Gettin’ by with a Little Help from Our (Writer) Friends
By Julia Munroe Martin | February 27, 2017 |
Photo by John Crider, Flickr CC
Tomorrow at 9:45 a.m. my phone will ring. I’ll know without looking that it’s “Writer J,” one of my writing accountability partners. We talk every week at the same time. She’s been through the hard times with me when my words wouldn’t come. So two weeks ago when I typed THE END, we celebrated.
Rewind to last year. Summer of 2016. I was in a rocky place with the same work in progress. Not only was I considering abandoning the novel, I was thinking of giving up writing altogether. I muddled through the daily act. Most days I wrote something. On the others, I either lied to myself. It’s not that bad. Or I despaired. I will never finish another book.
I was signed up to go to the Writer Unboxed Unconference last November, but I felt like an imposter, embarrassed to let on that I was in the middle of a novel I hated. But I went because Writer J and “Writer L” held me accountable, encouraging me to go since I was already signed up.
They were right. To say the UnCon was writing-changing is an understatement. More like life changing.
I met a group of like-minded writers with whom I became close friends. And I met an invaluable writing coach—WU’s own Cathy Yardley. I set goals with Cathy, but she also told me, “All writers write alone, but no writer succeeds that way.” Reach out, she said. We need support as writers or simply as creative people.
We All Need Support
I took her advice to heart. (I take all her advice to heart.)
One of the writers I met at the UnCon (I’ll call her “Writer D”) started a private critique group on Facebook and invited me to join. This is a safe place to talk about writing, to encourage one another, to check in and elicit feedback. To talk about our fears and dreams.
Writer D is now a close friend and new accountability partner. We text almost every day: first thing in the morning and at the end of the day. I’m not sure how I ever got through the day without her, to be honest. She’s supportive but she also challenges me to be my best. Through good and not so good days, we hash it out. “Onward,” Writer D texts me at the beginning of the day. “Onward,” I text back.
Toward evening, I get my daily Facebook message from Writer L—letting me know about her day’s progress. She’s embarking on a new project, and she’s reading background material and planning the story; I text back that I spent three hours revising. Writer L and I have been friends for so many years I can’t remember exactly when or where we met… online somewhere, her blog or mine. We’ve met in person, I know her husband and her kids, her dog and cats. Writer L is an integral part of my daily life.
No Writer Succeeds Alone
According to Wikipedia: An accountability partner is a person who coaches another person… helping them keep a commitment. A University of Scranton study showed that not having an accountability partner to help a person accomplish their goal is one reason 92% of people did not accomplish their New Year’s resolution.
An accountability partner can be a “secret weapon to improve your productivity as a writer,” Lee Laughlin wrote in 2014. Sometimes, my accountability partners and I set goals (word count, time we’ll spend writing, deadlines for drafts); we encourage one another; we remind one another why we love to write; we commiserate when the words won’t flow; sometimes we just talk—we’re friends. Above all, we’re positive with one another. We are kind when the writing world feels cruel.
I reach out to other writers, too, who play the same role in my life (even if they didn’t know it before, they do now), and just asking the question, “How’s the writing going?” brings writing back into the forefront when other things have taken your attention away. This simple act of checking in can help remind us that our writing is more important than reading the news of the day or spending time on social networking or playing a video game; it also reminds us that we need to fit in the writing within obligations that need to get done. When you know you will be accounting to someone, it gives you a reason to come back to the writing even on days it’s not easy.
And so, when I had trouble with my ending scene, I put out a call for help, and “Writer LJ” found time to help me think it through. When I have trouble getting started in the morning, I reach out to “Writer A,” and we text with funny writer’s life scenarios or help one another with a daily scene.
Each time, the purpose of the conversation is the same: what’s stopping you from writing?
Writer Seeking Accountability
I’m lucky. I fell into my accountability relationships.
But if you’re seeking one, start with writers you already know—maybe someone you met at a conference or someone you talk with a lot on Twitter or Facebook or in a common writing group—someone who cares about your progress, cares about you, someone easy to talk to when you feel like you want to give up.
Other important characteristics (this can be quite subjective) are: trustworthiness, kindness, quick wittedness, reasonable response time, commitment to writing, and open mindedness. It’s important to look for someone who is understanding, kind, empathetic, and nonjudgmental, but (for me), I also want someone who will push me at least a little. One of my partners tells me when I need to stop complaining and push through (she’s always nice about it); sometimes I just need to hear someone say it to know that I can.
It’s not (necessarily) important that you write the same genre—one of my partners writes literary fiction, one writes YA fantasy, another writes adult magical realism—maybe you have the same reading and writing preferences and sensibilities; maybe you just hit it off.
However you find someone, don’t feel awkward about reaching out to her. Remember what Cathy says—No writer succeeds alone—which means the writer you want as an accountability partner may well be looking for one too.
I feel grateful and lucky to have these intrepid writers as part of my daily life. I can only hope I offer them as much support as they give me because they helped me get my writing back on track, helped me love my WIP and writing again. And, by the way, if you’re wondering why I concealed their names, it’s to protect the innocent introverts—but take my word for it, they are truly heroes, yet they walk among us.
Do you have an accountability partner? Who are your writing heroes?
Julia Munroe Martin (@jmunroemartin) is a writer and blogger who lives in an old house in southern coastal Maine. Julia’s other passion is photography, and if she’s not writing at the dining room table or a local coffeeshop, you’ll likely find her on the beach or dock taking photos. Julia writes The Empty Nest Can Be Murder mystery series as J. M. Maison.
My comments are this:
Yes, yes,yes!
and
Thank you for sharing. I’m ready to conquer my writing for the day and report to my accountability person. We’ve fallen out of the habit.
Glad you can relate. I can relate to this: “I’m ready to conquer my writing for the day…” This is exactly how accountability works, including the WU site, for me. Coming here, seeing your comment, makes me want to write! Here’s to renewed habits! Thank you for helping me feel accountable!
I think I would’ve quit a thousand times if it hadn’t been for my writer friends. There’s a special thing that happens with writer friends that can’t happen in any other kind of friendship. Nobody else ‘gets it’ in the same way, nor should they. That’s the first level.
For me, the second level is, there’s nowhere else (online or IRL) that has supplied more wonderful writerly friendships–friendships with like-minded, respectful, open, accepting, challenging, supportive, and encouraging fellow writers–than Writer Unboxed.
I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t stumbled across WU (almost a decade ago now!). But I am absolutely certain my life is richer and more fulfilling because I did. I’m very grateful. Thanks for the reminder, Julia! Perfect start to the writing week.
Yes to all of this, Vaughn, thank you. “Nobody else ‘gets it’ in the same way, nor should they.” Yes, writer friends get it; yes, WU writer friends are amazing and supportive; yes, my life is richer for it, too. Have a great writing week!
This is awesome, Julia. Sounds like you’ve found a great group.
Dee Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT (Gift of Travel)
I feel very very lucky… I love my group. Thank you, Dee.
“No writer succeeds alone.” Great mantra to keep in mind, Julia. May I use this with my authors group? We have about 38 members in our Pound Ridge Authors Society, which I am co-chair on. While we don’t have individual “coaches” we do have group support that serves well for many. I love your idea of one-on-one though as that can be so much more personal and target specific needs.
Of course you can use it with your author’s group! I think the group support is another really valuable way to stay accountable. One-on-one, friend-to-friend, is a powerful and deeply personal way to target specific needs, you’re right! Onward!
Great post, Julia. “…don’t feel awkward about reaching out…” strikes a chord with me. Being an introvert, I find it a challenge to do this yet I know how valuable it can be to make these connections. It can be the opportunity for a relationship to unfold that allows for encouragement, hope and understanding. And what could be better than that? Thanks so much for sharing. :)
I’m also an introvert, so I know exactly what you mean. Only one of my accountability partners did not come out of a group I belonged to (I think the group made it easier). And she and I, as I said, had been longtime friends and had even met in person when I was visiting her town (in another state). I hope that if you are seeking someone, you find them. I can highly recommend it. :)
I have a local group (Capital City Writers Association in Lansing, Michigan) and a nationwide (and a bit international) group (Women’s Fiction Writers Association) that provide much support and offer me opportunities to support others. But my closest writing partner is my husband. :)
Groups very much offer that support (I have it here at WU), and that’s fabulous to have your husband as your writing partner! My husband isn’t a writer, but he definitely is my most trusted reader, and I know the feeling of that close trust. Lucky you!
No accountability partners, but I’ve managed to find some toxic people who excel at using others. There are, unfortunately, an ample number of people online searching for victims. I’ve had more than enough of being a victim. I write about hope and purpose and have no desire to welcome abuse into my life. Thus, I’ve become cautious. Probably too cautious.
Thank you for being bold enough to speak up. I share the same concerns, Christina.
I don’t know many writers and only have one I know well enough to consider a friend. The ones I’ve met at the only conference I’ve gone to (two years in a row) I didn’t really get to know well enough, and I don’t spend loads of time chatting with any writers on Facebook. And do people really talk to each other on Twitter? Not that I’ve seen or experienced. I’ve been burned in the past on social sites and I’m hesitant about saying much on them now.
I’m afraid I’ll be the only one who can’t even seem to come up with any ideas for a story that hold together once I start working to take them from idea to narrative – and that I won’t get helped but looked down on, accused of making excuses or just told I must not want to be an author badly enough despite already having three books published. I’ve run across enough of this attitude and sentiment in blogs and articles, particularly since the beginning of this year, to just not trust that I’ll find a group of kindly, understanding folks who will actually offer encouragement and genuine help instead of badgering and guilt.
I really do wish I did have a group of solid, trusted writing friends. Maybe I would be working on my fourth book right now instead of fretting over it because I can’t get anything to work.
I understand the concern, Pearl — I hear you — it’s hard to find writers to connect with, particularly if you aren’t on social media a lot. (But, yes! I do talk to people on Twitter!)
Your concern… “I’m afraid I’ll be the only one…” is the reason I’m glad I reach out to other writers and have accountability partners. It helps me realize that no, I’m not the only one (who has experienced *anything* I’m afraid I am) and you aren’t either. We all have the same fears and dreads and anxieties. I know that sentiment of “not wanting it badly enough” is around, and I steer clear of it whenever possible (I’m not a traditionally published author, although it is my dream), and that kind of badgering generates so much stress and anxiety, that ends up doing more harm than good, I agree! I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that.
Are you part of the Writer Unboxed Facebook group? Maybe if you want to, you can find some like minded, kind and generous writers to connect with there? We’re all in this together. <3
I’m so sorry you have had some bad experiences, Christina. I have to admit that I did have one experience with someone who turned out to be negative. It definitely is important to proceed with caution, particularly with people you don’t know well or haven’t known long. I appreciate that you brought this up, and — again — I’m so sorry for your bad experiences. <3
I had an accountability partner at one time. But she wasn’t all that accountable. And you’re right, it’s hard going it alone, especially when a lack of motivation creeps into my psyche and I realize I’m watching The Bachelor instead of rewriting my short story, and wonder how that happened. I’ve tried being accountable to myself, but I’m not all that accountable either.
So I found a fellow writer on Twitter who offered to check in with me regularly. This was great, for about a week. Then I tried to sneak in and out of Twitter without her notice.
This sounds like a case of self-sabotage!
I do think that it’s important to find partners who are accountable — I’ve had that experience as well. That lack of motivation feeling is something my partners and I talk about A LOT. My weakness is video games, so I hear you about being accountable to yourself… myself seems to love the video games so another person works better for me, too.
As for the case of self-sabotage… only you can know for sure. Maybe you can try again, maybe tell her/him it’s what you fear you’re doing. Talk it out! Come clean! See if s/he has some thoughts on what will help when you feel like avoiding the prying eyes of Twitter! Maybe check in instead by text or FB messenger?
Good luck — I’ve been there, believe me!
“All writers write alone, but no writer succeeds that way.”
I love Cathy’s quote and I love your post, Julia. The Writer Unboxed UnConference was the final push for me to get real. I’m writing my first book and usually end the day feeling like a hack. Sigh. It’s hard to reach out to “real” writers when I don’t feel like I measure up. Talking to other writers at all different points in their career quelled my doubts and gave me the confidence to write alone knowing I have friends all over the world who sometimes feel like a hack too – even if they are a smashing success.
Sending you all the best for your WIP and writing enthusiasm.
Hi Janna!
Nice to see you and thank you for your very kind words! I’m so glad you were inspired by the UnCon. Me too (clearly)! I definitely understand the feeling of being a hack, especially with this particular WIP. It’s been a rough road and there are many times I’ve felt just like you — that I’m not a real writer. (Like you, I know writers with several published books that struggle with that feeling.) Strangely, in some ways I felt more like a “real writer” when I was writing technical manuals. Somehow, writing fiction feels a bit like flying without an instruction guide. How will I know it’s ever right? Add that to a fear of never getting published (traditionally) and it can be downright crippling.
Sending my best to you and your WIP, too. Here’s to future meetings. xox, Julia
I have never had a formal accountability partner, but many moons ago a good friend and I would chat on the phone most mornings. One or the other of us would cut the call short with a gentle reminder that we should be writing.
Over the years I have belonged to a number of critique groups that met in person, and that was always great incentive to be productive. I wanted to have pages to share.
Now with the convenience of Twitter and Facebook, I can see that setting up accountability with a writer friend via those outlets could be a good thing.
I am going to share some of your post on my blog and link back to this. Thanks for the terrific article.
I’m so glad you found it useful, Maryann, and I’m glad you’re sharing parts on your blog. I love the idea of a morning chat with a writer friend, but I can understand calling it short with the gentle reminder… Writer J and I sometimes have to do that, too. I will look forward to hearing how it goes via Facebook and Twitter — such wonderful writer friends to connect with — hope you find the partner you’re looking for!
It’s a struggle for me, Julia. I do have a couple of friends who check in on how I’m doing periodically, and share their progress, but it is not regular.
I’ll confess that a lifetime with a controlling mother and ten years in a monastic setting where I was accountable to others for every minute of the day (almost) tends to make me rebel against any kind of regular accountability.
At the same time, I know I do my best work when I’m able to create a structure that works for me and follow it. That’s great, until I start feeling restricted by my own structure and rebel again.
One thing I use that is helpful is this blog. Often, this is where I find the inspiration to go back to my plan and keep moving. I suppose you might say I’m as much of a work in progress as my Work-in-Progress…
I can actually really relate to your comment, Carol — I had a controlling mother, too, and consequently I, too, I tend to buck the need to let others know what I’m doing. I think the reason the accountability partners work is that it’s purely voluntary (and fun!) on both our parts. I did once upon a time have one writer friend who was verged on controlling, and that did not sit well with me. I think the trick is to find what works for ourselves. That’s what it’s all about. Here’s to structure and rebellion… I think that maybe they are both necessary (and you’ve given me another idea for a blog, thank you :)
As for this >>> ” I suppose you might say I’m as much of a work in progress as my Work-in-Progress…” Yes, a million times yes, me too. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
I can so relate to this! My writer’s group meets monthly to read one person’s full manuscript, and since we take turns it means we each get a turn every five months, which is a good amount of time to get a good chunk of work done. I’m next in March and am trembling at the thought, but it’s motivating me to get some pages together.
Speaking of writing friends, I miss our chats! Life was so crazy last year, and while this year isn’t slowing down much, I know I have to make it slow down a bit. Would to catch up soon :) xoxo
I’m so glad you can relate, Natalia! Your writing group does sound so motivational (and daunting) to have a writing group like you have… it must be so exciting when someone has a work published, too. I can’t wait to talk soon, too, to hear more about your book release plans and to catch up. I miss you, too. <3