Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | August 15, 2024 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer? Genre: thriller
Apologies! I left off the opening sentence. So sorry.
JIMMY CUNNIFF CALLS TO tell me to get dressed, we’re taking a ride.
“Am I allowed to ask where we’re going?”
“To check in on an old friend.”
“Am I allowed to ask which one?” He tells me. And I tell him I’ll be ready when he gets to my house.
Now we’re standing at the top of steps leading up and into a courthouse, a new one for us, the Nassau County Courthouse in Mineola.
Rob Jacobson, my former client, one I recently got acquitted of a triple homicide in Suffolk County, is about to turn himself in one county over. On another triple homicide. Like Jimmy always says: You can’t make this shit up.
“Apparently he’s gonna tour,” Jimmy says. “Like the Ice Capades.”
“Ice Capades ended years ago.”
”I was making a larger point,” he says.
“You often are.”
Jimmy is my investigator, wing man, best friend, former hot-ticket NYPD detective. His divorce from the cops wasn’t pretty. But then neither were my divorces from husbands one and two.
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number three on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for August 18, 2024. Was the opening of Hard to Kill by James Patterson and Mike Lupica compelling?
My vote: No.
This book received 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. (Yawn) Pardon me, but it was hard to resist a need for oxygen after reading this energy free, amiable bit of setup. I, for one, cared not for either of these people. Nor did this good-matured narrative raise any worthwhile issues in the now of the story for either of these people to deal with. Mind you, this is supposed to be a thriller. A little (lot) short on thrills for me. Apparently, a number of readers found it a good experience, but there wasn’t enough of interest here for this reader. And I like thrillers.
What about you? Your thoughts?
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
No WAY.
This is definitely not using that first space to plant even the smallest seeds of specific story interest. It’s trying to build a police mood and some characters… but with “like the Ice Capades” and how everyone’s divorced from everything, it drags through banal grittiness without giving us any heart.
(Still, the worst thing about it isn’t its fault. That “He tells me” should be the start of a new line — and the Kindle Look Inside says it is. Where you have it, it looks like a tag with a capitalization typo that no first page wants.)
It did leave me with questions (like if we’re supposed to care about the former client turning himself in for a triple homicide, why are they at a different courthouse one county over from where the guys turning himself in), but not ones that I care to read on to find out about. When we’re finally introduced to Jimmy, it is in a clunky open exposition way. The POV character is not developed enough for me to care. I know they’re divorced, but I’m not even sure of the gender. I guess I’m supposed to default to a woman since they’re divorced from husbands, but that’s not a given.
I was just freaking confused.
Exactly!
Well, I knew what the book was, having just read the prequel, so I was biased cause I liked the characters, but it’s not compelling. Good thoughts on the first page. Thanks.
I think you might mean “good-natured” narrative, up in your commentary. Yeah, it’s pretty wan, but I’d read on because I like Lupica and want to see what he can do in fiction.
Stepping down to a line edit, if you ask me about “up,” stairs always lead to something at the top when you’re entering a courthouse. You rarely descend to a courthouse entrance. So in “steps leading up and into a courthouse” we don’t need the “up and.”
I’d check it out of my library. Well, in a few months. 38 of us waiting for a single copy in Austin.
JIMMY CUNNIFF CALLS TO tell me to get dressed, we’re taking a ride.
Above is the first sentence of the novel.
I voted yes. It’s slow yes, but it is what it is. It’s entertainment, like climbing into a recliner after a hard day at work and clicking the remote to a detective show where it’s ok if you doze off a bit, you’ll still be able to catch up and maybe even figure out whodunnit before the end. Or maybe you’ll be dazzled with a twist ending, something you couldn’t possibly have seen coming, even if you hadn’t dozed off.
Would it be acceptable from an unknown author? I’m an unknown author and I would try harder than this on the opening, but then maybe that’s why I’m an unknown author. Patterson knows something. He knows what his readers want.
If I’d read this sentence first…I may not have had to read it twice.
Patterson…as I was reading, I guessed. NO WAY, also. This type of book does not interest me, and I am not certain it is literature in any way. More like a draft of a film, and not a very good one.
I was so confused. But it looks like the first sentence is missing and the spacing is off, which would make a tremendous difference. :) I wouldn’t keep reading either way, though. It just didn’t grab me, and I love mysteries. It definitely feels like the middle of a series, which it is, so I wouldn’t start here anyway. Also, the voice feels masculine somehow; I was startled when I realized it was a woman narrating.
The real hook was to be anywhere near someone who committed a triple homicide, and was going to turn himself in.
The real problem was the mixup of Rob and Jimmy. I thought it was Rob on the phone, and had to re-read the top section three times to even suspect it was Jimmy speaking. Still not 100% sure.
Ironically, if I saw the cover I’d be heavily tempted and probably more patient. I remember Lupica from his sportswriting and he can be hilarious.
OK, well, I’d make a crappy agent because I seem to be always in the minority on these things, although I enjoy them. I struggle to overcome my bias against crime stories, especially of the hard-boiled variety, which in real life bore me as an entire genre. I actually don’t care whodunit. So when we get these floggers, I try extra hard to be objective. With that in mind, I enjoyed this one. It was so terse and hard-boiled that I found it actually charming. The narrator’s voice did seem masculine, so I was extra-charmed that it turned out to be a woman, and curious to know her better, why she was so hard-boiled. Then I found out it was a Patterson. OH well, that explains everything about its popularity. People who love Patterson will buy anything with his name on it, and if they’re disappointed in one, they’ll just go on to the next one. Nothing to do with the quality of the individual book.
For starters, is a teenaged girl being invited by her boyfriend to go for a ride in his gorgeous new car or beat-up old rustbucket? Three leisurely paragraphs later, I could still be under that illusion, presumably not realizing that this is a thriller. Sorry, not thrilled.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one confused by this opening.
i’d keep reading, although i thought the voice was feminine, but it sounded like a two guys set up. and taking a ‘ride’ but ending up at a courthouse, ehh. and i didn’t even get the ice capades comment. what did that mean? but i figured it was a detective type yarn so what the heck.
As Red Fraggle used to say, “Snore pie with yawn sauce.”*
Tension free. Voice not engaging. Characters not compelling.
* (I looked for a clip on YouTube but couldn’t find one. But if you ever used to watch Fraggle Rock, you’ll have heard Red say that a time or time or two.)
Reminds me of the film noir of 40s, which I believe I’ve watched every one on TCM. The hard boiled, cynical lawyer or PI, with a woman involved. So I’d read it.
I’m a mystery/detective story/ thriller fan but haven’t been a fan of Patterson. Still, I’ll probably give this one a look. I don’t know who Jimmy and the lady are, but as a devotee of this genre, I can tell this is likely to lead to something that will hold my interest. If successive triple homicides in adjacent counties don’t suggest to you that the author is gonna’ unwrap some events you’ll want to know more about, maybe you’re in the wrong genre.
We just recently talked about another James Patterson book, this time with Patterson finishing the incomplete draft of a Michael Chrichton book, at the request of Chrichton’s widow. I’m not being snide to suggest that Patterson might not have worked personally for more than a couple of hours on either of them. His books are rolling off the line like Mustangs.
I will admit that he wouldn’t be so popular if he didn’t know what he was doing, but this “Jane Smith Thriller” with Lupica would not do well if every browser had to decide whether to buy it based only on the first page.
It’s sort of cute, even smile-worthy. If the triple-double-Ice-Capades came three pages later, I might be hooked – AFTER I have some reason to care about the characters and whatever story problem, long- or short-term, they’re now facing.
Not hard to guess the writer was James Patterson (or the James Patterson Corporation), which may have colored my opinion.
I’ve read other Patterson/Lupica collaborations. If Lupica wants to write thriller or crime drama, he be better off working alone. Patterson is not a “positive influence.”
My reaction was pretty much the same as yours. No thanks, I’ll go read Craig Johnson instead when I’m in a thriller mood, especially since I always find sentences to savor in a Johnson reread.
Nah. Although, you made it better by leaving out the first line in the e-mail version. Then I was more intrigued, for a while at least….
Does she have to start with the first and last name of her best friend? Then she asks him if she is allowed to ask which person they will visit, and he tells her. But, what does he tell her? That she’s allowed to ask for the name, or does he tell her the name? Slow moving for a hook. The writing is not telling me that this is a story I should be interested in. It’s not trying to get me to read; it’s just low key recalling something that happened one day.