Flog a Pro: Would You Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | February 17, 2022 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good-enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
How strong is the opening page of this novel—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
The decision to kill herself brought her peace. Everything would be quiet and warm and soft. She could sleep, just sleep forever. Never again would she hide in the dark when the landlord banged on the door for the rent she couldn’t pay.
Or climb out a window again, to take off. Again.
She wouldn’t have to give blow jobs to some sweaty john to buy food. Or the pills, the pills she needed more than food.
The pills that made everything quiet, even the pain.
Maybe she’d even go to heaven, like it looked in the books in Bible study where everything was fluffy white clouds and golden light and everyone smiled.
Maybe she’d go to hell, with all the fire and the screaming and eternal damnation. Taking a life, even your own, was a big sin according to the Reverend Horace Greenspan, the recipient of her first BJ—payment and penance when he’d caught her lip-locked with Wayne Kyle Ribbet, and Wayne Kyle’s hand under her shirt.
The experience had taught her, at age twelve, it was better to receive than give payment for such tedious services.
Still, suicide ranked as a bigger sin than blowing some grunting asshole for traveling money or a handful of Oxy. So maybe she’d go to hell.
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Kindle users can request a sample sent to their devices, and I’ve found this to be a great way to evaluate a narrative that is borderline on the first page and see if it’s worth my coin.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for February 27, 2022. Were the opening pages of the first chapter of Abandoned in Death by J.D. Robb compelling?
My vote: Yes.
This book received 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. For me, this was strong stuff. Fine writing and voice. A woman in deep emotional trouble. Suicide is a tough subject to read about, especially if you’ve known someone who has gone that way as I have. This does have a fair amount of backstory in it, and there was something later on that I think would have vastly increased the read-power of this opening.
It turns out that her five-year-old little boy is in a car seat in the back. I’d have traded Wayne Kyle Ribbet’s blowjob for including that little fact in the opening. Then the story questions go from what will happen to this woman to what will happen to an innocent little boy. Your thoughts?
(Poll)
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
[coffee]
I voted no. Several things bothered me. First, the thought patterns didn’t ring true. People don’t decide to kill themselves because they can’t pay the rent and are tired of giving blowjobs. Maybe others think they should kill themselves in those cases, but I don’t think that’s the thing she would be thinking of. Suicide is more seductive – a strong feeling. There’s nothing else in the room with suicide.
Second, the strong religious comments turned me off. I figured if they were in the opening they would be throughout the book in some character or another.
Third, it all felt predictable and flat. I felt no emotional connection. I was not surprised when I saw the pen name. I’ve felt the same with any Nora Roberts/J.D.Robb I’ve tried to read. The only thing that ever intrigues me in her writing is wondering why so many people enjoy it.
Funny, I had the opposite reaction: I was shocked to see Nora Roberts/JD Robb as the reveal. I’ve read my fair share of Nora Roberts titles in the late 90s and the 2000s, and I thought they were all a LOT better than this, wow. I mean, are her romances formulaic? Yes, of course. Literally it’s required by the genre haha. But, at least the ones I’ve read, were not so… indulgently and pointlessly sensationalist as this? (That’s not quite the right word for what this first page/premise is, but it’s the only one my brain can find at the moment.) On the other hand, I’ve only ever read maybe 1 or 2 JD Robb books and couldn’t quite get into them the same way, so I guess this side of her writing just is not for me.
I completely agree with Ada Austen. Her thoughts were all over the place. I understand fractured emotions, but I honestly don’t think if she were still seriously considering this option, she would be analyzing her life. She would be weighing the pros and cons of her next choice. There’s no cohesive theme there. That’s just me.
My no was purely subjective. It was “decent” writing in a technical sense, but the subject matter comes from a place I never care to revisit. So I simply avoid it.
Voted no.
The protagonist doesn’t sound suicidal, she sounds bored.
I agree with Ada Austen.
She has no self worth, feels sorry for herself because of her past. She is looking for attention. Her comparisons to suicide are not strong or believable. I’m not sure one would contemplate all the reasons if you are really feeling want to die—maybe at first.
This story should be about self worth and pain from her past. I would give it a three.
I voted no for so many reasons I can’t list them all. My main reaction was that the author (yes, I know the author is famous) knew that authors may intrigue an editor or reader by throwing in anything provocative they can think of on the first page, even if it’s not necessarily accurate, appealing, or possible. Given the sales it must work, but I still vote no thank you.
No for me. I didn’t emotionally connect with the character, and the writing felt flat.
I vote no. I didn’t believe the POV character’s suicidal intentions. I thought either the author didn’t know how someone who is suicidal would think, or that the protagonist was an unreliable narrator. Also, it felt like a really lazy first line device to grab the reader’s (or agent’s or editor’s) attention if it wasn’t going to be expertly backed up so that the reader felt the trauma that the character would be feeling. I felt no emotion for this character. Perhaps that’s the downside of creating a tragic scenario on the first page before we have a chance to invest in this protagonist. Though we’ve all read books that accomplish it nevertheless.
I vote No. Suicide gets you a pass into Hell. The writing was strong, however the sequence was off. There wasn’t any background of her life in the pits, so I could care about her. I was shaking my head at the blurting out of how she was surviving and how she wanted quiet. So what’s new. An addict’s life pretty much runs like that. Give me more to spark a little empathy. 📚🎶 Christine
I voted no. I’ve been down the suicide trail after my daughter died. None of the three times I tried, did I have all these rolling thoughts of everything people had done to me, and people had done a lot of things in that terrible time.
I was just tired of the nightmares. I was exhausted. I was tired of feeling guilty for her loss and wanted it to end.
Now, I realize everyone’s experience is difference, but I’ve spoken to a lot of vets with ptsd, and I visit with a woman who has a vet outreach program, and did a story on Billy Jack Barrett who has a remarkable horse program for wounded warriors who are at the end of the line and haven’t found help anywhere else. I also lost a writer friend to this. The attempt, or success, usually comes at a particularly dark moment and they just give in and stop fighting.
The writing is fine. Unfortunately, I am kind of picky and I need more than fine. It didn’t really draw me in and the subject matter would depress me.
Although I thought the opening line was great, I voted no. So tired of the “bad preacher” trope. Also, now that I know her child was in the car, I’m even less impressed. I want a character I can root for, not one who depresses me.
Greta,
I agree. That turned me off also. I’m so very tired of the “bad Preacher” stuff. I know they are out there, but you would think they all are according to books and tv.. Plus, she has a child right there and she’s going to commit suicide? What the heck?
I’m agreeing with Ada and Suzie here. No connection at all. And subjectively, enough misery and darkness already.
I voted yes for the story question if nothing else. The stakes are high. I would need more from the “look inside” to see if I can expect more depth and connect to the character. If not, I stop there.
Some fair points above. I think this touches on the whole write to market debate. It’s profitable. Most people like vanilla ice cream and consume large quantities. Pistachio has more depth of flavor and a smaller base of super fans. It’s also harder to find in the store.
Fair or not, your first page doesn’t need to be your best page when you have an established fan base.
I voted no because it didn’t work for me, either. It didn’t feel like anything close to suicidal thinking, more like boredom with life. And I really don’t want to read about characters who depress me.
Ray, as it stands, I voted NO. I didn’t care enough about the protagonist—an addict. And a suicide gets you a ticket to Hell. There’s no Heaven. Even though the writing was strong, the protagonist’s life in the pits was not new. Now, if I had known about the 5-year old in the back seat, well, I would have cared about what she was doing. Not only to get money for food & shelter for the kid, but mostly how her attempts to survive effect the child. That’s a different scenario. 📚🎶 Christine
I was a rare, close “yes” for one reason and I KNOW I’m going to be disappointed. But the line “Or climb out a window again, to take off. Again.” Completely bamboozled me. I know someone can “take off” as in “sneak out” but to me, so early in the story, it suggested that this suicidal person might actually be super-powered. As in “take off”, you know?
This is an interesting example. The Author’s name and the title __________ in Death, says that it is the latest story in the Eve Dallas detective series before you even open the book. I think there are over twenty. In this genre it is common to start with a snapshot of the villain or victim on the first couple of pages, before moving into the story, which holds true here. The beginning doesn’t introduce the protagonist. So do you think it is as important to be able to relate to the character in the same way as we do when a protagonist is introduced on the first page?
I think that’s a great point and probably would have impacted my feelings about this first page, had I known ahead of time. (Although the In Death series is not my cup of tea. I just might have judged it differently.)
My vote is no based on the first sentence and without knowing who the author was. There’s just way too much fiction these days about suicides. And way too many TV episodes about this subject. Much of it feels romanticized or even almost glorified in a way I find distressing and disturbing. I will no longer read about this subject in fiction at all. I didn’t read the rest of the excerpt. It’s just no.
At the risk of piling on, I also voted no, for the same reasons cited above. The writing was flat and formulaic, relying on tropes and cliches, and didn’t convey a sense of desperation. I’ve read a lot better.
Nope. Every element of this felt contrived. It was like a teenager wrote it, thinking that talk of blow jobs and the aforementioned done-to-death “bad preacher” trope was edgy.
I voted no, because as soon as it mentioned the Bible and a preacher, I’m out. Too many suicide premises? Also, too many “bad preacher/religious figure” premises.
I voted No. The set-up was tired and stale–too many tropes and stereotypes–and I felt trapped in the head of a character whose thoughts were entirely unconvincing.