Flog a Pro: would you pay to turn the first page of this bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | January 19, 2017 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for January 22, 2017. How strong is the opening page—would this narrative, all on its own, have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter.
It was dusk on a warm June day, as the enormous motor yacht Princess Marina lay at anchor off the coast of Antibes in the Mediterranean, not far from the famous Hôtel du Cap. The five-hundred-foot yacht was in plain sight for all to see, as deckhands of the seventy-five-person crew swabbed down her decks, and washed the saltwater off her as they did every evening. At least a dozen of them were hosing her down. Casual observers could get a sense of just how huge she was when they noticed how tiny the deckhands looked from the distance. You could see lights shining brightly within her, and everyone familiar with that part of the coast knew which boat she was and who owned her, although there were several nearly as large at anchor nearby. The giant superyachts were too large to dock in port, except for ports large enough to handle cruise ships. It was no small thing to dock a boat that size, no matter how large the crew, or how adept they were at maneuvering her.
Her owner, Vladimir Stanislas, had three more motor yachts of comparable size positioned around the world, and a three-hundred-foot sailboat he had bought from an American, which he seldom used. But Princess Marina, named for the mother who had died when he was fourteen, was the yacht that he preferred. She was an exquisite floating island of ostentation and luxury that had cost him a fortune to build. He owned one of the most famous villas on the coast as well, in St. Jean Cap-Ferrat. He had bought it from a famous movie star, but he never felt (snip)
Was this opening page compelling to you? If it was, you can turn the page here. My vote and notes after the fold.
This is The Mistress by Danielle Steel. Was this opening page compelling to you?
My vote: no.
It has been almost a year since we flogged a Danielle Steel bestseller (Blue, February, 2016). The last time the vote went this way:
Here’s my 30 cents: 6%
My 30 cents stays with me: 94%
It’ll be interesting to see if this opening page fares better. This info dump goes on for 1500 words, 6 full pages, and then shifts to a similar info dump about his mistress for almost 1000 words, another 4 pages. Then he arrives on the yacht, they are happy to see each other, they make love, they take a shower, they have dinner, they talk about art . . . I didn’t go further. You will not be surprised that this didn’t get a page-turn from this reader. It’s clear, though, that I am not the target audience that her name and reputation attract—she delivers what her readers want. But I wonder, yet again, if it delivers what an agent looks for in the slush pile these days. Would an agent read more than this first page if Jane Wannabe submitted it? My bet is no. Any agents out there care to comment?
Your thoughts?
Stop by my “Flog a BookBubber” feature (usually on Mondays) Flogging the Quill. BookBub is a website that offers free or very low cost ebooks. It is heavily used by self-publishers, though established authors are sometimes there.
We often see the meme on the Internet that self-published authors should have had editing done before they published. So the new Flog a BookBubber posts take a look at opening pages to see if that’s true. You can vote on turning the page and then on whether or not they should have sought an editor. Visit on Mondays and take a look.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
Appalling.
I stopped reading after the first sentence. All I could think of was, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
I did not even finish that first long paragraph.
So what you’re saying is that the yacht is big, right? Yeah, I think I got that.
Sheesh. Talk about proof that when you’re super-famous, you can publish your freaking grocery list and somebody will buy it.
To put it more succinctly, I voted no.
I was waiting for the itemized list of the silverware.
Yeah, no.
As you say, I am not the target audience. Even for them, though, I would think there is not enough here to help them immerse themselves in the world of ostentatious wealth and luxury and love that they crave.
Standard issue, objective POV, glitz’n’glitter opening of the sort that was all the rage in the 1980’s, when adulation of the rich and famous was at its height.
That cultural era has given way to a different type of fascination with wealth, one cynical and ironic, a fascination with falseness such as with the nasty, petty, bottle blonde housewives of wherever.
Which in turn doesn’t appeal to me any more than glitz’n’glitter or radishes. Not for me, I have too much else to read.
Don, I was acting in NY in the late 70s, and working by day as a temp typist, when I was dispatched to the offices of Crown Books. They needed help because they were giving the big push to a new author, and her debut novel, Scruples. Wasn’t that the book that started the “rage”?
Dunno, Steel was publishing in earnest from 1977. Krantz’s Scruples came out in 1978. To me the progenitor was Sidney Sheldon’s The Other Side of Midnight, 1973.
Or maybe it wasn’t a book at all, but Studio 54?
It was a bigly yacht. Because he has all the best yachts.
LOL! Good one! :)
Thanks. Love this feature!
I caught a glimpse of the cover and the name on it before I read the extract, so I already knew how boring and wordy the first page would be. Flogging a Danielle Steele novel for failing to be an engaging story is like flogging a Twinkie for failing to be a real cake. It says “Twinkies” right there on the box–what do you expect?
Romance readers today want interesting and heartbreaking stories, just like fans of every other genre do. They don’t want to fall asleep on the first sentence. I’m certain this manuscript would not make it past the slush pile if Steele were a newbie with no name recognition. No one would even request a full.
But there’s no point in resenting Twinkies when we’re trying to bake and sell real cakes. People who like Twinkies are going to eat Twinkies. People who like gourmet cakes will recognize quality when they taste it.
Love the Twinkie analogy. But we are students/practitioners of writing, and I think it’s fair to ask of bestsellers what is asked of us and to spotlight what they do. At least, in contrast to this excerpt, Twinkies taste good.
Yes, as pastry chefs we can look at the Twinkie and decry the Twinkie, but I don’t think we need to worry about emulating the Twinkie.
I’m wary of taking writing lessons from big bestsellers because the people who like those books are not regular readers. If I, as a hypothetical pastry chef, were to analyze a Twinkie and say to myself, “Ah, this is what’s selling, so this is clearly what customers want,” I’d lose sight of my real customer base: people who appreciate gourmet cakes.
I don’t think the fact that Danielle Steele is rich and famous means her style and stories are what people “ask of us.” I think it means she got lucky. I think it means the people who read her don’t branch out much, so they don’t know that thousands of much better romance authors exist. I think it means her publisher devotes oodles of money to putting her books front and center in the checkout aisles of grocery stores. If there’s anything to learn from Danielle Steele, it’s that marketing and hype have a lot more to do with commercial success than quality of writing does.
Good grief, no. But I don’t belong to her target audience. By the way, I like radishes.
Yes! A radish fan! We should keep in mind that “Danielle Steel” is more of a factory than a writer. They don’t care if we look down our noses. They weren’t aiming it at us anyway.
After reading the first sentence and before knowing the identity of the author, I was thinking it sounds like a pitch for a cheesy 1980s made-for-TV mini series.
The sample is unimaginative and loaded with more clichés than an interview with a pro athlete.
Other than that, it’s great.
The opening hit an iceberg in the first sentence. I voted NO. When will big, bigger, biggest floating palaces ever learn.
This is the first time I over-scrolled and saw the author’s name before starting to read. And honest to God, I figured that a famous author like her might annoy me some, but that it would be better than this. Everything everyone else said- it steams me up to think that we wouldn’t get away with even one of these many sins without her name on the top. The sudden, confusing, valueless shift to “you” voice in the middle was just a pet peeve of mine that put it to death.
Makes me really admire someone like JKR even more, for trying to publish under another name. Maybe that should be mandatory once you have maybe five bestsellers, to have to submit one within the next year under a different name.
In my “Crafting a Killer First Page” workshops I always ask the voters why they voted the way they did. I would love to hear from those who vote “Yes” for this excerpt. How/why did this page earn a page-turn?
Even though I’m a literary snob and almost always vote “no” in this feature, and even though it’s embarrassing to say so in this forum, I was drawn in by the opening description even though it’s so obviously an info dump, maybe because I grew up close to boats and the sea and got all nostalgic although luxury yachts are in a different league from working-class 30-foot fishing boats. Excuses, excuses for my poor taste. I did not scroll down to see the author, so does that let me off the hook just a little, please?
Does she even write them by herself anymore, or does she have a fleet of starry-eyed young girls doing it?
I bet she has a ghost writer to help. I don’t understand how anyone can write something like that. I’d get bored with myself if I tried it.
Ha! Suzanna, your comment reminds me of an author who was doing a reading of her novel. She was working her way through a loooong passage of description (that I’d previously read and would have advised be cut dramatically) when she broke off, looked up at the audience, and said, “I find myself wishing that this would just get on with the story.”
As it happened, the author was also an editor and a partner in a small publishing company.
Absolutely zero interest.
Rage — Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus’ son Achilles,
murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses,
hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls,
great fighters’ souls, but made their bodies carrion,
feasts for the dogs and birds,
and the will of Zeus was moving toward its end.
Begin, Muse, when the two first broke and clashed,
Agamemnon lord of men and brilliant Achilles. .
(Now THAT’s an opening.)
That’s wonderful stuff, but this is one of my all-time faves:
I will begin the story of my adventures with a certain morning early in the month of June, the year of grace 1751, when I took the key for the last time out of the door of my father’s house.
Who wouldn’t read a little more?
Unfortunately no, I wouldn’t read on. However Danielle Steel has never been on my reading list. Such an awful opening made me kind of sad. Had she always written like this? I had no idea. So I checked about a half a dozen of her earlier novels. The writing was better and she’d opened with her protagonist’s point of view, something she didn’t do here. I wondered what had happened to her? Was she even writing her own novels any longer? Was she ill or had something far worse befallen the poor woman? Hmmm. Might make a good story, no?
This is one of the most boring and awful passages I have read in a long time! I have a review blog for indie newbies with less than three published novels. I have read many stinkers. I am a newbie myself, and I know that I can do better than this, even in a first draft! What was she thinking? Did she even write this? If she did, how could she let it go to the editors? Even more of a mystery to me is how could the editors approve of it. Did they read it? I admit that I am not her target audience, but I can’t understand them putting up with it, either. I read one of Dean Koontz’s books not too long ago. I am a fan of his earlier works, but this one? It was horrible. I gave it a two-star review on Amazon. I couldn’t believe it came from his pen. If I had bought this book, I’d have asked for my money back! What a disservice to the fans. I was not too impressed by his website either. It isn’t fan friendly. I hope none of us ever feel above the fans. I may try another of his books, but I will not buy it.
Seriously? This gets published and I don’t have a prayer?
My opening line…
“Last night I dreamed of hell.”
I think it’s chilling and worth reading more.
“Last night I dreamed of hell. Satan owned a 500-foot yacht that was too large to dock and so it floated midway between either shore of the River Styx. It was crawling with deckhands who, upon closer inspection, were the bent and tormented souls of the damned, cursed to forever swab the unending deck of the admirable vessel using naught but a q-tip dipped in their own too-little-too-late tears…”
Where’s the next page? MUST TURN!
I hope Charles & Erin get together and finish this book. Definitely want to read it!
Maybe, being a team, they should use a team pen name. Something like … Danette Aluminum
Very mildly curious about the yacht owner, but not curious enough to turn the page.
Good grief, no period I started skimming in this sample. That point of view – you would… everyone… people… Who is supposed to be observing this scene? Who is supposed to be caring about it? Dull, dull, dull, without a hint of conflict. I read romance, but I still want people I care about and something happening.
So, knowing that it was the #1 best selling hardcover, I’d have to say one thing’s for sure: Danielle Steel’s fans are devoted!
From this sample, I don’t know why though.
My main question after reading this opening is: does Vladimir seldom use the sailboat or the American? (I might turn the page to find the answer to that, but I suspect it’s not there.) (And, yeah, I know if it’s the American then the sentence should’ve used “who” instead of “which” – but it’s obvious the writer doesn’t care about such niceties, so I’m left wondering.)
Another question – and maybe this is mostly one for Ray or Don: how should we really feel after reading this?
I could see both a positive and negative response.
Positive: Hey, I can write much better than this, so there’s no question I should be able to get my MS published. Or…
Negative: Sheez, publishers are spending who knows how many millions on claptrap like this, so there’s no way they’ll have anything left if I am lucky enough to get my MS published.
I lost interest after the first two words (“It was”) — two of the most commonplace and boring words to start a sentence ever written. I think that those words usually open a sentence obviously needing simplification and straightforward syntax (e.g. “It was with pleasure that I read more of Geoffrey Hill’s poetry.”).
The best opening for a book I have seen has to be Seveneves by Neal Stephanson. “The moon exploded without warning and for no apparent reason.” That one sentence drives 2/3rds of the book.
It’s bad enough that this is an info dump, but it’s a boring info dump. Aspiring writers who are being told they must hook the reader in the first page, and preferably in the first paragraph, must wonder why this had been published. All authors, including established authors, owe their readers a story that entertains and gives value for the money spent on purchasing it.