The Editor’s Clinic: Focus on what’s important.
By Dave King | July 17, 2018 |
This month we’re once again looking at an opening passage. The situation certainly tense enough – a woman with two small children facing up to her need to escape from a physically abusive husband. And the author makes skillful use of her techniques to create that tension – note how the narrator, Nikki, is sensitive to every time Jake touches her.
But the author also gets in the way of the drama of the situation in a couple of different ways. So take a look at the editing and judge for yourself. I’ll offer my own comments below.
As always, you’re welcome to submit your own work to The Writer Unboxed stable of editors. You can find the guidelines here.
The house lights dimmed. The curtain lifted. [1] He Jake still hadn’t arrived by the time the houselights dimmed and the curtain lifted. If he would only stayed away, Nikki might would have a chance to gather her strength, to think. She nuzzled Seth’s baby fine hair as he cuddled on her lap, his small hand twisting her long brunette hair for comfort.
The opening chords of the “Sugar Plum Fairy” played, and on stage, her pretty little daughter, Kasey, led the four to six-year-old girls, all dressed in sherbet-colored tutus across the stage. AThe girl in the lime tutu turned the wrong way, and dear Kasey stepped out of line to push her back into place, quickly returning to her spot to continue the routine. She had Jake’s outsized confidence.
Then For a moment Kasey paused, frowning, followed quickly by a smile that lit up her Kasey’s face and . Sshe waved to the side of the auditorium. Nikki followed her gaze, and tThere was Jake stood with his white Stetson in hand, leaning against the wall, white Stetson in hand, wearing a silly grin as big as Texas. He threw their daughter a kiss, Tthen cast a devilish smile at Nikki, like nothing out of the ordinary had happened when taken place as she was rushinged to get the kids dressed.
Kasey’s group finished, and Jake excused his way down the row of seats. [3] As he passed in front of the women, they smiled, as if enjoying a glimpse of his butt in tight Levi’s and his broad shoulders in a white western shirt. He wore a practiced casual look with sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his caramel colored hair combed David Beckham’s style with loads of product. At one time, she’d been proud to be on his arm. She, the tom-boy prosecutor, chosen by the spectacularly good-looking cop.
JakeHe rode the cushioned auditorium seat down to a sitting position and. Appearing happy with himself, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. His breath smelled of minty Scope overlaying and not quite hiding a layer of and Captain Morgan rum. “How’s my pretty wife?”
He didn’t really care. If he did, he would change back to the man she married. [4] “Glad you made it for Kasey.”
“Of course I’m here. Why wouldn’t I beWhat were you thinking?”
She’d love to tell him, but it wouldn’t make a difference. Nothing did. He even quit couples counseling saying it was just pick on Jake time. Her best friend,
Lex Ann, sitting next to Nikki on the other side, rested her hand over Nikki’s hand and squeezed. Nikki had no idea how she’d have made it so far endured except for Lex Ann.
Jake leaned forward, resting his hand on Nikki’s knee, but his hand lost its hold and skidded off. He‘d had more than one Captain. laughed, a bit too loud, “Hi, Lex Ann, Brodie, what a great night.”
TheA knot of older ballerinas walked on stage. The lady in the row in front of them turned. “Shush.”
Jake smiled at the womanapologetically and squeezed Nikki’s hand, like they shared some joke. Like it wasn’t just two hours ago that he’d They shared nothing good these days. He didn’t even have remorse for earlier tonight when he pounded on the bathroom door as she watchedso hard the wood splintereding at its hinges, fearing he would break through, Like she hadn’t hugged Kasey in a corner of the bathroom, praying the door wouldn’t give. Like Kasey hadn’t been screaming, “G go away Daddy!”.
And that was when she realized. It was time. It was past time. She couldn’t delay any longer, but he couldn’t know until she was gone.[5]
But it would take planning, work, time. And he couldn’t know anything about it until she was already gone. So she patted his hand and forced a smile, as if she were in on the joke.
The audience applauded, startling her back to the present, and she joined in. She clapped wildly as if she’d enjoyed their dance. Brodie, Lex Ann’s husband, blew his best ballpark whistle.
After Jake finished applauding, he draped returned his arm around to her shoulder again, and . He squeezed her in something part faux a sign of affection or and part possession. It was hard to tell these days. She no longer cared.
TMadam Elise, the ballet instructor thanked the audience and dismissed the girls. They ran to their parents, Kasey leading the pack. She climbed on Jake’s lap, kneeling as, her vibrant blue eyes, staringed into his of that same vivid hue. Kasey had obviously forgotten about the bathroom tonight’s incident. , sShe always did, b. But who knew what kind of marks he was leaving behindfor how much longer? “Did you like it Daddy? Did you?”
“You were great kiddo. In fact, so great I’m taking you to Dairy Queen.”
Kasey squealed in delight and gave him a big kiss. Then she jumped off his lap and took her mother’s hand. “Mommy, did you like it.”
“You were magnificent.”
Jake pulled Kasey back beside him and leaned across Nikki to get Brodie and Lex Ann’s attention. His hand once again wound up on buttressed upon her knee. “Hey guys, how’s DQ sound?”
Nikki’s stomach knotted knowing what was comingthe scene that awaited. Jake claiming drink didn’t affect him like it did others, insisting he drive everyone in his new pickup. HerShe refusing to ride with him in his condition. He unbending in his Him refusingal in turn to ride shotgun in a soccer mom’s SUV.
Lex Ann’s two daughters arrived. Brodie said, “You girls were fabulous. How about ice cream to celebrate?”
Their faces ignited with joy. “I want a blizzard.” The older said, “Strawberry shake.” Brodie saluted his lieutenant, half in jest, they’d been friends since junior high, but as of yesterday, Jake had become his boss, chief of criminal investigations.
Brodie put on his Stetson. “Move on out girls, DQ awaits.”
NOTES:
- Lead with the fact that he’s not there. It would be what Nikki is most concerned with, and it alerts readers to what’s most important in the scene.
- Having Kasey go through more than one emotion is a bit distracting.
- Don’t frontload your story with description. I think the “devilish smile” actually gives readers enough information about Jake to more or less picture him accurately. You can’t pull off a devilish smile unless you’re good looking and know it.
- Interior monologue is an excellent way to show how your narrator reacts to stuff, but you don’t want to interrupt the dialogue too often.
- Note that this kind of sounds like she’s both realizing for the first time that she needs a plan and that she already has a plan in place.
The first thing I’ve tried to do with my editing is to loosen up the language. It’s often more formally structured than it should be, with a bland vocabulary and an almost academic voice. “. . . appearing happy with himself . . . “ “They shared nothing good these days.” “. . . buttressed upon her knee.” These are the sorts of awkwardness that jump out at you when you read the passage aloud.
I’ve also tried to cut some of the information that the author is packing into these first couple of pages. Granted, it can add to the sense of danger to know that Jake is a police officer and is now the boss to Nikki’s best friend’s husband. It emphasizes his power over her life. But at this point, I think that what’s going to suck readers into the story is being in Nikki’s head at this moment. And she doesn’t really have any good reason to think about Jake’s profession now.
Finally, I’ve tried to clarify a bit just what her situation is. It’s certainly clear that she needs to leave and that her life is at risk. But it’s not clear just what flavor that risk comes in. Are readers experiencing the moment when she first realizes that she has to completely upend her life and confront her dangerous husband? Or are they with her as she struggles to hide a secret plan, already in place, until she can put it into action? Either is dramatic, but the author needs to pick one and hit it a bit harder. I’ve chosen the “moment of truth” version, but your mileage may vary.
In fact, if your mileage does vary, I’d love to hear about it. If you were editing this passage, how would you handle the situation?
[coffee]
Dave King has been editing for nearly 40 years now. He is co-author of Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, a former contributing editor to Writer’s Digest, and has contributed more than 100 articles over the last 12 years to Writer Unboxed. He lives on 25 acres in rural Massachusetts with his business partner and wife, Ruth Julian, who also edits his work. His other day job, at least on Sundays, is as the organist at a Lutheran church in Greenfield, Mass.
I liked this a lot. However, my reading got entangled with so many proper names. Jake, Nikki, Seth?, Seth’s baby, Kasey, Brodie, Lex Ann. I think it would be nice to remove some of the mentions right at thr start.
I also didn’t know what Captain Morgan was, but I don’t live the US.
Good job both author and David!
I agree with Silva. I would have left the “rum” after Captain Morgan.
The connotation of “buttressed on her knee” added a nuance that the change lost. Other than that, I agreed with everything in the edit. And I’m intrigued to read the rest of the story. Good job, author and editor.
Intriguing start (Nikki’s conflict well described) and effective editing (overmuch description condensed). I especially like the way Jake “rode” the auditorium seat down, like the would-be cowboy he appears to be, and the introduction of the bathroom battle early, so we can see how high the stakes are.
I too would have identified Captain Morgan as rum. Also, I would have identified Brodie earlier as Lex Ann’s husband (there’s a fine opportunity to do that a few lines up). It took me a second reading to realize that Brodie, not Jake, has issued the final offer to go to Dairy Queen. Both men wear Stetsons, which adds somewhat to the confusion while we are still getting used to them. At that point I would add an internal sigh of relief from Nikki as she realized that Jake is not going to drive the whole gang.
I am most puzzled by Nikki’s notion that Kasey has “already forgotten” about the bathroom incident less than 24 hours earlier (“she always did” — really??), and by Kasey’s leaping into her father’s lap in such a carefree manner. If this is evidence to Nikki that Kasey “always” has such a short memory for horrible domestic drama, it is not plausible to me. Nikki’s thought that Kasey probably has invisible marks (courtesy of the editor) is a good change but still not convincing enough. I would rather see Kasey overjoyed by her performance but shying away a little from her father, just perceptibly enough for Nikki to register her response–and perhaps this will be her “come to realize” moment.
As to Kasey forgetting the earlier attack, I think it’s plausible if Jack always follows up an attack by playing Lord Bountiful (Dairy Queen, anyone?). It’s a little hard to judge without the context of the rest of the manuscript, so I didn’t feel comfortable suggesting the change.
You’re right about the large number of characters thrown at the reader all at once, but I’m afraid they’re necessary. One of the things that makes Nikki’s situation dangerous is that she has two young children to protect. And one of the signs that Jack is threatening is that he appears normal in front of their friends. Unless the author were to rewrite the scene from the beginning (and that might be the solution — it’s hard to tell without knowing the rest of the story), you need a fair number of characters to make that dynamic work.
I appreciate what you’re saying about the Captain Morgan, but I thought to leave out the “rum” to show that Nikki was way too familiar with Jack’s drinking habits. She didn’t have to spell it out for herself.
Although, as always, your mileage may vary.
I agree with leaving it as Captain Morgan. This is an American book with American terminology. When reading a British book I don’t always understand the local references and I’m sure my friends don’t know all the Australian slang in books I give them from home, but it doesn’t prevent them from enjoying the story. The inference to alcohol is obvious, or will become clear in time.
Dave, your edits help this opening passage, but there are some larger issues. Warning: I tend to be frank in my assessment.
Opening in a public forum reduces the tension and is familiar for suburbia. Unfortunately, this is a common situation and we need to ratchet up the tension. The evil cowboy cop, the good sidekick, the damsel in distress, and the sad little child are stereotypes. Not that this is an unworthy situation, but it requires something new for the reader to engage. See how Faith McNulty did it in The Burning Bed.
The opening line doesn’t do much. But it offers the opportunity to add tension and mystery. An opening line like this might help:
Nikki reached into her purse to feel the small pistol one more time. Of course Jake was late. This would be the late time.
Now we have tension. Why a pistol at her child’s recital? What the heck did Jake do” What the heck is going on.
I hope this gives you some ideas.
It does, Brian, but . . .
I disagree about the lack of tension in a public forum. A lot of what Nikki is apparently facing is the difference between Jack in public and Jack in private. That contrast is especially tension inducing if she is planning to leave him and needs to keep that fact a secret because no one will believe he’s being abusive. And adding the gun does increase the tension, but it also rewrites Nikki’s situation and, to an extent, her character. That’s a more fundamental change than I’m comfortable making.
Hi Dave. As in the past, you offer valuable lessons with this edited passage.
In paragraph 4, you delete much that needs to go. But I wonder whether “she the tomboy prosecutor” isn’t the reason for the higher level of diction used by the character. The class difference within this couple would seem important, especially when the prosecutor thinks of herself as having been chosen instead of choosing.
There’s also a reference in paragraph 3 to the recent bathroom incident occurring “as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened when she was getting the kids ready.” I think “as though nothing had happened” following “devilish grin” is more likely to pique the reader’s interest.
These exercises offered by professional editors provide a true, value-added service at Writer Unboxed. Thanks again.
Well, thanks, Barry.
I think your edit of the first mention of the bathroom scene is an improvement — it is more intriguing.
And while you may be right about the class differences — it’s a little hard to tell without seeing the rest of the manuscript — I’d still like to see the language loosened up a little bit. The problem is less that it’s sophisticated as that it lacks personalty. And as any Nero Wolfe fan knows, people with clear diction can also have distinctive voice.
I like the story thus far and the editorial suggestions. To me, however, several questions arose upon first reading. I feel that the first reading impression is the most important because it most accurately reflects the reader’s experience with the text.
If I am understanding correctly, Nikki and Jake had a gigantic, potentially violent episode earlier in the evening before the dance recital. Presumably, Jake stormed out and went to a bar and Nikki drove the kids to the recital hall. At the recital when he touches her, why doesn’t she flinch involuntarily and fight to keep her good friends from noticing her reaction? Why don’t we see Nikki feeling painful pressure that others would not be able to observe? Why doesn’t she fight to maintain a neutral mask while internally fuming and being frightened? In short, what I would like to see are more of Nikki’s internal thoughts and feelings. As presently written, her reactions to her violent husband’s touch feel a little off and inauthentic.
I agree with the previous comments regarding the child’s reactions. Children raised around violence do not easily forget it. It makes them leery and cautious. It might help to explain Kasey’s reaction to her father if Nikki thinks about how Kasey loves her daddy desperately and will forgive him anything. This is true of all children and most definitely of children raised in abusive situations. Kasey might also hesitate in an appearance of evaluating her father’s mood before she crawls onto his lap seeking his praise.
This story has excellent potential for a good piece of women’s fiction with an important message. Best wishes to the author!
Hey, Linda. I’ve responded to your suggestions below. My answer is a little expansive, and I thought it shouldn’t be buried in a subthread.
I’m perplexed by the use of “a” and “the”. (In this example, changing “a” girl into “the” girl). In some instances, “a” suggests something or someone unfamiliar to the POV character, and “the” suggests familiarity. Anyone care to clarify?
Oh. Note that it’s “the lime tutu,” which implies only one girl was wearing that color. “A girl” implies there were two or more. I just went with “the” to make the numbers match.
I enjoy how these Editor’s Clinics draw a variety of responses from readers. it’s also instructive — but also frustrating — that experienced, professional editors can have different ideas on what makes for effective storytelling. It’s been my experience that it’s important to entertain opinions from all sides, but ultimately your story has to be your story.
I’ve found that, in my most productive editor/client relationships, the clients take about 70% of my suggestions. I start to get suspicious when they listen to everything I say.
Editing is more art than science. Check out my response below.
I can see the benefit of the changes made and how it makes it easier to understand. On your first change when you change the He to his name. According to the author, his name is Jake, not Jack. Otherwise, everything seems fine. The question on Captain Morgan and whether or not to leave off rum, does the brand matter? Couldn’t it just say rum, or is the name important? Thanks to both author and editor for a great learning experience.
The name of the rum could be important for a number of reasons that are in the author’s head. Perhaps she used it because it will come back later in an “Aha!” moment. Maybe drinking spiced rum says something about the person who drinks it. As an editor always says to me, details details.
The Captain makes several kinds of rum. not all spiced!
You’re right about the “Jake,” thanks — I’ve corrected it.
I’m not a rum drinker myself, but I assumed the brand name said something about Jake’s character. It conveyed a little more information than the generic “rum.” Also, having Nikki recognize not just the presence of alcohol but the brand name from the smell alone shows that this is a longstanding habit of Jake’s.
Great beginning to a story and good revisions. Lex Ann knows, but the rest of the world thinks he’s the best.
I read this as Nikki FINALLY realizing she has to escape. I think she would react more when he does arrive.
The daughter would be glad to see him, bit I doubt she would jump into his lap all happy. Maybe tomorrow or the day after.
I read it the same way, yes. And you may be right about the daughter’s response. I was a little hesitant to change it because it would involve making a change to the daughter’s character, and I don’t know enough of the context to be willing to do that.
See my note below as to the art of editing.
This has been a terrific discussion so far. And I think it shows two things about the art of editing. The first is that editors don’t always agree about which direction to take a manuscript. The editor’s craft is knowing how different types of changes will alter how your characters and story come across. That’s something that all competent editors share.
But the art of editing is in choosing which changes to make — how to use that universal craft to shape the story. And there is plenty of room for disagreement. A few of you were uncomfortable with how close Kasey was with her father, given the violent scene earlier in the evening. And you may be right. My take was that it depended on how often Jake got that violent, how much Nikki shielded Kasey, and how Jake reacted afterwards. Because of these factors, making a change here would have meant making a change to Kasey’s character, and I wasn’t comfortable going that far given what little we know of the overall situation. But I may be too conservative here.
The other lesson is that editors miss stuff. I think Linda Pennell is right. Given what we already know about Nikki and how she feels about Jake, she should react more viscerally when he touches her. She should physically shy away from him, or at least fight the urge more openly. I slipped up in missing that.
This why you should always take an editor’s suggestions as nothing more than suggestions. We don’t always get it right.