Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | February 16, 2023 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
There’s a picture of Mother Teresa that hangs on our living room wall where a television would go if we could afford the kind of television that hangs on the wall, or even a home with the kind of walls that could hold a television.
The walls of a trailer house aren’t made of the same stuff walls in a normal house are made of. In a trailer house, the walls crumble beneath your fingernails like chalk if you so much as scratch at them.
I once asked my mother, Janean, why she keeps a picture of Mother Teresa on our living room wall.
“The bitch was a fraud,” she said.
Her words. Not mine.
I think when you’re the worst of people, finding the worst in others becomes a survival tactic of sorts. You focus heavily on the darkness in people in the hopes of masking the true shade of your own darkness. That’s how my mother has spent her entire life. Always seeking the worst in people. Even her own daughter.
Even Mother Teresa.
Janean is lying on the couch in the same position she was in when I left for my shift at McDonald’s eight hours ago. She’s staring at the picture of Mother Teresa, but she’s not actually looking at it. It’s as if her eyeballs have stopped working.
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number one on the New York Times paperback trade fiction bestseller list for February 19, 2023. Were the opening pages of the first chapter of Heart Bones by Colleen Hoover compelling?
My vote: Yes-ish.
This book received 4.6 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It’s worth noting that Ms Hoover has five books on the NYT bestseller list for paperback trade fiction. They are, in fact the top five. We have previously flogged the two of the novels-one received 53% No votes and the other 63% Yes votes.
My page turn wasn’t a gotta-do-it, but the voice and the suggestion of trouble ahead were enough to earn a turn. We learn on the following pages that her mother has died from an overdose. I submit that the opening page would be stronger if the last paragraph had an additional sentence moved up from later in the narrative:
Janean is lying on the couch in the same position she was in when I left for my shift at McDonald’s eight hours ago. Except now there’s a needle dangling from the skin just underneath the inside of her elbow.
Your thoughts? Would that change make the opening stronger?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
Plain and simple, the writing was clearly strong, so I felt compelled to vote Yes even though I would never normally pick up a literary fiction book. I aspire to write a line like that first, overlong sentence about walls and TVs. And the only line of dialogue is a sock in the teeth. I’ve never read this author but she clearly has it going on and it’s not the normal flabby-rusty crank-up bestsellers like her often get away with.
I agree Will Hahn, I voted yes because it leaves me wanting to know more. But that extra sentence added on makes my vote a no. It answers my question and quells my curiosity.
Colleen Hoover is about as far away from literary fiction as we can get. ;)
I so agree.
I voted an easy yes. The opening promises a story of survival from a narrator who has had nothing handed to them and nevertheless, has a wise perspective.
I like the original last paragraph. It feels important that Mother Theresa is in eyesight. And the eyeballs not working is a great phrase that caused me to wonder if she is dead, which leads me to keep reading.
I was surprised this was Colleen Hoover. I’ve been reading so much about the way her books took off via book Tok and her fan base, but the articles are never about the actual writing. So, I didn’t know what to expect. Based on this first page, I’ll soon try one of her books.
I totally agree. I voted no, but if it had that bit you suggested about the needle, I might have voted yes. It felt… well… boring without it. With the needle, there’s immediate conflict/problem so, I would have wanted to read more. This is now the 2nd Hoover I’ve voted no on! I guess she’s just not for me!
Your edit is a good one, Ray. It probably wouldn’t have made me a buyer because I’m not sure I’m ever really in the mood anymore for a drug story or a story that has drug use as an underpinning. But the narrative voice is a good one.
I voted yes. Didn’t even recognize it as a Colleen Hoover book. I would vote no on the added sentence. I like that the mom is in the same position as 8 hours before and that it appears as if her eyes aren’t working. For me that presents a question (what’s going on with her mom?) and lays the groundwork for it to be revealed a bit later instead of spelling it out right away. That’s my take anyway. Another good choice, Ray!
Yes from me: efficient narration and vivid description of the decomposing trailer, suggesting the decomposing lives within it. Mom seeking the worst in people, even her own daughter, with the socko punch of insulting a revered figure (and props to the author for spelling Teresa correctly). I want to see what happens next.
Hello Ray. Unlike many first pages you post, this one has life and shows promise. The first page convinces me the writer knows what she’s doing, but even so, I wouldn’t read on. It’s a matter of personal preference. These days, I don’t want to read a novel narrated by a character who works at McDonald’s, and lives in a trailer with a nasty mom. Of course such characters and circumstances deserve to be taken seriously, and how a story is written is almost always more important than the subject matter. But as a reader, I’m more drawn to stories that concern themselves with struggles that don’t stem from obvious deprivations. This isn’t politically correct on my part, but I read what I want, and I don’t want this.
Colleen Hoover is a phenomenon. It’s almost not worth reading the Sunday Top ten list each week because, as you noted, half of them are her books, most of which are 1-2 years old at least. If anyone wonders whether Tik-Tok is worth it, she’s the answer. That aside, she’s a strong writer. I recognized her style (and knowing she grew up in a trailer) felt this must be one of hers. She’s succeeded in getting lots of non-readers to pick up a book so more power to her! Not my cup of tea, (I tried to read Verity but it was too over the top for me) but hey, that’s the beauty of books. So many to choose from.
I voted yes. There’s a strong, confident voice, a glimpse into an unglamorous world many readers may not have experienced, and a provocatively negative take on somebody who’s literally been made a saint. I’m intrigued, and good for a few more pages at the very least.
I voted Yes, not because of any compelling “story question” but because I thought an author who dared say something so iconoclastic, and then explain it with an idea about human nature that I don’t think I’ve heard before, may go on to say other interesting things, and finding out the reasons why people behave the way they do has always been one of my reasons for reading fiction.
Adding the line about a needle would have put me off because I’m not in the mood to read another story about drugs, I read the bit about eyeballs not working as a reference to the 1000-yard stare of someone who’s been traumatised.
It is compelling, but I voted no because I don’t care for present tense narratives. I would probably skip ahead to see if the rest of the book were in present tense. I understand your edit, Ray, moving up the sentence with the needle, but like others, I’m not sure I would want to read the type of story that suggests. OTH, some really powerful stories can emerge from that world that aren’t necessarily about drug use — Daniel Woodrell’s Winter’s Bone, for example.
I wish I understood why people don’t like first-person narratives. Portions of my novels are that way, and sometimes in present tense, too, another no-no for some readers that I don’t get.
I love first person, both as a reader and a writer. On occasion I’ve gotten caught up in a present tense narrative and barely noticed that’s what I was reading. But too often, it calls attention to itself and takes me out of the story, which is the opposite of the effect I think the author wants, to make it feel more immediate.
Sorry, Ray, but I spent my whole life reading novels written in the past tense. I don’t find present tense to be either engaging or immediate, only annoying and sometimes awkward. I’m constantly editing it back to past tense as I read.
As for today’s entry, it has voice, I’ll give it that, but I’m not sure I’d want to spend a whole novel with this character. And it was a depressing start to a story. I voted no.
Different strokes for different folks. I spent at least 60 years reading in the past tense, yet I now not only read it but I write it. For me, it creates an immediacy that adds the the alternate reality a good novel aims to immerse us in. If you would like, contact me and I’ll send you an electronic version of one of my novels written in the present tense. No charge, but feedback is requested.
No. I’m sick of the bad mother trope, and the “my life is so hard” trope. You can show your life circumstances without beating the reader over the head with it. And someone hanging a framed pic of Mother Teresa just to scorn her? That feels like the author tried too hard to create a “unique” character flaw. I wasn’t interested in the mother on the couch, needle or no needle. I already assumed she’d die, because the opening felt passive–as if the mother was already dead. If anything I was surprised to find her on the couch at all, having already assumed she was dead. I have no regard for Colleen Hoover’s work, and it didn’t surprise me when the title was revealed. She knows what average readers want and delivers, but that isn’t interesting to me.
I voted no. I agree there are some questions–suggestions of trouble–but nothing about this rang particularly novel or fresh (not the voice, not the character or her circumstances, not the suggestion of a troubled mother/daughter relationship). Colleen is certainly having every writer’s “dream moment” in terms of sales (new and old books all on every list). Having read a few of her books, I think what she does well is create the angst (particularly romantic angst) that certain readers crave, and that is what hooks her super-fans and keeps them buying more. I also think she uses her own life/past to infuse her characters with hard-knock circumstances that show up authentically on the page. But for me, her prose is very straightforward and not particularly compelling, and this opening in particular is not (on its own) enough to evoke excitement on my end.
Ray’s sentence helps quite a bit but putting a picture of Mother Theresa — in the living room — just to hate her is too much. But the first few lines are great and engaging, so I’d read more, but maybe not much more if it didn’t pick up. The narrator has got some heavy lifting to do to keep me.
I voted no. Oh, the writing is engaging, but right off the bat the author lost me with the description of trailer house walls, because cheap trailer house walls don’t crumble–they’re cheap paneling, not drywall or the sort of substance that would crumble like that. Nitpicky? Yes. It tells me that despite the lurid details, the writer doesn’t necessarily know what they’re talking about.
Research, people. Know what you’re talking about, because if you get it wrong, you’re gonna throw someone out of the story. If I can’t trust the writer to get that one detail correct, how can I trust them with the story?
And the Mother Teresa detail doesn’t jibe. It really doesn’t. A cheap-ass poster from catechism class? Maybe. But something fancy-framed? No.
I said no for the same reason. can’t please everyone but you should show that you know what you’re talking about on the first page.
I found myself quite engaged by this narrative voice, and was tbh a little shocked at the book/author reveal, given what I’ve heard about her writing…
Yes-ish for all the same reasons. Your opening is far more reviting. You should email Miss Hoover and have contract you to write her openings :)
I voted yes because of the narrator’s voice. But if you moved up the dangling needle sentence, I might have groaned and said no.
You thought yes-ish, Ray. I agree about the “ish,” but I would vote no. As an imaginary agent I would say that the writing is smooth but with rough spots for a first page. And the situation, even before it’s clear Janean (why name her here?) is dead, is clearly grim and not in a good way.
I would vote no. The beginning was so like another novel I recently reviewed that I felt like the author was stealing.
I voted no. The writing was entertaining, but it tried too hard. It was like being hit with a flurry of punches the second you step into the ring. If I were handed this in a workshop, I read on. If I had to pay for it — no.
I voted no because although a compelling concept it wasn’t executed well (it failed a read aloud). The author could execute it well though … the raw ability is there. If I were stuck somewhere with no phone or other mental entertainment I’d read it hoping the clunkier text is intentional for the character, which it may very well be. I give props for how close it was to being excellent or iconic. Were I the editor I would have pushed for more.
Struck me as melodrama, overwritten to get my attention. Why would she need to name her own mother in first person?