Wishing for What We Need (Rather Than What We Want)
By Sarah Callender | July 6, 2023 |
My daughter, who just graduated from high school, is a bit of a collector. A collector of things she no longer needs, uses, or wears. A collector of things that, in my mind, should be tossed, recycled, repurposed, and donated. But because she is not I, her bedroom, when left unchecked, takes on the beautiful properties of sedimentary rock, the layers of which reflect and mark certain eras, events, and phases of her life.
During the great clean-out of June 2023, she came to show me a journal she had unearthed. “Look at this! It’s from 10th grade. These were my goals for 2021.”
With her permission, I share it here:
Academic:
- try my best
- 4.0
Physical:
- whiten teeth
- muscles for running fast
- double piercing
- style goals
- CONFIDENCE
Mental:
- loving myself
- CONFIDENCE
Relationships:
- keep my friends
- boyfriend
I love that “whiten teeth” and “loving myself” exist on the same list. I love her use of caps for “CONFIDENCE.” But the item that stuck out to me most was the last: “boyfriend.”
I imagine I had a similar list at some point, during my own pre-boyfriendozioc era. And when I started writing in 2001, I set for myself similarly naïve goals:
- Agent
- Sell book
- Get published
This last week, the middle school where I teach deployed me to Chicago so I could attend the American Library Association conference. My mission? Gather new book titles, meet authors, swim in the voices and stories of underrepresented writers. I attended the award banquet for the winners of the Caldecott and Newbery Awards. I heard a keynote by Judy Blume. Amanda Gorman and Christian Robertson (the lovely illustrator of Gorman’s upcoming book of poetry), spoke at the conference’s closing event. I listened to what authors, teachers, and librarians are doing to thwart the plans of the few-but-screechy voices who believe keeping books off shelves keeps young people safe. I learned that Illinois recently became the first state to ban book bans. I listened to brave, often-marginalized writers share the experience of writing the stories of their hearts. I was reminded that books shepherd young people through the gauntlet of adolescence. I got to pose with foam cutouts of Narwhal and Jelly in order to get the most adorable Narwhal and Jelly tote bag. And, I got to meet my editor.
Before the conference (and since June of 2022), I had only emailed with my editor. I had no idea what she looked like (she maintains a Sasquatchian presence on the internet), or whether she was warm or aloof, quiet or outspoken, tender or tough.
I did know she was the most detailed, thoughtful, wise, ass-kicking editor I had ever not met.
Her editorial letters and margin comments were breath-taking in their extensiveness. They were brutally honest, specific, humbling, and brilliant. They punched me in the gut and made me feel like a student who had disappointed the teacher.
“She’s hates it!” I told my agent after my editor returned her second editorial letter. “I have let her down! She’s going to change her mind about me!”
My agent, a fount of wisdom and class, as well as a former editor, reassured me that everything my editor was doing and saying was done in service to the book, that she loved the book, that there was no need for me to worry.
I wasn’t so sure. I was nervous to meet my editor, to come face to face with her disappointment.
But on day three of the conference, she and I found each other among the thousands of feisty, anti-book-ban-button-wearing, joy-filled librarians. We ordered spunky spinach salads from the cafeteria and found a quietish place to sit.
After a bit of chit-chat, she looked at me. “Sarah,” she said, “this book still needs a lot of work.” She paused, patted my hand, and nodded, as if agreeing with herself. “A LOT of work.”
“Yes,” I agreed. Because I like to agree with people when they are right.
We talked shop for a bit. I told her about some novel research I had done the day before. We also shared bits of our lives–the joys and challenges of parenting adult children, the terror of attending, as introverts, a conference with 20,000 attendees. Our secret vices. I told her that she looked just like my beautiful, wonderful, life-changing elementary school librarian, Sally Cristofferson. I apologized that my edits weren’t farther along, that I was pokey and seemed to lack any understanding of how to craft a novel.
“That’s okay!” she said. “You are still learning how to write!”
Yes. OMG. I am still learning how to write.
At the end of our sweet little lunch, she and I gave each other a warm hug, and after we parted ways, I marveled at just how fortunate I am to be in a partnership with someone who is a champion of my little book, someone who knows it is currently a terrific mess but sees its potential, someone who can shepherd both me and this manuscript through the gauntlet of publication.
My writerly goals from 2001–Get an agent. Sell my book. Get a novel published–were as naïve and silly as my daughter’s 2021 line item of “boyfriend.” I wanted these things, but they were not necessarily what I needed.
I should have written sell my book to someone who will tough-love every scene, every bit of dialogue, every bit of character motivation, so it is truly ready for the world.
I should have written, find an editor who cares about these characters as much as I do.
I should have written, sell this book to someone who will sort, organize, rearrange, donate, recycle, toss, refurbish, refinish, and reupholster this pigsty of a manuscript.
In the fall of her junior year, my daughter did get a boyfriend. Like my daughter, he runs track and cross country. Like my daughter, he is funny, kind, gentle, sensitive, family-oriented. Unlike my daughter, he pops up from the dinner table to rinse the dishes then puts them in our dishwasher. He has the most fantastic hair. He loves our dog. I love his family.
My daughter and I are both lucky. We wished for something so stupidly general, but we managed to find a relationship that is safe and healthy, with someone who likes us for who we are, and who, seeing our potential, challenges us to be better. We found what we actually needed, not what we thought we wanted.
Finding the right shepherd–whether it is a critique partner, a writing group, an agent, an editor, a publisher–must be our goal. We deserve to be picky. We should not have to settle. And we should write the stories we need to write. We writers may be quirky, but we’re not weird. If there’s a story we need to write, there are probably many, many others who need to read it.
Your turn! Will you share one of your more naïve goals and, perhaps, explain how that goal or wish has evolved? Or, feel free to share something that falls under the “I wish I had known …” umbrella.
(And aren’t we all incredibly fortunate that, in 2006, Therese and Kathleen set this goal: “Build a kind, supportive, compassionate community of writers”? This is a much-needed community.)
A Middle Grade novelist (and Middle School English teacher), Sarah Callender lives in Seattle with her family. Because Sarah dislikes cleaning anything that will just get messy again, she tidies the house and weeds the yard only when absolutely necessary. This allows her time to focus on her true–and somewhat fraught–passions: writing, Abe Lincoln, and Tony’s Chocolonely chocolate bars. Equally passionate about mental health advocacy, Sarah is a member of The Stability Network. Sarah’s first novel, LUCY IN BETWEEN, will be published by Margaret Ferguson Books/Holiday House in 2026.
[coffee]
Well, I naively thought I could publish my whole trilogy in a year’s time. My wife, who is wise in all ways, maintained a quiet campaign of dissuasion from this arbitrary, self-imposed deadline. Long story, short, the lengthening of the deadline seems all but foregone.
The very short story of my life, I should’ve learned by now to always heed my wise spouse. Loved this, Sarah. Wishing you the best with your wise (if tough) editor. Hope you find fulfillment in the work ahead.
Dear Vaughn,
And let’s add “wise partner” to our list of things we need. I often think of the importance of the kind of spouse I need. When I got married in my 20s, focused primarily on the following: I want someone who makes me laugh, who makes me feel peaceful, who thinks I am funny. Twenty-five years married, I still know what I wanted was essential. But there’s so much more that is essential … I need someone with similar views on how we should spend and save money, how we should raise children, how we want to retire, even how we muddle through a pandemic together?
We are lucky, you and I! And deadlines, schmedlines! A long time ago, when I realized we aren’t always in control of the timing of something, when I realized I had to trust the process, including the timing of some uncontrollable process, I was delighted by the feeling of liberation.
Happy liberation (and happy writing) to you!
Ah, Sarah, here I am editing my FOREVER NOVEL, and thinking I am getting there. THEN, This Post. First, your success in life is right here on the page, your children, your career. When I’m in the “it will never happen mood” I look at photos of my three adult children and hug myself…but then, go right back to my reading and editing. From your post today, I am taking honesty and love. And Sarah, YOU always give me hope. Is there a tough editor out there for me? Yes. At the moment, her name is Beth Havey.
I know! Isn’t it amazing how many millions of iterations and versions and edits are required? And it’s not as if my book is, I don’t know, War and Peace or Love in the Time of Cholera. It’s for kids! It’s pretty darn straightforward.
I’m glad you hug yourself when you are feeling the “it will never happen’s.” And don’t forget, if you are writing, it IS happening!
xoxox!
This is so lovely Sarah. Thanks to you, and your daughter, for sharing.
Thank you, Liz! Hugs to you. And, I am still thinking about the photos of your beautiful, humble, perfect writing studio. So happy for you. xo!
I agree that it is very important to realize that not all relationships are created equal. However…I still don’t think you’ve quite distilled things down to what you actually NEED. And I worry that too many authors (and people in general) base their sense of worth on what others think of them. On outside validation. Plus, I worry about how discouraging it can be to set goals that you can’t actually make happen without a bit of luck, on goals that rely on the actions of another person, especially one that you probably don’t even know yet. I think even better goals would be ones that help you first realize that no matter what anybody else thinks, as a unique human being, you have something important to say. And maybe your writing skills aren’t where they need to be, and maybe you will face a hundred rejections and maybe you won’t find an agent this year, but you won’t give up on yourself. And I think it’s better to set a goal to look for an agent–with the qualities that you personally need–rather than a goal to find an agent. Because if your goal is to find an agent, you might enter into a relationship out of desperation, when the search gets long and hard. And perhaps an important part of the goal to look for an agent can be to reject agents who aren’t a good fit. That can be one of the hardest things to do, if you’ve faced lots of rejection and finally found someone who’s willing to say yes, but you know in your heart they just aren’t what you need…That way, even if you end the year without an agent, you can still reach your goal. I highly recommend setting goals that set yourself up so that you cannot fail, so long as you are trying. Because as much as we try to tell ourselves otherwise, we cannot pick outcomes. We can definitely influence them and we often influence them significantly, but we can’t chose them absolutely. And I absolutely believe that success does not look like finding an agent, selling a book, or even being on the best seller list. Success looks like believing in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you. True success is getting up every single time you fall. That is all.
Thank you for this, Erin. I agree wholeheartedly. When we solely seek approval from others, and when we define “success” as something that comes from the validation of others, we are bound to fall short.
I have friends who, yes, “”have gotten and agent,” but the agent they got was not the right fit (and not because the agent didn’t or couldn’t sell their book!). Just as it’s better to be alone than to be in a harmful relationship, it’s worse to be un-agented than it is to be with the wrong agent.
Thank you for sharing all of this with the community!
Good point, Erin. Goals that are too general can lead you to settle for something that’s harmful, even dangerous, to your career and personal life both.
Yes, Christine!
In this world of writing and publishing, it’s so easy to feel beholden to the powers that seem to be the sole holders of power. But I don’t think that’s a healthy attitude. We don’t have to settle because we aren’t desperate. :)
This was just the right post at the right time for me! I’m about to embark on edits with a yet-to-be-assigned editor for my debut. My nerves are on high. Yes, I am still learning to write. And yes, any tough love and marginalia will be in service of the story.
Thank you, Sharon! And thank you for sharing your story and your empathy. Three cheers for massive (as opposed to meager, minimal, measly) marginalia. My fingers are crossed that your editor is someone who will give you exactly what you need. xox!
Sarah:
I came to your post just after reading the editorial feedback on a story that was short-listed, but ultimately rejected, in a flash fiction contest. They were hard to swallow, but did improve the story. After reading your post, I feel noble. I feel like a “real” writer. My new writing goal: I will not shy from critical comments. Humility is the beginning of wisdom.
Yes! You are SO noble! And honestly, no one wants to be friends with someone who “just sits down and writes an amazing novel in three months.” Nor doesn’t anyone want to be friends with someone who says, “Et voila! Just like that, I got published!” Those people are not noble like we are!
But seriously. It’s a LOT more fun to tell folks that it took me ten years to write a book and ten more years to get it published. I don’t have to feel sheepish or unworthy.
I love your goals too. Humility really is the beginning of wisdom.
Keep going, Christine! Keep going.
Sarah, thank you for your lovely post and reflection on wants vs needs. I love your daughter’s list, esp. CONFIDENCE (makes me break out in song!) and the boyfriend :) “Summer romance” was on my list 39 years ago, among other things. And he’s turned out to be the BEST husband. A blessing. Because without him and the children, I’d still be a lab rat somewhere, wildly successful of course, perhaps waiting for retirement before penning my adventures (there’s a price for success).
I loved that your editor patted your hand and reminded you that we are always apprentices at this writing thing. I’m still learning to write a novel. I wish I’d known this when I began–and trusted the process more and kept at it consistently instead of abandoning it after a month, year after year (and some years not even glancing at it) to chase the more commercial nonfiction projects. My novel would be higher up the food chain…hmmm, maybe that analogy doesn’t work, but I need to take a cool bath and ponder it (both food chains and the great American novel).
Yes! “”I have confidence in confidence alooooooone ….”
Thank you, as always for sharing your empathetic, authentic, humble words. I do not know how it’s possible that I have written 2.5 novels, yet I still genuinely insist that don’t know how to write a novel. But it’s true! Maybe it’s like parenting … I will have two kids in college in August, and I can genuinely say that have no idea how to parent!
Now I need a cool bath. ;) I hope to meet you someday.
So helpful and encouraging! My goal has shifted with this manuscript from “get published” to “learn everything I can from this novel about writing, and everything I can from the challenges I’m putting the character through, so that we both grow up a bit.” Thanks for the perspective.
Yes, Chris! I love that goal revision. It’s brilliant, actually. “So that we both grow up a bit” … beautiful. When I was at the ALA conference, I met a lot of children’s book authors, and I realized that children’s book authors rarely have any ego. They are humble, genuine, grateful, and willing to grow. I see those lovely traits even in your three-line comment.
Keep it up!
:)