Losing My Ambition
By Lisa Janice Cohen | April 29, 2021 |
*Apologies to REM and to all of you for the earworm.
Sometime last winter, early in the days of the pandemic, I had a conversation with one of my oldest and dearest friends about how I was no longer ambitious about anything. It was a strange concept to be exploring and I couldn’t articulate all that I was feeling, but this I knew: I was exhausted. Something had to change. I was done with endless striving. Everything in my life had been pressure-driven, from excelling in college and graduate school, to succeeding in my profession as a physical therapist, to working to create and sustain a family, to fulfilling my dream of being a published author.
Imagine a road lined with mile markers; each one needing to be reached, counted, and passed, only to see the next one and the next one and the next one up ahead. Ambition can be the driving force of so much accomplishment. But it is also never satisfied. It had me convinced that there was a specific destination somewhere up ahead, a place those mile markers finally led to. I’m not sure what that place would look like, but I knew I’d recognize it when I got there.
Spoiler alert: there is no such place. It’s called a vanishing point for a reason.
My writing community knows I’ve been stalled on a new novel for several years now. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without finishing a work-in-progress since I began writing novels in 2004. I kept leaning into my long-ingrained habits and discipline. The words didn’t flow. I tried harder. I’ve let this project sit while working on other writing. Got a huge white board to diagram the story. Tried scene cards. Outlines. Freewriting. I’ve even been working with several zoom-based writing groups, exploring craft books, discussing process and doing writing exercises. And while I have poked away at the narrative all this time, I’ve made very little progress, despite believing in the story and the characters in it.
Ambition got me to where I had written thirteen novels in fourteen years and published eight of them over six years. Sure, ambition and its companions – sheer, unremitting stubbornness – can take you pretty far. But it comes with a price.
I’ve written before about how I haven’t been able to complete this story and while I’m frustrated, I haven’t been distressed. I think I finally understand why and it isn’t only what may seem obvious on the surface: that the sense of containing a universe in my head eluded me because there was far too much background noise, not to mention the anxiety brought to a fever pitch (pun intended!) by the pandemic.
The deeper answer came easily and fluently in a recent conversation with that same friend I talked about earlier. In this conversation, she confessed that when I had told her I was no longer ambitious, it didn’t square with how she saw me and she had been trying to sort it out ever since. And this was my reply:
I want a life filled with purpose, not ambition.
During the past year while I have spent most of my time on our farm, I have found purpose in weeding and harvesting the gardens. In stacking wood for winter. In baking bread. In designing and creating ceramics. And yes, even in words. That sense of purpose is as strong and as satisfying when I put-by vegetables as it is in working on my novel. Both are important. Both are essential because they help give my days meaning. But in focusing on ‘chop wood, carry water’ I was able to look at everything I was doing as creative work, which fundamentally changed my perception of what living a creative life means for me and cracked open the answer as to why my writing had been blocked.
To me, feeling filled with purpose means being fully present and authentic in all that I do without the grinding pressure of fulfilling expectations – internal or external.
It also helps me see my writing as just a part of my full life, not the only way to value myself or be valuable to others. Now I can return to the work of words in a joyful, playful way, rather than castigate myself for being lazy or unmotivated. And because of this, the story that had eluded me is revealing itself.
Not ambition. Purpose.
It wasn’t enough to know what I didn’t want. Now I understand what I crave and need.
It is both freeing and, if I’m being honest, more than a little terrifying. Before this, I’ve always had a map and a route to follow, even if the journey wasn’t easy. Suddenly it feels as if I’ve pulled off an unmarked exit and am bumping down a gravel road to an uncertain destination.
But, oh, what I’m learning to experience and enjoy along the way!
How about you, WUers? Have you ever felt as though you lost your ambition? Or just plain exhausted by it? Do you also find a difference between purpose and ambition? Do you find the concept of letting go of ambition frightening?
LJ Cohen is a novelist, poet, fiber artist, potter, and relentless optimist. After almost twenty-five years as a physical therapist, LJ now uses real clinical skills to injure fictional characters. Find LJ at her writing website and blog or digging in the dirt at StarField Farm.
I LOVE this, LJ!
I’ve been exploring the concept of purpose a lot this past year, too. Defining “success” for yourself, in ways that may not make sense to observers, is an act of courage and self-compassion, and, I think, the path to a happy life.
Thank you, Julie. I feel like I circle back to this theme every few years and rather than feel like I’m stuck, I’d like to believe that I’m learning and growing, so my answers will change in the process.
This is EXACTLY what I needed today. Thank you!
Love the distinction between ambition and purpose. It seems to me that the former is all about oneself, while the latter is about contribution and participation in a wider realm.
I don’t think they need to be mutually exclusive, however, though at times it can seem so. I would say that I have both, in varying proportions at different times. Sometimes I hate my own ambition and see it as the ugly egoistic side of purpose—yet it can be the doorway. Through an act of self-promotion, I might reach someone who needs what I’m offering. That’s happened more than once and feels like such a gift.
Thank you for writing about a topic I wrestle with …
Wrestling is a great way to put this! I am constantly working to figure out who I am and who I wish to be.
Thank you!
Heart beat, music, chopping wood, writing, gardening — without rhythm there is no life. Growth needs rhythm.
I don’t think our modern culture remembers the beauty of a fallow field. But there’s wisdom and power in it. “Just pour fertilizer on it and make it produce the same thing again” does not work for long in creative work.
I admire your courage in saying so.
Yes! We are not creativity machines! Exactly. And to add yet another farming analogy – if you want to harvest fruit from the trees, you need to prune the branches. Thank you.
Lloyd, what a gorgeous metaphor. I’ve always felt that writing is a kind of music and I suppose life is, too. Your comment here felt like a little gift I needed today. Thank you.
Love this SO MUCH, LJ. I’ve also found that when the path was “clear”, I could rely on ambition and sheer grit to get me through. Finish line, here we come. But writing has never fit that mold. So frustrating! No matter how I’ve poked, prodded, and punished, my writing and story creation refuses to be defined as anything other than soul deep purpose. I think it’s taken accepting who I am as a writer and creative being to finally (stubbornly and reluctantly) accept that truth. And isn’t that the beauty of it – when we finally open our eyes and accept ourselves fully, what works for us simply works. I WISH ambition and drive did it for me – but it doesn’t. I watch in awe as other writers find that ambition space and flourish. It’s the exact driver they need.
I haven’t had much in the tank for writing and story creation over the last few months, but I’ve taken up flower arranging. While doing a bouquet the other day I realized that creativity is simply apart of who we are. Whether I’m writing or arranging daisies in a vase, I’m knee deep in creativity, completely immersed in what I’m doing. Oh what an incredible revelation. It also gave me hope for the future. You and I have both gone off-road, without a map. Here’s to a wholly creative existence.
I will take a road trip into the unknown with you anytime, my friend! Ooh, flower arranging! That seems such a lovely and meditative practice. And anything that allows us to reach that flow state is part of what we need to be creative.
Thinking of you.
This past year while I saw other freelance content marketing writers find new clients and increase their income mine went down the tubes even though I was acquiring new skills. It finally occurred to me, I don’t want to freelance anymore. The ambition to be a solopreneur doesn’t hold any attraction any more.
I want a position with an organization that shares the same my values. It has to have a purpose and not solely about increasing profits for shareholders, but for doing good.
So while I search, I write, upgrade my skills or learn new ones, and do a lot of self-care.
I hope you find that purpose. The older I get, the more purpose drives my choices. I wonder if some of this is a function of seeing our lives in a different context as we mature. Thank you.
I really needed to hear this. I’ve been struggling with similar issues. For years I pushed myself, setting goals and always looking for the next marker. Then last year I lost the distraction of the day job, and tried to see it as a positive not a negative. Time to write! No distractions! And then, pffffttt. No words. Just a sense of time passing and a panicked sense of loss of direction. I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to write. I started lots of things that just fizzled out. Yesterday I woke up with sense of dread at having to face the blank screen again and took refuge in the garden. I woke with a clearer head (and less dread) but that experience and your post are great reminders that it’s impossible to be productive when the goal is productivity (ambition), not the desire to work on and complete a specific project (purpose).
Thank you. I’m so glad this spoke to you as well. And yes, there is something so healing about working in a garden. Even if weeding is the devil’s work!
Thank you so much! This is exactly where I’ve been at the last while, and exactly what I needed to hear!
Thank you! So glad this resonated with you!
Needed this. Thanks. 🙂
Thank you! Writing it helped me understand how much I did too!
I live in Italy, and Italy is a terrible place to be if you have a shred of ambition. And yet the people here lead, taken on the aggregate, happy, purposeful lives.
As an American, ambition is a stench you can never completely get rid of. It’s bred into us by capitalism. For me, it has been especially poisonous. I make a distinction between ambition and drive. Drive is a well-tuned engine; ambition is red of claw and fang.
Now, I recognize the odor long before ambition enters the room. And I remind myself: I’m entitled to the labor, but not the fruits of that labor. In other words, I either immerse myself in the process without hope of reward, or I can choose to be very unhappy.
It sounds as though you need this time, beautiful as it is, to rediscover who you are without the “identity” as a writer. That’s commendable. I have musician friends who embarked on an odyssey of self-discovery in an attempt to learn who they were without the instrument.
My guess is you will return strong than before—and different than before. Brava.
Oh, I really love this: “Drive is a well-tuned engine; ambition is red of claw and fang.”
Thank you!
“As an American, ambition is a stench you can never completely get rid of. It’s bred into us by capitalism. For me, it has been especially poisonous. I make a distinction between ambition and drive. Drive is a well-tuned engine; ambition is red of claw and fang.”
Well now that’s brilliant. (And true.) Thank you.
“I want a life filled with purpose, not ambition.”
This says it all. Thank you. My husband and I were just discussing this, how easily we make idols of our goals but for what purpose? I always want to accomplish more, be more fit, be a better writer, singer, etc. and I recognize how much of it is pride and vanity. Sigh.
This morning’s Mass brought a gentle reminder: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
There is freedom in breathing out and letting go, let in God.
“How easily we make idols of our goals.” Yes.
Thank you!
Thank you for your words. I’ve had a had fall and winter – eye surgery, anxiety, panic disorder, depression. No thoughts…or barely any of creativity or focus. I’m starting ccx to come back and have a new book coming out. I love art, embroidery, gardening, photography. I guess my creativity replaced my writing fo awhile.
That sounds like a rough year. I am glad you are healing, body and soul.
I’m with you 100%. I do not have trouble writing, though, because after twenty books (written under other names) I do not undertake a new project unless I have something to say, a purpose.
I long ago fulfilled my dream of being published by big publishers. I am glad of that and will do so again. I worked with many smart, passionate people. However, I learned that publication by itself is an empty goal. Writing to the market doesn’t even bring success. For readers, something is missing.
That missing thing is what matters in a story. I’m not talking about being topical or speaking for my group. (Dutch heritage? Please.) For me, it’s finding what a story has to say about the human experience that is important and which hasn’t been said in a particular way before. For instance, I’ve just started a new project and it has gained traction as I’ve clarified what the story is saying, which is that the most important things that happen to us are our mistakes.
BTW, have you run across Carin Rockind, the “Purpose Girl”? (carinrockind.com) She’s got a program for finding purpose and enacting it. Good post, one that’s obviously resonating with many of us.
Thank you. I will look for her work!
I couldn’t agree more. For most of my life, purpose got in the way of my ambition. No matter my intent or the amount of energy I threw behind what I was doing, if deep within I wasn’t finding purpose, it fizzled. Writing without purpose was a lot of empty words. Then, I opened myself, I infused my writing with honesty and purpose came to life.
It required understanding that, for me, ambition alone was a capitalistic vow associated with acquisition. Purpose is that unspoken inner vow, the desire to achieve a result for the sake of meaning first. I wish for you the best as you realign, as you step off that circular highway of mile markers and explore where your heart takes you.
Thank you! We’re taught to strive all our lives and so many of the goals we reach for are meaningless without that core purpose.
I have also recently entered a “non ambitious” phase of life. The book I was illustrating, and which was 75% completed, was cancelled last Spring as my publisher was figuring out how to deal with the changing realities of COVID. After that it felt like I lost my drive. But I discovered it was ok to do projects just for the enjoyment, and not for clients, for a bit, and to put my energies into just living life. Your post is a great reminder that everything we do to support our lives and those people and things in it are productive, not just meeting deadlines, etc. Thank you for that!
Thank you! I am reminded of the old saying that reminds us we are human beings, not human doings.
I love *not ambition, but purpose*
I, too, have been through most of the pandemic, unable to concentrate on my writing.
I turned to flowerbeds. Planting, growing and snipping into bouquets some of the beautiful results. I’ve also started baking. And ever so gently, these other creative pursuits have led me back to a new WIP, basically the same place I started, but different, changed because the past year has changed me.
I realize looking back pre-pandemic, I had a list of things that would lead to happiness and fulfillment. They all involved ambition and hard work. Ambition is just one flower from the root of purpose. It’s not whole without a bouquet of other flowers.
Thanks for this post, Lisa. Blessed be your journey.
That is a beautiful analogy, Bernadette! Thank you. May your flowers bloom, always.
I hate to use a cliche here but I feel so “seen” by this post, LJ. I’ve had this feeling the last couple of years but couldn’t put a name on it. Now I know what it is! I think the reason I’ve been seemingly losing ambition is because I’m craving purpose – a deeper reason for doing what I’m doing at work, with writing, in life. This is such a great way to think about the journey. Oftentimes when goals are reached we wonder is this all there is, or quickly shift focus onto the next thing to just check it off a list. If we think about being purpose-driven instead I think that probably leads to more satisfaction and a greater sense of accomplishment. Thanks for sharing!
That is the paradox, right? If we find deeper purpose, we are often more productive. Or at the very least, those things we do are infused with a greater sense of satisfaction then the things we pursue from the pressures of ambition.
Thank you for your comment.
Wow! So much writer-life wisdom packed into this piece and the following comments…love it! I think purpose provides long-term sustenance for the soul, which is ultimately what makes each of us, and our creative strivings, unique. Ambition might just be the little engine we need that pushes us to get the job done, whatever that might be. Recognizing purpose and putting it at the center of everything we do is such a gift, especially when we’re lucky enough to be able to share it.
Yes! And when I’m around other people who are also purpose driven, it helps me be my most authentic self!
I just read this piece and all the comments. It’s 4 am and I am awake again. This resonates so much. I have been stalled on my writing for months and these questions are at the heart of ot.
I seem to be in such good company. Sigh. May your find your purpose and reignite your joy in writing. {{{{hugs}}}}
You just described me exactly. I’ve been terribly unmotivated lately for exactly the reason you described — no sense of purpose. Thanks for giving me fresh insight.
Unmotivated is one of those value judgement words, like lazy, that should be reserved for cats lounging in a puddle of sunlight.
To me, that sense of being ‘unmotivated’ is a sign that my intentions aren’t aligned with my purpose. And burn-out for creative folks is a reality. So be gentle with yourself!
I’m so glad I stopped to read all of these comments instead of just deleting this post. I was going through my tons of email, deleting so much “stuff’ that doesn’t help me at all. Thanks to all of you who have written. I was wondering if I could ever again be happy writing like when I first started. Maybe it’s time for me to do some other creative thing for a while. Then write about what resonates with me instead of trying to keep the market in mind. Thanks for the insights all. You’ve made my day and I’ll face it with a new purpose now.
{{{hugs}}} May you find your purpose and the joy in your creativity.
I’m tired right now, so it’s hard for me to articulate anything. I’ve never been good about ambition, which is why I feel embarrassed when I tell people have had the exact same job for years. Why haven’t I climbed higher? I just like making things and writing stories. But I also like paying the bills, and I’m at the point now where I wish I could work more on ambition. But even that doesn’t capture my feelings right now. My ambition, so-called, is quite scattered shot. Or maybe I mean I have been ambitious but not particularly successful.
There’s definitely something wrong with society when we question our satisfaction, thinking we aren’t striving enough. Sigh. And hugs.
When I read the title of this article I had to read it and after I did, I had the feeling you had somehow rooted through my brain.
I published Book 6 in October of 2019 (one book a year). I was fried. Burned-out. I needed a breather, some time to wind down. And then the pandemic hit.
I struggled with Book 7 over the last eighteen months and it’s nearly finished, but I haven’t been able to find the motivation to “git ‘er dun”.
Then one day I broke down. I felt like a failure and guilty as heck for letting my readers down. I turned off all social media. Stopped posting. Stopped agonizing over making a “presence.” My husband has always supported my writing, but when he suggested I needed to focus on what makes me happy and enjoy retirement for awhile, I would eventually find the balance and purpose I was lacking. He said he really enjoyed having me around these past months (I write in my She-Shed away from the house), enjoyed watching me in the kitchen, or watching me piddle in the garden. He said his heart was light because I was smiling again.
He’s a pretty smart retired teacher.
The writing will come eventually, but even if it doesn’t, my husband assured me I’d done something millions of people could never do–write and publish a book.
I have “purpose” now. My purpose is to be okay with being me and not pushing myself over the edge to please others. When I take up the keyboard again, it will be for the love of writing and not for any other reason or for anyone else and tell a story that needs to be told.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Thanks for this article. I surely hit home for me.
“I have “purpose” now. My purpose is to be okay with being me and not pushing myself over the edge to please others.”
Oh, yes. So much truth here! It’s nice to know I’m in such good company. Thank you.
“It also helps me see my writing as just a part of my full life, not the only way to value myself or be valuable to others. Now I can return to the work of words in a joyful, playful way, rather than castigate myself for being lazy or unmotivated.”
So well-said, and a familiar journey for me. Over the past 5-ish years (since I signed with an agent for a manuscript that we ultimately did not sell to a publisher) I have definitely had to reexamine my goals, my dreams, my ambitions, my purpose… There’s a lot of overlap in those words, but the Venn diagram is not a single perfect circle. Thank you for talking about this. Clearly from the comments, you’ve struck a chord.