Taming the Green-Eyed Monster
By Deanna Cabinian | June 3, 2024 |
I haven’t been writing a lot lately, but I recently discovered something about myself as a writer: I am no longer jealous of anyone’s success – small, medium, or big Hollywood-blockbuster-type success. I realized this a few weeks ago when talking to a former colleague.
She emailed and asked if she could call me since I’m a “writing expert.” Hah, I thought. If she only knew. To me, expert means multi-published (e.g. more than five novels), award-winning, movie deals, merch deals, theme-park-licensing deals, and more. But I said sure, I’d love to chat.
She told me about a book idea she’d had and asked about the different paths to publishing. She asked me about the publication process for my YA novel, One Night. I told her about the pros and cons of self-publishing vs. traditional, being agented, un-agented, and the long slog of the search.
At the end of our call I said, “I hope it all works out for you and that you see your book in print the way you want to see it.” The weird thing is, I meant it. It wasn’t a B.S. statement or fake nicety. I actually do want her to succeed, in whatever way she envisions. I hope people get to read her book someday and that the process is easy for her.
I’ve noticed my lack of jealousy when scrolling social media, too. I used to feel a pang – ok, sometimes it was a giant wallop in which I gritted my teeth – of envy everytime I saw a new deal announcement, a starred review, a twenty-year-old with a five-book deal so lucrative she would never have to work (and her offspring wouldn’t have to either). But now it doesn’t bother me. And I’m even happy for people.
Who is this person? Is this what growth looks like?
Three things have helped me overcome my jealous rage (and believe me, it was at times a rage lol):
1. Time. I think the passage of time puts everything into perspective. Unfortunately, the passage of it isn’t something we can control. And for me, it’s been about twenty years.
2. A change in goals. Would I like to be a multi-hyphenate author? Sort of. I would like to have multiple works published. And I would like as many interested parties to read them as possible.
But I do not envision myself to be the Taylor Swift of writing anymore (oh, the things eighteen-year-old me used to dream about). That level of fame, notoriety, and scrutiny is not something I want. I don’t think I want to be a full-time writer, either. I used to fantasize about tapping against a keyboard all day while sipping coffee, but honestly the idea of sitting at a desk all day, doing anything, is not what gets me energized anymore. Sometimes I think I’d rather be inspired, and write stories only for myself and my own personal enjoyment.
With time, and age I guess, I’ve realized it’s ok to change. To change your mind, yourself, and your feelings.
3. Focusing on other aspects of life. It is good to have a goal, and a laser-like focus when it comes to your writing career. But it can be all-encompassing in a negative way. I’m a firm believer that nothing should become the sole focus of your time and energy. It is a surefire way to burn out and can be an enabler of jealous tendencies. If all you’re focused on is writing and publishing, of course you’re going to be consumed by comparing yourself to everyone else in the same boat, which fuels jealousy.
It’s been said before by others, but make sure you have other things to keep you occupied besides writing: working out, trying new recipes, tending to family members, gardening — and the list goes on. Being focused on multiple areas of your life will naturally take some of the pressure off writing and what your situation is vs. others.
So, there you have it, my keys to overcoming writer jealousy. I hope it helps you. And if I happen to see your book announcement, movie deal news, or read how you’ve quit your job because you now make seven-figures from writing, know that I’m rooting for you. The world needs more cheerleaders, and I’m happy to be one. Sorry it took me so long to get here.
Do you struggle with jealousy? What strategies do you use to manage it? If you’ve overcome it and have a strategy to add to the above, please do so in comments. The floor is yours.
Do you struggle with jealousy? What strategies do you use to manage it? If you’ve overcome it and have a strategy to add to the above, please do so in comments. The floor is yours.
Deanna Cabinian is the author of One Night, One Love, and One Try (aka The Thompson Series). She writes YA, middle grade, and sometimes dabbles in adult fiction. Her writing has appeared in Writer’s Digest, Writer Unboxed, and School Library Journal. She is a graduate of the Writing in the Margins mentorship program and is represented by Penny Moore of Aevitas Creative Management. When she isn’t writing she works as a consumer marketing director for a global media company. She lives in the Midwest but dreams of living by the ocean. Find her online at deannacabinian.com.
YES! To all your points. Thanks for validating my own thoughts and experiences.
Thanks for reading, Carol!
This is a lovely and needed post. And then I have to ask you, myself…why do you write? Because writing is ME. It is how I function. Things I must do to keep my home and life running smoothly? I write them down, make a list. Eager to tell someone, even one of my children, my husband…I often write a note. OH YES, if they are with me, I hug and kiss them. But writing for me can also be a gift. I enjoy getting a note, a letter. Reading a novel is a gift…every word can carry me somewhere, though of course there have been times when I stop reading…this book is just not for me. So the title of your post works. It is often hard to see others published, and then to read their work….reactions? YES, that was a wonderful or beautiful story etc. Or maybe not. Because as readers, as people we are various. We write our own way, and often read our own way. So thanks for this…I ENJOYED IT.
Thanks, Elizabeth! Glad you read and enjoyed the piece.
Love this. Until fairly recently, I did not understand how people released their dreams of fame and huge success. It actually made me angry, to watch my friends give up their lifelong dreams to get married and have kids. But I’m understanding it more and more now. Lately, living in peace by the sea sounds a lot better than leaving behind an immortal legacy. Slipping quietly into time, rather than changing the world. While I haven’t yet given up my grandiose dreams, I finally understand the beauty and serenity of simply existing, of not leaving a huge footprint. There is so much grace in that, too.
Hi Stella, yes agree on the loveliness of simply existing, especially the living in peace by the sea part :) Thanks for reading!
Years ago I read Simone de Beauvoir’s ‘All men are mortal’. It still resonates with me: even the most ‘successful’ individuals are all too soon merely dusty news of yesteryear. The beauty of life is in the moment of experience. It is our own perception of that experience that speaks to our soul—not someone else’s appreciation or lack thereof. Yes, there is a great satisfaction in connecting to our reader. Of course. But writers must first find satisfaction in the very act of creating. It is only then that we can let go of jealousy.
Satisfaction in the creation part is so important! It’s why most of us got into this in the first place, right? Thanks for reading, Brenda, appreciate it!
Great post, Deanna! I’m much older than you & wish I’d come to these conclusions sooner, though I will say Fate or the Universe or whatever sort of shoved other priorities in front of the writing in my younger days. Once the kids were raised & out of the house, and I had two cerebral aneurysms that forced me to retire, I started to write again for recovery.
When I was back at a selling level the green-eyed monster kicked in, but after a few years I asked myself the same key questions you asked: Why am I writing? For fame & fortune? No, not really. I’m financially comfortable & I like my quiet life with my husband, dog, & kitty. I would like folks to read my work, but with little bit of luck & the right timing, I’ll get there.
My last agent had a stroke last year & is no longer working in the industry, so I know how precious health & life is. If I never get another agent, I’ll self-publish. Eventually. For now, I’m querying completed novels & I’m inspired by new ideas, but I go for long walks on the beach every day, & if I get tired of writing I’ll stop to watch Bridgerton, or to go out in the garden, or…whatever fills my soul at the moment. Because that’s the key to staying healthy as a writer. Gotta fill that soul with something other than envy & rage. :)
Thanks again for an excellent post!
Thanks so much for reading, Kelly. Best of luck with your writing! I also have come to like the quiet life :)
Great post, Deanna. It’s so easy to feel jealous over someone else’s gifts and ignore the ones we’ve been given. When I find myself feeling jealous over someone else’s good health or publishing deal, and I’m ashamed to say, even their pretty flowers, I go to confession. It’s amazing how God removes these sinful feelings and gives me the grace to be grateful for my own gifts and the will to develop them.
Hi Vijaya, thanks for reading and great suggestion on how to manage jealousy! Even if writing isn’t going our definition of well, there are usually other aspects of life to be grateful for.
Honestly, I’m not sure jealousy is always a bad thing. Yes, it can keep us from celebrating our friends’ successes and get in our own way, both harmful. It can keep us stuck in a negative cycle. But it can also help us identify what matters to us. It can help us identify a shift we want to make in our work, or as mentioned in some of the other comments, that it may be time to let go of a particular vision and move on. In either case, it’s helping us hone our vision for our own life. Like all emotions, it can have its place, as long as we don’t get stuck there.
So true, jealousy can be a great motivator at times. Thanks for reading, Leslie!
Great article. I’ve edited hundreds of beginner books for free because I know how much edits cost. I explain that in the time I have, my brief edits are no substitute for a professional editor (I do charge a fee for other projects). Most writers are surprised how much information I give them during these edits, and although I don’t review books that I edit, I do look at them. Several books that I’ve worked on, have gone to sell more copies than my own. I was never jealous of their work and look at it from the point of view that their success is also partly my success.
John, I’ve mentored so many writers and some of them have done very well. It’s such a thrill to have had a part in their growth.
Great post! I have written since I was a child and loved doing it. Just for me. I took myself on all sorts of adventures. After my own kids were grown I decided to dust a few of my works off to see what would happen. I have 5 published. Whenever I get upset about how my writing career is going (or not going) I remember what my husband said to me when I was spouting off one day, “Oh, how you enjoyed writing until you made it into a business.” I’m back to writing for myself. If it gets published fine and if it doesn’t get published, I’m fine with that too.
I learned long ago not be be jealous of another writer’s success. I have friends who started writing about the same time as I did, and who now have between 75-80 books published. I’m working on books 4,5,and 6. I also published in short stories and nonfiction, but I always wanted to write novels. Comparing myself to them would never have made me write more, and might have only held me back. I’m happy for their success but also understand the sacrifices they made to gain their success. I wish I had more books published, but I’m also satisfied to work at my own pace.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post.