Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | April 18, 2024 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel (from the prologue)—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
I [29m] have been friends with Chad [32m] since we were born. Our moms are best friends and we grew up together and were roommates for the last 10 years, up until the incident that set our current situation into motion.
A little backstory. I have this… streak if you will? Basically every woman I date more than a few times ends up finding her soulmate after we break up. It’s a thing. It started three years ago and it’s now happened five times. We break things off and the very next person they date ends up being The One.
My friends think this is hilarious. I always part ways with the women on good terms, and I’m happy they’re happy. But my buddies tease me mercilessly about it. They call me the good luck charm.
Anyway, forward to five months ago. I dated Hope [28f] for a few weeks. Not a big deal. We decided we weren’t feeling it, no chemistry, so we called it quits. And then lo and behold she hits it off with Chad. Of course in true Good Luck Charm fashion, this means Chad is her soulmate. Chad is all googly-eyed over her, they’ve met the parents, they’re ring shopping—and they want to move in together. Immediately.
The only problem is that Chad has six more months on our lease but found a perfect new house for him and Hope, and he can’t afford to pay rent on two places at the same time. So he (snip)
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number one on the New York Times trade paperback fiction bestseller list for April 21, 2024 Were the opening pages of Just for the Summer by Abby Jimenez compelling?
My vote: No.
This book received 4.6 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I dunno. The voice is likeable, and the Amazon page let me know that it’s a rom com . . . but that wasn’t enough. You can assume that the protagonist will have rent troubles, but what are the consequence of that? Doesn’t seem like it could be dire. Or riveting. Or . . . interesting. So, even though this is pitched as a beach read, I’m looking for a story, and it doesn’t feel like there’s much here that will be worth my time.
What about you? Your thoughts?
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
The self-pitying narrative voice—First Person Casual—is assertive and in control, in no hurry. The writing is skillful. But do I want to spend a whole novel listening to this person? What kind of story is being told?
I was pretty sure that this was a dark protagonist, a killer of ex-girlfriends or their subsequent boyfriends, meant to entertain and charm us with unsettling wit, a very familiar type these days. Read the page again as if that is the case. See? It could easily be that kind of novel.
But…rom-com? Wow, didn’t get that. Where’s the “com”? What is compelling about a Bad Luck BF? Especially one who wants to tell us all about his #1 complaint and breezily expects that we automatically care? Why should we care?
This book obviously is successful, likely a clever idea, but I would have advised a different strategy to intro this character. Lightweight it is. Lighthearted it isn’t, or at least not exactly in the right way to set me up for hilarious and romantic fun.
Complaining protagonists are trendy, they’re
In sync with our era, I just think this particular opening approach, for this novel, and for me, doesn’t aim quite right.
As Ray explains, this is the prologue. And a perfect example of a poor editorial decision.
I looked it up on Amazon, and this opening does not reflect, in the least, the premise of the story, which is clever enough for me to hear seagulls squawking over the sand.
I
The excerpt makes much more sense with the heading that precedes this in the actual book which makes it clear that this is a Reddit post for AITA? (Am I the A…Hole).
Knowing this, I would turn the page of course, because it’s an AITA? post, and the more juicy parts are usually toward the end.
I voted yes because, with the heading that was omitted on the WU copy, it’s a novel way of creating the setup. That said, it’s not the best AITA? post, but I’d read a bit further to find out how I like the heroines voice in chapter 1. Looks like a light, cute romance beach read.
I agree with Ada here, the heading on the actual first page does a lot to frame what comes after. Given that context I’d keep reading because of the added layer of a person anonymously reaching out into the void for feedback. And, though lightweight, it feels like a modern contemporary romance so I’d keep going at least until the FMC is on the page too and then evaluate if it’s going to have the chemistry I’d enjoy for a whole novel.
A near miss for me too, again because tone can only do so much without depth or stakes, or at least playing up comedy stakes their own way. Although Ada’s point might be a gamechanger, if “Am I the A-Hole” was meant to be the context for it.)
Something else: for the moment this leans heavily on the character’s quirky dating history. I vaguely remember there was a movie based on that pattern (Good Luck Chuck, 2007), so I half-expected this to be the book behind that. Probably a coincidence, but if the author had noticed, this could have used a throwaway reference to “sounds like some overdone movie idea, right? It’s only happened a few times, but it’s been a thing.”
All the comments above are interesting. For me, there was nothing I would want to explore. “My friends think this is hilarious.” That was really all I needed…echoes of a certain age group and its mores that do not interest me.
This was a pass for me on premise alone. In 5 months not only has Chad fallen in love, met the parents, gone ring shopping but he’s also found a house? Really? And now he wants to bail on his best friend, sticking him with the rent? The “problem” is nonexistent – he’ll have to suck it up and wait for the next “perfect house.” Not a fan of following around stupid, self-absorbed people in life or on the page.
Big no. I will say that adding that very important header would have helped A LOT, because I couldn’t figure out why they’d put their age and gender in brackets. Still, the writing felt a little immature, and the tone just isn’t what I read. I’m not a rom-com reader, and I could tell that’s where this was going.
As soon as he said that his ex was now engaged with his best friend, I thought of those stupid rom-coms that are fun on the screen but oh, so, terribly predictable in that the jilted guy is going to try to stop his best friend from marrying his ex, and until then he’s going to be a real sh*thead about the whole thing until he confesses his undying love for the girl he lost, and then gets punched in the face by his best friend. BLECH! Better he should become an alcoholic.
I’ve seen the 2007 movie, “Good Luck Chuck,” a very raunchy rom-com, and this prologue sounds like a carbon copy. Here’s the blurb from IMDB: “In order to keep the woman of his dreams from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love.” I’d probably flip to the middle and read a page to see if it is in fact the same, and if so, I wouldn’t bother buying the book.
I’m appreciative of the comments (thanks, Ada) as the AITA Reddit post adds so much context.
I love a good Rom-Com when I can jump right in to the story. Often it’s the awkwardness of the situation that is the pull. I think that is what is the premise with the AITA, however it doesn’t work for me. It comes off as whiny, and hello, get a new roommate and wish your BFF well. And hey, maybe a female roomie who might turn out to be the one, or her sister, or whatever.
I want to know I’m going laugh, maybe cringe, and settle in for an escape read.
I went back and read it again with Don’s comment in mind and agree that the creep factor of a serial killer might have the same whiny voice. And Don, wow, it went dark in a hurry.
Thanks, Ray. I always look forward to your Flog a Pro posts.
Big no for me. While I find looking at the occasional AITA posts interesting, I can’t see that notion carrying me for the entire book. I like a nice rom-com but the voice on this one just didn’t work for me. It’s not the style I care for.
Not my cup of tea. But I learned a new thing. AITA? Useful.
I didn’t even vote on this one. There wasn’t a third choice that said “made me wanna gag.” I am put off by the number/letter combo after names. Then instead of sneaking in some backstory, he actually says it’s coming. I could continue, but I want to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Moving on to my next read that might just be my soulbook.
An easy no. The narrative was awkward, the voice not striking or terribly interesting. I couldn’t imagine reading a few hundred pages of this.
Ray, I think you should have included the header for the prologue, which reveals that this is a post in a reddit thread called “Am I the A**hole?” The guy wants to know if naming his very ugly dog after his best friend makes him an a**hole. That puts a whole new slant on the prologue, at least. Though it still doesn’t say “rom-com.”
And I still would have voted no. Just not necessarily for the same reasons.
Oops, should’ve read the comment trail before commenting. :) Sorry to be redundant.
Speaks to a young, single adult population with a subject that may interest them right from the start. While it’s true you have no idea here it will go, it leaves the field open for most anything.