Knowing Your No
By Greer Macallister | October 3, 2022 |
Taken as a whole, much of the most common writing advice is contradictory. Write what you know, but don’t make all your fiction thinly veiled autobiography. Write every day, but don’t reduce everything to routine. The area where I find these clashing the most lately? Say yes to everything… and don’t be afraid to say no.
I’ve always struggled with taking on too much. Afraid of losing opportunities, afraid of not doing all I can to help my writing succeed, I often push myself too hard to my own detriment. Interestingly, the only time I found it easy to draw a bright line was when I started promoting my debut novel when my daughter was only three months old: I said yes to one bookseller show, but no to a second one a week later, because I knew there was no way I could manage the logistics of child care and my own exhaustion to cover both. Of course, that period passed. A year later I said yes to an evening event in Wisconsin when I had to be in Lafayette, Louisiana, by noon the next day. (It worked out, somewhat miraculously, involving an overnight stop in Kansas City.)
Saying yes to too much burns you out. You can’t do all the interviews, write all the books, support all the launches, grant all the blurbs, give freely of your time and energy to all your writing colleagues, host all the events, attend all the conferences, judge all the competitions, contribute to all the anthologies, and so on. But saying no to the chance to do any of those things can feel like a terrible mistake. What if that anthology would have put you on the map? What if your friend feels betrayed that you can’t do a beta read on their novel this time around? What if the book that feels hardest for you to write could have been your biggest success? It’s a trap, either way.
This is a different post than I usually write. I never pretend to have the all the answers, but I can usually offer some sort of framework, a few handy guidelines, on how to move forward. Today, I’ve got nothing. Unfortunately, deciding when to say yes and when to say no varies not only from person to person, but from opportunity to opportunity. Turning down an in-person event that requires travel is sometimes a fabulous choice and sometimes a genuine challenge; embracing the opportunity to support another writer with a beta read is often the right choice but occasionally the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So I don’t have any great guidelines here. But if you do, I’d sure love to hear them!
Q: How do you decide when to say yes and when to say no?
Raised in the Midwest, Greer Macallister earned her MFA in creative writing from American University. Her historical novels have been named Book of the Month, Indie Next, LibraryReads, Target Book Club, and Amazon Best Book of the Month picks and optioned for film and television. Her latest novel, The Thirteenth Husband, is inspired by Aimee Crocker, the Paris Hilton of the Gilded Age. Macallister also writes the ongoing Five Queendoms epic fantasy series as G.R. Macallister. A regular contributor to Writer Unboxed and the Chicago Review of Books, she lives with her family in Boston, MA. www.greermacallister.com
It’s all about priorities. It was easy to see the line when your child was a baby, because babies are always top priority.
My tip is get and keep your priorities in order and in sight. Don’t ever say yes because you just want to be nice. Say yes when it’s like the stars have aligned to give you what you’ve been seeking.
My big tip is how to say no. Say “I’m sorry but no, I can’t.” Do not go on with excuses. If asked why not, repeat “I can’t.” Add that you wish you could, if you do, but repeat you can’t. You owe no one an excuse or justification for saying no.
Do not look back wondering what could have been. It couldn’t. Look at what is in front of you – time and energy to work on those things that are your top priority.
I say all this, not because I have anyone in the writing community asking me anything like your requests, but because I’ve lived enough decades in an unstructured lifestyle. Without a boss or a time clock, I rely on priorities to frame my days.
I hope this helps whoever needs this. Remember, just say no.
“Say yes when it’s like the stars have aligned to give you what you’ve been seeking.”
Ada, this is brilliant — and just what I needed to hear. Thank you!
I’m happy it helps.
This is excellent. I wrote all this down in my bullet journal. :)
Welp, I think everyone can go home now.
– “Don’t ever say yes because you just want to be nice. Say yes when it’s like the stars have aligned to give you what you’ve been seeking.”
– ““I’m sorry but no, I can’t.” Do not go on with excuses.”
– “Do not look back wondering what could have been. It couldn’t.”
THANK YOU.
This is such a tough problem. For appearances, I’m more aggressive now about asking what the audience is likely to be (size and nature). I will not travel as far as I used to without expenses covered, including overnight (and not staying in someone’s house). Requests from friends are toughest, since I ask friends for help, too. I try to do those, though sometimes setting expectations for how quickly I can get to something, or how deep my review of a manuscript can be. What about that interview on a new podcast? It’s only 45 minutes, but then again, I’ll be performing, which is a drain, and who actually will ever hear it? No easy answers.
This is such an important topic , Greer. A while ago, I started telling my sisters and close friends that no was the new yes. That saying yes to something out of FOMO or guilt was a no to your own well-bing. And I totally agree with Ada, we never need to explain. My barometer for decision-making is my gut. I can feel in there whether something is going to serve me or pull me down. Writing is exhausting in itself, and Ada is right again, priorities are everything. Feed the horse or the horse won’t go. Someone recently asked me to Beta read and when I got the request, I felt a lift in my chest. That was a resounding yes. Conversely, I was sounded out about an opportunity involving travel that made my insides sink like a stone. Thank you for talking about this, Greer.
Thank you Greer for sharing your thoughts about this topic. I’m most definitely learning to say no, especially to the side of me that wants to save that email about an upcoming class or online tutorial about an interesting topic. I have a few trusted sources I lean on as it is important to keep up, especially with changes and improvements to advertising platforms, but not minute by minute…so that might be one piece of advice. I have to catch myself justifying taking time away from writing by using these as a distraction 😂 I’m grateful for Zoom presentations (especially for the middle graders I want to connect with) becoming more acceptable and I will much more likely accept those than agreeing to travel far for an in person presentation.
I made myself a rule last year that I was only going to do one “thing” a month for my books (after the initial launch month) and that I was not going to schedule anything during the summer, which I would reserve for rest and family. So if I already had an author talk at a store I’d have to drive 1-2 hours to reach, I would not also schedule another bookstore event the same month. Though I might also schedule a book club zoom and a podcast interview the same month. Also, I would not schedule two things, even if they did not involve travel, in the same week. And again, summer was left intentionally blank for the most part (there was one event I had scheduled way ahead for July before I made this rule for myself). This really helped me keep my sanity and it made it so I didn’t feel guilty about taking too much time away from family time or not being available to drive our son places about half the time.
When it comes to endorsement requests, I finished those that I’d agreed to and intend not to say yes to any more for 6-9 months. With full-time work (in publishing, where I am reading and writing copy all day to begin with), my own writing, and freelance writing and editing jobs, I just can’t fit it in most of the time.
Great post! ‘No’ is a word I’ve used too seldom. But I’ve learned to stop and think before I say yes. At least some of the time.
One thing that helps me is multiple calendars. My Google calendar has appointments, zoom chats, and weekly reminders of all kinds. It keeps me on top of things day to day.
I use a Tooldo calendar for deadlines, because it sorts them in chronological order. Then I print out each month on one page, calendar style, and mark off days I’ll be away from home. Then I can make notes about what I expect to be working on each week, so I don’t take on too many jobs.
It’s still a challenge not to spend too much time on things like social media scheduling, which is easy and feels like being productive but may not be the best use of time.
I needed this post very, very much today–and all the great suggestions. Thanks, Greer and everyone!
In his books on time management, Steven Covey talks about starting with the Big Rocks: The things that are your top priorities. Begin by putting the Big Rocks in your container of time, then fill in with the Medium Rocks, then and only then add the Little Rocks. If you do it the other way around, there won’t be any room for what is most important. The challenge becomes what to do when there are too many Big Rocks: Too many books clamoring to be written in too few remaining years. Write like hell, is the answer. But then what about that Second Job: Author as Marketeer? What size are those rocks?
I have a friend, another older woman writer, who only accepts paid speaking gigs now. My goal is to get to that point. For me right now, paid speaking gigs are Big Rocks.