Remember Why You Started
By Erika Robuck | September 29, 2016 |
This was a difficult post.
I began by writing it; then I deleted it. I tried to write it again, but the words seemed too stark and impersonal. I took a walk and imagined a better way to say the things I needed to say. Then it dawned on me:
Just *say* it.
How have you made peace with your novel in the drawer, or with a setback in your career?
Erika Robuck (@ErikaRobuck) self-published her first novel, RECEIVE ME FALLING. Penguin Random House published her subsequent novels, HEMINGWAY’S GIRL, CALL ME ZELDA, FALLEN BEAUTY, THE HOUSE OF HAWTHORNE, and GRAND CENTRAL, a collaborative short story anthology. Erika writes about and reviews historical fiction at her blog, Muse, and is a contributor to fiction blog, Writer Unboxed. She is also a member of the Historical Novel, Hemingway, Millay, and Hawthorne Societies.
First, I must say how good it is to see you in the 2D flesh again, Erika!
Second…boy, if ever there were someone who needed to hear this today, it would be me. For personal reasons, my writing time has become non-existent. I’ll not go into it, but it would make a good book. ;) As a matter of fact, all I’ve been able to do concerning my professional career is to jot notes as they come and throw them in my ms envelope.
I’ve been on that pity party lately (for heck, months…years?) and wonder if I’ll ever get my career successfully off the ground. I keep telling myself that this major obstacle I’ve yet to overcome shall eventually pass.
Thank you for your video that assures me it will.
I can’t remember…will you be in Salem? If so, I’ll see you there. :D
Thank you, Mike! I’m so glad this resonated with you, and I wish you luck getting back on track. I have no doubt you will.
Sadly, I am unable to attend the festivities in Salem this year. I will be sobbing quietly, missing you all that week.
WOW! You tell it like it is! Thanks for your inspirational video!
Thanks, Beth. :)
First off, Erika, I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know that we ever really get over losing our parents, though how we feel that loss changes over time.
As for your ending question, I don’t really have an answer, except that, each time I’ve wrapped up one book, I’ve been fortunate to have another to write. I still hope that all of them can end up published some day, but as time passes, I grow more distant from the ones that haven’t made it yet, and the possibility that they may never make it doesn’t hurt as much as it did when I first put them in the drawer.
Thank you. The grief has changed. It’s less active, but has left an underlying sadness in me. I think that’s something I’ll have to learn to live with.
I imagine that the stages of grief are similar for any loss, including “lost” or unpublished work, though on a far less dramatic scale. It’s still fresh now (with the manuscript). I look forward to that distance you mention.
Erika-
The change in your voice and face is dramatic. Your pity party is strained, but when you discover your new project your tone and expression relax.
About remainders…so what? All hardcovers wind up with extra warehouse stock rendered unsalable by the lower priced paperback edition. Happens to everyone. Totally normal.
The bigger losses are your mom, your editor and the drawer novel. Mom and the editor won’t come back. That’s sad. Happens to us all, sure, but be good to yourself. It takes time.
The drawer novel, though…after 21 books (under other names), here’s what I’ve learned: The drawer project doesn’t work not because the world isn’t ready for it but because I’m not. I haven’t learned enough about *this particular type of novel* to pull it off.
I have learned something from the experience, though, and that’s good. On to the next. Like right now. A new story is brewing. Am I starting over? Definitely. New idea, new challenges. But here’s the thing: I’m starting over from a different starting line.
If I come up short on a given project, my gain is long term. I keep gaining all the time, and what’s pitiful about that?
Benjamin, thank you. You would make a great coach.
What a excellent perspective–we are starting from a different line. No effort is wasted.
I appreciate your insights.
Good morning, Erika~
First, so sorry for the loss of you mother. Big hugs.
Ah, writing, storytelling…publishing. My books first found a home with a traditional publisher. Not the best experience, but a decent foothold in an increasingly dissonant world.
Now, I self-publish and the happiness quotient has increased exponentially. There is no more talk of a story not being a “Deborah Coonts” book. I write and publish what I choose–and each project finds an audience… eventually.
In the freedom, I have rediscovered the joy of writing.
And I have no more novels that live in a drawer.
Thank you, Deborah.
I started in self-publishing, so I’m not totally averse to the idea. I just haven’t worked out if the rejections are a signal to me that the book is not ready for one reason or another, or I should just take control of the reins. This will take some time.
Best wishes with your career. I’m so glad to hear you have recaptured that joy!
Erika, oh how I wish we could get together for a cup of coffee! Same here, same here, only with only two novels out to your four. In the past year, after my publisher’s entire, ambitious PR plan for the “personal victory” novel I had been preparing for 17 years to write (THE FAR END OF HAPPY) fell through: mom died, aunt died (wiping out that generation in my family), two full proposals rejected by my publisher and one idea quashed by my agent. These ideas were not deemed “a step up in brand.” I felt completely untethered. What is my brand, how do I step it up, and what the heck am I doing here?
Sensing very much the thing you spoke of in this lovely video post—that I needed to reconnect with the reason I was doing this—I told my agent I was going to go do what I know how to do: write a novel. It took months to hone my idea but now I am waist deep in it, in love with my characters, and again firing on all cylinders. Like you, I am starting over and will go on wide submission.
It’s so hard when our efforts don’t align with the powers that be but what can we do? Just keep the faith that we were called to this, and that we were outfitted with the talent and perseverance for a reason. Hugs, my friend!
Oh, Kathryn! I feel for you!! Yes, we need coffee together.
I do believe these losses are opportunities for growth and learning. It’s painful shedding old skins thought, isn’t it?
Thank you for your uplifting words. I reflect them back to you.
Well… I guess when it comes to old manuscripts, I have sort of a writerly existential issue. While I do have a huge bottom desk drawer filled with them (as well as filling a trunk beside my desk – yeah – I used to print a version of every manuscript attempt, for all four of my WIPs – and they’re not tiny), I really don’t consider them “in the drawer.” While the old versions are physically there, I simply refuse to consider them “shelved.” Since I write in one world, focused on just a few family bloodlines, I just can’t consider the characters within those covers as anything but alive and well, and waiting. Waiting for me to make them worthy for the world.
I read in one of Tolkien’s biographies (I think it was Tom Shippey’s book) that he had much of the world built, and understood the story he wanted to tell (what eventually became LoTR), but just couldn’t quite get it started. He’d start but then get stuck. So he just kept starting over. Again and again, in fact… “like waves crashing to shore,” till he got it right. I’ve never forgotten that line.
So I each time I get stuck, or I find that my last attempt didn’t make an impact, I just think, “Ah well, just another wave. Another’s bound to build and make way to shore.” Since the reason I started writing was to tell stories like these, here’s to remembering that these attempts are just waves. And here’s to an eventual tidal wave.
Sorry for your loss, Erika. What Jeffo said is so true – it’s a loss that never leaves us, but it does continue to evolve. Thanks for this vital reminder. Also, great *seeing* you. Sorry you won’t be in Salem. You’ll be missed!
Thank you, Vaughn. Those are wise, wise words. If TOLKIEN went through this, we have to expect it, yes?!
On a side note, I got a kick out of your wave metaphor. In the novel I have deemed “shelved” one character tells the protagonist, “The waves come in sets of seven. Then seven more. And seven after that. You know you have to tread water until your set comes.”
Still treading… :)
Tolkein went through this?!!!
I love the wave metaphor too. Let’s keep treading :)
Dear Erika,
Your openness resounds in my heart and I weep over loss, disappointment and the love that lifts us onward. Your honesty is an extraordinary inspirational gift for all artists. Thank you for sharing your faith in the creative cycle.
Thank you, Jocosa. You have such a lovely way with words.
I will miss you when you are in Salem.
Best wishes with your writing!
I love this video and you are very well-suited to the format. So sorry about the personal and professional blows. It’s so daunting to navigate those stormy publishing waters, but I strongly believe good writers find the right fit after losing an editor. Sounds like you have something new to be excited about.
And on a personal level, I realized this morning that I’m going to have to put aside a book that just will not quite jell. I almost never do it, but enough already. A couple of days ago, a sweet whisper of a new idea came waltzing in, and maybe that will give me the courage to bundle up the one that’s not working and move along.
Thanks for a great post!
Barbara, I hope that sweet whisper becomes the mighty roar that is your next work in progress. It takes a certain level of courage to push aside an idea that isn’t working, doesn’t it? But we’ll be stronger for it.
Thank you for your kind comments. Best wishes in your writing.
First, let me offer big hugs on the loss of your mother–we motherless daughters are affected on a fundamental level. The world is a strange place when your mother is no longer here. It never goes away, we simply learn to live with it. Again, big hugs.
With your readership and connections/friends/colleagues in the book world, I wonder if self-publishing your ‘drawer book’ would be an option to look into? The mechanics may not be something you want to bother with, but there are many reputable folks willing to do the ins and outs…
Lastly, thank you so much for reaching out, for sharing–for both identifying with those who’ve dealt with similar things and for simply sharing a bit of life with others. What is life if not connection after connection after connection?
I hope the encouragement you receive is helpful to you.
Onward with that exciting new story! xo
Thank you, Dana. I appreciate your kindness.
Yes, losing a mother is so…disorienting. I have finally gotten to the point where I wake up knowing she’s gone without the gut-punch of remembering, but damn–it’s so sad.
I think about self-publishing again quite a bit. This industry is in such a state of flux; it might be worth my time. But–having self-published in the past–I know the amount of energy it takes, and I don’t currently possess it. If the energy returns for the shelved book in the future, I’ll give it more thought.
Happy Writing!
First off, thank you for that open, honest and revealing video post, Erika. (I just shared it on Twitter.)
Secondly, I LOVE the sound of your “drawer” novel and if you truly feel it’s the best thing you’ve written, don’t let the gatekeepers decide its fate. You have a large enough platform and enough devoted fans to consider going indie with it.
My first novel (since remaindered, by the way) was traditionally published (albeit by a small press). I opted to go indie with my follow-up effort, which did quite well and even got optioned by HBO for development into a TV series — and I didn’t have HALF the platform you do. Just something to consider. I know it’s not a simple decision, especially for an author of your stature.
Thanks again for your share. That said, you may have ruined my writing for today. I write dark comedy, and now I’m feeling too moved and somber to be funny and satirical. (Insert image of me shaking a fist at you. Then smiling.)
Best,
GL
Ha! I’m sorry I made you feel somber, but I couldn’t help but laugh at your description.
Thank you for your words of encouragement and inspiration, and CONGRATULATIONS on your success! I send you big wishes that it continues, and appreciate your input. I will consider it.
Erika, story telling, story writing have always been part of my life. Currently, my focus is more than 75% writing, but I haven’t always been able to give it that much attention. Your words are encouraging. All of us lead two lives: the writer life and the personal life. They overlap and there’s that interplay–my mother’s dying had to go down on the page in a story; now every day something sparks a note that might go into my novel. Possibly the very “open-to write” aspect of being a writer is the journey. Thanks for your voice.
Beth, I love that you said being open to writing these stories is the journey. I process everything through my writing, so it’s almost silly I thought I needed a break from it.
Best wishes to you. Onward!
Thank you Erika. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent changes the landscape in so many ways. I also appreciate your willingness to talk about your professional reversals. But I honestly didn’t hear self-pity. What I heard was a storyteller talking about being a storyteller. So yes, you empowered me this morning. You reminded me of what really matters. My novel-in-a-drawer has turned out to be the fourth book in a series and will probably bear little resemblance to its present self once I get done with it. But the distance from it (5 years) has been a blessing because that distance led me to the rest (or the beginning) of the story. I also take great heart from Vaughn’s Tolkien quote!! Again, thanks for a powerful post and for all the wonderful responses it has inspired.
I’m glad you didn’t hear self-pity. If I had filmed this video weeks ago, you would have detected many notes of self-pity, bitterness, etc. I had to let my head clear.
Revisions always help a work become more what it was destined to be, so I believe you are right, and I’m so glad you’ve been happy with your own changes and progress.
Happy Writing!
Erika, I’m so sorry about your mother’s death. May she rest in peace. You’ve done the right thing despite the setbacks, keep on writing about what excites you.
I too have many short stories languishing in my filing cabinet. Sometimes the time is right for them to come out. But I have too many ideas to worry about what I’ve put aside or away. There’s always the thrill of the new story. Of course, I have to be disciplined because it’s amazing how many shiny new ideas distract me from the work at hand. LOL.
I listened to you this morning with a cup of tea and wish I could pour you a cup too.
Thank you so much, Vijaya.
The new and shiny are intoxicating; it’s the beginning of the relationship. Wouldn’t it be nice to exist always in that state? But no, we know the goods come from digging in, polishing, shaping.
I raise a virtual tea-cup to you. Cheers!
I have been where you are. And as awful as it is, I do hope readers see that the loss of someone you love tempers grief over a book.
Losing our family matters. Losing our books because of reasons beyond our control? Painful, yes, but comparatively, a drop in the bucket.
Because your talent was not lost, it was always there. That’s what your mother might have told you, I suspect. Mine would have said, “you’re working too hard, rest, go for a walk.”
I’m glad we both walked until we found it again. :)
Yes, Kelly, the magnitude of grief over a loved one versus a manuscript doesn’t compare, only the stages.
Best wishes in your work!
This was just what I needed to hear. Thank you. I, too, have put a manuscript in the drawer … recently. I think it’s my best story ever, but it may never see the light of day. It’s hard. It haunts me, nags at me, visits me in the middle of the night. But I have to move on. I keep reminding myself why I started this journey: because I love to write stories. So … forward it is … I am moving on.
I’m sorry to hear you are still so haunted by your manuscript. I hope its deeper message makes its way into your next story.
Best wishes.
Erika,
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Your video resonated because I’ve been thinking why I love to tell stories and what’s missing in mine. I realized that the stories I like to read and the films I enjoy have a social lesson about race, gender relations, politics, etc. I came to realize that I was so tied up in the mechanics of storytelling that I wasn’t including what I love.
Thankfully, I don’t have to go back to the drawing board. I can weave in those elements, but I do have a completed novel in the digital drawer that might be worth revisiting and revising and another one that I started last year that was set aside for my own set of personal reasons.
So, onward with the constant reminder of why we write what we write.
I’m glad you have reconnected with your passion and what drives you. Here’s to those “shelved” manuscripts and hopes that their finer points might one day see the light of day.
Love this, Erika! Thanks for your honesty. I think we hear so much about the rosiness of having been published that we believe once it happens, it will always be rosy. It’s good to hear about how to handle the lows.
I have a couple of books in the drawer. I’ve identified the problems and used them for parts in other books. If I go back to them, the parts I cut out are the ones that weren’t working in these books, so they’ll be different.
Thank you, Margaret! I know I don’t often (read: ever) post about the unpleasant side of the business, but it’s reality.
I believe the universe is on my side with the timing of this. I’m supposed to be getting a message right now, though I’m unable to discern precisely what that is at the moment.
Good luck to you. I love your work.
I’m going to try not to write a novella here. (I relate to so much of this I could go on and on!) Here goes… I also self-pubbed my first book, and then the 2nd. That 2nd book was then bought by a publisher, along with a 3rd. When I presented my 1/2-done 4th book… they felt it wasn’t quite “on brand.” (If you ask me, it’s totally my brand – but it is a bit different since this book includes magic.) They wanted me to change it to “more believable” magic – but to me, if you’re in for a penny w/ magic, you’re in for a pound, no? Also the changes they wanted just didn’t make sense to me so I couldn’t do it.
Two weeks after that, my mom died. I haven’t written a word since. On top of that, menopause hit my like a brick wall a few months after that (joy.) and the lack of sleep and whatnot since then just makes me feel “blah” and not myself. (Since my books include a lot of humor, feeling “blah” is really not a great head-space to be in.)
So, yes, I will join your pity-party!
I’ve really not been feeling the whole publishing/marketing thing. I DO keep telling myself to remember why I started and just go back to the “fun” of writing, but my brain keeps jumping ahead to the publishing/marketing part. I guess I should dig that 4th ms out and at least LOOK at it and see if I get that feeling of fun back that I had while working on it.
As for you…. am I the only one who thinks you should go ahead and self-pub that book you finished?? It sounds great! I honestly don’t really understand publishers pushing authors to write variations on the same book over and over. As a reader, I don’t want to read the same types of books over and over. I like to read a variety of things. I mean I can see if the book strays *really* far from the existing works, it makes sense… but if the voice is similar … I dunno. I keep running these ideas/questions around in my head, wondering if I should just go back to self-publishing and go ahead and finish that “magic” book – or put it in a drawer and move on. Will my readers love it or hate it?? I dunno.
Anyway… you’ve given me much to think about this morning. I DO need to get that ms back out and look at it and see if I think it will be fun to go back and finish it. If not, I need to move on and start working on something else. (If only I could get rid of this “blah” feeling…)
Thanks for this! And all the best to you! So sorry for the loss of your mom. I’d always heard people say it doesn’t matter how old you are, losing your mom is just hard. I didn’t realize just how hard it would be until it happened to me. Sending a virtual hug your way.
(Oh dear… I think I did write a novella….) :)
Thank you for your comments, Jackie. On the personal side, I am so sorry you have also had to go through this. The sleeplessness was hell. I also had trouble breathing for awhile, and then a breast cancer scare. Good times.
It was all related, however. And I found the right medicine: you have to cry. I don’t know about you, but I rarely cried. I didn’t want to upset my loved ones, but I wasn’t helping them. I was showing them that you stifle grief. But grief won’t be stifled, it will manifest itself in other ways in your health until you look it squarely in the eye and cycle through it. So CRY if you do not already. Salt water heals.
I think about self-publishing the book all the time, but I also have a healthy respect for the gatekeepers in publishing, and if they don’t want to publish this book, perhaps it’s not the right time.
On the other hand, some of the feedback has been specific to a theme in the book: racism. No one wants to tackle that right now. I can understand their fear, but a part of me thinks now is the time to keep the conversation going.
We shall see…
Anyway, I wrote a novella back to you.
Best wishes and hugs to you. xo
I think the same… the gatekeepers know what they’re doing – so if they didn’t like my book, they must be right. But then I remember all the mistakes publishers have made over the years and wonder….
As for the racism theme – gosh, it sure seems to me this is exactly the time to have a book that touches on that. It’s definitely something we need to be having conversations about in this country right now.
Publishers aren’t really known for taking big risks. That’s another reason I like self-pubbling. Not that I’m a big risk-taker myself, but I don’t mind taking a small one!
And I’m also big on DIY… in all things, I suppose even in trying to deal with my grief. Probably not an instance where the DIY route is the way to go…
Thanks for the advice and best wishes back at you!!
I constantly cycle through all of these points of view, myself. The path doesn’t seem clear to me at the moment, but I trust the process. A way will show itself. I just have to be patient.
And write on…
This really hits home for me, Erika, (and by the looks of it, for many others too.) Not in the same way… I’m lucky to have both of my parents still, healthy in their 80’s. And my publishing route so far is different.
But, “life” side-swiping our writing concentration, and anything else we struggle to use our brain on, can really take a toll. I struggled years ago (while going through an awful divorce) to put one step in front of the other. I saw my best friend struggle with pain med addiction for years before succumbing to cancer. Every week I hear of what others deal with in their daily lives.
I ended up using all of this pain and knowledge to write my first book which talks about a woman losing almost everything and finding help in a group of women who’ve “been there, experienced that” who pull her off the couch and back to living.
I’m only mentioning that because I think the general population thinks “Look at ____, they’ve got it all”.
You’ve been brave enough to let us see a glimpse behind your success.
I thank you for opening your heart, I am sure it was a tough video to do.
Thank you, Jill.
That is the challenge: not allowing the struggles to pull us away from what we are meant to do.
I appreciate your comments.
I’m sorry for the rough time you’ve been having, Erika, with so many troubles coming on you at once. My own mother (ten years gone) used to say, “If it’s not one thing, it’s twenty.”
I don’t have a book in a drawer, though lots of short stories and poems that will probably never be published. I think of them like King Arthur and his knights sleeping under the hill, ready to come forth again when needed. That’s a fancy way of saying I haven’t completely given up on the idea that I might do something with them in the future.
I love the advice that you’ve offered–so true–and look forward to reading your new story in a year or two. <3
Thank you, Barbara. I love your mother’s old saying; it’s the truth!
Didn’t Da Vinci say, “All art is never finished, only abandoned.” Perhaps these stories are just abandoned for now, but will rise to new life in the future.
Best wishes with your writing.
I needed to hear your words today. I have had almost 2 years of little movement in my writing.
My heart goes out to you – I lost my mom 8 years ago and it took a long time to move forward.
I am still trying to rework a novel I believe in – one more time.
If you believe in that story, you probably try to breathe new life into it. Best wishes, Bev!
Gosh Erica, what a disappointment you are at throwing a pity party. That wasn’t a pity party at all—rather you taking reasoned measure after some losses, and setting a course, less chastened than wise. (Though the loss of your mom can’t really be measured.)
As for that drawer creature of yours, I’d think of it not as dead, but sleeping. It still can rise in its time. I have a drawer full of writing ideas and false starts, but though their clothing is out of style now, remember what happened with plaid.
I wrote one of my first long short stories when I was 11. Titled, “Christmas in Globphobia,” it was on a planet where the inhabitants had pages for hands, with stories on them, a weird way they communicated. It probably wouldn’t help my brand (whatever on God’s green earth that is), but I do wish I had it in the drawer, since it’s now lost to the ages.
My mother is 94—you remind me I owe her a call. Thank you for a heartening discussion.
From plaid, to Globphobia, to 94 year old mothers, I love everything about this. Thank you, Tom.
Erika, this is the most brave, smart, video I have seen. You are an incredible writer, and you are right–this is a career and all careers have ups and downs. (My 1st novel was a success, then the next 8 were total failures. But I rebounded on my 9th). And I love that line “never forget why you started.” Sending you love.
You are a major inspiration for me, personally and professionally, Caroline. I love your work and your positive spirit. Thank you so much!
Big, big, virtual hug, Erika.
I was about to join your pity party. I donned a similar dress and shined my size seven examples of personal woes…then decided to stay home and share this with you instead….
Two weeks ago, I pulled a book from a shelf in my new living room and sat down to read. A few things struck me:
1. I’d spent a year building the house and the library was my most cherished feature
2. While the rest of the house was still in boxes, my books were neatly arranged by genre, favorites, etc
3. This was the first chance I’d had to read in months, never mind write
4. I was THRILLED to be back at it
Why is this relevant to your pity party? Because the book I pulled to read was HEMINGWAY’S GIRL (by Erika Robuck).
I do not lie. Life and disappointment had taken my time and energy by the reins, had forced me to ignore my need to read and write. But in the end, I found my way back to a story. Your story. Reading it pulled me back to where I belong. You did that, Erika. You shared your story with me, when I needed it most.
Toast at your pity party. And when you’re done, remember the way you feel when you write. Remember that others feel the same when they read your work. From that place, you will always find your way out of the darkness.
And I’ll follow behind you with my party shoes. :)
Hugs,
Dee
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT
What a great and personal way to share your story…the ups and the downs. Erika, you are easy to listen to and very inspiring. I wish for you, and this next passion project, the very best!
Thank you so much, Ella! May all our passion projects come to fruition!
Big, big, virtual hugs, Erika.
I was about to join your pity party. I donned a similar dress and shined my size seven personal woes…then decided to stay home and share this with you instead….
Two weeks ago I pulled a book from a shelf in my new living room and sat to read. I was struck by the following:
1. After a year of building the house, the library was still my most cherished feature
2. Although I was surrounded by boxes, my books were on shelves, neatly arranged by genre, favorites, etc
3. This was the first chance I’d had to read in months, never mind write
4. I was THRILLED to be back at it
Why is this relevant to your pity party? Because the book I pulled to read was HEMINGWAY’S GIRL (by Erika Robuck).
I do not lie. Life and disappointment had taken my time and energy by the reins and I wondered if I’d ever find my way back to ‘the story’. Then I read your book. You took me there. You did that, Erika. You shared your story with me, when I needed it most.
Toast at your pity party. Eat chocolate. And when you’re done, remember why you write. Remember how it feels to pour a story onto the page. Remember that readers feel that passion right along with you. Then dust off those heels and get back at it.
I’ll be right behind you. :)
Hugs,
Dee
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT
DEE! THANK YOU!
What a kind and empowering thing to tell me. I appreciate it, and wish you all the best.
Thank you, thank you.
I found a lot of inspiration in this, and I’ll probably never write a thing! Thanks!
I’m so glad to hear it, Mike. Thank you!
Thank you for having the courage to share. Sometimes we feel alone in our misery, be it personal or professional, and hearing about someone else’s struggles helps us to deal with our own.
After my first historical sold I gathered research material for my second novel and began writing. But then. Our house burned to the ground, taking with it my manuscript and all my research. We quite literally had only the clothes on our back. My little dog was run over and killed as well as one of our horses. All within a matter of a few months. My passion for writing was replaced with deep despair.
For a long time I found it difficult to even think about writing, never mind put pencil to paper – I do much of my first draft in longhand. Eventually I realized I wouldn’t be truly content until I returned to the characters I’d abandoned and told their story. Once again I gathered research material and began to write.
But then. My mother passed away. Mom left me a lovely antique spinet converted into a writing desk and it serves as a ‘writing prompt’. The beautiful old thing reminds me of my mother and her faith in me as a writer. It reminds me that although things change, the reason I write hasn’t changed. I love to tell stories.
Oh, Linnea! I cannot imagine. You have suffered unimaginable loss, and yet you rise. May you find the story again and bring it to life in new ways. My heart is with you.
Hi, Erika:
Briefly: when my career seemed to be in limbo, I tried to do a little reinvention with a comic novel about a mystery-writing nun who gets wrapped up in a real crime.
The book didn’t sell, and as I re-read it now I see why. It just didn’t work.
But I loved the introduction and thought something could be salvaged from it. So with a little nipping and tucking I made a short story of it, titled “Babylon Sister.”
Fast Forward: The story was chosen by Narrative Magazine as a Story of the Week, and then got chosen as one of the top five Stories of the Week from the past two years.
Also, I had another novel my previous agent sent around to wholesale rejections. I got some (overdue) feedback from an editor and some beta readers, and rewrote it. However, given the previous round of rejections, there was nowhere in NY to go with it.
I ended up submitting it to Thomas & Mercer, the Amazon crime imprint, and they bought it, and it’s done quite well. A follow-up novella with the same protagonist has also done well, and both projects are being considered for a TV series.
Also, after several years of rejections for a script written by me and two friends (one being Charlotte Stoudt, the story editor for Homeland, the other an ex-bank robber and memoirist, Joe Loya), a production company is wildly enthusiastic about it, and wants to consider a miniseries based on it and a similar concept.
Last, to echo your point about each book being its own challenge, the one I’m working on now is also a bit of a departure, but still within my wheelhouse. It’s giving me headaches, night sweats, the heebie-jeebies — but all in a positive way. If a book doesn’t scare you, it’s not worth writing. (And yes, it’s s story I’ve wanted to write forever, and I remind myself why each morning when I begin.)
So, bottom line: You can’t hit a home run if you don’t step to the plate. And keep stepping.
Great “post.” Best of luck with the new book. And don’t lock that drawer.
You are an inspiration, David. Congratulations on all your success, and best wishes!
Ah, another Steely Dan fan (I presume?). I just recently referenced “a squonk’s tears,” and was gratified when the major dude I was conversing with acknowledged the origin (for us, anyway). Great comment, David. And what a wonderful outpouring you’ve inspired, Erika. (Rightfully so!)
Okay, I don’t mean to sound loopy, but Steely Dan was my mom’s favorite band. :) Do you believe in winks from the universe?
Erika, many condolences on the loss of your mother. The people we love are the most important thing in the world.
Thank you for a beautiful and truthful video! I have been thinking recently that each writer’s career is so different, that both huge joys and dreadful disappointments come at random and that as I change, my writing changes and often editors and publishers and what is popular to readers change– and I think the only constant is my love of story and what I feel I am meant to write. I also feel that books if they are any good come through us with a huge spiritual wind driving them… And as Madeleine L’Engle used to say, “just get out of the way.”
Thank you for this wonderful video!
L’Engle has so many wise words, doesn’t she? I love her spiritual writing memoir.
I know you have suffered tremendous loss I cannot imagine, Stephanie, and you constantly inspire me with your prayerful, joyful spirit.
The only thing certain is change, yes? So we must adapt if we are to remain afloat.
Blessings to you.
Oh, Erika–I love this. Bravo, you amazing woman. And thank you for being so open and honest.
Thank you, Barbara. And thank you for your friendship over the years. It has meant so much.
I wrote my first novel in 1997, but my wife died of cancer, and I stopped writing and began drinking heavily. In 2013, a stranger recognized my name and had read my first book. She had enjoyed the story, and encouraged me to start writing again. That chance meeting was just what I needed to hear at the right moment. I quit drinking and began writing a series of novels.
James, I am so sorry for your loss.
I have a feeling your wife was looking out for you from beyond. That meeting might not have been by chance.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you, Erika. I believe she is.
Yes, yes, yes! I believe our why should be the backbone for everything we do. Parenting, writing, teaching, coaching, etc. It all lacks substance and value if we aren’t in touch with why we do it in the first place.
“If you follow your WHY, then others will follow you.”-Start with Why, Simon Sinek.
I’m so glad you are back to doing what you love and writing a story that you need to tell. Write because you love sharing stories. The End.
Love this video and lots of love you. Mwah!
“If you follow your why…” I LOVE that, Hallie! What outstanding motivation.
Thank you for your kind words and support.
Brave words dear writer,
I send you good thoughts and love. I too, maybe in the same boat with the big publisher merge. I am bracing myself for the worst but I am strangely not disheartened. I seem to have found my niche and built some kind of a platform with my readers. Their validation gives me courage. I am sure you feel the same way. What the future holds nobody can tell but I know you will alright no matter what happens because you have opened our hearts with your sweet honesty. Goodwill and blessing believe me, is a powerful thing. Hugs! Shona
Thank you, Shona. That was very kind.
I wish you well!!
Erika,
Bravo. That is a wonderful video. Sending condolences on losing your mom – it’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone though and I wish you peace. The missing never has gone away for me – even 19 years later – but now the missing itself is loving. There are still days I cry, but its not as bitter, not as brutal and in the tears is all the wonder of what we had.
As for starting over – I have 4 books in drawers and have had to start over completely 3 times. Oddly 10 days ago, I put 6 months of research and notes and characters that I’ve been hugely invested in – into that drawer and I feel your pain.
Writing is an art but publishing is a business – and a very volatile and broken business right now.
You are totally right and sound so healthy about it. We should write because we want to tell a story. We should write because we have a burning to put words to paper. And most of all we should write because we can’t not write.
3 times I’ve walked away – the way you did – and each time – a story pulled me back in. You’re on the right track and you’re going to be fine. Readers don’t need publishers or agents or editors or a sales force or printers — readers need story tellers. Everything else can go away or go to hell and we will still find out readers one way or another and that symbiotic relationship is what keeps us going.
“Writing is an art but publishing is a business – and a very volatile and broken business right now.” Yes, M. J. And we are adapters and survivors, so we’ll figure it out.
Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud. Without us, all of those people employed by our stories would be out of a job. I’m glad to be on this side.
Finally, I send you condolences on the loss of your mother. It never goes away. But aren’t we lucky that we had the kinds of mothers we did, the kinds we miss so fiercely. I wouldn’t trade a day of it.
Onward!
Hi Erika,
Great video and message. I’m sorry for your difficult loss.
I have one question: If you loved the ms that you put in your drawer, why aren’t you considering self-publishing again? If you love the story, won’t your readers?
I’m asking because I am an indie author (2 books published so far) and I’m trying to understand when to abandon a story and when to push forward to get it out there.
Thank you, Kimberly.
The question is one I ask myself daily. I’m trying to discern if the timing isn’t right (in a universal sense), or if I need change how I publish it (self vs. traditional). Self publishing requires quite a bit of stamina (which I currently lack) and a bit of hustle (which I hate.) Also, I love the team collaboration at a publisher. I believe editors and marketers and copy editors, and sales reps, and publicity help make the book its best self. I would miss that if I self published.
However, this is a personal story, set in my home state, and I have a built in audience and platform. Self-publishing might be exactly what this book calls for.
We still have a few irons in the fire in the traditional world. If something good doesn’t emerge from those, I’ll take a closer look at self-publishing this one.
Best wishes in your writing!
“Writing is an art but publishing is a business – and a very volatile and broken business right now.” Yes, M. J. And we are adapters and survivors, so we’ll figure it out.
Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud. Without us, all of those people employed by our stories would be out of a job. I’m glad to be on this side.
Finally, I send you condolences on the loss of your mother. It never goes away. But aren’t we lucky that we had the kinds of mothers we did, the kinds we miss so fiercely. I wouldn’t trade a day of it.
Onward!
I shelved a manuscript once because I had my doubts about it being a good first novel. Then I gave it a quick second chance and got a (spectacular) agent for it, but the reality became; it really wasn’t a good first novel from marketing standpoint. It hurt–a lot. It crushed my ego and brought me to a creative standstill for a bit while I swallowed the pill that the dream I had almost caught had flown away. But because of the solid feedback I received, I have now resolved that I’m simply going to have to establish a name for myself with something new in the genre first, and then maybe that one can be “the next book.” I don’t know if that’s what will ultimately happen, but it consoles me….
That is so frustrating, Lynette. I feel for you, and wish you the best.
Dear Writer’s Unboxed,
I have been a follower for many years, and what I enjoy is READING the posts. When someone does a video, I skip it. Please provide written transcripts for those posts that are vlogged. I like to READ your BLOG.
Thanks!
Erika!!
I’m so so so sorry about your mom. There are no words, but there are hugs and I hope you feel those now.
As for the drawer novel, as a reader, I hope you either succeed in finding the right editor or that you self publish. I don’t understand why the publishing industry underestimates the reader so much. Do they really believe we only want to read the same thing from the same author? We do not. Do we want to see an actor play the same type of part over and over? No. People are complex and our art should reflect that.
Thank you for your kind words and condolences, Lori. It means so much.
Erika, thanks for this. My first novel writing attempt was put into a drawer after it failed to help me find an agent. That left me time and mental room to write a second, which did get me my agent. That book is currently on submission. But even before I got my agent, I had already started writing a third. And right after I got my agent, I started a fourth. And the fourth is really the first, completely retooled. Same setting, some of the same characters (but different) along with new characters and new themes. It’s a completely different book, but writing that very first one, my practice novel, was the background work for it. And I’m having so much fun with it.
I’m glad I didn’t cling to the first one, the one that just wasn’t working, or I would never have made the professional and creative progress I’ve made so far.
Your story reminded me a lot of my husband’s. He had two books published and then ran into roadblocks that had him ready to quit the whole messy business. But after a period of self-pity and a week of blow after blow after blow, both professionally and personally, he’s found a renewed writing spark and is branching out into a new genre that I think suits him. Picking up and moving on. Remembering why he started — because he has stories to tell.
I am so happy to hear about your success, and wish your husband well in his transition.
In a comment above, someone said these works are not dead; they are sleeping. We can use them again in ways we might not foresee.
Thanks for your encouragement.