So Many Decisions
By Matthew Norman | March 27, 2023 |
When people find out that I’m a novelist they often have some follow-up questions. This makes sense. Mathematically speaking there aren’t that many of us per capita—like stunt people or tree surgeons—so I’m usually the only novelist that a given person has ever met.
There are a lot of questions about where I get my ideas. I wish I knew; I’d go there more often. Others want to know if there’s any money in writing novels, which is usually when I offer them a ride in one of my Lamborghinis. The question I get most, though, is: “When did you decide to become a writer?”
This is a tough question, because it’s virtually impossible to answer without sounding overly serious, like I should be speaking in a European accent and smoking one of those long, skinny cigarettes. The truth is, I never decided to become a writer, I just always was one. I know, right? Obnoxious.
I’m willing to bet that many of you reading this will recognize the following trajectory, adjusted, of course, for your respective form. I wrote stories and read them aloud to my parents when I was still scribbling in pencil. I started submitting to and being rejected by literary journals during high school. And I took my first crack at a novel-length manuscript in college. I didn’t formally decide to do any of these completely illogical things, I just kinda did them. Writing is the thing, for better or worse (often worse), that I’m meant to do.
That said, I’ve made countless decisions both big and small along the way that have allowed me to continue being a writer. The following are some of the most important ones. If you’ve been at this for a while, I bet you’ll recognize a few of these, too. And if you’re new to writing…well, here’s what you’ve got to look forward to.
I Tried…But Not Too Hard
Unless you’re the descendant of shipping tycoons or British royalty, you probably have a day job. In my early twenties I chose advertising copywriting, and for a few years it was a pretty sweet deal. I’d write brochures, taglines, and radio scripts by day, then I’d work on my own writing at night and on weekends. I was young and inexperienced, and—at least professionally speaking—nobody expected that much from me.
Eventually, though, years of general competence added up, and well-meaning managers started wanting me to do more. (Wait, what?) In the face of potential promotions and increased responsibility, I was forced to make one of my first adult decisions as a writer. I would be good enough at my advertising job to stay employed and properly housed, but I wouldn’t be so good that people wanted to actually put me in charge of things. From that day forward, I kept my head down, I did my work, and I avoided climbing whatever corporate ladders were placed before me.
As easy as this might sound in theory, the trouble with corporate ladders is that there’s often tempting things up there, like more money and prestige and offices with actual doors. I knew myself well enough, though, to know that a more stressful, time-consuming job would slowly and surely cannibalize the energy I needed to focus on the job that mattered most to me: writing novels. To protect the career you want, you may have to undermine—or even sabotage—the one you have.
I Married Someone Who Gets It
Listen, I know, the heart wants what the heart wants, right? We can’t choose whom we do and do not fall in love with, and I’m not here to pick your relationships for you. From personal experience, however, I can tell you that your life will be much easier if you’re with someone who accepts and supports your need to write. And, more importantly, that acceptance needs to be a long-term commitment. For richer or poor (often poorer).
Like the day-job example above, this may seem easy at first. At the beginning of relationships our heads are all foggy and stupid, and we can’t imagine being anything other than supportive to our new partners, and vice versa. Plus, there’s a certain charm in struggling when we’re just starting out. I used to go to parties in grad school where my fellow writers and I would hang our rejection slips on the wall like melancholy home décor.
The trouble with writing, though, is that there’s nothing short term about it. As a writer, you’ll often work very hard and for a very long time and have very little to show for it. Years may pass between even modest successes, and much of your work and effort will seem as if it’s being launched into a blackhole. But, simply put, you have to keep doing it. That’s the gig. And having a person by your side who gets that is essential.
I’m Basically a Recluse
Unlike the two examples above, this one has gotten easier for me as I’ve gotten older. I’m in my mid-forties now, so, aside from my kids’ sporting events, I’m rarely called upon to leave the house. Hell, I’m rarely called upon to put on pants that aren’t fluffy.
When I was younger, though, I had to work hard to defend my writing time. Back then, I treated novel writing like a part time job, so unless I had a damn good reason, I was due at the keyboard Monday through Thursday evenings from 7pm-ish to 10pm-ish and for at least a few hours on Saturdays and Sundays. That meant I had to learn to say no—no to things that in retrospect probably would’ve been fun. Intermural sports and road trips and weeknight concerts downtown and happy hours with friends.
The writer as recluse may be a stereotype, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. To write your book, you have to write your book, and that takes time. The good/bad news: if you say no often enough…people will probably stop asking.
A Bookish Life For Me
Nearly every day someone tells me—usually while sighing and looking tired—that they wish they could read more, or that they used to read so much, or that they can’t remember the last time they read something that wasn’t Twitter. Last year, one of my best friends confessed to me that he hasn’t read any of my books. He was sweet about it, assuring me that it wasn’t personal. He hasn’t read any books by anyone since college. He just…he just can’t do it.
That’s fair. After all, we’re basically living in the Golden Age of Not Reading. We’re busier than we’ve ever been, more tired, more distracted, more caffeinated, and, admittedly, there’s a ton of great stuff on TV. However, to be the best writer that you can be you need to immerse yourself in the written word. Sometimes that will happen naturally; other times it’ll take legitimate effort.
Do I read as much or as often as I wish I did? Of course not. I mean, come on, I have the Internet, too. But I’m always in the middle of reading something. And I bring that something with me wherever I go—to my kids’ practices and the carpool line and the coffee shop. And this isn’t just because I like reading, which, obviously, I do very much. With the right attitude and focus, anything you read can be a professionally taught seminar on an important writing topic. For example, I recently read Taffy Brodesser-Akner’s Fleishman is In Trouble and took a deep dive into the power of non-traditional narrators in fiction. After that, I read Delia Cai’s Central Places and saw how effectively writers can use exposition to create context between dramatic action. And right now, I’m studying the blending of classic elements of genre and literary fiction in Rebecca Makkai’s new novel I Have Some Questions for You. There are a million books out there, and each one has something to teach you.
As I said, though, I’m in my mid-forties, and sometimes my eyes get tired. If that ever happens to you, I recommend stepping into your fluffiest sweatpants and turning on HBO. OMG, have you seen The Last of Us?!
What decisions (sacrifices?) have you made over the years to protect your writing? Have those decisions been easier or more difficult to make as you’ve gotten older? Has your need to write ever caused problems in an important relationship? How much are you able to read in this Golden Age of Not Reading? What’s a recent lesson you’ve learned from something you’ve read?
Matthew Norman is the author of five novels. His latest, Charm City Rocks, is out now from Dell. His debut novel, Domestic Violets, was nominated in the Best Humor Category at the 2011 Goodreads Choice Awards, and his second novel, We’re All Damaged, was an Amazon bestseller. His upcoming novel, Grace & Henry’s Holiday Movie Marathon, will be out in October. He lives with his wife and two daughters in Baltimore and holds an MFA from George Mason University.
[coffee]
Like you, I started writing young. Gave it up for decades between various toe-dipping excursions that inevitably ended badly.
When I decided I was going to write (and finish) a novel, I’d just finished a PhD so had developed the “protect the time” habit over a number of years. I got up early to write for a couple of hours before the day job. Wrote on weekends. As the habit developed, I stopped watching TV and spent less time playing games with others and more time playing games with my characters.
Sometimes I fall into the habit of thinking of writing as my day-job instead of a way of life. It’s never a good mindset for me so I try to remember that I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was able to scrawl words on the walls with a crayon. (Speaking of bad decisions.) Now that I am, I’m working toward being more mindful about it. I work when I work and try to make it a point to work every day – at least a little. I try to foster a “creative” mindset instead of a “productive” one. I try to pace myself so I don’t get burned out (again) and spend a little time each day refilling the well to replace what I’ve taken from it.
I also decided that I’d put on pants in the morning. As much as I love my pjs, I like having the extra pockets. Also helps me set the tone for the day. Like putting on a uniform or that commute to work.
Reading is my jam. I love reading. I spend 20 hrs a week reading (according to my phone logs which keep me honest. Kindle is the #1 use of my phone). I read closely in my niche to see what others are doing. I read some related niches to see what else is happening in the neighborhood. I read some stuff that’s off the wall just to see what it looks like.
I read a lot of iffy books, ones that others might give a 2-star, because they’re the easiest ones to dissect. Sometimes I’m able to see what a 5-star author has done and try to learn how that happened.
One thing I learned: I just read Tale of Genji for the first time. Part of my 2023 reading goal of “One Classic A Month.” I learned that 1000 years later, people – and stories – haven’t changed that much. On the one hand, seems like tragic stories about despicable people have been popular for a while. On the other hand … yeah. I’d rather hoped we’d be doing better.
Hey, Nathan. I experimented with writing in the early-early mornings a few years ago. Man, what a disaster that was! Also: I, too, put on pants…most days, at least. Keep up the good work! -MN
The Golden Age of Not Reading is one of those things that elicits a burst of laughter that’s like an immune response from the psyche, to protect yourself from deep depression. Amen to having someone who gets it. I have no idea where I’d be without mine, other than the fact that it’d be a much darker place. Really fun and truth-filled essay, thanks.
Thanks, Vaughn. The new season of Succession started last night. Ugh…speaking of not reading. Damn you, HBO! -MN
It’s surprisingly reassuring to learn there are others out there who have turned down and continue to say no to moving up the ladder in the day job in order to protect the creative headspace needed for all the words after hours.
Hey, Nell. Career Saboteurs Unite! -MN
I started sending poetry to the New Yorker pretty early on. I was so proud of those rejections with that letterhead on them. Yes to never really having made the choice to write because there wasn’t one to make. Yes to tanking relationships and pissing people off with ‘no, thank you’ and “I need to work’. And yes to the enormous blessing of finding someone who gets it. Saying no to things has forgotten easier over time because I realized I don’t need to apologize or explain. I read constantly and voraciously because it’s part of the job, and because after staring at a screen all day, it’s the last thing I want to do at night. I make exceptions now and then (Lady Chatterly, Out of Africa, Merlin) but generally read myself to sleep. Makes for good dreams. I love this post!!
Hey, Susan. Ahh…I remember those New Yorker rejections. Once an editor wrote “nice story” across the top of the form letter. I was so thrilled! Thanks for commenting. -MN
I will always write, though my credits are slight. The dream never dies.
And yes, as a writer, you’ll often work very hard and for a very long time and have very little to show for it. Years may pass between even modest successes, and much of your work and effort will seem as if it’s being launched into a blackhole. But, simply put, you have to keep doing it. That’s the gig. And having a person by your side who gets that is essential. WORDS TO READ EVERY DAY, thanks, Mathew.
Hey. Thanks. “I Will Always Write” would make a killer tattoo. -MN
Unlike most writers I know, I didn’t really start when I was young. Oh, I’d write down a thought, phrasing it beautifully(?) In high school, I started writing a western novel, but didn’t get far. At about 30, I had an idea for a John Carter of Mars homage and wrote the whole thing (writing by hand and typewriter). An actual novel. And promptly put it away. A while after that an idea for a sf story came to me that I couldn’t ignore. After 5 drafts on a typewriter, it was finished; 7 years later it was published.
I wrote regularly until I decided to go back to school and get my master’s degree in library & information studies. I was 60. For the two years in grad school and 5 years as non-teaching faculty at a university. I did a lot of writing during those 5 years, but articles working towards tenure. No fiction at all. I finally got back to writing after I retired. My 14th book was just released. It’s the second in a Y/A series. I’m also working on a thriller/mystery series. I can’t seem to just write in one genre.
I love the act of writing, especially when I’m totally immersed in the story. I read every day, sometimes only for 15 minutes. I don’t give up my writing time willingly. And I hope I get better with each book.
Hey, Cary. Wow…14! Well done. Keep at it! -MN
Lovely essay, Matthew. And I laughed over writing on the walls (I’ve grown out of that phase). What we choose daily really makes us who we are. And once I made the decision to write (in my mid-30s once I became a mother and stopped working as a research scientist) I choose it more often than not. It’s soooo helpful to have a supportive spouse. I wouldn’t have a writing life without my husband and children. Thank you for the reminder to choose writing.
Thanks, Vijaya! Appreciate it. -MN
Things I did to provide myself with enough unstructured time to write and keep a roof over my head:
1. Door-to-door mortuary services.
2. Stripper pole (many moons ago).
3. Cover girl and centerfold (hey, at least I got a book out of it).
4. Walgreens.
5. Fitness instructor.
6. Ghostwriting gigs for people who were truly insane.
7. Security guard at an art museum (most boring job ever).
8. Dating service memberships (this was before Tinder and I sold the story to Salon).
9. Vacation tours (before the Interwebz devoured that business whole).
10. Writing people’s Tinder/Grindr/Match profiles.
I’m married to another freelancer, so you can imagine our financial precarity. It’s a good thing he’s cute ;-)
So, yeah. Everything you wrote about here, I relate to. My whole life has been one long painful sacrifice to keep writing books that few people will ever read.
Hey, Stacey. I want to read a novel about a door-to-door mortuary services salesperson. Write it, and I’ll buy it! -MN
Right? I was seventeen. What on earth did I know about death? Thinking about what I must have said to these people makes me cringe.
Good post. I’ll bet almost every member of this group could tell similar stories. You have reminded me that serious devotion to any sort of art form is not just time-consuming, it has other costs. It can destroy “normal” human relationships, because the people who need you (and they do) just don’t get it (and they didn’t). Just wait ’til I sell my stuff to Hollywood, though.
I’ve been thinking of this as the Golden Age of Story because of how much story is everywhere (everywhere, all at once). I’m also currently listen-reading Rebecca Makkai’s I Have Some Questions for You, and studying her use of the rare (and effective) 2nd person.
Wonderful post, Matthew. I look forward to hearing about Charm City Rocks in the coming months! (Out in June, yes?)
Hey. Yep–Charm City Rocks drops June 6. My first true love story. About “I Have Some Questions for You”…I liked it. I didn’t register the 2nd person as much as I originally thought I would. I guess because the “you” was so clearly defined. I don’t read a lot of books that are categorized as mystery, so it was a rare-ish experience for me. -MN
Great post, Matthew. So much resonates, especially fighting for work-life balance with the day job. Always comforting to know we’re not alone in this beautiful and crazy writing journey.
Hey, Rose. WU and places like this have given us a community, which has personally been great for me. Thanks! -MN