A New Year Brings Fresh Author Envy
By Nancy Johnson | January 7, 2020 |
“Okay, I’m a little, teeny bit jealous of a few writers,” I admitted to another debut author via the anonymity of Facebook Messenger.
“I am SOOOO jealous,” she typed back.
Behind the confessional curtain of social media, we could whisper that ugly truth. We even conceded we’d been jealous of each other from time to time. Once I began opening up to more of my writer friends, many revealed mild annoyances, burning secret resentments, and even crippling envy. Still, everyone stressed they were extremely happy, thrilled, and overjoyed (substitute other convincing superlatives) for the success of other authors.
One of the most insidious sources of this madness has to be the list, which is lauded as the holy grail of success by enough writers for it to be stressful. Well, all the lists. This time of year, almost every publication from O, The Oprah Magazine to The New York Times and PopSugar releases its list of the most anticipated books for the new year. The timing couldn’t be worse because those lists come on the heels of year-end wraps of the best books from the previous year. Every time a new list emerges, a collective, congratulatory whoop rises in my author communities and I believe it’s genuine. Still, amid all the fanfare, I know authors scan those lists, starry-eyed, looking for their own names.
Lists are not an immediate consideration for me right now. I’m in the early stages of the publication process completing a second round of structural edits for my novel, which doesn’t release until early 2021. But anticipatory angst is real, if a bit irrational, and I sometimes envy authors who make lists I’m not even eligible for, wondering if my own trajectory will be on par with theirs.
One winter afternoon I spent hours poring over a website called Edelweiss (totally unrelated to The Sound of Music), where you can request advance reader copies of books and browse publishers’ catalogs. It’s still early so my book doesn’t appear in the database yet. Still, Edelweiss offers a preview of what’s happening for other authors. I try to manage my expectations.
Be cool. Just be cool.
Still, I couldn’t help but notice the publicity and marketing plans for the most buzzed about authors, which include branded influencer packages, national author tours, New York media lunches, and pre-pub cocktail parties. Some authors whose publishers are committing few if any resources to boost their books often look at those plans with envy. For me, there’s this bubble of hope, cautious optimism coursing through my veins, as I imagine all that hoopla for my novel someday.
At every stage of this journey, you become better informed while making yourself susceptible to inevitable comparisons. I only recently learned in an author group that not every book cover is created equal. Rumor has it that there’s gloss, foil, and all sorts of embossing that signal a book is getting lead title treatment at the publishing house.
These are first world literary problems, the rantings of the privileged in a world where traditional book deals are rare. I have plenty of insanely talented writer friends who have been querying agents for years or submitting manuscripts to publishers without success. They’d love the luxury of obsessing over a book’s custom gold foil stamping.
I’m convinced that jealousy arises at every step on this road to publication. As writers, many of us are naturally sensitive, strongly connected to our emotional selves. Even our fiction provides a roadmap to our psyches and life experiences. When the publishing industry sends us a signal of how our work measures up, it’s not just the worth of our books at stake.
It’s us.
Am I good enough?
That’s the endless question we’re all asking ourselves. And that’s real whether you’re languishing in the query trenches or preparing for the launch of your debut or publishing your sixth book. And it batters you emotionally if you let it.
If we can all agree our insecurities breed jealousy sometimes, we can be gentler with other authors and ourselves. In what I can only chalk up to a spiral of jealousy, I know of a writer who snidely mocked a debut author’s success in an open forum. While she wrapped her disdain in a feeble attempt at humor, it landed hard on the intended victim who was hurt by this insult. Believe me when I tell you that some of the authors we perceive as industry darlings are facing a slew of fears and doubts that we’ll never know about.
In a tough industry like publishing, we need to lift each other up and celebrate other writers’ triumphs while waiting for our own. Channeling our inevitable bouts with jealousy into respectful ranting in safe spaces is a good thing as long as it’s not done at the expense of others in the community.
One author friend constantly reminds herself of the goal she set for 2020: to rejoice in the successes of other authors. She keeps that message on a Post-it-note stuck to her computer where she can see it every day.
I write because I love language and can’t imagine a life without making meaning through words. I want people who look like me to see themselves fully on the page. I hope my novel will spark important conversations about race and class in America. If my book finds its readers and inspires them to think and feel, then I will be successful. That’s what truly matters to me.
I must keep reminding myself of my writing goals to gird my ego against the inevitable missed opportunities, perceived slights, and omissions that will occur. Of course, I still want to make lists and have the literati buzz about my book. But if that doesn’t happen, I will return to my core purpose, the reason I must put pen to paper no matter who notices.
When does your writer envy surface and how do you handle it? Have you ever admitted your jealousy to another writer, and if so, what did you learn from that experience? How do you stay focused on your own path in an industry where comparisons are easy to make?
A native of Chicago’s South Side, Nancy Johnson (she/her) worked for more than a decade as an Emmy-nominated, award-winning television journalist at CBS and ABC affiliates in markets nationwide. Her debut novel, The Kindest Lie, was a Target Book Club Pick. It has been reviewed by The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Los Angeles Times, and was featured in Real Simple magazine and on Entertainment Weekly’s Must List. It was a New York Times Editors’ Choice selection and was named one of the most anticipated books by Newsweek, O, the Oprah Magazine, Shondaland, NBC News, Marie Claire, ELLE, The Chicago Tribune, The New YorkPost, Good Housekeeping, Parade, Refinery29, and more. Booksellers nationwide selected her novel as an Indie Next pick and librarians chose it for LibraryReads. A graduate of Northwestern University and The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Nancy lives in downtown Chicago and her second novel, People of Means, will be published by William Morrow/HarperCollins in early 2025.
Find out more about Nancy, her books and events on her website.
I agree that jealousy exists at every stage, at least it does for me. I find it creeps up especially when I *feel* (emphasis on feel) like I have put in more dues than the one having their brief, shiny moment. I find it impossible to deny the jealousy so I just step back for a bit because I know it’s about me, not them. And it does pass. Always. So when it’s over, I’ll join in the celebration, because I don’t fake enthusiasm well. And I like knowing any praise I offer is sincere.
Have I told other writers? Yes, but I don’t think I’ve ever admitted it to the object of my envy.
What helps me focus on doing my own work well and to let go of the jealousy, is having friends at all stages of writing/publishing. There’s something about remembering how those early days were, and knowing how tenuous success is- it keeps things in perspective. AND it reminds me that I can’t sit by passively and expect success to find me, it will require work at every stage and step.
I always feel like this is the dirty secret of writing even though every single one of us must experience it at some point. I’m glad you wrote about it.
I love this response, Lynn (and feel it myself). One of the things I have really appreciated at our WFWA retreats has been the kindness, aid, encouragement, and humility of our multi-published authors. It feels like everyone is interested in each others continued progress and success. There is definitely a “rising tide lifts all boats” feeling most of the time.
Lynn, thanks for your candor. I’ve looked at other authors and thought: “They didn’t revise as long as I did.” Or “I queried agents for two years before landing one. How did they get multiple offers right out the gate?” There’s always something. But now that I’ve been on this road longer and met more writers, I know some of the secret struggles that aren’t made public. We just see the shiny successes. I agree with you that perspective is key.
Best,
Nancy
I agree, Nancy. This is insidious and must be combatted. Best way? Rejoice in other’s successes. Thanks for writing this!
Carol, yes! Rejoicing in the success of other writers is always a good practice.
Thanks,
Nancy
I feel this keenly, especially during award season. The best thing I’ve discovered is to name what I’m feeling and acknowledge it.
I can’t control what books get lauded and chosen, but I can focus on creating my own best authentic work.
Oh my, LJ. Awards! That will be my new source of angst someday. *smile*
You’re right. We can only control writing the best book we can. And that’s it.
Thank you,
Nancy
As I read your piece this morning, Nancy, it was as if you’d burrowed into my own mind and soul and put me up on Writer Unboxed for everyone to see. Yes, this is exactly how it is. I’m a member of the debut group you refer to and I’ve started to half-dread seeing the day’s “raves”—because each YAY! from a fellow deb evokes the best and the worst in me. Part of me truly rejoices in whatever good comes to one of my tribe, as I hope they do for me. Yet another part of me recoils in shame at my own envy, that part of myself I don’t like and want to pretend isn’t there. I don’t want to feel those pangs of jealousy and greed. I want to be able to claim that better, deeper self 100% of the time—the one for whom the love of writing is so much more meaningful than the fleeting highs and lows that come with the journey. But I need to embrace and accept it all—it comes with the vulnerability of exposure as a writer, and with being human. Sometimes that’s really hard, but it’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thank you so much for this post, Nancy.
Barbara, thank you for your candor and vulnerability. Envy in writing communities is something we don’t talk about often. I believe we can be happy for other authors’ successes and harbor envy at the same time. Like you, the envy part doesn’t feel good to me either. It’s acknowledgement that I’m not always a “good person.” But that’s problematic, too. I’m human. And so are you.
It is helpful to know we’re not alone. Thanks for weighing in on this.
Best,
Nancy
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy…This is every writer’s/author’s dirty little secret. At the WriterUnboxed Unconference this year, I think it was Kathryn Craft who asked the question, “Who here has experienced author jealousy?” I timidly raised my hand along with maybe 1 or 2 other people. She responded with something to the effect that the rest of us were either lying or in denial. (Sorry if I misquoted you, Kathryn.) When I learn of an author’s success, it’s like I have angel on one shoulder shouting, “Yayyyyy!! That’ so awesome!” and a devil on the other whispering in my ear, “Why her/him and not me?” My happiness for them is genuine, but so is my envy. You laid it out perfectly. Unless you’re a saint and you have angels on both shoulders, I think it just comes with the writer/author territory.
Densie, I wish I’d made it to Kathryn’s session. Dang! She always cuts through the BS and gets right to the heart of the matter. You expressed everything so aptly. Both our happiness and our envy are genuine. As long as we keep our envy in check and try to maintain perspective, I think we’re good.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Best,
Nancy
Ah, yes. The struggle is real. Years ago I read a fantastic poem by Clive James that begins, “The book of my enemy has been remaindered / And I am pleased.” (Here it is printed in the New York Times…what was that you were saying about jealousy? https://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/07/24/the-book-of-my-enemy/). It is something I read now and again to laugh, but the feeling of being in competition with other writers is a poisonous one.
I have been in the debut 2019 group on FB for the last year and a half, and the disparity of publishing experience was certainly evident. A few people got the star treatment, a few people seemed to get no treatment at all, and the vast majority were somewhere in the middle. Everyone has been supportive and gracious and helpful no matter where they fell on the spectrum. And yes, some of the most anxious, nervous, and worried people were those with the most support from their publisher. And I am sure there was not one of us who didn’t at some time or another feel jealous of someone else (who was likely jealous of us at the exact same time for a different reason).
For me, social media is that two-edged sword. It is where I find much of my writing community and see people lifting one another up. But it is also the place where I become aware of what other people are doing or how much other people are talked about. So for me, it’s best to leave it aside for a while (especially when I’m actually working on a new project). Staying away from FB and Twitter helps me ignore all those other voices out there and focus on the one that drives my writing: mine.
Hi, Erin! I just laughed aloud at that Clive James poem excerpt. That’s absolutely perfect!
Your experience in the 2019 debut group is quite similar to mine in the 2020 one (they *Alison* let me in to observe sine I’m an early 2021 debut). It’s a tremendously supportive community and yet it’s clear that some books are getting more buzz than others. I’m proud of how we genuinely celebrate everyone’s successes while acknowledging the inevitable bouts of envy.
Great practical advice about stepping away from social media sometimes so we can create without the added burden of external pressures and competition.
Writer-author-publishing envy! So real. I’ve learned to allow myself a moment of envy or jealousy when I read/hear good news from others. I have that one friend I can text all my petty thoughts. Then I text her again saying “thank you for listening to my petty rant, I feel better”. And honestly, it DOES make me feel better. I DO want my writer friends to succeed and once I purge that initial angst, I can feel the joy for them again.
Having you post about it and keeping it in the open is helpful for all of us, too, to help us remember we are not alone at any stage in this process!
Yes, Janet, this is great. I have one friend I go to regularly and we share all the petty. It’s cathartic! *laughing*
It definitely helps to know we’re not alone. Thanks!
Oh, yes. I remember these feelings. They still pop up from time to time. My way to combat them during my debut year was to write a Writer’s Manifesto. Here it is in all its glory. https://carolinestarrrose.com/writers-manifesto-four-years-later/ A condensed version hangs on my wall. Best of luck to you in 2020!
Caroline, thank you for your manifesto. Generosity and love are always important. It’s good to have that constant reminder.
Envy and jealousy are a part of the process for most people who create for a living. The key is what you do when you experience these emotions. The author who mocked someone on a public forum is a definite “what not to do.” And Twitter, wooh boy! A lot of what passes for opinion-sharing on that platform is so obviously rooted in envy, it hurts. As you’ve alluded to, though, the best way to deal with those feelings is to keep your eyes on your own journey, your own core purpose. Thanks for your transparency, Nancy, and I can’t wait for your debut!
Grace, it’s wonderful to hear from you. So glad we got to meet in Salem. Yes, social media can be brutal and hurtful. We must guard ourselves against the constant comparisons and focus on the stories we want to tell. Thanks so much!
Man, this is so timely, and so well written, Nancy! As a fellow member of the 2020 Debuts group, I can relate to every single line.
I also beat myself up for feeling jealous (Why am I feeling jealous when I am also genuinely pleased for this writer,? And I know well that she is on a different track than me…).
And yet still, that insidious green smoke snuggles inside my psyche taunting me… What if it’s never my time? What if I’m not good enough?
My answer to this is similar to my response to many parts of the world right now, especially on social media. I stand up from my desk (or go up to the roof deck) and breathe for a few seconds. Then I work on sourcing empathy.
Everyone is worried and stressed at every point in this journey – just for different reasons. And practically every one of those debuts finally getting a book into the world in 2020 busted their butt, got rejected again and again, tore apart and completely rewrote that same novel twice, three, ten times. And they also had their moment of absolute dejection and wanting to give up.
I try to remember that…
* The writer who got the 6 figure advance is now stressing about whether they will earn it out and have a continued career as an author.
* The writer whose first book skyrocketed and was on every list is now panicking that the second book won’t live up to it.
* One of those writers with the great “I’d die for” agent is freaking out that the agent has more important best-selling clients and isn’t focused on their unknown debut.
* The small publisher author is panicking that their cadre of debuts is showing on ‘most anticipated’ lists and they don’t even have a cover (or final copy edits) for a book releasing the same month (yup that one’s me ! :)
And then the common angst for everyone – WILL ANYONE EVER READ AND LIKE IT ANYWAY?
My point is, I’m able to feel and source empathy for those other writers, no matter how different their path, because I’m blessed to be part of groups like #2020debuts and Women’s Fiction Writers.
I’m blessed to have heard the worries of those ahead of me on the path, because those authors were willing to share. And I’m blessed to have had a small part in celebrating their victories too.
From my standpoint, the best thing you can do to manage jealousy is to help enough and be involved enough that you can tell yourself it’s your win, too. e.g I know that author! I beta read that book ! I sat with her at the registration desk for a retreat and got the inside scoop on her sixth rewrite! I bought her a margarita when she was down because that same book (now making the most anticipated list) went on submission and after 6 months of no, she thought it’d never sell (true story).
I can’t help but compare our challenge here to the rest of the dumpster fire that is social media interactions at times, these days. If we started with an assumption of empathy – that this person we are seeing in success has worked just as hard, and has just as many angst ridden nights as we do – it can help us to breathe, step back from the green smoke and (for me) truly rejoice in the success of other authors.
P.S. small plug if you are following @debuts2020 on Instagram – come check us out, and give us a follow? 150+ stressing (trying not to be jealous) debut 2020 authors in one place!
Yes, yes, yes to all. And when I read this comment (and Nancy’s excellent post) I was able to say, “Hey! I know her! We’ve been talking about her book for years! And now look at her: she’s a Debut 2020 author! Amazing!”
Lainey, yes, yes, yes! You nailed in perfectly, my friend. There are many stories of angst, defeat, and anxiety behind the success stories that blow up our feeds regularly. I love the idea of owning the wins of other writers and appreciating the collective good.
And please do follow the @debuts2020. It’s an amazing, impressive group of authors! Thanks again. :)
I am by nature a competitive person. I love contests, games, races. There’s a healthy aspect to competition: we become better in our chosen pursuits by comparing our progress with others and working hard to improve. Unfortunately, there’s that ugly, green side to the coin when comparison turns to jealousy and envy.
In a foot race, you can’t really be jealous of the person who beats you. It’s just a fact. But in the subjective world of writing and publishing, it’s easy to buy into the delusion that someone else is unfairly getting ahead. I love your recommendation:
“In a tough industry like publishing, we need to lift each other up and celebrate other writers’ triumphs while waiting for our own.”
I find building relationships in the writing community helps overcome the little green thoughts that pop up like ugly weeds in my literary garden. My blog at kaydibianca.com is dedicated to encouraging and equipping novice writers like myself.
And I love your friend’s goal for 2020 to “rejoice in the successes of other authors.” I just added that one to my list. Thank you!
Kay, thanks for your insight. Competition can be healthy until it isn’t. I agree that building relationships and nurturing other writers helps tremendously.
From the outpouring in these comments, you obviously have struck a nerve…or should we say nervousness?
Others have hit the main points to remember, so I’ll just add this: The royal treatment accorded some debut novels is not handed out on the basis of nepotism. It is money spent because a publisher believes…or should we say hopes to hell…that a given novel will have wide appeal.
And what, in turn, causes publishers to make that judgment…or should we say guess? Only one thing: great storytelling, the one thing that is under your control.
I’ll add one more point, about “The List”, or any list for that matter. The NYTBSL is dominated by a small group of authors, perhaps 100 or so, mostly thriller writers, who have somehow figured out how to write in a way that has broad appeal…or should we say that hits the lowest common denominator?
Is that the way your are writing? If so, feel envy. If not, don’t bother. Your measure of success is not that one. Instead, why not decide whether you’ve told the best story that you can, in the best way that you know how?
If you have, then your audience will find you–and probably not on Edelweiss, in PW, or on any “hot” list at all, because most readers don’t see those or even know those exist. No, sorry, there is only one thing that works and is worth your envy: a well told tale.
I don’t know about you, but when I read a great novel I’m not jealous of that author’s agent. I’m inspired. I learn, and in turn teach what I’ve discovered.
Thanks, Nancy, always love your honest posts.
Nancy, I love the honesty and timing of your post, not just in award season but when I feel awash in new year resolutions that make me a little hopeless and scattered. Having grown up with two amazing sisters and lots of women with strong views and big footprints I have envy to fight at every turn. I build walls against it or try to, but your encouragement to acknowledge it and try to move past it is great advice.
And Don, thanks as usual for drawing me back to what matters, trying to craft my best told story that comes from an authentic place.
Great post and I love how many responses it has prompted.
Don, you always make me see things from a new perspective. Thank you. I appreciate the notion of focusing on what we can control: great storytelling. I don’t think any of us write for “the lists” or for public acclaim. We do it because we love to tell stories. Now, we just need to remind ourselves of that when we lose our way.
I’m so glad we finally got to meet in Salem! Thanks again.
Yes, it was great to meet you too!
I appreciate your honesty. This topic is a reality of being a writer, and here we are talking about it without self-judgment. Thank you.
Rosetta, I marvel at how open and vulnerable people have been about this topic that we don’t talk about much. No judgment.
Terrific post, Nancy. For me, the early years of envy/comparison were simply my own insecurity as a writer and person. This part of your post summed it up for me: “It’s us. Am I good enough? That’s the endless question we’re all asking ourselves.” The day I realized I was not only good enough, but also capable of becoming even better – set me free. Now when I hear about other’s good fortunes, I silently rejoice and am inspired. They are trailblazers, showing me the way for my own trailblazing. Exciting times ahead!
Hi, Kathleen! I’m glad to hear you’re no longer wrestling with that question: “Am I good enough?” I imagine that is quite freeing! Thank you for the inspiration. :)
Thanks, Nancy, for bringing up such an interesting topic.
I guess I have felt envy from time to time, but maybe it’s different for an independent author/publisher like myself. I’ve made choices. I’m responsible for those choices. I choose how much time to devote to my writing and how much time to devote to promoting my work. I initially chose to write a mystery series and I chose my main characters based on my preferences as a reader. Consequently, I always feel that my degree of success — or lack of it! — is my own doing.
That’s how I stay focused (as much as anyone with a multitude of distractions can) by accepting full responsibility for my own career. Would I like to be more successful? Sure! What am I wiling to do about it? The buck stops with me.
Hence a bit of self promotion: if any of you are willing to do a small favor for a moderately successful (for an independent author/publisher) long-time fellow WU-er, my latest mystery novel “Yellowhead Blues” has been selected by TaleFlick to be one of three books in a contest for which of them would be the best choice to be adapted for film. If you get a chance, please vote for it at http;//taleflick.com between Jan 8 at 10 am PT and Jan 10 at 4 pm PT.
Many thanks!
Ooops! I’m usually very careful about checking for typos but I missed the semi-colon vs colon in the TaleFlick URL. It should be https://taleflick.com
Also, in case anyone is wondering, I’ve had Yellowhead Blues listed with TaleFlick since about August. So far, no inquiries from scriptwriters or producers, so I can neither recommend nor not recommend them at this point. Quite a few readers have suggested my Highway Mysteries would make a great TV series, which is what led me to give it a try.
Hi, Ruth. By the way, that is my protagonist’s name. :) It’s helpful to have the perspective of an independent author. I imagine that as someone doing all your own self-promotion, you often wonder if you’ve done enough. Sounds like you have a healthy perspective on things. I’ll make a note to boost “Yellowhead Blues” tomorrow. :)
Envy? Oh my lord, b’gosh no! I veritably shine when I hear of other authors’ giant contracts, adulation in the industry, speaking engagements, enshrinement on authorial Olympus. A rising tide lifts all books, we are keyboard comrades, a wealth of gratitude and admiration to those on whom the light has shone.
And then I crawl into a corner and die a little. Yeah, this jealousy crap, it’s a dark-hearted wretch, a soul-sucking thing. And such a waste of time. “Just do the work and write the best tale you can tell” is what I tell myself when those pangs are panging, but it can ring hollow. Other people have mentioned that we don’t know what heralded authors suffer on so many counts besides those golden recognitions, and so true it must be.
I like this Longfellow quote, and emend it here to apply to other writers: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” Meanwhile, I’ll tell that weasel-faced homunculus inside my head that’s muttering about that undeserved writer getting a great write-up in the NY Times to shush. If I keep working, I can get remaindered some day.
Nancy, thanks for the great post.
Tom, thanks for the Longfellow quote. I agree that jealousy can be soul-sucking. You’re right that we must focus on telling the best tale we can. That’s where I plan to place my energy this year.
Excellent article, Nancy!
The lists are the WORST. One of those anxieties I didn’t know existed until a few weeks ago. I definitely don’t need one more thing to be anxious about, so I’m trying very hard to ignore the lists as much as possible.
As far as envy – yes, definitely! I keep journals, and this really helps me reset my brain. I can look back a month, or six months, or a year or more and see what journey I’ve been on. I’ve come so so far, and it’s easy to forget when I’m seeing other books get more attention. These are absolutely luxury problems, like you said, and now and then I have to slap myself upside the head to remind myself of it!
Anika, yes, the lists have to be all-consuming for you. And they keep coming! In the latter half of the year, it will be my turn to obsess over them. ;)
I love the idea of keeping a journal to track your progress so you can remind yourself of all the wonderful things you’ve accomplished. So glad we’re pub sisters! :)
It’s sometimes easy to fall into a jealousy spiral. We’ve all been there. Some of us more than others. But there’s also the flip side that many people don’t like to talk about. And that’s being on the other end of someone else’s jealousy. It can be soul-crushing. I had to end a friendship because of it. My writer “friend” even tried to sabotage my efforts by trying to convince me to submit to a small publisher that works out of their house. When I landed an agent, she told me how jealous she was amongst other things. And it completely tainted our friendship. I’d celebrated her writing (she’s self-published) while it felt like she cringed at her own perceived shortcomings when I succeeded. It hurt. She sensed something was wrong with our friendship because I distanced myself. When confronted, I told her we weren’t in a healthy place and that I needed to end our friendship. I never told her why. She told me again how jealous she was. I’ve since sold my first book and am so glad to have her out of my life. People like this are toxic and could hinder career goals. Whenever I’m feeling that tinge of jealousy, I remember how much being on the other flip side hurts, and I keep it to myself.
Thank you for sharing that story. Envy can be very dangerous when it’s used to diminish or even sabotage others’ careers. This is a great reminder to be mindful about the people we surround ourselves with, making sure they’re well-meaning and supportive.
I’m glad you find your way and pursued the right path for you in spite of your “friend’s” meddling.