Just Say Yes.
By Cathy Yardley | October 7, 2016 |
Photo by Bev Sykes.
I recently read Shonda Rhimes’ wonderful book Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person.
Here’s a funny thing, though. I didn’t even want to read it. I’d seen the title, but it hadn’t really resonated with me.
Left to my own devices, I’d said “no” to reading it.
Then, suddenly, I’m helping a client with a non-fiction proposal, and Year of Yes is one of the competitive titles. It crossed my path in a business capacity – I’d literally been paid to read it.
It was wonderful, and yet still a shock to the system. (Honestly, it was a bit like having an eyebrow waxing while eating an ice cream sundae… scrumptious, with a serious side of ouch.)
The ultimate concept of the book is: Shonda Rhimes, one of the most successful television writers ever, has crippling social anxiety. She buries herself in her work. Her sister pointed out: “You never say yes to anything.” So she made a pact with herself. As she texted her friend:
“Am going to say yes to anything and everything that scares me. For a whole year. Or until I get scared to death and you have to bury me. Ugh.”
And then, for the next year, her life changed radically.
Rhimes’ plight is one any introverted writer is familiar with.
Shonda Rhimes’ epiphany initially seems hard to relate to. She’d gone to the Kennedy Center and, through a stroke of luck, had sat next to Santana, and met the President and his wife and socialized. She later realizes that, had she been asked prior to the impromptu experience, she would have politely said “no.”
She describes it:
“I would have said no carefully. Respectfully. Graciously. I would have come up with a creative excuse, expressed both extreme honor and regret. The excuse would’ve been good, the excuse would’ve been brilliant.
I mean, come on. I’m a writer.
I would have said no because if I had said yes, I would have had to actually do it…. I would have had to do all of the things that I, in fact, did do that night. And I had a wonderful time. When all was said and done, it was one of the most memorable nights of my life.”
After reading the chapter, I thought to myself: what amazing things would I have missed out on, had I not said yes, in one way or another?
And then: what amazing things am I missing now?
The Hard and the Soft.
A mentor of mine once said that any dream, any goal, needs you to take action in two planes: the Hard and the Soft.
Things that take place in the Hard are actions: getting your butt in the chair and pages typed out, for example. Sending out submissions. Formatting and uploading stuff for sale on ebook distribution sites. Promotion. Those are things that take place in the tangible world.
But equally important are the steps you take in the Soft. That’s where you take care of yourself, nurture your subconscious, feed your energy. That’s where you get in alignment with what you want, visualize it, and then make space for it in your life.
Saying yes is a huge step in the Soft.
Saying yes is what makes the space in your life for the new thing. It sets your intention and your direction. It sets off some cosmic dominoes: once that first one’s tapped, there’s no going back.
All the plans in the world stay static until you pull the trigger with that first yes.
And my fears – my family, my job, all the reasons I couldn’t say yes – were simply excuses, when I sat down with it. I wasn’t doing them any favors by refusing the call. If anything, I was actually making situations worse.
Be careful what you conjure.
I’ve noticed that my internal guide tends to be a warm, quiet, utterly steady voice. That’s what I need to say yes to.
Unfortunately, I have a Greek chorus of fears that tend to scream like ten-year-olds on a roller coaster. If I’m not careful, I drown out my “yes” to what really matters with a bunch of fake and often harmful yes responses.
Yes to an entire cake!
Yes to reading until two in the morning!
Yes to projects that will pay the bills, but won’t get me closer to my own writing!
That’s not to say that cake, late night reading, or paying the bills projects are inherently bad. But they need to be conscious choices, not defensive ones. When they’re defensive, they are dangerous.
A ship in harbor is safe – but that’s not what ships are built for.
It sounds melodramatic, but the book has already started to change my life in unexpected ways. I’ve said yes to some contracts coming in. I’ve said yes to an impromptu screenwriting project.
Am I scared? Absolutely. Failure is definite possibility.
But I’m also feeling invigorated. And honestly, since opening up the space, some amazing things have been happening.
Whatever else occurs, each yes has been worth it.
Writing takes risks. It takes courage.
Ultimately… it takes yes. A whole lot of it.
What “yes” has changed your life? And, if you were fearless, what would you say “yes” to right now?
Cathy Yardley has published over 33 novels, novellas, and serialized fiction, both traditionally and independently. In 2011, she started RockYourWriting.com, with the mission of helping novelists make a living. She has helped hundreds of authors as a developmental editor, writing coach, and through her “plot sessions” – one-on-one calls that get authors from concept to plot points in one hour. She’s also written the Rock Your Writing series of reference books, taking authors through the writing cycle, from concept to completion. Sign up for her newsletter, and you can receive free downloads to help you plot and revise your novel.
Great review. I read this book a few months ago and loved it.
This year I said “yes” to retiring from writing (again), then later I said “yes” to coming out of retirement (again), but never mind.
It’s such a great book! I’m glad that you’re out of writing retirement — your initial “yes” might’ve been a defensive one. Thanks for commenting!
Cathy, as an introvert I can relate. Some of the most significant changes in my life have come when I have shed my natural cautiousness and said ‘yes’ to something that I knew was outside my comfort zone. For example, though I was a journalism major and worked for many years as a newspaper reporter, I didn’t know if I could write fiction. But I knew I wanted to try. I had to try. And I did. I made lots of mistakes early on. I wrote a couple of really awful starter novels. And then I learned the craft. It was painful, but I’m glad I said yes. As the character Joel said in Risky Business, “Sometimes you just have to say, ‘What the [expletive deleted].'”
I’m glad you said yes to fiction. It might hurt sometimes, but in my opinion, it’s worth it. :)
I’m into a new project. Something is goading me. Make it hard. Do impossible things. Such as…
Give away some plot early on.
Adopt a different narrative voice.
Through the story, answer one of philosophy’s great questions–one that stumps even philosophers.
I’m saying yes.
WOOT! :) Swing for the fence with that yes!
Saying “Yes” to an entirely new genre really opened my writing up, lit it up, improved it beyond my expectations. Yes is such a powerful word.
Cathy, I loved your post. The yes that changed my writing life — was agreeing to write half the issue on bioterrorism. [no, no, no, I am NOT a terrorist, just a microbiologist, LOL ] It was my debut. And if I set aside all my fears, I’d turn down all the WFH for a year and work on my novel. I began by saying no to one project that came my way, that’s fairly long-term and well paying, so it’s a start.
But the biggest yes so far in life, that has made me into a new and better person is saying Yes to Jesus 7 yrs ago. There simply are no words. I will be a saint one day with God’s grace.
I think I may need this book in my life.
I’ve recently said “Yes!” to self-care, which is huge in a quiet way for me. I am now seeing a therapist, and I try to practice yoga, meditate, and keep a journal on a regular basis. Little things that have been so empowering. One of my great yes moments of the year was entering the WU flash fiction contest. I told myself that if by some miracle I won I would go to the UnCon again. That it was meant to be (and somehow meant I wasn’t selfish for going again. My brain is weird).
Another writing-related yes was to answer that silent, gracious voice you spoke of and begin work on the book I’ve wanted to write for years. It’s not horror or fantasy, as were the trunk novels I’ve done before. It’s simply the book I would write if I could only write one book. I will say yes to writing many more after this one, of course. Writing is my heart.
Great post. Thank you for inspiring us today!
“I have a Greek chorus of fears that tend to scream like ten-year-olds on a roller coaster.”
Wow, that is so exactly how it feels … and that line will go down as one of my all-time favorites. To have that exact sense of all-over-the-place anxiety and take a breath, visualize those kids on the coaster, and smile. This is a perfect sentence to describe the feeling so precisely, and yet mindfully solve the anxiety at the same time.
But I digress from saying yes.
Saying yes to my current job as a longshore worker turned out to be an experience which gave me money and freedom, but eats at my authentic self as well as my ability to mentally challenge myself … but working on my novel has fulfilled both of those avenues which came out of another scary time when I said yes (well more like she said yes, but hey, who’s counting) to working with a Story editor who beats me down like a slug in the gut from Mike Tyson (and yes, she has bitten my ears off). But had I not said yes to both of these opportunities, I couldn’t even predict where I’d be in my life right now. And let’s not forget saying yes to getting married. Now that was a whirlwind I’ll never forget.
As for the next Yes on the horizon, I don’t know what that is yet, and based on past experiences, I’m excited and terrified of what that will be.
I appreciate this post so much! I’m one of those socially awkward people who is terrified of saying yes. But life is so amazing with opportunity when we’re open to it. Like meeting someone on an airplane or wherever, and you just connect with that person. Those times when you’re so in the zone and on the same page that you forget to be afraid or intimidated. I can only hope my next Yes will conjure up from something like that.
Thank you! I’m saving this post (and buying Shonda’s book).
My big big yes. Yes, this is the person I am. And that is not the person I was raised to be. There was nothing wrong with the way I was raised, but I was raised in a biblically traditional household in a in a biblically traditional state. Again not a thing wrong with that, but about ten years into adulthood I realized I was playing a part. Living according to a prescription that did not work for me. After that, it was kind of like falling down the stairs backwards. One revelation leading to the next without me even seeing them coming. And Poof! I’m on a different floor.
I’ll have what she’s having.
I’ve been curious about this book, and now you’ve convinced me to take a look. As an introvert who just moved to a new city, I know I need a reminder, even though I decided a long time ago to try to say yes to whatever scares me (unless it involves potential bodily harm, then I generally trust my gut).
Some of my best Yeses to date:
– starting my own business in my early 20s (which ultimately failed but led to many new opportunities)
– joining Toastmasters in my mid 20s
– seriously pursuing writing
– attending my first writing conference
– agreeing to submit a proposal for Scrivener For Dummies :-)
– taking on a part-time contributor role here at WU!
My next challenge is to meet more people locally.
I love the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I’m not sure I encounter that many fear-inducing opportunities, but when I do, I try to say, “Yes.” ;-) Thanks!
HI Cathy,
I’m being told to say NO all the time – as a way of maintaining focus and keeping a target priority on track until completion. It’s really refreshing to hear the other side of opening up and allowing in some new ideas!
Thanks for suggestions – I’ve seen this book mentioned before but now I can say yes to giving it a read!
Thanks
Bren
Ask me to read from my work before an audience of thousands and I’ll say, YES. After reading, I’ll shake the President’s hand, then scurry to a corner and radiate introversion. I want to meet people, but I have no talent for small talk. Which means I need to read the book, I guess.
Saying yes to booking a ten minute pitch session with Donald Maass at the Surrey Writer’s Conference.