The Power of Writerly Kindness
By Julie Carrick Dalton | May 15, 2019 |
Photo by Willow J
Pull up a chair, pour a cup of tea, and get comfy. I’d like to talk about kindness in the writing community. I don’t mean retweeting to give each other a boost or following a stranger back to be courteous. I’m talking about profound kindness that settles in your chest and warms you on cold, lonely days.
As writers, we are accustomed to hearing stories of crushed hopes, long shots, and tales of glorious success. We lean in to listen to them all. Stories of rejection make us feel less alone. We warm our hands over the heat generated by other writers’ victories. Each story reminds us we are part of something bigger than ourselves.
But knowing we aren’t alone isn’t enough to sustain us. We crave connection to other writers. We long for someone to acknowledge that we are out there doing this hard work, for someone to nod in our direction and tell us to keep going.
In search of literary fellowship, I’ve stumbled into several writing communities over the years. The kindness that greeted me each time is the fuel that sustains me on my writing journey. I’m about to point fingers and name names, so buckle up.
First, I’m looking at you, Nancy Johnson, my writing soulmate and dear friend. Nancy held my hand as I queried. She talked me through the anxiety of waiting, waiting, waiting, while my book was on submission. But two things in particular that she did for me inspired me to keep going, and I’m calling her out on both of them.
I asked my agent to wait until I had a collection of rejections from editors before sharing them with me instead of sending them piecemeal. As a result, she sent the first batch of passes to me in one long email, as I had requested. I read through them one after another. They weren’t awful. They included some lovely compliments, but they all ended the same way: rejection. I felt nauseous.
I forwarded the letters to Nancy so we could discuss them. She promptly called and left me a voicemail in which she strung all the kind things the editors had written into the loveliest blurb about my book. My novel sounded incredible! I have listened to that voicemail more times than I care to admit. It made me feel good about my writing again.
Later, as more rejections trickled in, Nancy stepped up with another thoughtful gift. “I know you’re doubting yourself right now, but it’s okay,” she told me as the wait began to crush me. “I got this. I believe in you enough for both of us.”
The thing is, I believe in Nancy just as much as she believes in me. So, when she offered to take up my burden, I let her. I can’t explain why, but it made me feel better. As I trusted her to believe in me, I was able to shake off the negative feelings and have faith in my writing again. I believed because Nancy believed.
Next up, I’m pointing at you, Milo Todd. Milo, a fantastic writer and critique partner, is the person I brainstorm all my writing with. He knows my books and my writing better than anyone.
After I had already revised my manuscript numerous times, a reader at my literary agency pointed out some problems – and they were big. I couldn’t bring myself to read the potentially harsh edit letter. Milo sensed my trepidation.
“Let me read the notes for you,” he offered. The tightness in my chest eased a bit.
Milo organized the problems into tidy bullet points. Even more importantly, he came up with potential revision strategies to attack each issue. “I didn’t want to show you the problems without offering some solutions,” he said.
That, folks, is a really good friend!
Next, I’m calling out Hank Phillippi Ryan, the multiple-award-winning author and Emmy-winning television journalist. Hank and I connected a few months ago when she judged a story slam contest I entered. After the event, she asked me if I was a writer. When I told her I was, she asked if she could read my manuscript. I nervously sent it to her.
Days later, as I was having a drink with friends, Hank called me. Cue the heart palpitations. I slipped away from my friends at the bar, my hands trembling as I leaned against a window. Rain poured down the glass, blurring the street outside. I held my breath.
Hank started by telling me she loved my book. (Always a good opener.) She spoke to me like a peer and gave me collegial suggestions on ways to improve my opening chapter. She thanked me for letting her read it, adding that she could now brag about knowing me before I was famous, a joke my fragile ego appreciated.
When I hung up the phone, a warmth swelled in my chest. Even my fingers felt warm against that cold window. Maybe my writing was good enough. Perhaps I would find a publisher for this book of my heart. Hank’s interest, her time, her feedback, and her sincere enthusiasm for my writing renewed my hope.
Last up, I’m calling out WU’s very own Therese Walsh for a quiet act of kindness that got me through a difficult time.
In March of this year, several things in my life collided. I lost someone I loved very much. I traveled to Europe a few days later. One of my kids was diagnosed with mono, another with the flu, and all of this happened while my book was being considered by the acquisitions board at a publishing house I admired. I was incredibly stressed and emotionally exhausted. And I was grieving.
I was also late with a deadline for a Writer Unboxed post to Therese.
The journalist in me cringes as I admit this publicly. Deadlines are sacred. I still feel ashamed for messing up Therese’s schedule.
At the time, I did not tell Therese why I was late. I didn’t mention the death, the illnesses, the travel, or the acquisitions board. Too often, folks don’t take time to consider what’s going on in another person’s life, particularly if that person’s actions impact you negatively. They usually just get annoyed or angry. But not Therese. Even though she had no idea what was happening in my personal life, she was gracious and did not reprimand me, although I deserved it.
She accepted my late post – and thanked me.
For some reason, her simple act of compassion amid a lot of stress and grief was like a balm on my many wounds. She reduced my anxiety level and my guilt, which allowed me to focus on my family, and calmed my nerves about the acquisitions board.
We writers experience anxiety, guilt, and imposter syndrome in ways that most non-writers can’t quite understand. So why do we keep going? What makes us send out one more query after facing so many rejections?
I keep going because of people like Nancy, Milo, Hank, and Therese.
Their kindnesses taught me lessons I still carry. I have more faith in my writing. I’m more resilient and better equipped to handle rejection and criticism. I now feel like a writer, like I belong here with all of you. And I’ve learned to cut myself slack when I need it.
In April this year, after years of writing, querying, and submitting, I accepted a two-book offer from Forge (Macmillan.) These stories I have carried around inside me are going to be real books. I thought my heart might burst when my agent called with the offer. After I ecstatically screamed the news to my family, can you guess who I told next? Nancy, Milo, Hank, and Therese.
These writers lifted me up and carried me when I couldn’t manage on my own. And they did it for no other reason than that they are kind. They are writers.
I see writers helping each other all the time. We critique each other’s queries and manuscripts and review each other’s books. We coach each other before pitching to agents. We help each other carry the load when the burden becomes too heavy.
Saying thank you to Nancy, Milo, Hank, Therese (and the many other writers who have helped me) doesn’t seem adequate, so I vow to pay forward the kindnesses they offered to me. As I move into this new phase of my writing journey, I hope I can live up to the generosity of the writer friends who helped me get here. I want to be worthy of the faith they put in me.
Have you been on the receiving end of writerly acts of kindness? What did it mean to you? Have you ever helped another writer? What inspired you to do so?
Julie Carrick Dalton is the author of THE LAST BEEKEEPER, longlisted for the Massachusetts Book Award, and WAITING FOR THE NIGHT SONG, a Most Anticipated book by CNN, Newsweek, USA Today, Parade, and Buzzfeed, and an Amazon Editor’s Pick for Best Books of the Month. As a journalist, Julie has published more than a thousand articles in publications including The Boston Globe, BusinessWeek, The Hollywood Reporter, and the Chicago Review of Books. A Tin House and Bread Loaf alum, and graduate of GrubStreet’s Novel Incubator, Julie holds a Master’s in Creative Writing and is currently on the teaching faculty of Drexel University’s MFA program. She also teaches Climate Fiction to undergrads at Tufts University. Julie is a frequent speaker and workshop leader on the topic of Fiction in the Age of Climate Crisis at universities, libraries, museums, and conferences nationally and internationally. Mom to four kids and two dogs, Julie is an avid skier, kayaker, open-water swimmer, gardener, and wannabe herbalist. Her third novel, THE FOREST BECOMES HER, is forthcoming from St. Martin’s Press. You can connect with her on Instagram @juliecdalton, or at juliecarrickdalton.com.
Love this, Julie. :)
Thanks, Erin! You are on my list of thank yous too! You were one of the first people to ever read my book. ❤️ Thanks!
Just. So. Beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for reading, Susan. This community really is the best.
This is a great reminder to all writing communities. Thank you for posting. Recently, I was rejected within a twelve-hour turn around. I actually complained, which I never do – but the etiquette of it was off, as if my piece didn’t earn editor’s attention. The admin wrote me back and assured me my piece was read. I think the gatekeepers need to remain humble and remember the other side: all of us, dangling over the furnace of hope and hell!
Elisabeth, you are so right! We make ourselves vulnerable when we put our words out there. It’s always a good reminder to treat people with kindness (ala Therese Walsh.) Thank you for reading, and good luck on those submissions!
I have followed your journey to publication through your blog posts and am so happy your books have finally found a home because I want to read them! I,too, was the recipient of Hank Ryan’s gracious feedback so I can identify with what you’ve written. Congratulations on the book deal and thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Hi Maggie! Thanks for your generous words. I can’t wait for you to read my books either!
Julie, your warmth, intelligence and passion are you. Thanks for this post, Beth
Thanks, Beth!
You and I have been on this journey together for a long time, haven’t we? ❤️ I feel pretty lucky for the company!
You are very kind, Julie; thank you. <3
Many times. One example that stands out: When my computer self-imploded a couple of years back, taking with it a load of valuable information but also some of my fuel-giving notes from readers who liked my novels, two writers reached out to me with fresh fuel. I’m looking at YOU, Kathryn Craft, and you, Vaughn Roycroft. Your notes of kindness lifted my spirits then, and continue to mean much to me.
Hello? Is there an exemplary role-model for writerly kindness in the house?
Why, yes – yes there is. And she happens to be our Editorial Director.
We here at WU learn from the best. In so many ways. How to lift one another up perhaps first and foremost. I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again: If WU is a writerly solar system, T Walsh is the shining sun, not only holding us together, but providing the illumination and warmth that makes this community special.
Thanks, Julie, for also leading by example. You’re right – Practicing gratitude and paying it forward provide a lot of the fuel necessary for this journey.
Let’s not let T. Walsh off that easily: she has sent the balm of care and kindness my way more than once when I’ve expressed that dank basement gloom that’s the part of my house I can’t seem to avoid. You are one of God’s blessed creatures, good madame. (I do hope I’ve embarrassed you now.)
I’ve felt the warmth of a writer’s kindness more than a few times. Once in a writing class that I felt I was flailing in, many, many years ago, an old guy (probably younger than I am now) came up to me after class and said he thought my writing was well worth the reading, and that I would go places.
That car is still warming up to go to those places, but I didn’t even know the guy, had never spoken to him, and he took a moment to give me solace, unasked.
That warmth still moves through time.
Thanks, Julie.
Vaughn and Tom, thank you for the kind words. This Frank Burns quote was made for you: “It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” Truly.
Therese,
That Kathryn Craft is pretty busy, isn’t she? She has helped me out plenty over the past few years too. I’m so excited to finally meet you in person in November. Warning: I’m a hugger!
Thanks again,
Julie
Always, always hugs.
This post is a balm to my soul.
While I have been on the receiving end of may acts of kindness, there’s one that stands out and will still move me to tears.
Before I had more than a few stories on my hard drive, before I queried, before I even dreamed I’d have a book for someone to buy, I struck up a correspondence with Lynn Viehl, initially through her blog.
A few years after that, in 2010, my family and I were chased out of our home in the early morning hours by a house fire with literally only the clothes (pajamas) on our backs.
Several days later, 2 boxes arrived in the mail. They were filled with pens and pencils, blank notebooks and journals, a magnetic poetry set, art books for inspiration, and a note that had me weeping on the front porch of our ruined home.
It was from Lynn. It said “A writer should never be without her tools.”
That was a moment of grace that I will never forget and only hope that I can pay forward.
LJ,
Thank you so much. Wow! What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing that.
Also, that someone would say “This post is a balm to my soul” about something I wrote, absolutely made my day (maybe my year) Thank you!
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this. And thank you to the WU community for making a warm place to hang out during my morning coffee for so many years!
Sheri,
Thanks for reading. I couldn’t agree with you more — WU is a really special community!
I loved your touching and insightful essay, Julie. You reminded me how very lucky we are in our writing colleagues (especially Writer Unboxed). Thank you!
YES! We are so lucky to have this community. Thank you for your kind words. Best of luck!
I’m envious of you for having such wonderful writer friends! I’ve struggled for about a decade to make meaningful connections with other writers. I work full-time, and the local literary groups meet in the middle of the day or late on weekday evenings when I’m too tired to string together coherent thoughts, let alone socialize.
I try to make connections online, and it hasn’t worked. The interactions on blogs, social media, and sites like Wattpad are so brief, and they often boil down to transactions (“Can you look this over for me and give me feedback?” “Can you leave a review of my book on Amazon?”). Building lasting personal relationships like the ones you have is difficult.
The most kindness I’ve received was from agents who decided not to represent me, but who went out of their way to encourage me to keep trying. I’ve clung to some of those gentle letdowns for years.
“Yeah, my latest self-published novel hasn’t sold a single copy in a month, but in 2017 Saba Sulaiman said I have a ‘dynamic, fresh voice’! Okay, I have to let go of this entire manuscript and start over, but in 2014 Alexandra Machinist said she thinks I’m ‘an extremely talented writer’! I can do this!”
I hear you. It took a lot of years for me to find those friends. Nancy and I met at a writers conference years ago, but didn’t really know each other well. Then we participated in a Don Maass online workshop together and remembered each other. I was really drawn to her writing in that workshop and we started talking outside of the group. Now we text, email, and a call each other almost daily. Sometimes it takes time to find those people. But it’s worth nurturing those friendships. Any chance you can come to the WU UnConference in November? I guarantee you will meet some fantastic and generous writers there. And congrats on the positive feedback from agents. Hold fast to their encouragement and don’t give up! Best of luck!
If my student loans went *poof* this moment, I’d be booking my plane tickets right now ;)
Unfortunately a librarian’s salary doesn’t provide the wiggle room for expenses like workshops and conferences (especially on top of the loans required for a librarian’s education!). I often gaze wistfully at the webpages of MFA programs and think, “When I win the lottery, that’s what I’ll do.” But said lottery has not been won yet, so right now I must content myself with comment threads.
Now I want to experience the power of agently kindness.
Hahaha! Yes, agently kindness! I have encountered some pretty wonderful agents. In general, I think folks who choose to center their lives around bringing books into the world are generous souls.
Thanks Julie, for reminding us in this beautiful post to be kind and acknowledge kindness. And, as the saying goes, Pay it forward.
Thanks for your kind words, Rose. How great would it be if we all paid forward just a bit more than we received? I know I can be a bit of a Pollyanna sometimes. But just imagine!