How to Write When Life Sucks
By Cathy Yardley | December 2, 2016 |
Photo by Sam D.
“Writers write.” It’s the action that defines us.
What do you do, then, when you feel like you can’t write?
Maybe something horrible has happened: illness (your own, or someone you care about), financial issues, break-ups. Any number of physical and emotional stressors.
Or it could be the result of a gradual build up. You’ve tried being too strong, for too long, and now the gradual accumulation of life’s indignities has made you brittle as sugar glass.
Looking at the world around you, you feel hopeless. Looking at the page, you feel panic.
Whether it’s topical or gradual, sometimes life feels overwhelming and terrifying.
For some, that is exactly when they bow their heads down and bull through, taking solace in their fictional worlds, living someone else’s life as they compose it on the page. They replenish through the writing itself.
Alas, I am not one of these people.
If you’re not either, then here are some tips and tricks that can help you write when, for whatever reason, life sucks and you’re having a tough time of it.
First question: do you really have to write?
If you find that you don’t have the reserves to write, think about taking a hiatus. It doesn’t make you less of a writer. It means you’re making your mental health a priority.
If you’re worried that by “taking a break” you might chuck it all and never write again, or it “will be years” before you go back to your project, or you’ll lose your inspiration, address your fears logically and compassionately.
For example, get a support group to give you accountability. Tell them that you’re taking a break until a certain date (not indefinitely!) and then have them check back with you on that date to see how you’re feeling.
Taking a break does not mean simply abandoning writing and otherwise making no change in your life. It means consciously choosing self-care, to replenish until you’re ready to write again.
Self-care: what it is, what it isn’t.
People tend to think of “self-care” in one of two ways: boring, vaguely unpleasant pursuits (i.e., kale and jogging) or utterly hedonistic delights (i.e., full bag of candy while binge watching Netflix for seven days straight.)
The former approach is daunting when you’re already burned out. If you can barely keep it together, suddenly going on an exercise and “healthy eating” kick – especially one that demands extra time, money, and energy expenditure – isn’t going to happen. Worse, it tends to make you feel guilty, since not only are you feeling like crap, you don’t even have the wherewithal to stop feeling like crap. Which compounds the problem.
The latter approach is temporarily helpful, since it can give you a quick hit of euphoria. However, like a sugar rush, the boost is short-lived and is usually followed by a crash. The last thing you need is to dip lower in your reserves than you already are.
How to strike a balance and get results.
As with so many other writing-related things, the key here is to study yourself: your process, your boosts, your triggers. You’re not going to cure all your stressors at once. What you want is to halt the downward spiral, and slowly build your reserves.
Here are some quick ways to stop the spin.
- Get grounded. If you’re in emotional distress, the biggest sources of pain tend to rooted in things you can’t control, things that either happened in the past or might happen in the future. The quickest way to get out of that pain is to focus on the present. A friend of mine used to yank me back with the question: “Where are your feet?” It was her way of saying, look at where you are in this moment. Don’t live in the potential pain of future disasters or the past pains of previous grievances. Don’t focus on big problems that you literally cannot do anything about in this specific moment.One of the easiest way to get grounded: meditate. Never done it before? Focus on your breathing. Or look up a meditation app, or a five or ten minute video on “meditation for stress relief” on Youtube. Remember: we’re not talking go on a silent meditation retreat for a week. Ten minutes a day. Five if that seems like too much. One minute if you’re in the middle of a panic episode and you don’t think you can last five. Start slow, and work your way up.
- Look at what truly relaxes you. There’s usually a point where something goes from helpful to harmful. A glass of wine mellows you – a bottle knocks you out. What you want to do is find pursuits that replenish you, rather than temporarily numbing you out. You’ll know when you feel somewhat refreshed afterward, as opposed to sandy-eyed, tense-shouldered, and still stressed. That said – do things that you feel are indulgent, if they make you feel good. Moderation, again (I’m sure a trip to Paris would probably do wonders for my psyche if not my credit card bills), but lavishing attention on yourself with small indulgences is probably just what you need. A really good chocolate. A book you’ve been meaning to read (or re-read.) Bubble bath. Just one great steak. A movie you’ve been dying to see. Give yourself a pick me up. And constantly check that your choices are truly helping you feel better.
- The trinity of self-care: water, light exercise, and sleep. These basic steps can make a huge difference in helping you keep the “suckitude” of life manageable. Increase how much water you drink. Take a walk, if you can… preferably in nature. (If walking is painful, see if you can get to a pool, perhaps. If you don’t want to leave your house, maybe you can have a five-minute dance party in the privacy of your home. Trust me, it’s a mood elevator.) Do what you can to get sleep. Your body and your psyche need it. If you’re having trouble sleeping, the exercise and meditation (tip #1) should help.
- Get a “support” group. This is perhaps the most crucial element. I don’t mean a therapy group, or even a critique group. I mean get a group of people who believe in you, and ideally, who understand what it means to be a writer. Even though all you may feel like doing is curling up in a ball, and you may fear that you’re “bothering” someone, or that you may be judged – drawing on the energy, guidance, and support of people who care about you and who get what you’re going through will tide you over. They can provide both accountability, encouragement, and a “crazy check” for when you lose perspective. This can be as simple as posting a little “I’m feeling overwhelmed” post on the Writer Unboxed Facebook page. Don’t overlook online sources of support!
These probably seem self-evident, but when your life is in the dumps, very few things are obvious.
When do you start writing again?
The other trick to writing when life sucks: start small, start slow, and set the bar low.
What I’ve seen happen, with many coaching clients I work with: they start to feel a bit better, and then they plunge right back, expecting to be fully charged… only to flare up and fizzle out. They then berate themselves for being “useless.” (Writers, I’ve noticed, tend to be extremists.)
Even if you have a track record of writing 5000 words a day, when life sucks and you’re hitting a wall, treat it the way you would an injury. If an Olympian sprained his ankle, you wouldn’t have him drink some water and then put him back in the starting blocks. There’s a recovery time.
The best way to do this: set a small goal to start. Ridiculously small. For some, this may be as small as one paragraph. “How am I going to get a book written if I’m just writing a paragraph?” some of you may ask. The thing is, you’re not trying to boost your productivity. You’re trying to train your brain. You’re reminding yourself that yes, you set goals and achieve them. That you can do this. Once you start getting victories under your belt, you can start to increase your goals, but always within reason. Slow and low.
What if you are under deadline and you “don’t have time” for self-care?
If you are at that red-line, truly burned out breaking point, then you may need to contact your publisher or fans, let them know what’s going on, and come up with alternative plans. We may live for our writing, but we shouldn’t die for it. Be aware of just how dire your circumstance is.
If you’re not at that point – if the going’s rough, but you’re functioning, albeit poorly – then your stakes may be high to actually get the writing done, no matter what.
I have publishers who, while sympathetic, simply can’t hold a publishing slot while I have an existential crisis. I don’t publish, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, I will get more stressed, and there will be a cascading effect financially, physically and emotionally. In this case, it’s in my best interest to publish on time – which means writing, even if my life sucks and if my reserves are low.
The answer: get a game plan, triage non-essentials, do intensive self-care, and rely on your support group.
- Game plan. Calculate how much you have left to do on your project. Then see how much time you have until your deadline. Divide the pages or word count by the days you have to work. That gives you the rough necessary output goal. (Make sure this is in the realm of possibility.)
- Triage non-essentials. During NaNo, a lot of people put writing first at the expense of other things. A lot of laundry gets ignored, for example. People order a lot more take-out food. If you’re under a crushing deadline, automate and/or ignore whatever isn’t essential to getting the writing done. This is a short-term solution. If that means piling up dishes, having cereal for dinner for a week, or avoiding your extended family, then do so. You’ve got limited reserves, and they’ve all got to go towards writing.
- Do intensive self-care. That said, if you’re finding that you can’t work because the house is a disaster, and you’ve been living on pizza and soda and feel somewhat sick, take a (limited) chunk of time to set up your environment and your self-care to make it as conducive to work as possible. Choose the simplest solution possible. For example: make one huge pot of healthy soup, and plan on eating it all week.
- Rely on your support group. Tell them your deadline. Touch base with them to help overcome your starting friction (reluctance to start writing.) Ask for help and encouragement. Check in daily until the deadline is over. This much contact is a temporary measure – let them know that. You’ll pay it forward one day.
Bonus tip: write down why you wanted to write in the first place.
When you’re truly feeling hopeless, it can be easy to ask yourself “Why should I bother?” Even questions like Don Maass’ “how do you want your novel to change the world?” can seem intimidating. Try going inward, rather than outward. Why were you attracted to this in the first place? What appealed? What do you still like about the project? Once you’ve answered, post what you’ve written near where you write. It will be your north star, reminding you of where you’re going (and why you’re going there.)
We’re all in this together.
Sometimes, the world seems like a hard place. As writers, we can help in times of trouble. Novels can change the world. Novelists can change the world.
But before we can change the world, we must take care of ourselves, so we can have the strength to provide the change.
What keeps you going? What truly replenishes you? How do you take care of yourself as a writer?
Cathy Yardley has published over 33 novels, novellas, and serialized fiction, both traditionally and independently. In 2011, she started RockYourWriting.com, with the mission of helping novelists make a living. She has helped hundreds of authors as a developmental editor, writing coach, and through her “plot sessions” – one-on-one calls that get authors from concept to plot points in one hour. She’s also written the Rock Your Writing series of reference books, taking authors through the writing cycle, from concept to completion. Sign up for her newsletter, and you can receive free downloads to help you plot and revise your novel.
Now that I’ve met you in person and attended your Write/Life Balance workshop, I read this post in your voice. Thank you for this. I actually reached over to grab my bottle of water and thought, “Oh yeah, I really do want to keep a writing journal because life is even more busy right now and that would *really* help.”
Something I found out last week when my kids were with their grandparents- if I give myself permission to just be a writer for the day, I can sit for hours and get an incredible amount done, and- bonus- find it rejuvenating. Not that I get that chance often, but to be able to say “Today I’m only wearing one hat” can be utterly freeing. I worked for six hours straight and the next day I felt more like myself than I had in a few weeks.
Thanks again!
Single tasking is a great thing in general, but it really helps when you’re overwhelmed, especially when it comes to “grounding” in the present. And I am all about permission to be a writer!
I am so glad I met you at UnCon. Thanks for commenting!
I went for my big glass of water, too. :)
Such a timely post for me. What helped me get back to writing again during a time of stress that’s ongoing is/was finding a story that pulled from real life. Before that I felt as though I had to write to keep my career going, but I couldn’t get myself to care about the characters. Fiction felt pointless next to reality. But taking inspiration for fiction from real life helped me find a story I could be passionate about again–a story that makes me feel more powerful in real life.
Shifting your topic/focus sounds like it was the perfect key to keep your writing going. Great suggestion!
“Where are your feet?” Perfect.
Thanks, Densie! I hope it’s helpful.
Did you write this post for me? Like Tonia, I hear this in your voice. Right now, I’m making soup, and to replenish myself I’m learning to ask for help and support — not easy for me as caretaker and worrier of all things and creatures in the world. These are such good suggestions, thank you. You’re the best <3
“But who will guard the guardians?” (I always loved that quote!)
It’s hard when you’re used to being a caretaker, but it’s like the airplane safety lecture: put the mask on you first, then the kid. Because if you’re not up and going, what chance does anyone who relies on you have?
You definitely helped inspire the article. Thank you for that! :)
The last time events propelled me into deep distress, I took a break from my WIP and fled to my journal. Writing into the pain was self-care of the best kind, and I was still able to pen word after word.
Writing in a journal is a great practice. It can even be meditative. Wonderful suggestion!
Powerful post, Cathy. *Writers are extremists* and *where are your feet?* are a great beginning balance point. I’m one of those writers that absorbs the emotions floating around me, and my husband’s illness combined with post-election angst, balance is difficult to find. Walking helps, longer walks are better. I’ve also found other creative endeavors are assisting; sewing, baking, even painted the doors in my house a different color, just for fun. The new story is formulating, I’m making notes, and some days a sentence is all that gets written, but the door is opening wider into the story world. Thanks for your suggestions, I’m going to use many of them, including that big pot of healthy soup.
I think now is a hard time for anyone who is at empathetic, and writers that I know tend to be more sensitive to outside emotional influences than most.
I just saw an article (thanks, Brin!) from the Smithsonian talking about the healing power of baking and cooking. It sounds like you’ve got a great process for self care. Thanks for sharing!
Ditto, Denise. “Where are your feet?” Those four little words are profound!! I also like ‘suckitude’. I pictured a little suck-o-meter on the wall when I read that. Writing is hard work, the time to do it precious, so I’ve learned to be greedy with my time and energy. I think the biggest self-care tool I’ve acquired over the past years is the ability to say ‘no’ to things that detract from the effort. Next came the willingness to have people be pissed off at me for saying no. Another one is ‘compartmentalization’, which I’m still working on. Then there’s walking and Yoga and the art of daydreaming (a personal favorite). But there are times when it all comes crashing in at once, a writing-block, family stuff, money worries. What a great post, Cathy. I’m going to print it out and put it up on the wall. Thank you!!
Oooh! Saying “no” is a huge element in self-care. It’s an upper-division class, rather than a simple one — good on you for unlocking that achievement! I love daydreaming, too. You’ve got some great tips here. Thanks for sharing!
Absolutely so much I love in this post. I’ve been on a short hiatus during November while my colleagues were pounding out the words for Nano. It’s a mental health break after being strong far too long. Thank you for these wonderful words. So good I’m printing it out to keep on my desk to read again when I need it. And I would like to know about your write/life balance workshop – is it online possibly?
I don’t have the workshop online, but most of it is in an ebook called Write Every Day, which addresses how to keep writing (especially in the face of stress.) Here’s the Amazon link, if you’re interested:
https://www.amazon.com/Write-Every-Day-Faster-Writing/dp/B00IX3EP20
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad you found the blog helpful.
Thanks for this compelling post, Cathy.
Funny, I actually write BECAUSE life sucks. One of my biggest fears as an author is that everything will start going well for me and I’ll lose my inspiration and edge. ; )
I like your “trinity of self-care.” I even embrace it, with a slight modification — adding SCOTCH to the water part of “water, light exercise and sleep.”
You might enjoy a blog post I recently wrote called “Everybody, Write for Your Lives!” in which I encourage all humans — not just writers — to use writing to rail against chaos and remain sane inside the loony bin. If you’re interested, here’s the link: https://greglevin.com/scrawl-space-blog/everybody-write-for-your-lives
Thanks again for your excellent post, and best of luck writing through the suck.
Best,
GL .
Thanks, Greg! After UnCon, I developed a taste for bourbon. Who knew? Perhaps I fell in with bad companions. ;)
It’s great that you get recharged by your writing. Keep on keeping on!
Thanks for this. That’s about all I can say without breaking down and sobbing.
Annie
Hugs, Annie. You’re among friends, and we care about you. Hang in there.
Thank you for your wise words, Cathy. I started a self-care routine after Uncon and it has worked wonders. I write my morning pages and try to do something creative almost daily. I also go out for walks thanks to the dogs’ needs, and drink a lot of herbal tea. The writing of the ever evolving WIP has been set aside as I work through Lisa Cron’s Story Genius and I’m fine with that because I’m also writing for work.
I recently wrote a blog post about 12 months after the fact of G’s death and it was therapeutic. My intention was to write to HIM, but then I thought why? I would rehash everything he did to make me feel terrible, which would add more stress. Instead, I wrote about reconciling the reality of living through an unhealthy relationship and letting go of the toxicity.
As writers, we tend to ruminate and analyze events over and over. I came to realize I was still stressed out even though he died 12 months ago. He wasn’t hurting me anymore, but I was hurting myself. Once I saw that in print, a huge weight was lifted.
I have several goals for the next 13 months, but topping that list is to be kind to myself.
“Being kind to yourself” should top all of our lists. Thanks for this, Rebeca! These are great tips!
This is great advice.
I’ve written some of my funniest stories while escaping reality. As humans, we can only think about one thing at a time, so writing something positive or fictional works for me. I tend to face adversity with humor. The Boob Reports were born when I had breast cancer.
Your tip to sit down and write a paragraph really works. Once I write one, I keep on going!
I’ve learned to make a list, prioritizing everything I have to do. That way, I’m not freaking out about laundry and cooking meals. Even if I only carve out an hour to write, I’m still accomplishing something!
I love it when people face adversity with humor. The Boob Reports sounds great! And lists can be very soothing for some people. Great tip!
What an awesome and timely post, Cathy. Thank you so much. I have this bookmarked for many future references!
Glad you found it helpful!
Cathy,
How appropriate to my recent situation. After my mother passed, I took a look at my self-care and realized, as many caregivers do, I had none. So I’ve done all those things you mentioned and am back on track after what felt like way-too-long. But it was just the amount of time I needed. Of course, I want to dive right in and finish my novel yesterday, but yes, little steps.
Little steps that get bigger every day.
It was so good to meet you in the flesh at UnCon, and your coaching was invaluable in helping me get back on track. Now you’re in the top tier of my support group! Ha! See what being Supercoach does? More stress. :D
Thanks for the tips. I’ll bookmark this for future reference.
It was wonderful meeting you at UnCon, Mike! I’m glad that you’re replenishing. I know in my heart that you’re going to progress at just the right rate with your novel — and I’m here for support any time you need it. Keep in touch, any time. Friends aren’t stressful for me! :)
“Where are your feet?” really resonated with me. My problems lately have been lack of focus, giving in to distractions, and low energy level as a result of too many hours sitting. Your advice to revisit my purpose was exactly what I needed to hear. I write to give fresh perspective on old problems and open the readers’ eyes to different possibilities and a new way of thinking.
Focus is a tough one, especially when coupled with resistance and stress. I’m glad you found the post helpful. Good luck with your writing!
What a timely post. I should know how to juggle family, writing, and chronic pain after 15 yrs, but I forget on a regular basis how important it is to take care of myself. I suspect the root of the problem is pride. I don’t like asking for help. I like my responsibilities but sometimes, like now, if I’m on deadline, and I get hit with a monster migraine, I have to get the work done otherwise it brings on even more stress. I am very grateful for a family that understands and helps out in concrete ways.
Thanks for a lovely post. I will share with some of my writer friends who are in a tough spot right now.
I know so many capable, amazingly strong women who don’t like to ask for help. Whether it’s pride, or simply the fact that they’ve gotten so used to “managing” that it becomes default, it’s so hard for them to see the need for saying “no” and/or dedicating what feels like “indulgent” time for self-care. Thanks for commenting, and sharing!
Hi, Cathy:
I sold my first novel six weeks before my wife died of ovarian cancer. To say the next year was an ordeal is to understate the matter considerably. But I had a two-book deal, which meant a deadline. Somehow I had to swim through the bog of grief and get words down on paper.
It was not a “linear process.” I also wrote extensively about Terri and our marriage. I tended the garden and played with the dogs because both activities reminded me of Terri and allowed me to honor her memory.
I’d started the second novel when Terri was alive, and one of the characters was loosely based on her, which also gave me a way to honor her memory.
But in a larger sense I had to find a reason to live, which included a reason to write. I found the question “Why am I alive?” too overwhelming, and since I’d promised Terri I’d stick around, if only to care for the dogs (whom she loved profoundly), I soon decided the question I need to ask instead was, “How should I live?”
Everyone answers this question differently. But I discovered three core virtues I decided were central to living the kind of life I thought was worthwhile: Courage, Honesty, Love. (Yes, I know, they’re interconnected.)
What really got me back to writing was my commitment to honor those values. Writing was at least one way I could be a little more brave, honest, and loving.
I think your advice to go inward is apt here. Seeing our work as necessary in an wildly imperfect and unjust world can be pretty daunting when you’re still in your pajamas at 5 PM, have no appetite, and haven’t slept in 4 nights. No, make that five. Six?
Instead, find that light within, the thing that inspired you in the first place, the thing that, in whatever way, spoke to your courage and honesty and love.
Or, to quote one of my favorite lines from J.B. by Archibald MacLeish:
Blow on the coal of the heart…
Have a lovely holiday.
“Writing was at least one way I could be a little more brave, honest, and loving.”
Thank you so much for sharing this story, David. It’s beautiful, and inspiring — not just the story itself, but your willingness to be vulnerable here. Thank you.
“Where are your feet?” Love that.
Love your catchy title, Cathy–and your words of advice.
I’m one of those who has to write when in pain. But other things can and do block me–such as feeling that the quality of my writing is under attack.
What replenishes me?
Seeking out other writers — either reading their writing or engaging with them directly (i.e. attend writing events).
Great Post, Cathy.
And much needed. Thanks
Moved me to sign up for your newsletter.
Cathy, I echo others in giving you kudos on this post! So
much to help and we all relate. Although binge-watching Netflix is kinda tempting if the candy is M&Ms :)
Hi Cathy, I attended your sessions at UnCon, and this post is amazing and enlightening. The whole concept of “self-care” is entirely new and foreign to me. I feel like if I’m not working, I’m not being productive. Now I’m realizing there’s more to being a writer than writing.
Fantastic post, Cathy! Thank you so much.