Getting Past Rejection
By Diana Giovinazzo | October 20, 2023 |
There is no denying that this business is subjective. Every step along the way, from the moment you write the book to the moment it is out in the world, there will be criticism. It is often from others but sometimes it comes from within our own heads. It is as TS Elliot said:
“We might remind ourselves that criticism is as inevitable as breathing.”
Criticism is often synonymous with rejection because we internalize it, make it a part of ourselves like a tattoo. Every single one of us who has created any sort of art that’s made public has likely been subject to criticism. Ask any author. They may have that one negative review that stung more than the others or a story about a painful agent interaction. Our shared misery is one of the things that unites us (along with a shared animosity for stickers on books).
Receiving criticism is never easy. We may spend months stressing about the placement of every word, comma, and period only to be told that the work is not good enough. That the book could have been better or that it was a good first draft for a high schooler. And while everyone tells us that we need to develop a thick skin, they never tell us how. Because unfortunately it is not handed out to us in the welcome packets from our publishers.
But there are some steps I take to minimize the sting of it all, and those may be helpful for you as well.
Take time for self-care. I know, I know, it’s starting to feel preachy the way people go on about self-care, but it’s essential to survive in this business. And while bringing up the phrase may conjure days of being self-indulgent, it’s actually quite the opposite. I recently asked authors on Threads what they do for self-care. Responses ranged from gardening, going for walks, exercising, sound baths, anything that involved water, to reading whatever they wanted from their TBR pile. For me, I am partial to exercise, knitting while listening to an audiobook, or cooking a family recipe. Finding your self-care formula takes some trial-and-error but you can’t deny that it is a fun experiment to see what works for you.
The thing about self-care is that it not only helps us feel good in the moment, but it helps to relieve stress and create a sort of resiliency. Something that we as creatives all need. Taking time for ourselves is just as important as making space for our writing. When we step away from computers and noise to be able to do something that we enjoy, we give our creative juices the rest they need in order to come back and create more art.
In other words, self-care helps to feed the beast.
Remember that there are so many others that are going through this. Regardless of where you are in your writing journey–published, seeking an agent, or somewhere in the midst of trying to write a manuscript–there are thousands of writers who have been through that as well. While the act of writing may seem like a solitary exercise, you are not alone. Having a person to whom you can vent about your current writing struggles can be especially helpful. Being able to talk to someone about your issues can improve physical and psychological health, lowering the risk of cardiovascular disease (according to the American Heart Association). If you aren’t talking to your friends, perhaps talking things out with a professional therapist can be the way to go for you.
Be sure to process those feelings. We can be so good at letting our characters develop and process their emotions but sometimes forget that we need that ourselves. Yes, rejection of our art hurts, but it’s important that we don’t lash out at those around us and the community at large. Giving in to that only lets rejection rob you of your sense of peace along with so much more.
We have to learn that as creatives, we have a tendency to walk around with our nerves exposed so that we can create a more in-depth story. But it can become quite draining, which can make rejections and criticisms all the more painful. I believe that if you can take some time to tend to yourself, the other stuff won’t feel as painful.
Everyone has their own self-care routine. What’s yours?
Diana Giovinazzo is the co-creator of Wine, Women and Words, a weekly literary podcast featuring interviews with authors over a glass of wine. Her debut novel, THE WOMAN IN RED, released in 2020, and her second novel, ANTOINETTE’S SISTER, released in 2022. You can find her in the Los Angeles area with her menagerie and husband.
[coffee]
Writing is life for many of us. No matter the barriers we will write. In many ways it is faith in creativity; it is a belief in the human condition. We no longer scratch into stone. But again, it’s the same thing.
Such a great topic. I’ve done well with rejection and done poorly. Especially when I was first starting out, I managed rejection by expecting it. I treated each rejection as little more than a box to check.
But the longer I practiced, the better I got, and the harder it got to not hope. I wound up getting very serious about divorcing my sense of worth with the results of my writing. It’s a real discipline. It’s so easy to let my sense of worth get attached to results that are outside of my control. But I do such much better at rolling through the emotional highs and lows of the writing life when I have a solid sense of worth, of my value as a human being.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
I knew it wasn’t perfect, and If I’d known how to make it better I would have, so I explore the feedback. I may need to get past some emotion first. Maybe just a nap, a walk, or a couple of days of work on something not related. Then I try to understand what the critic was trying to tell me. “It’s no good.” isn’t helpful. ‘I couldn’t connect with your protagonist.” may be helpful. “I didn’t understand…” probably is helpful. I take what I can use, and leave the rest. Anything that helps me make it better is my friend. Sometimes what’s required to make it better hurts, but it doesn’t hurt as much as having made it better feels good.
I was in a band once upon a time. We were playing a poorly paid gig in a college common room. I thought we were doing very well; people were dancing and singing along. I noticed an attractive girl in the back of the crowd who seemed to be saying something to me, so with my microphone I sang my way toward her. She did say something directly to me, but with all the noise it was lost, so I went right up to her and tilted one ear toward her. This time it was clear: “You suck.”
Today I would probably manage to make a joke of it, but at the time I was literally stunned. She might as well have stabbed me. I couldn’t continue with the song, which meant I made the whole band look bad. And I was ashamed because of the role my own vanity had played: I was supposed to be working.
Back here in the present, I tell you this story to illustrate my attitude when an editor or even a reader criticizes my work by saying they don’t like a character, or they think the action sags at the halfway point, or something equally technical. I take it under advisement and sometimes I change things. It’s not like they told me I suck.
I don’t think you had anything to feel ashamed of. That girl, certainly does. You were putting yourself out there and she seized the opportunity to destroy your pleasure and confidence in what you were doing.
Interestingly enough, feelings of rejection stopped at about the same time I dumped Impostor Syndrome.
I haven’t found my audience and how to market to it (I write mainstream fiction, indie, VERY slowly), but I feel it’s more a matter of having the time and energy to do it (because for 23 years now, and at least 4-5 more, the writing takes all I have) than there not being a few people in the eight billion in the world who will like what I write.
But that’s discoverability, not rejection. And I get very little negativity from those I can persuade to read.
Thanks for addressing this hard aspect of writing! When I was in high school, I read a Robert Frost poem that included the lines “So when at times the mob is swayed/To carry praise or blame too far/We may choose something like a star/To stay our minds on, and be stayed.”
The realization that both extremes are dangerous came to me as an important truth, and one that has helped me to trust my own evaluation over both the raptures and the unhelpful criticisms of others. That truth didn’t prevent a tailspin when I faced a soul-crushing setback in my writing career, though; I think time may be the best/only cure for that.
Also: ANIMOSITY FOR STICKERS ON BOOKS. You are my people. The End.
Sometimes I read my rejections and just tick them off on my spreadsheet and I continue on. Those are the rejections where I’m not as invested in receiving a yea or nay. But it’s the ones where I’ve paid for a critique or taken a course and been invited to submit that I feel more deeply. Those times I feel I haven’t measured up and that perhaps I’ll never measure up.