Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | July 21, 2022 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
Nantucket Island is known for its cobblestone streets and red-brick sidewalks, cedar-shingled cottages and rose-covered arches, long stretches of golden beach and refreshing Atlantic breezes—and it’s also known for residents who adore a juicy piece of gossip (which hot landscaper has been romancing which local real estate mogul’s wife—that kind of thing). However, none of us are quite prepared for the tornado of rumors that rolls up Main Street, along Orange Street, and around the rotary out to Sconset when we learn that London-based billionaire Xavier Darling is investing thirty million dollars in the crumbling eyesore that is the Hotel Nantucket.
Half of us are intrigued. (We have long wondered if anyone would try to fix it up.)
The other half are skeptical. (The place, quite frankly, seems beyond saving.)
Xavier Darling is no stranger to the hospitality business. He has owned cruise lines, theme parks, racetracks, and even, for a brief time, his own airline. But to our knowledge, he has never owned a hotel—and he has never set foot on Nantucket.
With the help of a local real estate mogul, Eddie Pancik—aka “Fast Eddie” (who, for the record, has been happily reunited with his wife)—Xavier makes the savvy decision to hire Lizbet Keaton as his general manager. Lizbet is an island sweetheart. She moved to Nantucket in the mid-aughts from the Twin Cities, wearing her blond hair in two long braids like the younger (snip)
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You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number one on the New York Times trade hardback fiction bestseller list for July 24, 2022. Were the opening pages of the first chapter of The Hotel Nantucket by Elin Hilderbrand compelling?
My vote: No.
This book received 4.5 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It might be more instructive to consider what is missing from this opening page (keeping in mind that this is a subjective view) than what is there. I see no character, no person with whom to identify or to be interested in. There is no problem that an unknown character needs to deal with (one is introduced approximately 900 words later). For me, there are no even vaguely interesting story questions raised. A grammar question—this is an American writer and an American scene, so shouldn’t the third paragraph have been “The other half is skeptical.” You can likely guess my vote. As far as I can see (just this page), there’s no story in sight.
What am I missing? Your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
Spread-out situation. Characters introduced by not much more than name, so unmemorably that when Eddie is reported to be reunited with his wife (huh?), we need to scroll up to the first para to figure out that he (unnamed there) is the antecedent. More writing skill here than respect for the reader.
By an unknown writer, this book might possibly be accepted for publication in the expectation of a readership with personal or aspirational connections to Nantucket.
Agreed. Plus, I was out of breath half way through the opening sentence!
One paragraph is all I required to skip the book. Though the parenthetical element “(who, for the record, has been happily reunited with his wife)” would be the “clincher” to induce me to set the book on fire.
Elin Hilderbrand (you might have heard of her) is the queen of beach reads (that is, if you have a beach and time to read). She has also (I see) become fond of parentheses. (Those and em-dashes have become popular substitutes for old-fashioned feeling–perhaps–punctuation marks such as commas.)
Seriously, I don’t need a plot hook or an immediately likeable MC on page one, but I do hope for a compelling narrative voice. Here, Hilderbrand falls back on glitz-and-glitter to intrigue us. That worked back in the Eighties but rings flat for me today. I voted no.
See, I knew instantly who the writer was because of the setting–which I love to read about–so I would keep reading. She tells a good character story that often reminds me of the show Desperate Housewives. Also, as someone who really loves world-building and getting lost in location, I enjoy her books. She paints a very vivid picture of Nantucket. That said, every point you raised is true. An interesting question then is, do ingredients matter more than form? Love these posts, Ray. It’s fun to see which novels you choose.
I definitely got a Desperate Housewives vibe from this opening page. I don’t pick up “beach reads” often, but if I were in the mood for one, this definitely hits the mark. (Although that opening run-on sentence is questionable…)
I voted no for many of the same reasons already mentioned by you and others. I did guess the author based on her reputation for setting all her books on Nantucket. Now, I would read this book on vacation if someone gave it to me because it sounds like breezy, light entertainment. Those types of books have their place. On vacation, I like a book that I don’t mind putting down to go do other things and can later pick up for 30 minutes of quiet.
I admit I voted yes because it’s set in Nantucket, and for no other reason.
I voted no. If I were an agent and had to make a decision strictly on this one page, I’d put it aside and pick up the next manuscript. It’s clever in places, with a promise of humor, but it’s narrative summary and description without a clear central character.
Ray, getting back to your question about number, I believe that “Half of us are intrigued” can be read as a collective noun whose members are considered as individuals; thus, a plural verb is appropriate. Someone else (you?) may read the collective as a single entity and therefore require a singular verb. My source is my battered copy of Words into Type, 3rd ed, by Skillin & Gay, which, despite its 1974 copyright date, is often more reliable than Chicago and certainly more user friendly. It’s always my go-to authority for dilemmas like this one, especially when there is no one “right” answer.
I got confused with the punctuation–and I love using em-dashes (in moderation). LOL I would turn the page hoping for light summer read and assuming the book came with my Kindle Unlimited subscription.
Thanks, Anna. I didn’t look it up in Chicago but, as I understand it is the guide the the publishing industry follows, I go with it. Thanks again.
Anna, on a second reading of your comment, my question about the grammar was about the second statement that the other half are skeptical. That feels like it should be an “is” to me. I had no problem with the sentence you commented on regarding “half of us are”. Anyone care to join in?
Ray: Same principle, it seems to me. They are exactly parallel elements.
Re: the grammar point, as the second statement (the other half are skeptical) immediately follows the first, the “of us” is understood. So, in this case I would accept the use of the plural “are.” And in general, I think context would determine whether singular or plural was appropriate in other cases.
By the way, I voted no and no and no. That first paragraph sounds like a breezy travel blog and, as with the dropping of place names, there is too much of a quick info dump on the characters i… but then I don’t enjoy “beach reads.”
I voted no, primarily because the second part reads more like a synopsis than a story.
My initial reaction (and for this blog I need no other) was that this was not the start of the book. It was the dust jacket blurb, really- the tone and voice, the parenthetical information, all of it I would have expected to see on the back cover, not the first page.
Even the present tense contributes to that “blurb” feeling.
I love beach settings, but life is too short to read yet another book about rich people’s problems on Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard. A beach read doesn’t have to be the same old, same old. I see no hint in this opening that I won’t be bored. So, no.
The fact that it read like a synopsis really threw me off. I actually scrolled up to re-read the introduction to see if I was supposed to be evaluating based on back-of-novel synopsis instead of the first page today. Also not a fan of the “none of us,” “half of us” voice.
This held no appeal for me. I didn’t love the voice, don’t care for the setting or more breathless talk about rich people, and didn’t see a worthy story question. And I often appreciate beach reads.
I was fine with the “half of” grammar, but what about this sentence? “With the help of a local real estate mogul, Eddie Pancik—aka “Fast Eddie” (who, for the record, has been happily reunited with his wife)—Xavier makes the savvy decision to hire Lizbet Keaton as his general manager. Lizbet is an island sweetheart.”
Shouldn’t it be “…Xavier *made* the savvy decision…”?
I think not, Jan; “makes” is appropriate here because the whole passage so far is in present tense, including “Lizbet is an island sweetheart.” (Past tense is used appropriately in the information about Lizbet’s move to Nantucket, occurring some time earlier.)
Interesting mix of positive & negative comments! What I dislike about genre novels generally is that they seem so predictable from page one. I am not a plot-oriented reader, but I don’t want a story to be too easy to figure out from the get-go.
I’m guessing Xavier Darling will ultimately win the heart of Lizbet Keaton, in spite of his ridiculous name, after a painful struggle with his pride and her prejudice. They will bring out the best in each other, finally, after bringing out the worst in each other for a couple of hundred pages. Likewise, the old hotel will be successfully renovated and reopened, but ultimately it will follow Lizbet’s cozy, friendly, historically appropriate ambiance than Xavier’s cool, efficient, moderne vision. Eddie’s wife will leave him — again! — and then, after Eddie learns his lesson, she will return –again — and they will live happily, though quarrelsomely (in a humorous way) ever after. I don’t know if this is Elin Hilderbrand’s plot, but if my summary has strayed too far, please reimburse her my thirty cents.
But seriously — it really doesn’t matter whether or not we like this opening. Hilderbrand, once again, has written a bestseller. Readers just like her books. Whether it’s because of Nantucket, or the characters, or whatever — readers love her.
I enjoy this exercise. I read it every week. But what am I to learn from it?
I stopped reading by the third paragraph. It was a no for me.
A “beach read,” you say? Lots of things wash up on beaches. Pretty shells, now and then. But much of the flotsam is wet, yucky, dead things. It’s in this group that (the first page of) this text falls. The beach on which this rolls up is not one I’d walk in bare feet. Lotd knows, this text might well drain me of the will to live.
“A ‘beach read,’ you say? Lots of things wash up on beaches. Pretty shells, now and then. But much of the flotsam is wet, yucky, dead things.”
Heh. When I single-handed to Hawai’i in a cutter-rigged sloop I tossed a copy of THE CHAMBER overboard about 980 miles from Hilo. I hope the wet, yucky, dead thing never made it to shore. I wrote an apology to Poseidon on the first page.
I voted “yes” because I love real estate stories … but in my heart I knew I would never be able to stick with that voice for more than a dozen or so pages.
I’m always on the lookout for another book like my favorite real-estate themed book “The Good House” by Ann Leary. It’s set in a fictional town along the Massachusetts coast. Now that book’s opening pages really pulled me in. The Audible version read by actress Mary Beth Hurt is a must-listen.
BTW didn’t the Hotel Nantucket just burn down a week or two ago?
The place for this is in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of you on a flight to Buffalo. I voted no.
I’m in the minority, but I enjoyed these first few lines. I got the feeling that the story isn’t about the speaker. Maybe the protagonist is Xavier (and I’m already wondering if he can pull off this renovation), and Liz and Fast Eddie are significant characters, maybe even antagonists. We may never know the speaker’s name until 80 percent into the book. It would be like Fried Green Tomatoes in that respect.
I have a different perspective. First, this is the distinctive voice of Elin Hilderbrand, and she’s once again used the people of Nantucket as a group narrator. Second, and it’s just my two cents, I suspect this opening is aimed at her fan base. I’ve only read a few of her books, but dropping these particular character names signals she’s going to tie up loose ends with them in what she has announced is her final book.
The first paragraph made me think I was reading a travel article, with its trying-too-hard, not-especially-fresh description of a popular tourist destination.
I didn’t care for the first-person plural, present tense narration. The parentheses were annoying.
Most important, there was nothing to grab hold of in terms of plot or character. So this one is a no for me.