Killer Apps for Writers
By Bill Ferris | September 17, 2016 |
Warning: Hacks for Hacks tips may have harmful side effects on your writing career, and should not be used by minors, adults, writers, poets, scribes, scriveners, journalists, or anybody.
I recently read about The Most Dangerous Writing App, which, if you stop typing for five seconds, erases your work, forever. You thought you had deadline pressure? Buddy, THAT’S some deadline pressure.
I was so impressed by TMDWA, I went in search of other writing apps that inspire creativity through good, old-fashioned terror. Here are some other great apps that will help get your words flowing and your blood pressure skyrocketing.
- Your History, You’re History: If you don’t make your daily word count, this app will send your Internet search history to everyone in your phone’s contact list.
- Something Just Came Up: Once per week, you’ll have to work on your manuscript at the same time as an event scheduled in your Google calendar. Prove your dedication to the craft by skipping a meeting at work, or by missing your kid score a goal in soccer while your eyes were focused on your laptop. Even more insidious: Each word you type on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries counts double, so it’ll be REALLY tempting to write during those. If you fail to meet your session goal, you’ll receive a calendar invitation ominously titled “FUNERAL FOR THE DILETTANTE” scheduled for exactly one week later. You will try to RSVP “no,” but will find you cannot.
- Pop Quiz, Hotshot!: This Android and iPhone app will surprise you once a day by demanding you write 250 words. The good news: You have a whole hour to do this. The bad news: You’ll get locked out of your phone if you fail.
- Fail to the Chief: Step 1: Set your daily word count goal. Step 2: Write! Step 3: If you didn’t meet your goal, for every word that you came up short, the app will deduct one dollar from your bank account and donate it to the presidential candidate you hate most—it already knows which one because of your internet search history, which will be sent to that politician’s personal email address.
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photo by Drew Coffman
Write Noir: Your typewriter can get in on the act, also. It’s true! Just hammer out eight pages a day on your trusty vintage Remington, and then stick them in the mail. Each day you do this, you receive an additional piece of the map leading to the location where your dog is being held captive.
- Fab Collab: Team up with another author! By syncing with your Facebook account, Fab Collab scours your network for your fellow scribes until it finally partners you with your old high-school buddy who posts all those racist Facebook memes.
- Microsoft Word: Fill a blank page with words or else stare into the infinite, maddening white void, all the while knowing that, either way, you’re destined to toil in obscurity, and die penniless, unmourned, and unpublished. An all-time best seller.
What’s your favorite writing app? Spread the word about it in the comments!
After college, Bill Ferris (he/him) left Nebraska for Florida to become a rich and famous rock star. Failing that, he picked up the pen to become a rich and famous novelist. He now lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and looks forward to a life of poverty and ridicule.
Scrivener, of course. Because now I have it on my Mac, my PC at work, my iPad, and iPhone. Apparently its function is to remind you constantly that you consider yourself a “real writer,” so why aren’t you writing now instead of binge watching Brooklyn 99?
I suggest an app called the “No Cry Zone.” When your phone, tablet, or laptop is switched into airplane mode, you must keep typing. If you stop for more than 5 minutes, continuous audio of a shrieking toddler will pour from your speakers (at full volume). I’m pretty sure we don’t need FAA approval.
Thanks for the Saturday pick-me-up!
I almost didn’t open this when it arrived in my email inbox. I figured it was just another uninspired piece intended to convince writers there are magic tools that, when downloaded, will give them the talent and dedication they lack.
So glad I went against my better judgement and clicked to see more. Once again, Bill, you have managed to make me laugh out loud (no I will NOT use the acronym – or any freakin’ emojis, for that matter) while I’m procrastinating at my laptop and falling farther behind my self-imposed deadline for my next novel.
I recently wrote/posted a similar tongue-in-cheek piece I think you (and maybe others) might enjoy. It’s called “Solutions to Common Author Problems,” and while there’s no mention of any apps, it’s filled with satire and irreverence and snark, which I consider the holy trinity and what makes the world go round. Here’s the link to that piece if you’re interested: https://greglevin.com/scrawl-space-blog/solutions-to-common-author-problems
Thanks for yet another one of your sharp and hilarious takes on the writing life. There’s a reason why “@BillFerris” is near the top of a list I’ve compiled called “Retweet-Worthy Twitter Folks.”
Write on!
-GL
Somehow we get buried in Apps and good intentions. Thanks for the reminder!
Nice.
In particular, the first, third and fourth apps you describe would make me get a LOT more work done!
Oh man, these are hilarious and terrifying at the same time! I’m sure they would motivate me, but I’m also so glad I don’t *have* to use them. :P
Thanks for the laughs. I didn’t realize the first two were satirical and was astounded.
My elementary school-age children use the app called “They’re, There, Dear Deer.” It has my mother’s voice correcting their spelling, grammar, syntax and punctuation.
This was exactly what I needed. Hilarious… I get so wrapped up in apps thinking they will get me motivated when they really will not. Now to try to actually write instead of roaming emails and the internet.