Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | October 20, 2022 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
Who the hell is this?” barked Amos Decker.
He had been awoken from a sleep far deeper than he usually achieved. The insomnia had been getting worse, and it was adding nothing positive to his already unpredictable temperament. He hadn’t looked at the phone number on the screen before answering it. In his line of work, calls came at all times of the day or night and not always from those on his contact list.
“Amos, it’s Mary Lancaster.” Her voice was low, tenuous. “Do you remember me?”
Amos Decker sat up stiffly in his bed and rubbed his unshaven face. He saw on his phone screen that it was nearly three in the morning.
“Since I pretty much can’t forget anything, it’s not likely I’d forget you, is it, Mary?” He patted himself on both cheeks, working to remove the fuzziness from his mind. Then his thoughts settled on the timing of the call, which was in itself a warning.
In a tense voice he added, “Mary, is something wrong? Why are you even up now?”
Mary Lancaster was Decker’s former partner in the Burlington Police Department in Ohio. A while back she’d been diagnosed with early onset dementia. The disease had spiraled continually downward, as her brain deteriorated and dragged the rest of her along with it.
“I’m fine. Couldn’t sleep.”
To Decker, she didn’t sound fine at all. But he hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and this (snip)
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for October 30, 2022. Were the opening pages of the first chapter of Long Shadows by David Baldacci compelling?
My vote: A reluctant yes.
This book received 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. My Yes vote was reluctant due to a measure of approach/avoidance in my reader brain. Approach because the story question raised about the caller and her suffering a devastating disease made me want to know more about her and if he can help an obviously troubled friend. (My sister-in-law is suffering from this. It’s tragic.) Avoidance because, despite the fact that this is a pro writer, the writing struck me as, well, kinda clunky. I mean, barking? “He saw on his phone” is a clunky filter, this could be better written. So my reluctance might get one page turned, but things need to improve rapidly for me. Your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
[coffee]
“He had been awoken…” is that even English?! Then the next sentence describes the deep sleep he had been in, followed by the insomnia he suffered…?? This is lazy writing or bad editing. I vote no.
Wow. No. Not for me. I’ve already read enough to know I have no confidence that I can escape into the story, no matter how plot twisty it becomes. It reads like a bad first draft. Plus, I don’t trust the author knows anything about dementia. Although everyone is affected differently, mentioning it had spiraled continually downward, as her brain deteriorated and dragged the rest of her along with it, was a red flag. In advanced dementia that is also affecting the body, from what I’ve witnessed, you don’t make phone calls.
My sister-in-law does seem to be spiraling down. Not long past, she did make phone calls to us, but hasn’t in a while. They’ve dropped off since she moved to another city, but I don’t know if that’s a cause.
I’m a big no. This feels like a first page you can only get away with if you’re one of those authors that people will read based on your name alone. It breaks some cardinal rules that emerging writers usually get hit over the head with (starting with dialogue, starting with the protagonist waking up) which I could forgive but the sentences are just wordy. It doesn’t open like a book I’d want to spend a few hours with.
I voted no because it was so stiff and wordy and a bit of a jolt. The character was unlikable from the first word by barking into the phone like that. This is picky, but when the phone rings in the middle of the night, I immediately think of an emergency, trouble, or someone who is hurt. Also, there was no emotional draw for me except that I didn’t like Amos. I used to read Baldacci novels and enjoy them but haven’t read him in a long time. I have to say that this “rule” that we have to jump into high action on page one is often jarring that doesn’t work for me in a number of novels. As a reader, I prefer to be drawn into a setting and a character with some emotional landscape that tempts me into the story. I’m sure that a gripping first page has its merits. I still have a lot of trouble with this premise that writers have to pitch their opening page to what an agent wants to read. Aren’t we writing for readers more than agents?
I soooo agree about opening pages!!! I’m exhausted reading cleverly crafted openings obviously meant for agents. Give me some set-up in the form of mood, atmosphere … something thoughtful. Cast a spell. The whole “first paragraph should contain the protag’s name, agenda, story problem, hook, setting, life goal, etc” is kind of ridiculous.
I don’t advocate a “rule” that says we have to jump into high action on the first page, nor do I think a writer should pitch their opening page to what an agent wants. I’ve read many opening pages that hooked me without “high action.” They had an engaging character, something wrong/going wrong for the character, and a good voice.
I voted a reluctant yes as well. The writing was VERY clunky, but I was intrigued by the action. Definitely didn’t promise to be anything more than easy entertainment!
Ray, a “reluctant yes” from you can only be explained by the trouble a member of your family is facing. I have no such trouble in my family, and I was done with this after the second paragraph.
Barked? Awoken? A sleep far deeper than he usually achieved?
What’s true of this opening page applies to many others you’ve posted over the years: when it comes to fiction, “bestseller” doesn’t have to mean anything, at least not in terms of the writing.
For a change, I voted yes—though reluctantly. All the exposition could have been done more deftly and in half the space. I was ready to vote no until Mary’s identity and current plight were revealed, and that aroused my curiosity. The characterization and the hints of an intriguing plot might keep me reading for a little while, but if the writing continues to be this clunky and cumbersome, out goes this book in favor of a better one.
As a library volunteer I have often handled and re-shelved Baldacci’s books and recognize their popularity. Is this still another example of an author’s name and track record intimidating the agent and editor?
We’ve seen many bestseller opening pages here that could clearly have benefited from having been edited. I suspect that big name bestsellers are not required to undergo a serious substantive edit.
Another reluctant yes for similar reasons to yours, Ray. My sympathies. Right after reading this, I turned to Psalm 23.
Nope. Way too clunky and amateurish writing.
Barked, using his full name twice in a row, using people’s names IN dialog – something most of us rarely do in real life – all pointed to either an amateur writer, or a multi-published pro who’s phoning it in. In this case, it was the latter.
This.
I read a lot of crime fiction, and this is a comparatively clunky opening. It’s kind of shocking, really.
The only thing that intrigued me about it is that Amos’s detective skills are likely to be tested by the confusion of a sympathetic secondary character. I would assume she is both a potential victim who is vulnerable because of her illness, and an unreliable witness to a significant crime. That’s an interesting complication to the plot’s advancement. The rest is pretty much all cliché.
“Then his thoughts settled on the timing of the call, which was in itself a warning.” Seriously? Wordy and so obvious, I was looking for an ironic twist.
NO! We strive for sentences that work. The second one clunked and then it got worse.
Another reluctant yes here. If I were editing this section, the first two paragraphs have to GO. We learn everything we really need to know in a story opening in the following paragraphs, clunky though they are.
I voted no. From what I’ve read of popular mystery novels, the genre seems to get by on lower standards than some others, especially books written by a well-known author.
It still gets a No vote from me, but upon reflection his first line being gruff and his not thinking straight could very well be foreshadowing or, rather, hinting about backstory with the subtle story question of why is he a cop (ideally professional and respected) who is not sleeping well and yelling into his phone? The writing is redundant, so it wouldn’t make me a new reader, but my second read suggests more is going on here.
Ray’s question at the top is quite clear: Would this opening attract an agent if it were submitted by an *unpublished* writer? Don’t think so.
And this.
THIS is what makes me grumpiest! Like many other commenters, I became intrigued when I learned the caller was a former partner who is slipping into dementia. Great idea! But Amos is instantly dislikable and the writing is incredibly clunky. The author apparently just pounded this out, giving it less thought than I am giving to this comment. Nevertheless, it’s a bestseller, #1 on the NYT list. I think of all the contributors to this blog, and so many others, struggling to do our best writing, honoring our craft (regardless of genre), and apparently the public doesn’t care. Even more shockingly, publishers don’t care, either. Grrrrrrrrrrr….
Agreed. Also, “ARGH!”
My father had dementia, and for that reason I would personally avoid reading about it in fiction. But just pretending for a moment that the character had some other affliction, I still would not read on. As everyone else has already noted, the writing is not good. Also, waking up to a phone call is a cliche. If you’re going to do that, at least do an original take on it.
Ray, I am so sorry about your sister-in-law.