Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | February 15, 2024 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
There was nothing scarier than a blind old woman with whites for eyes suddenly gripping your arm under a full moon night.
Old Zelda had once been the caretaker of the home little Vad now lived in with other boys. But after she went blind a few years ago from an accident, the admin people let her stay on, which was a mistake in Vad’s opinion. Because she knew stuff, stuff she shouldn’t know, stuff about boys she couldn’t even see. She’d known things long before she lost her sight. She’d known Reed would drown in the pond a week before he did. She knew about Tor and his skin burning from the inside, something he’d never told anyone. And she said his best friend would “eat flames” one day, whatever that meant, and Fury was scared of fires.
Old Zelda was scary as shit. And Vad avoided her every chance he could.
So, being caught in the small garden on a boy’s birthday night in front of the others wasn’t something he ever wanted.
Her frail, wrinkled hand gripped his thin arm with surprising strength.
“To a castle where none go,” she said, her voice shaking, her face heavily wrinkled, the whites of her eyes staring eerily at Vad, “you will go, boy.”
Fury sniggered at his side. “Why would he go to a castle, Zelda? Where would he even find a castle?” They were piss poor, the lot of them
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number five on the New York Timeshardcover fiction bestseller list for February 18, 2024 Were the opening pages of The Gothikana by RuNyx compelling?
My vote: Yes.
This book received 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I’m sure there are some folks out there who will say fantasy isn’t my thing, but even if it isn’t, you can assess this opening for what it does. Seems to me it does a good job of raising story questions along with good voice, mood, and a vulnerable and sympathetic character in the boy. I sure had “What’s going to happen to him next?” in my mind.
What about you? Your thoughts?
Sidebar: I think the cover design fails on a web page. The title, even with the large font, is difficult to read, and I have no idea what the graphic is. I’m sure it looks great in print, but covers have to work on Amazon and other online booksellers at this size and even smaller.
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
Fantasy is not my thing but I liked this passage and certainly felt drawn in. The only edit I would make is to this line: “So being caught in the small garden on a boy’s birthday night in front of the others wasn’t something he ever wanted.” The last bit of the sentence, “wasn’t something he ever wanted” felt a) awkwardly worded b) a let down after what preceded it and c) a missed opportunity to hear this character’s voice with greater specificity.
I’m sure people who like magical realism, fantasy, and gothic fiction would love this, but I don’t care for any of those genres, so it was an immediate NO from me.
I love this. Lots of voice. But I wonder why you call it fantasy. As I think it leans toward horror. Could you explain that? As my MS is a YA Horror I’m pretty sure. Should I query it as fantasy. To me fantasy is fairytales and worlds we don’t know. Thanks I love your posts. And your book on mastering the craft.
It was the reference to a castle that led me that way. It could be horror. But the world did not feel like the regular world where I would expect horror to be set.
Thank you. I wondered
Nice opening. I would read it. I don’t evaluate novels by genre but by skillfully drawn characters.
The writing is good enough, and there’s certainly a clear inciting incident on the first page. But the character of the old woman and the situation are trite, to say the least. I’m sure I’ve already read better versions of this book.
Well shit, this must be a TikTok phenom. (Checks.) Sure enough. You can tell from the voice I’m starting to think of as Third Person Casual. (More often First.)
That said, this is well done with a lot of specifics that suggest the story world is well thought out. A different question is whether it’s original or Gothic-y elements put in a blender, a dark smoothie in a “fresh” voice. But then again there’s that awesome title, the cool cover, and the gimmicky author name. How can you resist great packaging?
Seriously, I’d go a little further with this one and turn the page.
The cover has been outed as A.I.
Additionally, I wouldn’t read on, even though I read and write SFF. Why?
The infodump in the first big paragraph. In my opinion the first two paragraphs should be cut.
I voted yes. What you shared pulled me in. The cover did not…so I probably would have passed this one up in a bookstore.
I am struck by the observation (having read the cover) that this is a dark romance and that the first line of the book appears unrelated to the whole concept of the novel. I’m currently challenging myself in my works to tie things all together, as it’s powerful when done well.
Agree with lots of bits others have mentioned here, compliments and critiques. Good discussion. Thanks again, Ray!
“Old Zelda was scary as shit.” No, what’s scary is that this is on a bestseller list. The first sentence ends with “under a full moon night.” My uh-oh detector went off right there. The subject of the interminable third sentence is “the admin people.” The narrator might be omniscient, but sounds like Vad. And why does the old woman look exactly like the old woman in “The Wolfman”?
The whole second paragraph does seem to be “Gothic-y elements put in a blender,” as Donald said.
I am a big fan of fantasy, and a sucker for Gothic horror: I even watch Svengoolie without shame. But this bugs me. In my opinion, it sounds like it could have been written by a computer.
Ahhh c’mon, this looks like so much fun! I’m super picky but this one has me intrigued. Unfortunately I see it’s romance … less intrigued.
Not bring a Gothic/horror/fantasy reader, I voted yes. I liked the “voicy” turns of phrase: “scary as shit”; “piss poor the lot if them. “From the comments, though, it seems to have missed the mark with fans.
Fantasy IS my thing, but it was a strong No from me. The language seemed to vacillate too much: repeatedly saying “she knew” leads you in one direction, but “scared the shit” is absolutely modern and anachronistic. Even by the bottom of the page I wasn’t 100% sure we were in a fantasy (the cover would have helped me there a bit). But then, why “administrators”? Fantasy needs a sure hand and has to lay out the world efficiently.
I was curious about where this opening was leading. The writing was not the best I’ve ever seen (awkward or jarring in places and sometimes unintentionally repetitive), but the story appeared intriguing. The cover art suggested something dark and fairy tale-ish and possibly romance-y (the black rose, more than anything), and I was right. Amazon says: “The eternal romance of Beauty and the Beast meets the gothic suspense of Dracula in this erotic dark academia story of epic love from bestselling author RuNyx” Not my thing, but it still got a Yes vote from me.
This has never happened for me on this column before: I was enjoying the opening so much, I skimmed through just to see the title. 🤣 As a bookseller, I’ve seen this book recently but haven’t had time to peek at it. I am IN. I hope the book is as appealing as this first page!
First thought: Not my cup of tea.
Second thought: Hm, there’s enough here that is intriguing me, though…
Third thought: The writing is compelling and yet also awkward at times…
Fourth thought: I wonder if this is partly AI-derived??
I wouldn’t read further. Mostly, that’s because I wouldn’t be interested in the dark themes presented in the opening. I find horror to be an uncomfortable reading experience. The concepts are intriguing — it seems like this woman can predict the future, and the deaths give an evocative tone — but they aren’t for me.
Even if I liked horror, the prose is stilted, as others have said. The phrasing is repetative and strange. The fact that Zelda is scary is clearly established in the first paragraph, but the third paragraph tells the reader she’s scary anyway. The prose is straddling the line between elevated fantasy (“a blind old woman with whites for eyes”, “Fury would eat fire”) and casual contemporary (“admin people”, “stuff she shouldn’t know”, “scary as shit”). Is the target market people who skim when they read?
Vad seems like he’s the protagonist, but all the reader learns about him is that he’s poor, skinny, and a child.
Wait! The cover doesn’t say horror. The cover says dark romance. Romance is about emotional connection, but this weak prose doesn’t create a connection for me. If anything, it makes me question if the author can handle darker themes with tact.