Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?

By Ray Rhamey  |  May 18, 2023  | 

Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often<em? make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.

Here’s the question:

Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.

So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.

Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.

How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?

NOTE: a query letter would likely have let the agent know that this is fantasy and that dragons are involved.

Conscription Day is always the deadliest. Maybe that’s why the sunrise is especially beautiful this morning—because I know it might be my last.

I tighten the straps of my heavy canvas rucksack and trudge up the wide staircase of the stone fortress I call home. My chest heaves with exertion, my lungs burning by the time I reach the stone corridor leading to General Sorrengail’s office. This is what six months of intense physical training has given me—the ability to barely climb six flights of stairs with a thirty-pound pack.

I’m so fucked.

The thousands of twenty-year-olds waiting outside the gate to enter their chosen quadrant for service are the smartest and strongest in Navarre. Hundreds of them have been preparing for the Riders Quadrant, the chance to become one of the elite, since birth. I’ve had exactly six months.

The expressionless guards lining the wide hallway at the top of the landing avoid my eyes as I pass, but that’s nothing new. Besides, being ignored is the best possible scenario for me.

Basgiath War College isn’t known for being kind to…well, anyone, even those of us whose mothers are in command.

Every Navarrian officer, whether they choose to be schooled as healers, scribes, infantry, (snip)

Were you moved to want more?

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You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.

This novel was number two on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for May 21, 2023. Were the opening pages of the first chapter of Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros compelling?

My vote: Yes.

This book received 4.9 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I’m a fan of fantasy, so that wasn’t the barrier for me that it likely is for some of you. The first-person present tense is common among stories for young adults or new adult readers, so try not to let that affect your critique.

Storywise, this opening is okay, but it could have been better. We meet a sympathetic character, an underdog who believes they are facing death but is soldering on. That was enough for me, however . . .

Here’s the part that could have made it stronger. Where I’ve broken the narrative off, there followed exposition about the dangers students face. I would have traded that for this, which came just a few lines later:

“You’re sending her to die!” a familiar voice thunders through the general’s thick wooden door

That would have guaranteed a page turn from me. Your thoughts?

You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.

To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.

[coffee]

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18 Comments

  1. Will Hahn on May 18, 2023 at 9:21 am

    This IS my genre, not that it matters as you say but it makes the “No” a little more puzzling to me. The writing is not poor, but neither is it well directed. Trudging to doom, fine- but when I’m trying to place “when and where”, it doesn’t help to use “rucksack, general” or marching with 30-lb pack. These are all modern real-world references. Even Navarre with stone fortress could easily be WW2.
    He used the word “healers” in the last line, my first reliable clue that this was fantasy. And he never said dragon. You did.
    The whole page reeked of fantasy overlaid on a military fiction plot.



    • Elizabeth R. on May 18, 2023 at 11:14 am

      Same as you, Will! Fantasy fan here, and I suspected this was my genre, but I still wasn’t sure. Which isn’t great if you can’t tell if it’s military history or fantasy right away! It didn’t feel unique or engaging, so I think if I were just reading a single page, deciding what book to buy, I’d put it back. I agree with Ray that less trudging through stone and more of the stakes would have been better. Or somehow a sense of urgency. I was surprised at my “no” too, but my tbr pile is already massive, so perhaps I’m just being more picky these days :)



    • Susan on May 18, 2023 at 1:34 pm

      I couldn’t vote. I took your advice to read on, and I’m a yes because I started reading in earnest. Now, had additional pages not been available I would have flipped to read the back cover blurb to check the story (as the first page for me was a no, but I love dragons and so would put in the extra effort).

      Thank you, Ray, for always preparing this delightful experience for us.



  2. Laureen A. on May 18, 2023 at 10:17 am

    I was curious enough about why this character only had 6 months to train to say, yes I’ll turn the page.
    I wasn’t thrilled by the overtly military feeling, and felt some of the details were unneeded filler words, but overall, I’d pick this up as a summer read.

    Funnily enough, I generally flip to the middle of a book and start reading there when deciding to purchase or not, because it’s fully developed at that point and gives a better idea of the story than the first page ever will.



  3. Donald Maass on May 18, 2023 at 10:40 am

    This opening page is well done yet is also standard issue. The narrative voice is strong yet also a contemporary voice (“I’m so fucked.”), a trick to make the fantasy world feel familiar, like hey, it’s really kinda like high school, ya know?

    The narrator is also begging for sympathy. Man, other kids get all the advantages, ya know? Me? “I’m so fucked.”

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this first page just, so far, nothing that’s terribly original. It sticks to the formula for YA appeal, nothing wrong with that just not much to motivate this longtime fantasy reader to get excited. I voted “meh”.



  4. Keith Cronin on May 18, 2023 at 10:58 am

    I voted yes, mostly because I liked the informal, conversational voice, and the candid self-assessment of the character’s chances.

    And Roy, you’re right – including that line you mentioned would have been the perfect stinger for the first page!



  5. Anna Chapman on May 18, 2023 at 11:09 am

    I voted yes for a change, despite the less-than-sparkling writing, perhaps influenced by Ray’s tipoff about dragons (old Anne McCaffrey fan here), the rigors of a steep upward climb (reminiscent of many a high-altitude hike), and the provocative hint that the narrator’s stern commander is also Mom. Oh, how I tried to ignore those influences and focus only on the writing! But alas.



  6. Joyce Reynolds-Ward on May 18, 2023 at 11:24 am

    I read and write SFF and this just didn’t grab me. Too many contemporary references, too generic a story. I’m with Donald on this one–it’s a solid “meh” for me.



  7. Grumpy on May 18, 2023 at 12:49 pm

    Fantasy is NOT my genre, and certainly not YA fantasy, but I voted “yes” because I was interested to know why someone in such bad physical condition, obviously about to undergo a test with possibly fatal consequences, was going through with it. Were they merely conscripted? By the laws of popular fiction, that seemed unlikely. The narrator must have a special mission, or calling, or ordeal they are commanded to fulfill. This notion is reinforced by the eager mobs waiting to begin the ordeal. I want to know what it is that drives this individual to do this. (But of course, in real life, I would not actually buy a book of YA fantasy based on the first page alone — like one of the commenters above, I would first flip to a page in the middle of the book — maybe a couple of them, at random — to see what goes on. Dragons, meh.)



  8. Michael Johnson on May 18, 2023 at 1:24 pm

    I voted yes because the writer set a scene and managed to suggest in a few words that a mortal trial is about to come for someone who’s unprepared. Also, we don’t the sex of the narrator yet, but we know that Mom’s in charge of the whole show. I agree with Grumpy that dragons have been done, but there are dragons and there are dragons. I would turn the page.



  9. Jeanie S. on May 18, 2023 at 3:00 pm

    Ray’s first line — much better. The first page seems a little scattered, trying to do too much. Agree with Don on the “I’m so fucked.” It could work, but not where it is right now. We all like an underdog, but it’s not clear the narrator is one.



  10. Beth on May 18, 2023 at 4:10 pm

    I’m a reader and writer of fantasy, so I really wanted to like this entry. And I love dragons.

    But I thought the first page was boring. Climbing the stairs interspersed with exposition. The prose struck me as generic and stale–nothing fresh or artful about it–and the voice matched. If Ray’s suggested line had been at or near the top, that would have enlivened things, especially if it led right into Story and Character instead of giving us plodding exposition.

    I voted a disappointed No. And “meh.”



  11. deborahgraywine on May 18, 2023 at 5:34 pm

    My love of fantasy started young and has never left me. I didn’t know there were dragons, of course, by this first page, but I’m assuming there would be more on the cover or flyleaf and I could make a better determination. It’s hard to know from just this opening snippet, but I voted before I know it was a bestseller and my vote was yes. I was intrigued enough to read on.



  12. Christine Venzon on May 18, 2023 at 10:05 pm

    I voted yes, but not with particular enthusiasm. That seems to be the judgment of the whole WU community, given the near tie of the results.) I found the voice engaging; the character, such as was revealed in that snippet, sympathetic, likable, and most importantly, real. I probably would have stuck around for a few more pages in hopes that the characters and story get stronger. If not, I’d pass.



  13. Rebecca Vance on May 18, 2023 at 11:48 pm

    Definitely not my genre, but I read it. I would have to say no. I really dislike military stories, and this didn’t spark an interest for me.



  14. Sue on May 19, 2023 at 10:36 am

    I immediately felt a fantasy/YA vibe, so to be honest, I barely got through what was there. It read like something out of Hunger Games. Not my bag. So yes, I was biased.



  15. Will Remains on May 20, 2023 at 10:56 am

    I like fantasy but this didn’t grab me. I didn’t hate it but the writing was just so-so. The “I’m so fucked” suggests a more interesting narrator than we saw in the rather humdrum opening paragraph. I would have liked to see more personality and more of the world through a closer POV.



  16. Jan O'Hara on May 23, 2023 at 6:14 pm

    Hmm. I immediately got dystopian/fantasy vibes but that line about being fucked? It’s too close to the opening of The Martian for my taste. Maybe that’s why I didn’t take to the voice. It didn’t read as authentic or unique to me.