Books Bring Us Together
By Jim Dempsey | December 12, 2023 |
My book group just had our Christmas dinner. It was such a good night we hardly discussed this month’s book (Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin). While we were all chatting, a man put his hand on my shoulder, leaned into me and said, ‘I don’t know what you’ve done or how you did it, but,’ he looked up at my book club colleagues, ‘Well done, buddy.’ And he finished with a hearty pat on my back.
Why did he say this?
He seemed to be impressed that I was the only man among 16 women.
I was too slow to react, trying to work out how I knew this guy. But I didn’t. He was a stranger.
One of our group was much quicker. She called out, ‘Read more books, mate!’
I joined the group about 18 months ago, when I first moved to this city. It seemed like a good way to meet people through a shared interest in books. I didn’t know they’d be all women, although I could’ve guessed. In any book club I’ve been , wherever, in the world, I’m usually the only guy.
But I wasn’t there to meet women. I was there to meet people. And maybe even make friends.
Developing trust
It can be easy to meet people (for some of us) when you move to a new place. And some of those people might even be friendly people. But it’s more difficult to make friends.
You might spend time with those first people you meet – go for dinner, have a coffee or visit some of the local sights – but to become friends with them, really friends, takes something extra.
It’s difficult to pin down what makes truly great friends. You’re likely to have shared interests, values and experiences, for example.
A love of books is a good place to start, I thought. But if you only meet once a month and not everyone has much time to hang around after the discussion, it can take a while to really get to know the people and become anything like good buddies.
Then I met someone who wanted to start a group to discuss Stoic philosophy. I knew more or less what stoicism was about after a friend – a true friend – had introduced me to Marcus Aurelius some years ago, so I joined this group too.
This also involves books, and we have readings each time on a particular topic. In our last meeting, we happened to discuss friendship. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said this about it:
Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself…’
Clearly Seneca should join a book club to have the chance to make some female friends, and he seems pretty intense too. I don’t think every friend has to be on the heart and soul level. I have a friend with whom I could leave a bag of money in small notes and know he would never touch a single one, but I can’t believe everything he tells me. But then I love fiction. I have another very good friend who will arrange to meet me tomorrow for lunch only to send an apology some time after dinner that evening. But there is no one I would trust more to look after my dog. And that’s a huge amount of trust.
Building bridges
I think Seneca is right, though, when he says you should ponder for while to see whether someone is really going to be a friend. We only need to look at literature to see how some friendships can go wrong. Donna Tartt’s The Secret History comes to mind.
But through the stoicism group, I met someone who organizes a spoken word evening. People perform their own work in a very cool café every other month. I joined the next time – as a spectator. Afterwards, I got talking to the organizer and we decided to expand the idea and start a writers group.
This is much more my thing – give feedback, do some writing exercises and generally support writers.
Our first meeting was fantastic. After so many years of working as an editor, I saw I really had something to offer the group. People were inspired, enthusiastic and motivated to write more, to take their ideas further and make their stories even better.
As an icebreaker, we wrote a 50-word biography that contained one lie. The rest of us had to work out what the lie was. It’s a variation on the old two truths and a lie game. None of us knew each other very well, so it was the perfect exercise to learn more about the other writers. We all embellished our stories with the more interesting aspects of our lives to throw the others off the scent. And that helped us to remember particular details about each person and gain an insight into their lives.
The meeting went so well that we’ve already planned the next. So maybe this will be the way to meet some great friends in my new city. Whatever happens, though, I’m sure that books will be my bridge to getting to know people.
Have you met good friends through books? What other ways do books bring us together?
Jim Dempsey (he/him) is a book editor who specializes in detailed analysis and editing of novel manuscripts through his company, Novel Gazing. He has worked as an editor for more than 20 years. He has a master’s degree in creative writing and is a professional member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading and is a trustee of the Arkbound Foundation. Jim is fascinated by the similarities between fiction and psychotherapy, since both investigate the human condition, the things that make us uniquely human. He explores this at The Fiction Therapist website. If you have a specific concern with your novel, send an email to jim [at] thefictiontherapist.com, or visit the website to ask for a free sample edit. You can follow Jim on Instagram @the_fiction_therapist.
I’m still friends with two of the women I met twenty years ago in a critique group. And I’ve found that by sharing books that have moved me with people I love, those stories have opened up conversation and spaces for healing. Also for joy. Storytellers are weavers of glorious webs!
Hello Jim, and thanks for your post. Other than scratching my head at how a man clapped you on the shoulder in a room where you were the only man (someone’s husband?), what is food for thought for me is the absence of men in book-reading groups. I don’t think men have ever been much for such groups, but I am old enough to remember a time when American men read mainstream fiction, not just “guy novels” (everyone knows what I mean), or fantasy, or science fiction. Unless the reader is a male friend of the author (usually a woman), or is involved with publishing in some way, I don’t think many American males read realistic fiction now. If they read books, non-fiction = realism. Why? Of course exceptions can be found, but from what I see, realistic fiction has become the province of clever women writing for younger readers and women readers. If I’m wrong (always an all too real possibility), someone please educate me.
Barry, I think you’ve put your finger on it: Men (in this culture) not only don’t read much, they don’t care much about the arts, period. It’s not wealthy men dragging their wives to the symphony. And they are not joiners. Gosh, am I generalizing? If you want to find a group of men passionately discussing something, go to the comments section of an online sports magazine.
Because of my career path (corporate propaganda), I have often been the only man in the room. I salute Jim for not overthinking it, and I wish I could find a book group like that (men can come, too) in my town.
Michael: I absolutely wish the same thing.
Men, especially older men, are some of my favorite readers, and especially favorite reviewers. I love it when, somewhere in their review it says, “I normally don’t read this kind of book, but…” Fist pump! Caught another one in a favorite demographic. Now I wish they went to book club meetings and shared.
The male reader of mainstream fiction who will read self-published work and review is a Holy Grail.
I taught myself how to write fiction that attracts men AND women – love it when someone falls for it.
Jim, I can’t address men in writing groups, I don’t belong to any. That would mean being physically in a group. I don’t have the time or interest. My contact with men writers is through WordPress followers. And there are plenty of men that fully participate in shared book interests and education. I do collaborate by phone and text messages with a screenwriter friend. We have weekly consult on our writing progress. We both benefit from this. It seems that your group participation has paid off. 📚Christine
I think we must have the same friend! We even gave him a nickname because he cancels so many plans – but he’d do anything for our dogs. Just goes to show how layered people are. A good reminder for me when creating characters!
The standard joke is that women join book clubs as an excuse to get together with other women and drink wine. A friend of mine, new to a region famous for its wine, did just that — although she enjoys reading as well; it was a good way to make friends. The club gradually morphed into a trivia game club, with gatherings held in wine bars. Fun, I’m sure. Another friend led a book group sponsored by her church, specifically for older women; the books they read were exclusively mysteries featuring detectives who were also clergy persons. The one meeting I attended featured lots of sushi to nibble, tea (but no wine), and gossip. It was an excellent experience for people who perhaps don’t have many opportunities to socialize, but not terrifically literary.
Are there cultural differences? I have been in three different book groups that both women and men take part in (two literary, one sff; one in England, two in Wales).
Frances: this perfectly underscores why I made a point of referring to American men. Brits of all gender variations still admire and reward realistic fiction. They even award the Booker to such novels. But that’s a hell of a commute for someone here who’d like to join a group.
Jim, I love the 50-word bio plus a lie formula. As a confirmed liar, I’m curious how effective was your lying and detecting? The premise sounds like a good catalyst for conversation and fun.
I haven’t been in a book group, but I’ve thought about looking for one a few times. In checking Meetup for groups in my area today, I see several, the biggest of which promotes “Enjoy chatting about books over a glass of beer or wine? Each month will feature a book from a different genre.”
There are 200 people in that group (likely all liars), but the description sounded inviting. And the sampling of profile shots shows a mix of men and women, weighted toward women, but men as a sound percentage. As a guy who reads a lot of literary fiction and yet is so manly he shaves, I also know of many shaving manly types who enjoy reading mainstream fiction. Weirdos, I know…
Jim, I believe the lack of interest some men have in book clubs is due to the same reason why there aren’t too many male collectives for anything now – people seem to assume that men (especially young men) gathering in groups is bad news; something unpleasant is about to happen and everyone (particularly females) should be wary. I’ve found that many people now assume that men need women to be whole and complete and to function normally. It feeds into the myths of testosterone poisoning and toxic masculinity. No one makes the same assumption that women must have a man in their lives – at least not in the current social climate. Some nightclubs, for example, won’t admit solitary men or a group of men. Several years ago some reality adventure show featured contestants vying for some ubiquitous prize (not “Survivor”); the primary requisite was that each group must include at least one female. I recall, in the 1990s, some men in Houston, Texas wanted to establish a group to deter teenage boys and very young men away from the gang lifestyle and steer them back into educational or work environments. But the plan was derailed because several female educators in the city demanded a similar program for girls. The problem, stated one of the men, was that boys and young men were being violent towards one another – not towards females. I don’t know whatever came of it, if anything.
Indeed, we need to stir men, including young males, back towards the literary arts and encourage all of them to become educated and enlightened. There’s nothing effeminate or queer about that, which seems to be an unpleasant assumption among younger men.