Vanquish Emotional Overwhelm to Increase Productivity
By Kim Bullock | January 28, 2019 |
Flickr Creative Commons: in lovely memory
My older daughter is six months shy of being a legal adult. The approach of this milestone has been fraught with anxiety, so I anticipated a rough night before she embarked on a new semester at the local community college. She’s taking an extra class this time. She has a part-time job. She worries about keeping up with it all. What I did not expect was for her to lament that she saw nothing to look forward to in the years to come. Community college will only lead to a regular college, which she is lukewarm about attending. College will only lead to a job she hates.
“What’s the point in any of it?” she asked. “Every adult I know is miserable.”
The weight of her negativity made remaining in her presence physically uncomfortable for this empath, but I couldn’t allow that comment to slide unchallenged. True, her father comes home shell-shocked from work most nights, but he isn’t all adults.
When I balked that I’m not miserable, she bestowed that special expression teenagers reserve for parental observations that conflict with their worldview. “Well, you’re not happy.”
I hadn’t given much thought to the idea of happiness lately, having spent the last four years as an involuntary sponge, absorbing the stress of one family member after another. I’d wring myself out only to fall into another puddle. I self-medicated with almost daily mocha lattes I no longer tasted, let alone savored. On particularly stressful days, I’d add a muffin, too.
I now own fat clothes.
She was right. I wasn’t happy, but what she had not lived long enough to understand is that happiness isn’t something that simply happens. It must be chosen. Every day we get to choose.
She had thrown down a challenge to prove her wrong, to show her another way. This was a wake-up call.
I’m convinced that much of what we call “writer’s block” is a consequence of emotional overwhelm. We are wired to put ourselves into the shoes of others, to share and, let’s be honest, sometimes to exploit their struggles by weaving them into a story. Easy prey to the perils of empathy, we become ensnared in that cycle of absorb/wring out/absorb and forget to allow ourselves to dry off in the sun. We forget to take care of ourselves. We forget to do the things that help us recharge, to pursue joy. Under these circumstances, when we have nothing left to give, is it any wonder our work can suffer, or even stall?
If you recognize yourself in this description, the first step to recovery is to recognize that escape from this rut requires your active participation. Yes, this should be obvious, but change is hard work and Instagram is only a finger-tap away.
The second step is to assess all stressors in your life. There will be ones you can’t change: a spouse’s poor health or overly demanding job, a child’s medical condition, an elderly relative’s need of additional help, unexpected car repairs. Set these aside for now.
Pick one stressor over which you have some control. Politely decline the next invitation from that friend who always brings you down. Soothe the sting of rejection by sending out more queries or starting a new project – preferably both. Plan a date with your spouse if communication has broken down. Take up another mom’s offer to pick your kid up after school.
Do little things that boost your mood. If music energizes you, don’t drive or do chores in silence. Enjoy painting? Take an hour and pick up a brush. Want a tattoo or a purple streak in your hair? Just do it.
Consider supplements. Check with your doctor to see if you have an easily reversible deficiency. Certain herbs are natural anti-depressants. CBD oil has done wonders to increase my focus, calm anxiety, and relieve nagging aches and pains. I’ve tried several, but by far the best/most easily absorb-able one is from Lion Cura.
Flood your body with endorphins. Commit to some form of daily exercise. This is a tough one for many, myself included. I’ve learned from past failures that structure and accountability is essential for me; I now pay someone to push me to the breaking point every week.
Reward progress, but not in ways that encourage old habits. For example, I’ve promised myself that once I reach certain fitness goals – a challenging but not impossible task – I will reward myself not with sweets, but instead with Bluetooth ear buds to make future workouts less cumbersome.
Do something new. Bonus points if it is something outside your comfort zone. Double bonus points if this involves writing.
Speaking of writing, for the first time in over a year I am excited to sit at the keyboard again.
Over to you. What things do you do to resist becoming an empathic sponge? In which ways do you choose happiness? Have these things helped you become a more enthusiastic and productive writer?
[coffee]
Kim (she/her) has an M.A. in English from Iowa State University. She writes mainly historical fiction, though has also contributed non-fiction articles to historical and Arts and Crafts publications in both the United States and Canada. She has just finished The Oak Lovers, a novel based on the rather colorful life of her great-grandfather, landscape painter Carl Ahrens.
Dang, I’m glad my daughter never tagged me with the “well, YOU aren’t happy” protest. I probably would have developed a sudden case of laryngitis. That said, your thought-provoking post is prompting a couple of observations:
First, particularly in the US, we have a habit of considering happiness to be a right. After all, it’s in the Constitution, right? But here’s the thing: we have to read the fine print. It doesn’t say we have a right to happiness; it says we have the right to pursue it. That might be worth pointing out to your daughter. Although it might seem like a disappointment, it’s still WAY better than the conditions many civilizations deal with. And it brings her closer to a simple reality: yes, life can be hard. Sometimes really, really hard. But it can also be incredibly rewarding, and full of interesting, exciting experiences, if you position yourself to be available for those experiences. They won’t happen by accident – well, sometimes they might. But much of being “lucky” is a matter of doing the hard work and preparation necessary to be ready when an opportunity presents itself.
Second, to your point of “do something new” – which I strongly agree with. A possible corollary to this point might be “identify what isn’t working, and change it.” A few months ago, something happened in my professional life that got me really upset. I stewed about it for days, and had a long come-to-Jebuz talk with myself. In looking at the problem, I identified a core component that was really bugging me, and I hypothesized to myself that maybe I shouldn’t place so much importance on that aspect of the situation.
“But,” I argued to myself, “that’s a core part of my personality.”
“Yeah,” I responded to Argumentative Keith, “how’s that working out for you?”
It was a Eureka moment for me. Just because something had been a part of my standard operating procedure for years (hell, for decades) didn’t necessarily make it a good thing. I realized this core part of my personality, which had driven much of what I accomplished, could also be responsible for a LOT of the unhappiness I’ve experienced over the years. And there and then I set about working on modifying that aspect of my personality. And sometimes, I think, that’s all we CAN do. Sometimes we really can’t change a situation, but what we CAN change is how we look at that situation, and what we do – and think – about it.
All great in theory, I know, but way harder to put into practice. It’s now nine months later, and I’m making significant progress. The new thought processes and behaviors I’m trying to adopt are coming a little more naturally, but I still need to surround myself with reminders.
I guess my longwinded point is that we are all works in progress, and the process of correctly aligning ourselves for maximum happiness is an ongoing one. But hey, at least we have the freedom to keep tweaking those processes.
Thanks for a post that makes us ponder the hard questions!
Hi Keith,
Wow! Thank you for such a thought-provoking comment.
Yes, my daughter did throw a real gut-punch with that line. She, too, is empathic, and we are especially sensitive to each other. It can be a challenge to raise a kid who can read your every mood so easily. As she’s gotten older she has become bold in calling “bullshit” when she knows I’m being less than truthful. There can be no pretending to be happy around here. I have to genuinely BE happy, or she will know it.
This means I have to put in the work. I believe it will be worth the effort.
You brought up an excellent point that people seem to believe happiness is a right, that is it something we are entitled to. I will have to remember to use that line about only having the right to pursue happiness and save it for a moment when it will have the most impact. Thank you for that!
Oh my goodness, Keith! You’re blowing my mind here.
“But here’s the thing: we have to read the fine print. It doesn’t say we have a right to happiness; it says we have the right to pursue it.”
BOOM.
“But much of being “lucky” is a matter of doing the hard work and preparation necessary to be ready when an opportunity presents itself.”
My husband once got a fortune cookie that said more or less the same thing. He saved it for years. (Possibly still has it somewhere…)
Amazing yes. Leave it at that.
Great post, Kim. I’d add something, but Keith stole my words this morning, so I’ll leave the stage to him. LOL.
Hugs
Dee
Award-winning author of A Keeper’s Truth
Hi Denise,
Yeah, he covered a lot of bases there! :-) Thanks for chiming in.
Thank you, Kim, for talking about Empathy, a Gift that often feels like a curse. I’ve learned through experience that resisting my empathic tendencies creates the most pain. The trick is to protect oneself, and you describe many of those ways in your post. Self care is self-empathy! Empathy makes us good writers, good listeners, and good caretaker of others. Thank you for the reminder that we need to take care of ourselves. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
Hi Susan,
Yes, empathy definitely can feel like a curse at times, though I wouldn’t trade that gift, since it does make me a better person and a better writer.
Thank you for commenting!
Hey Kim – As I type, I’m looking out the window at a snow squall. It’s a brief intensification of a trend that’s been going on for days. It’s almost 11 am (EST), and after gaining about four new inches overnight, we’ve gotten about four inches of snow since Gidget and I shoveled at 8am. It’s 17°F with a wind chill in the single digits. They’re forecasting a total of around a foot of new accumulation by Tuesday morning. The forecast for Wednesday is a *high* of -9°F.
Why am I telling you about the weather? Well, an old friend and neighbor of ours dropped by last night… And proceeded to bitch and whine about the weather. For what seemed like hours, but was probably more like twenty minutes. I kept thinking that this is winter on the shore of a Great Lake. It’s just not unusual. I tend to find winter weather beautiful and fun for the most part. But even if you dislike it, why bitch? (In her defense, at least she brought wine… And lasagna!)
Here’s what got me thinking about our visit. At some point, with the topic of the weather truly beaten to dead-horse status, she turned her sights on me and my writing journey. She knows I’ve had a manuscript out on submission for some time. Long enough for even a non-writer to suspect that it’s getting to be too long. I didn’t really want to talk about that, and she misinterpreted my reluctance and deflection. This friend who’d spent the first part of our visit complaining about something over which we have no control then had the… uh – gumption? – to tell me that I needed to be more positive about my pub status. She even started offering up potential positive affirmations for me to use. Things like, “I can see myself on my book tour, signing copies of my beautiful book. I believe my book can be on the Times bestseller list.”
It was somewhere between the weather and affirmations that I realized it. I’m not sure going on a book tour would lead to happiness. Same about the NYT list. I mean, I get that there would be moments of incredible joy, and I would gain terrific instance of accomplishment that I could stow away.
But I have a few of those (hey, I’ve accomplished stuff). And as nice as it is having them, accomplishments don’t lead to long-term contentment. Not really. Seeking the next one will loom large in no time, no matter how validating the last.
It’s not due to the long odds/unlikeliness of their occurring that I don’t want to focus on things like book tours or having a bestseller. It’s because that’s not where my *attainable* bliss is. That sort of focus is more of a disruption than an enhancement of my ongoing fulfillment or contentment.
When I look back on my writing journey, I see times – down to specific days or even moments – when I was truly feeling content and fulfilled. And you know what? Among those moments, there are quite a few that occurred during extended and extreme winter weather – hunkered down in my office, feeling snowed-in, like I’m isolated in the wilderness. For me, no where to go and no way to get there is a good thing. It provides an atmosphere that tends to get the story juices flowing.
And today can be one of those days! It’s utterly attainable. All I have to do is open the doc and start. I suppose my weather/neighbor story is sort of a long-winded version of a writerly serenity prayer. But the choices really are still ours to make.
You’re a wonderful mom, Kim. And a gifted writer. You’re making excellent choices, and setting a wonderful example. Wishing you many moments of contentment and fulfillment (minus the blizzard, if that’s not your thang. ;) Good timing. Thanks for enhancing my outlook.
Vaughn, you and Keith, man. Speaking right into my soul.
And as nice as it is having them, accomplishments don’t lead to long-term contentment. Not really. Seeking the next one will loom large in no time, no matter how validating the last.
Howdy, stranger! Thanks, Kristan. :) Great to see you. Hope you are well.
Kim, this is so timely. My son, who just turned 21, vented at me recently about how my generation really screwed up the world and as a result he has no future. I couldn’t really disagree (the part about screwing up the world), but I said you can only control what you do and it’s up to you to work hard to secure a better future. And I added that all baby boomers are not bad and some of us are working to create a better world. I agree with all your solutions, especially not letting negative people drag you down. I hope you are well and happy belated birthday to your daughter.
Hi Chris,
Ouch to that comment about your generation screwing up the world. My generation has made it’s share of mistakes, too, I think!
Her birthday isn’t until July. She’s a very young college student, which is part of why she feels out of place. Most students at this community college are in their 20’s, work full time, and only show up for class. It’s hard for her to make friends.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
I find it makes a huge difference in how I cope with the vicissitudes of life whether I let myself get locked into a problem-focused viewpoint – and I’ve found that to be a descending spiral – or whether I employ my imagination to get a wider, freer viewpoint on the negative situation, allowing me to approach it with a mind and emotions not under its influence.
I’ve found stories – fictional or not – to be a great help with the latter approach, and that is part of why I write.
Hi Deborah,
I agree that a problem-focused viewpoint can definitely lead down a dark path, particularly when there are several problems occurring simultaneously. That is certainly what happened to me, made worse by taking on the problems of everyone around me as well. That’s so hard not to do when I live surrounded by bursts of negative energy.
Great quote from Gandalf!
I don’t think I’d ever noticed the link between writing and being empathic before, but you’ve definitely got something there.
Have you ever read The Ear, the Eye and the Arm by Nancy Farmer? One of the characters – genetically mutated detectives with special powers – has the power of empathy, which can be useful but is also a vulnerability he needs to protect.
Hi Vaughn,
Thank you so much for this. I definitely didn’t feel like a good mom when she threw that gut-punch at me. My first thought was that I’ve set a terrible example. My second was that I need to do better. In her case, I have to GENUINELY and ACTIVELY do better, or she will know it, and she’s not afraid to call “bullshit.”
I miss having an actual winter because of many of the things you describe. In fact, I savor the days here when it is cold and stormy because they are so rare. (Our houses aren’t insulated for it, though, which kind of sucks.)
I would have wanted to smack your visitor by the end of that conversation. You don’t write for fame and riches. You write because you have a story to tell and the simple act of getting it down brings happiness. This is why I have faith you will succeed.
In my visitor’s defense (and on the minuscule chance that she somehow runs across my comment), I do know that her heart is in the right place. She absolutely wants the best for me, and I appreciate her for it.
Thanks for your faith, Kim! Know that it’s wholeheartedly returned.
Thanks for this, Kim. When I see your name, I always think of your photo, you in the sunshine, looking out. From a horse barn? In the country? Maybe I’m imagining, but we do that with photos and sometimes we need to turn inward and examine our own photo and what we are presenting to the world. My daughter is in her forties and though she is strong, I know her world is not perfect–not yet. But then I realize that’s life and she has a fulfilling job and a good husband and much to be thankful for. Comparisons to some concept are never good–whether you are doing it to yourself or someone you love. I’m still writing and hoping to publish. I’m still eager to look out that window at the sunshine. Today is a good day to do that. THANKS.
That’s funny, Beth, because I did have horses at a kid, and a horse barn is still a happy place.
I don’t know that anyone’s life is perfect. If we strive for that, we are bound to be disappointed. A fulfilling job and a good husband are both fantastic things for your daughter to have. :-)
Definitely a good day to be in the sunshine!
Much wisdom here. Thanks for opening up.
Thank you!
Kim–About empathic overload and how to deal with it I have nothing to add. About how to answer your daughter’s preemptive angst over life’s failure to deliver on the happiness quotient, I have this:
Anyone who claims to have pursued happiness and caught it is either heavily medicated or delusional. Happiness is not a product, it’s a by-product. For adults, it most often results from meaningful work, work that gives you the feeling of mastery and control, a sense of competence and accomplishment. Anyone who finds or makes this kind of work for herself is in a good place to be happy. Writers are often among such people. Their chief rivals in the happiness department are race car drivers and bass fishermen.
(and, to avoid any charge of neglect or insensitivity shown toward bass fisherwomen, them too)
Definite food for thought, there, Barry. I know that when the work isn’t going well, I’m not in nearly as good a place! It can be a vicious cycle – overwhelm leading to being blocked, which leads to more overwhelm.
I’m just soaking up all the wisdom nuggets in this post and the comments…
Happiness is not a product, it’s a by-product. For adults, it most often results from meaningful work, work that gives you the feeling of mastery and control, a sense of competence and accomplishment.
Kim,
Thank you for this. I really, really needed it today. <3
You’re welcome, Mike. Hope all is okay with you…
Ahh, that happiness stuff is overrated (says the man often found licking the dank grotto walls of his curtain-drawn mind). But I do think that happiness can be learned, or at least a leaning toward happiness, but as Keith suggests, it’s challenging to overcome some death-grip cores of our personalities.
But it’s worth the effort. Perhaps it’s just doing the work, and forgetting the monkey mind, which never minds us. Happiness might be a craft, like writing; a process, not necessarily a result. In the meantime, I’ll keep experiencing all that life stuff: perplexity, resignation, awe, curiosity, befuddlement, desire, pancakes.
Happiness will show up now and then too. Kim, best to you and that dang teenager. I have enough trouble when my cat gives me her ironic look.
Tom,
I have two teenage daughters – ages 13 and 17. Their emotions are, as expected, all over the place. They also see right through it when they think I’m being insincere about something (such as I’m perfectly happy) and will call me on it.
I wouldn’t give up feeling all the emotions. It’s impossible to fully appreciate joy if you never feel its opposite. I just look forward to being able to let other’s people’s negativity bounce off me a bit more. It’s exhausting, and I wasn’t helping myself by remaining in my rut.
That was a great line, btw, about licking the grotto walls of your curtain drawn mind.
Whoo boy, I am glad my daughter is still only two. That sounds like a heavy moment with your daughter, and I admire how you handled it.
Thank you also for bringing it to bear on our writing practices, with solid advice, and fostering such wonderful discussion in the comments!
Yeah, it was certainly heavy, Kristan. I have a lot of those moments because there is no hiding my emotions from her. She has always been able to read me frighteningly well. Put two empaths together, and…yeah.
Neither of my daughters pull punches. They are both teenagers and this is one of the perils for parents during those years. I have to say that there are a lot of joys as well. I genuinely love being around them 99% of the time. I love this age.
Ah kids and their incredible honesty. What a gift you have there, Kim.
I appreciate people who challenge my mindset, especially when I’m in a numbing rut or have sunk into a pity party. One such person is a Dr. Doug Lisle. He’s an evolutionary psychologist.
During a recent podcast he generated a taxonomy of problems that I try to remind myself of daily. (I insert a weekly quote in my bullet journal but his words have earned the spot for the last MONTH.)
1. Bullsh*t problems–things you could accomplish if you gave them sufficient time, money, and attention. i.e. if it was do-it or die, you’d get it done.
2. Everything else
He submits, and I find it to be true, that most everything lies within #1. And as for #2, if you truly can’t do anything about them, why fret? Just get on with adapting as best you can.
It’s a gruff way of rephrasing the Serenity Prayer, IMHO, but I like it for its bluntness.
Their honesty can be absolutely brutal, but sometimes that can be just the push I need to make changes in my life. I’m prioritizing and working through the b.s. issues now. The first one is getting fit. I know myself enough to know that I can’t count on myself to exercise at home, and that simply going it alone at the gym probably won’t cut it either. It was time to invest in the help of a trainer. She is fantastic. I already see a big improvement in strength and balance.
Your goal and solution sounds fantastic, Kim. I suspect you’re reaping the benefits in terms of energy, too. I’m so happy for you. <3
Oh, definitely! I used to dread going to the gym, but now that I’ve been going daily for a couple of weeks, I look forward to it.
I feel happiest when I’m “on task” which means doing the creative work I love, but sometimes fear–painting and writing. Getting to the gym several times a week is my number one priority as I think it is the best medicine there is and I’m not happy when I don’t feel well. Being strong has really boosted my confidence. So for me, a combination of self-care (working out consistently) and focusing on my creative work leaves me feeling content and happy. I have good friends to share these activities with, as well. And I have to say, Facebook is a dis-satisfier and never leaves me feeling fulfilled or happy. Basically a time-suck.