Flog a Pro: Would You Pay to Turn the First Page of this Bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | August 19, 2021 |
Today’s flogging is the 100th Flog a Pro post.
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for August 22, 2021. How strong is the opening page—would it, all on its own, hook an agent if it was submitted by an unpublished writer?
Billy Summers sits in the hotel lobby, waiting for his ride. It’s Friday noon. Although he’s reading a digest-sized comic book called Archie’s Pals ’n’ Gals, he’s thinking about Émile Zola, and Zola’s third novel, his breakthrough, Thérèse Raquin. He’s thinking it’s very much a young man’s book. He’s thinking that Zola was just beginning to mine what would turn out to be a deep and fabulous vein of ore. He’s thinking that Zola was— is— the nightmare version of Charles Dickens. He’s thinking that would make a good thesis for an essay. Not that he’s ever written one.
At two minutes past twelve the door opens and two men come into the lobby. One is tall with black hair combed in a 50s pompadour. The other is short and bespectacled. Both are wearing suits. All of Nick’s men wear suits. Billy knows the tall one from out west. He’s been with Nick a long time. His name is Frank Macintosh. Because of the pomp, some of Nick’s men call him Frankie Elvis, or— now that he has a tiny bald spot in back— Solar Elvis. But not to his face. Billy doesn’t know the other one. He must be local.
Macintosh holds out his hand. Billy rises and shakes it.
“Hey, Billy, been awhile. Good to see you.”
“Good to see you too, Frank.”
“This is Paulie Logan.”
Loading ...You can turn the page and read more here. Was the opening page of Billy SUmmers by Stephen King compelling?
My vote: Nope.
This book received 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. What is here to interest you in the story this page introduces? It’s not a hint of a story to come. It’s not a particularly likeable character. It’s not a story question of any kind. It’s not jeopardy for the protagonist.
What happens here? A character ruminates about a writer and book (that I’ve not heard of), sees someone he knows enter the restaurant, and is introduced to the man’s companion. That’s it. Not a hint that Billy is a hit man, one of the best. Not a hint that he’s being hired to kill another hit man. Not much of anything.
Lordy, I wish bestselling writers such as Stephen King would use their enormous talents to get a story going where the book opens. I doubt this opening page would get many page-turns by agents. As agent Janet Reid says, story is what she’s looking for and hoping to find. I don’t think she would find it in a query that offers this as narrative worth her time. Your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see here the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill, and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
There’s absolutely nothing to engage the reader here. Those who know and enjoy Stephen King’s books will, I guess, read on regardless.
There has to be a better way to introduce a hit man who reads Literature with a capital L. (Billy is reading an assassination scene from a classic novel and is knowedgeable enough about killing to spot flaws. He’s engrossed in this when he realises he is no longer alone.)
Too bad you left in the first two words of the first paragraph. I knew already it was Stephen King, and I don’t read King so no, I wouldn’t pay to read more – not my genre. Even so… seems pretty dull, but I’m guessing fans wouldn’t care.
I voted yes.
I was immediately intrigued by the contrast of someone holding an Archies comic while critiquing a Zola novel, and not even Zola’s most famous titles, but one more obscure. This told me that Billy, whatever his age, is intelligent and I’m wondering why he is holding the comic book. Then he contrasts Zola with Dickens. I’m impressed again. Billy is definitely smart and well-read, but he’s never had to write a thesis – so is he self-educated?
The next paragraph introduces Nick’s men. I see it as some Wiseguys meeting in a lobby and Billy is a part of this mobster network. This tells me why he’s holding an Archie comic – he has to hide his intelligence.
Uh oh. The man is very smart, he’s working for some type of mobster and self-educated, which means there are bound to be some false beliefs, maybe some very distorted ideas in his head. Should be a good read.
I was surprised it was Stephen King. I rarely read him. I have heard the pre-release publicity on this novel. I think his fans would already have a good idea of the story’s premise before they started to read, so they don’t need to get the Zola reference. But I’m impressed it was there. I think it sets the story up well.
I believe that Stephen King and other mega-successful authors get more of a pass, of course, just like mega-hit pop stars do.
That said, he could have added one-half of a line like ‘the man he was going to kill after lunch’ and that would have gotten my Yes.
I admit that the first paragraph was a downer. I’ve heard of Zola, that’s about all. So, there’s nothing compelling in the first paragraph. But, I knew immediately when I read “All of Nick’s men wear suits” that is was a mob job story.
At that point, I would want to know just how the author was going to tie Emile Zola to a modern-day mob. (What else with guys named “Paulie”?)
Ray, I’m thinking you need to give us a little more than the first 17 lines. I also really didn’t want to vote for “Sure, I can hardly wait” to more like “I’m intrigued enough to turn the page” because that’s what it’s really all about. I’ve been in enough bookstores or read the first few pages from Amazon.
Lynn, I provide just the “first” page because I’ve come across many agents and editors who say they can and do judge a manuscript based on the first page. It’s a hurdle unagented writers have to clear, so I think it’s a fair test of published authors.
I chose no, but that wasn’t exactly the truth. I probably would have turned the page and skimmed ahead a little (if I wasn’t paying for the option, of course) but if it didn’t pick up quickly I would have set the book down. I definitely didn’t find the opening compelling. When I saw that it was Stephen King, it made sense, because his openings are often kind of slow and meandering. He sets the stage before heading into the action. Although, I have to admit, this was sloooow, even for him!
The writing is so confident and crisp that I’d be happy to read on. The Solar Elvis bit adds just enough menace that I suspect these are dangerous people, and that Billy is a dreamer who wants to be something he’s not, and that Billy and the other guys are going to have a serious falling out.
I do think readers give “name” writers a few extra pages to get going, and that’s not a problem for me. The object is to capture attention (story and character) in the first burst of reading. For an unknown author, that’s the first page or so. But proven writers get a bit more room to enter a story with grace rather than a bang.
I didn’t know this was Stephen King (I don’t normally read him), but it was clear the author knew how to write, and that alone would have bought a few more pages.
100 floggings? Congratulations Ray, and thanks for the stimulating beatings!
OK, that escalated quickly…
Unfortunately by the first two words I knew whose book this was, and so I felt like I was cheating. This isn’t a writer I usually connect with.
That said, the lack of an inciting incident didn’t bother me. I like a slow build way more than the “drop into action” custom. The character’s voice, however, seemed false. ‘He’s thinking it’s very much a young man’s book’ doesn’t seem like anything anyone would actually think. That distance plus all the arbitrary details and short sentences made it hard to get through.
First of all, congrats on your flogcentennial! (Hey, it might be a word.) I always enjoy your floggings. Wait – that sounded weird…
Anyhoo… I actually voted a grudging “yes” for this. Mostly because the kind of characters he’s introducing are interesting to me – in spite of there not being an iota of conflict in this opening, as multiple commenters have noted.
But reading through the comments above, it was Brent Salish who nailed the main reason for my vote: This is very confident writing, which is another thing that appeals to me. So between the colorful cast and the verbal confidence, I’m in for at least a page or two more.
I didn’t spot it as King, and I dislike present tense in narratives. Nevertheless, I voted yes (despite the “hardly wait” — well yes, I can wait) because Billy is obviously a conflicted character (the comic book vs. thoughts about Zola) and seemingly well read (Zola’s publication history) — enough so to stream his consciousness into Dickens — but never having put this knowledge into practice (not one written essay in his past). So the gap between unformed aspirations and reality is all there, contributing to a vague air of menace.
Along come two menacing thugs. Right on cue. Now what? I’d like to find out,
Ray, congrats to you on your floggversary. I thought there were too many characters introduced. I had to read it over to figure it out. Did not guess it was King’s book, but I don’t read his books, so there was no preconceived idea of how he begins stories. I would not have bought the book. Thanks for all of your informative posts. 📚🎶 Christine
I had no idea this was Stephen King, so that didn’t influence me. I was intrigued by the voice, the characters, the mystery of what might happen and the specificity of the details. Then I got to the flat, boring lines of dialogue and that lost me. Vote: no.
I sort of lost my taste for Stephen King’s stuff after The Langoliers, but I still loved the first page and would definitely read on. The writing perfectly evoked in me a sense of sitting in another chair in the lobby and watching everything go down, and my opinion of Billy changed at least two times, if not three, in that excerpt. And it was very confident I thought. It sort of dragged me along whether I wanted to go or not.
No wonder the guy’s a bazillionaire!
Thanks for 100 Flogs, Ray!
As much as I like Stephen King, this opening did not impress or engage me as a reader.
Late to the party as usual. I voted “yes” because I recognized, as others here did, that the writer knew what he or she was doing. More important was the “feeling” of the opening. I heard echos of Elmore Leonard, James Elroy, Jonathan Lethem (Motherless Brooklyn), and even Lawrence Block. Maybe Robert B. Parker. This seemed a bit clunky, but I love this stuff.
I know a newbie can’t get away with slow openings, which is a damn shame, but if this did fly in over the transom, I would turn a few pages.
A deadly dull opening, and written in a choppy prose style that, to my ear, sounded like the continual clang of a hammer. If King (whom I’ve never read) is a such a talented writer, why did he make the most valuable real estate in a novel (the opening page) about as interesting as an empty lot?