The Hack’s Guide to Your Ideal Level of Literary Fame
By Bill Ferris | July 20, 2019 |
Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.
Most writers dream of making it big. But what does “making it” mean, exactly? The answer is different for everyone. There are lots of resources about how writers can make money and improve their craft, but today I want to focus on every writer’s purest motivation: to gain the validation, attention, and admiration of important and attractive people. That’s right, Famous Author Bill Ferris is talking about your level of famousness, which is a healthy and totally controllable thing for you to fixate on.
[Note that I’m differentiating between fame and success here. While a small handful of folks like Stephen King and J.K. Rowling have both, many writers have one without the other. Financial success is outside the scope of this column, but to find out more information on how to get rich as a writer, just Google “writing” and click on literally any search result.]
Writing is a never-ending and non-lucrative job, and if we can’t get paid in money, then we should expect to sign a few books for readers, to get recognized when going through the Drive Thru, or at the very least get some “likes” on social media (which is the true coin of the realm in the influencer economy or whatever).
To find your ideal level of fame, we need to identify what type of writer you are.
Type Zero: Fame? What’s That?
Motivation: You write what you write, and people can like it or not. You’re just doing this for you.
Ideal fame level: Your boss knows you write during your lunch breaks, but doesn’t take that as an indication that you’re slacking off on the job.
How you’ll know you’ve achieved it: You’re either a wild success or unpublished, and in either case, you’re already at your ideal level of famousness. So take your emotional maturity and well-adjusted priorities elsewhere, because the rest of us divas are trying to make a breakthrough here, okay?
Type 1: The Bestseller
Motivation: You want to get booked on every morning show, and go on months-long publicity tours so you can get laid in every time zone. You have an insatiable hunger for praise and validation, for someone, anyone to notice me. Er, I mean you.
Ideal fame level: You can’t leave the house without someone approaching, photographing, or cursing at you.
How you’ll know you’ve achieved it: 1. You’re a guest on a book podcast, and the host has actually read your book. 2. The subject(s) of your infamous tell-all book will no longer speak to you.
photo by starmanseries
Type 2: The Purist
Motivation: You don’t write for recognition, you write for art. It’s only about expressing the deep truths of your soul.
Ideal fame level: Toiling in obscurity until your work is championed via the dissertations of nicotine-addled grad students thirty years after your death.
How you’ll know you’ve achieved it: 1. You take the word “reclusive” as a compliment. 2. You turned down an invitation to appear on a book podcast because of your long-standing boycott of their primary sponsor.
Type 3: Everyone Else
Motivation: On one hand, it’s wonderful to be recognized for your work. On the other hand, you’re so very tired.
Ideal fame level: That sweet spot where folks on the street know your name and fancy people will ask you to come talk to them, but not so famous that a trip to the grocery store means getting mobbed by autograph seekers and paparazzi taking photos of you in sweat pants and buying off-brand frozen pizzas for dinner.
How you’ll know you’ve achieved it: 1. You’re a guest on a book podcast, and though the host hasn’t read your book, they feel guilty about it. 2. When you post a joke on Twitter, all the replies are progressively less-funny versions of your own joke.
Now that you’ve identified your ideal level of fame, all you have to do is achieve it…somehow. Find out how in a future column, or maybe just adjust your expectations.
What’s your ideal level of writerly fame? Share it in the comments!
[coffee]
After college, Bill Ferris (he/him) left Nebraska for Florida to become a rich and famous rock star. Failing that, he picked up the pen to become a rich and famous novelist. He now lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and looks forward to a life of poverty and ridicule.
You left Nebraska for Florida? What possessed you? Thanks for this humorous look at a writer’s level of fame. (BTW, I was born in Norfolk.)
I’ve been to many football games, band concerts, and swim meets in Norfolk!
Isn’t there a category for: I just don’t want to starve?
Hey, full-timing this stuff wasn’t easy, but I did NOT expect to be this physically hungry. There are only so many bags of lentils you can eat, you know.
So, let’s go with “fairly compensated,” “minimal bullshit from your publisher, especially about all the things they SAY they’re going to do for you regarding publicity,” and “a three-book contract with an escalator clause.”
Is that so much to ask?
Any tips on reaching the level of famousness at which all the people who called me unfashionable, went to lunch without me, or assumed I write amateurish drivel will be chagrined they didn’t appreciate how awesome I am?
I’ll know I’ve reached the ideal level when those people do invite me to lunch, but I’ll say, “Sorry, I’m making a guest appearance on a book podcast today.”
When nobody calls what I do “scribbling.”
Thanks for your witty post Bill. I wrote a blog post a few days ago titled A Writing Dream Come True. In it, I touch on what you’ve posted today.
Insecurities dogged me for decades but I persisted because writing’s in my bones. I’ve had a poem, short story, and newspaper articles published, but I had a hell of a time getting an agent for my novels. I had a couple for my screenplays but I couldn’t click with an agent for my books, so I went ahead and took the indie route.
I just learned that my third indie novel, Sunflowers Under Fire, is a finalist for the 2019 Whistler Independent Book Awards, sponsored by the Writers Union of Canada. I’m over the moon. When my shiny stickers arrived to put on my novel, I felt like a kid who’s been given a new bike or the doll they’d admired in the store window.
By the way, I’m going to be on a podcast in August, one that features authors. So I’m thinking, persistence and hard work has paid off. Whether I win or not is beside the point. I’m in a group with wonderful writers. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game.
Young Thug
Right in there with everyone else. Was on the podcast–seemed like a decent one, syndicated radio. Not only had they not read my podcast, they hadn’t even looked over my intro bio before they tripped all over my hard earned degrees! So embarassing. The good news is I don’t think anyone listens to it!
I’d like the level of fame where people who don’t know me and have never interacted with me have still read my book(s).
Which is to say, I don’t really want to be famous; I just want my work to be famous :-)
Boy you bring up an important question. How much time should I send writing and how much marketing what I write? I thought retirement would be a great time to do the writing I wanted to do and maybe make a few dollars, but I can’t seem to do enough of either. I’m not depressed exactly, just overwhelmed.
This was fun, thanks for the chuckles!
How about Type 4: All of the Above?