t die on me. I force myself to take photos of myself, because I lived too long without documentation of my life. I hope that one day, things will be easier, and I won’t have to just pretend that I am ok. I hope that one day I’ll feel more confident, and comfortable in this body, because I have time to take care of myself again.
Can anyone tell I’m just faking it? I don’t know.
I feel guilty that I can’t do more. I want to be present. I want to be productive. But I am so exhausted. I can feel a new story bubbling up inside, but every time I sit down to try and let it out, I can’t. The words feel flat. Nothing seems to work…
And maybe that’s okay? Perhaps this is just my season to grow roots under the dark soil, and not for blooming.
Are there times you couldn’t write? How did it pass?
Tessa Barbosa writes novels by night, and software help by day. THE MOONLIGHT BLADE is her debut YA Fantasy novel. Tessa lives in Vancouver, Canada and when she’s not at the keyboard, she’s covered in paint, or making things. Keep up to date at tessabarbosa.com or @HiTessaBarbosa on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok
Tessa, Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your honesty and courage to share it. That is a lot of stressful events to deal with all at once—losing a family member, shedding a partnership, moving, and caring for the needs of everyone else close to you dealing with the same losses. It’s ok not to be ok. To answer your questions…There were definitely times I couldn’t write for similar reasons. I was very prolific until 2019, when I was diagnosed with a serious health issue that sucked all my creative energy into a black hole. Covid happened after that, and then my mother was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and my sisters and I assisted my father with her care on a long deterioration, complicated by my father’s denial. Add the threat of losing my job, and my creative shingle rolled up and took a long vacation. My mom died 18 months ago and after a period of mourning for all things lost, a new chapter has begun: shift in lifestyle, regained health, leaving my day job, pursuing a new passion and a new career. Creativity has returned but priorities have changed, and that’s ok too. In my experience, it’s ok not to be ok. Give yourself grace, self-compassion, and time. Healing will come 🙏🏻
PS I love your book cover!
Life is hard, writing is not.
Life is expensive, writing is free.
Publication is work, writing is play.
Some people suck, writing friends are great.
Printers are evil, word processing is divine.
We struggle too much, we write too little.
You’ve had a terrible year, but you wrote this post.
So what’s the answer? You made it obvious.
Thanks.
Life is not easy. We all struggle in different ways. The key, I think, is to do what you’ve done. Admit the difficulties so you can deal with them. Cry when you need to, then fancy yourself up to be the person you want to be. Plow through knowing you CAN and WILL figure shit out. Only you control your destiny, and you only get one life. Make it count, my friend.
Hugs,
Dee
Tessa, I’m so sorry for all of your loss and stress. You’ve been through such extensive upheaval–one life earthquake after another–that it’s no wonder you question your footing now, what you can rely on, and if it’s safe and sensible to imagine a world that isn’t the one you’re living in. I get it. You’re not crazy; you’re traumatized. And you will recover your sense of self and your energy. You will. You will.
When reality tips on me, I consciously downshift my writing. Rather than open my WIP, I let the characters wander through my imagination without a timeline; I think about one small story issue while showering or walking; I use a notebook and pencil to jot down ideas without the pressure to make anything resembling art. In another notebook, I journal, capturing the path of my thoughts in general; sometimes those entries empower by revealing how I sabotage myself.
What you wrote about growing seeds is spot on. Focusing on how you’ll bring sunlight and nourishment to your life will trickle down to those seeds. So for now: Be kind to yourself.
Tessa, big hugs to you. And Therese, I’m echoing your words to Tessa, “You’re not crazy, you’re traumatized.”
Tessa, you have a very full life task as you care for your children, work etc. Taking care of yourself is the very best thing you can do for your little ones. They watch and they learn from you that life isn’t always charmed, that grief and loss are real, and that by taking care of your own needs you have value and they will learn to appreciate that they have value too. Be kind to yourself. The writing will come again when the time is right.
Big hug to you Tessa!
And Therese … your one little paragraph on what to do when reality tips was just what I needed to hear today, as I’m coping with how life’s mini-dramas can occasionally overwhelm. Thanks…💕
Christine, I’m so glad those ideas helped you today. Hugs to you, too, friend.
Tessa, I’m so sorry you’ve had all these challenges. I hope you take time to congratulate yourself on carrying on despite what life has thrown you. Writing a novel is an amazing accomplishment. Even writing this article takes time and thought and I appreciate the courage it takes to open yourself like this, too. I hope there’s a rainbow for you soon.
As for me, I’ve been hit by serious back issues, which makes it challenging for me to sit or stand for any period. I’ve been referred to a surgeon. We’ll see how it goes. It’s put a cramp in my writing and thoughts about the future, but I’m thankful I’ve done what I’ve done and despite the prognosis, I’m imagining a silver lining.
Hugs, Diana
Single parenting two small children is a lot. I did that. A dream job (not writing!) opened up close to my parents so they could help and I could pay my bills/debts. It was a struggle then. How can it not be a struggle now?
There are fallow times in life and children are only young for such a little time. My story waited for some years and now is shaping up, not the same story, but still good (I think!?). You have a novel published and you’ll have energy someday to write down that bubbling story idea. Your readers are waiting!
Writers WRITE, because they have a burning desire to share LIFE, EXPERIENCES, LOVE and even SORROW.
And strength is always required. So Tessa, thanks for your post. Because truly….it is hard to share one’s sorrow and pain. Maybe when you reread this post, it will be a reminder of your strength. PAIN often becomes a creative force. Knowing how to use that force is the true aspect of being a writer. I have sat at the computer with tears flowing…an opportunity to GET IT DOWN…those human experiences. YOU DID THAT!! Beth
Right now, I’m in a similar state, but different. None of us here are into oneupmanship, trying to outdo the others with our stories, and we read others’ difficulties with great sympathy. My situation? I’m 79. My 14th published book was released in August. I’m working on a book I’ve been trying to write for at least 10 years. I need to write it but my energy levels are so low. Where I used to write for 3 hours a day, I can now barely write for an hour. And the book isn’t working. A third of the way into it and it’s not what I want it to be. But I sit at the computer each day and write, much of which will be erased. In the past, the right idea came to me, so I have hope. We all do when things don’t go well. Either we finish this book or we go on to another one. As writers, we have to. Even when it doesn’t go well, the doing of it is hard to avoid.
Tessa, I’m so sorry for the difficult times you have gone through–so much loss, so much sorrow, so much stress. I pray that the writing will bring you much solace. Yes, there are seasons in life when all we can do is what is necessary. The care of children will always come first. It is amazing how resilient the human soul is, how we rise to meet the challenges of life. Thank you for writing and I hope that sharing these tough times with us has lightened your load.
Writing is a gift. You are a gift. Congratulations on your publication and on making brave changes. Thank you for sharing your struggle. You are not alone.
Oh Tessa. Yeah, life has definitely gotten in the way for me and I had to downgrade my hopes for writing time in a big way. What has gotten me through is to not stop seeing myself as a writer. Broadening the definition of what “counts” as writing to include imagining, feeding my creativity, making notes on scratch pads, finishing blog posts. Taking solo walks, because my mind always wanders into a story when I’m walking. Do what you can, not what you can’t. Life will shift, and if you keep your writing spark alive, it’ll be ready for you to give it oxygen. Much love to you!
Hi Tessa,
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I wish I could say I can’t relate. Different drama, but I totally get it about life getting in the way. Thank you for sharing your struggle and please know you aren’t alone.
Congratulations on getting to where you are. So sorry it’s been such a tough trip. Pat yourself on the back. If you can’t reach it, get somebody else to do it. Remember all you’ve accomplished, and maybe what Winston Churchill said, When you’re going through Hell–keep going! You got this!!
When there’s two toddlers in the room, my lived advice is to embrace the limitations of your free time, the way a poet embraces a form. No, you can’t write a novel when children are hanging on your legs, or you’re exhausted, but you can tell a story. Everything is a story. Every child knows that. They’ll teach you, if you don’t know. They’re good at songwriting too.
Other forms of creativity, more hands on, that you can share with them, might be your outlet for a while. Written words were not the first form of story, they are definitely not the only form. And the novel form is just a blink of time in our history. If you do find some niche of time with a rested mind, this might be a season for poetry or short story, or a novel without a deadline. Whatever it is, embrace it, listen for story and you will one day be sharing stories again, in a form that is deep with your wisdom.
Hang in there.
Hi Tessa. I am so sorry for all the things you’re facing and the major life shifts you’ve been dealing with. Any one of those could easily derail a person’s productivity as a writer. All of them at once is a lot.
In a nine month period between October 2021 and July 2022, my mother, father, step father, and mother-in-law all passed away. Admittedly, my relationships with all four people were…complicated, so I was left with a wide range of feelings. And a short period in which to try grappling with them.
I also found that a lot of my drive to write and be published shifted. I came to realize that a lot of my drive for my writing was about either impressing one or more of them or giving them a big “eff you” depending on the day.
I’m now trying to find my way back into my writing but with the work being about making *me* happy and not for external validation. I feel a bit like I’m re-learning what I write and why I write.
As someone already said, I don’t share these points in a game of oneupmanship nor to mine for sympathy from others.
Instead, I wanted it to be an example that with so many things in your life changing this significantly, you might come to realize that the *why* of your writing is changing. Until I realized that about myself, I kept feeling like I was pushing the boulder of my WIP up a hill but without any creative energy flowing to it.
Now, I’m realizing the story I was working on might no longer be the one I need to tell.
Oh, it is not easy being a single mother in the arts. I was. Don’t know how I survived it. At one point, I was living in my car. Your heartfelt post tore the scab right off those wounds.
But you WILL survive this. You absolutely will. There might be times when you think that you won’t. But you will emerge a different creature than you are now. Tired, yes, but strong. Centered. Unfuckwithable. You will join the ranks of Women Who Survived. You will like it there.
All you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Accept life’s chaos and imperfection. Remember that parenting is nothing more than a series of spectacular failures. We do our best. And we all fall short.
Just keep going. Like Schrodinger’s cat, you will be both dead and alive. It’s all right. You’re not alone.
Never stop writing.
I think we can all relate to this challenge! Part of why writers (and other artists) feel the struggle so acutely is because we tend to notice everything in high definition. But when mental and physical exhaustion set in, I have found that writing energises both mind and body. Just as physical exercise actually wakes your body, creativity wakes your mind…and your body in turn. Creativity is better than espresso!
Dear Tessa, may you feel seen and heard in the midst of your vulnerability. Life is hard and some days we just find the strength to get out of bed and face the day. But you’re doing that and that takes strength, courage, liability to be authentic with your emotions. Thank you for sharing. Now that you do not walk this journey alone.
Tessa, it sounds so hard. No, it IS hard. I have no clue about raising children, but I have some about pain and sorrow. There have been, and are, some broken lights in your life, but may those shards soon be swept away and new brightness shining in. Best to you.
I feel for you, Tessa. For the last fifteen years I have been living with my parents — first to help my mother care for my father in his last years, living with dementia, then to care for my mother after her stroke. At first, I was frustrated, and not a little angry, even blaming them for interfering with my writing and career. Lately though I’ve come to think of life not as “getting in the way,” but as “happening.” Life happens (until it doesn’t, an alternative I’d like to put off a while). You pivot, adjust, meet the challenges that arise along the way. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s helps me find peace. Maybe it’s how my parents managed to raise six kids on a tight budget in a house with three bedrooms and one bathroom without giving at least one of us away.
Soldier on, Tessa! You have a lot of people in your corner.
I’m sorry I can’t reply to everyone individually, but thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I’ve read each one of your comments and will take them to heart. <3
Tessa, I’m vibing with this post so hard. But what really sticks with me is this: “Perhaps this is just my season to grow roots under the dark soil, and not for blooming.”
Yes, you are struggling, and that struggle is real. But dam*, girl – don’t ever doubt that you can write. I’m posting this quote on my inspiration wall, and then I’m off to buy your book.
I haven’t done any real writing in ages now, and I’m slowly coming to terms with it, giving myself some grace and recognizing the season of life I’m in. I’m a working mom too, and trying to manage those aspects of my life is taking all the energy and mental space I can manage right now. I watch other authors doing book events, panels, workshops, networking, publishing new books and winning awards, and it hurts to feel like others are living out my dreams. But, I have responsibilities I can’t put aside right now, and I can only show myself some kindness and wait for the next season of life, when hopefully I’ll find that creative spark again. ♥️
Bought your book :-) Thank you for sharing your story–my heart goes out to you, and I am in awe of your strength and sheer grit. I found the ‘under-5’ years with my two boys very, very tough, and that was without all the challenges you have, so please, make sure you are consistently tender and compassionate with yourself. You are doing an amazing job in incredibly difficult circumstances. On a tip from my therapist, when my kids were at their neediest, I kept a notebook with me where I wrote down all the writing-related thoughts, ideas and plans that I didn’t have the opportunity to follow through on right then That way, I kept the dream alive, and I didn’t ‘lose’ any of those ideas. Don’t quit writing, just rest (Banksy).
Oh my goodness, Tessa! I am late to this post, but wow, my heart goes out to you. That’s such a load to carry, and yet here you are, carrying it. ❤️ Yes, this is just a season, and yes, it will pass. Hang in there! The best thing about writing, as I often remind myself, is that it will always be there for you.
Yes, Tessa there were times when I couldn’t write. Most recently began about a year ago when a dear friend died. All of a sudden, not only could I not write, I couldn’t open my laptop. I developed a strong aversion to looking at my work or talking about it or doing anything with it. I had an edited manuscript ready to be published and I couldn’t move forward with it. I barely, barely managed to enter it into a contest. For six months I didn’t know why this time was different from other writing lulls. It was through a series of events and a lot of journaling that I finally realized why I couldn’t write. I was grieving. I was in mourning over the loss of my friend. She’d been in so much pain for so long that initially, all I thought I felt was relief that her suffering had ended. But later I began to realize what a huge whole was left in my life with her passing. All this to say, from reading about what you’re going through, it sounds like grief is playing a big part in your inability to write. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to mourn your losses. My manuscript won first place in its category. I started writing again. You will too. Hugs.