Flog a Pro: would you pay to turn the first page of this bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | April 19, 2018 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page. In a sense, time is money for a literary agent working her way through a raft of submissions, and she is spending that resource whenever she turns a page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for April 15, 2018. How strong is the opening page—would this narrative, all on its own, have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter.
Wylie Frye was used to smelling of smoke and that was long before he became a criminal of sorts.
Wood smoke permeated his clothing, his hair, and his full black beard to the point that he didn’t notice it anymore. He was only reminded of his particular odor when drinkers on the next barstool or patrons standing in line at the Kum-N-Go convenience store leaned away from him and turned their heads to breathe untainted air.
But he didn’t mind. He’d smelled worse at times in his life, and wood smoke wasn’t so bad.
On cold nights like this, after he’d used the front-end loader to deliver bucket after bucket of sawdust to the burner from a small mountain of it near the mill, he could relax in the burner shack and let the warmth of the fire and the sweet blanket of smoke engulf him.
Wylie sat at a metal desk under a light fixture mounted in the wall behind him and stared at the dark screen of his cell phone. It was two-forty-five in the morning and his visitor was fifteen minutes late. Wylie was starting to fidget.
He watched the screen because he knew he wouldn’t hear the phone chime with an incoming text over the roar from the fire outside. In the rusting shack where Wylie sat, fifty feet from the base of the burner, it sounded like he was inside a jet engine. The west wall—which (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here.
This is The Disappeared (A Joe Pickett Novel) by C.J. Box. Was this opening page compelling?
My vote: No.
This book received a strong average of 4.5 stars out of 5 on Amazon. I’m guessing the author and the editor thought the opening line referring to “a criminal of sorts” would be a strong hook. Well, for this reader, it was just enough to get me to read the second paragraph.
The hook quickly dulled, though, suffocated by details about the smoky smell the character emanates. As the page develops, the character becomes anxious—but we have no idea why. I’ve seen this before—a writer thinking that tension in the character equates with tension in the reader. That has never worked for me. What works for me are story questions about what’s happening or the character. Other than wondering what a criminal of sorts is and what is he waiting for, there are none. And, with no stakes or other information, for me those do not add up to wondering what will happen next. I’ll bet you that Wylie’s smoky smell, so carefully described here for a full paragraph, does not figure into the story. So why use up my valuable time with that instead of getting into the story?
The blurb on the New York Times listing told me that in this book a Wyoming game warden teams up with his daughter to find a missing British businesswoman. That sounds like an interesting story—too bad there’s no hint of it on the first page. Your thoughts?
You’re invited to a flogging—your own You see the insights fresh eyes bring to the performance of bestseller first pages, so why not do the same with the opening of your WIP? Submit your prologue/first chapter to my blog, Flogging the Quill and I’ll give you my thoughts and even a little line editing if I see a need. And the readers of FtQ are good at offering constructive notes, too. Hope to see you there.
To submit, email your first chapter or prologue (or both) as an attachment to me, and let me know if it’s okay to use your first page and to post the complete chapter.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
Well now, I voted yes. I can tell this is a commercial novel. This is not the main character so probably this is a menace type opening. A thriller. Most likely.
However the author’s pace and control are very good. Character intro is a tough way to start, especially when there’s not a lot to like. Here, there is just enough. The sawmill and wood smoke details quickly bring this character and place alive. The story questions are planted.
C.J. Box has earned my trust, too, you have to account for that. This will be a popcorn read, but if I’m in the mood for popcorn this bucket might come with some butter and salt.
I voted yes because I was curious about who he was waiting for and why.
Another yes here. I was intrigued by the “criminal of sorts” (not hardboiled; hint of yes/no/maybe) and I liked the efficient characterization and evocation of setting. At this point I don’t need to know who he is waiting for and why; I already know him well enough to wait with him.
I voted no. I didn’t like the flow of the language and felt it needed to be tighter and better edited. This tasted like stale popcorn to me.
Agreed.
I don’t always agree with you, but this time I do, though for different reasons. The more indie fiction I read in my critique groups, the more I appreciate being located in time and space at the beginning of scenes–and the more I’m aware of this need in my own work. Here, we get all the “wood smoke” discussion before learning where this guy is and why, and why he smells of wood smoke. At first I thought he was in a bar, but no. He’s floating. The confusion would annoy me enough to stop me from going on. Not knowing this author, I’d expect more such clumsiness going forward. That said, if the opening had been better structured, I wouldn’t mind waiting to see who was coming and why.
I voted yes because I just read this book about a month ago and recognized the first line. I’ve read enough of CJ Box’s novels to have become a fan. His writing is spare and even clunky sometimes, but he’s a darn good storyteller. And he’s created a world that I like to immerse myself in. Plus I have a serious crush on the bad-boy master falconer who comes and goes throughout these tales. If I didn’t already know his work and was reading this cold, I would probably still vote yes because I’d want to know who’s call old Wylie was waiting for. Wylie sounds hapless and none-too-bright and yet he’s paying attention here. He’s scared, and that makes me curious.
I voted no. The opening was boring – I found myself drifting. I really didn’t care what the guy smelled like, definitely not for an entire paragraph.
I get what Maas is saying and I’ve seen the technique, I guess I just don’t appreciate that particular approach. The writing itself was fine, but I get tired of reading good writing that wants to meander before actually getting to the story.
I voted yes (and privately, I think this group is getting to be quite tough! I predicted a balance of “no” and so far it is). I would say this author is taking his time, and as an epic fantasy guy I appreciate that maybe more than others.
Ms. Anderson is quite correct, though, the scene placement was screwed up and I had to break immersion to check that he was not in the bar but his office. I’d have to see why he wasn’t just musing to himself at the sawmill in that warm smoke; but when I realized that, I knew I would have turned the page.
I might submit to the self-flogging contest, but I’m wondering if it should be published-only, or a WiP? Thanks Ray!
I voted no. By the time it got to any semblance of a story question I had already lost interest and no longer cared. I thought there was too much fluff that really wasn’t needed to move the story forward, especially in the first page.
I voted no for some of the reasons already stated above. I think if the paragraph about the bar was slashed it would help. I was not sure where I was for a while.
I have a feeling that if a movie had opened with this scene, it would have been fine. I just didn’t care for the way it was written. It was hard to picture and no story questions beyond “Who is he waiting for?” as her stares at the screen.
I would pass on this one The writing was clunky and the discussion of wood smoke versus other smells boring. I had a hard time placing the action. Did it take place in the Kum-N-Go? His workplace? Some other location? Too many references to too many places before settling on one.
I voted No. Move this a little further down in the story and I’m okay with it. I think I needed something different first because this seemed to be all about the smoke and I got bored waiting for it to end so I could figure out more about ‘something’ about this story or character than this topic.
I vote no. I happen to like the smell of wood smoke so the opening didn’t ring entirely true for me, plus there wasn’t enough that was interesting about the character that made me want to know more.
I voted yes but only barely. I could do without the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Like Virginia said in her comment, it took too long for us to find out where Wylie is. I voted yes because of the good first sentence and the question the author raised about why in the world is Wylie so nervous, and what is he waiting on?
I got choked up on all the smoke filling the space, that it was hard to read. My eyes are stung and began tearing up. I almost didn’t make it to the snip. So my vote is an obvious no.
A no from me. The opening line was OK but jumping into backstory in the second sentence killed it. The writing seems amateur. eg. ‘Wylie was starting to fidget.’ If a writer is telling rather than showing at this crucial point in the story, it doesn’t give me much hope for the rest of the book.
I voted no as well. Just didn’t grab me. I’m a fan of stories, not authors.
I do judge a book by its cover. This one is designed well but is as boring as the opening. Man in a truck? It reminded me of the Idaho potato commercials.
When the title (in tiny letters) is lost somewhere under the author’s name (in giant letter) they are selling the author and not the story. That always raises an eyebrow.
I am somewhat ashamed to admit, but I’ll be reading this, because I love the smell of wood smoke.
What I did find confusing, though, is that like Virginia Anderson I understood the setting to be a bar, and only her comment made me go back and re-read the page. I suppose I’d notice on page two, but that’s not how this column works.
Thanks for those columns, Ray!
I’m late to the party but I voted no. I wanted to say yes because I’m most drawn to an author’s ability to use setting/senses and this author did with the wood smoke etc. What the first page lacked for me was tension. Yes, there was an attempt at it with the criminal reference and waiting for someone in the wee hours of morning, but somehow it was insufficient to grab me.