Flog a Pro: would you pay to turn the first page of this bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | July 21, 2016 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for July 17, 2016. How strong is the opening page—would this narrative, all on its own, have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue.
Time is a tricky thing, Daniel said to his mother when he was still very young. When you wanted to savor something, it would speed by in a blur. When you wanted to get past something, it would drag on forever. Elaine Garland recorded the quote in her journal, because it was such an astute observation for an eight-year-old.
Much later, she would go back and read the entry, and think to herself that memories were that way, too. When you wanted to forget, everything would return in raw, brutal focus. When you wanted to remember, the details would slip away like a dream at dawn. It was that way for all of them now, though it was something they seldom discussed, at least not with one another. Nearly fifteen years had passed, both slowly and suddenly.
It happened the day after Daniel’s twenty-fifth birthday, and three days before Christmas. He was halfway through his third year of medical school at Yale, and had just returned home for the holidays following his clinical neuroscience rotation, bringing with him his girlfriend, Sophie, a beautiful, upper-crust Brit whom Daniel once called the most charming woman he’d ever met. The two had been dating for more than a year, but this was her first visit to Atlanta, as well as the first time meeting his parents and sisters. Everyone felt varying degrees of anxious, eager, hopeful. Elaine worried the most, both because she was the worrying kind and because Daniel didn’t have the best track record when it came to girls. His high school sweetheart had (snip
My vote and notes after the fold.
This is First Comes Love by Emily Giffin. Was this opening page compelling to you?
My vote: no.
I loved the voice and the writing, but for me there were no compelling story questions. Oh, there’s the “it happened” tease, but that kind of thing only irritates this reader. The “it” could be anything—for example, marrying the woman we soon learn about (that’s not “it”). We open with musing and then slide into backstory. I’m sure other readers would want to stay with it, but not me.
Your thoughts?
Turn the page for free by utilizing Amazon’s “Look inside” feature, and I recommend doing that if you have the time and interest. First Comes Love is here.
Stop by my Monday “Flog a BookBubber” feature at Flogging the Quill. BookBub is a website that offers free or very low cost ebooks. It is heavily used by self-publishers, though established authors are sometimes there.
We often see the meme on the Internet that self-published authors should have had editing done before they published. So the new Flog a BookBubber posts take a look at opening pages to see if that’s true. You can vote on turning the page and then on whether or not they should have sought an editor. Visit on Mondays and take a look.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
I thought the first two paragraphs were great.
The first sentence of paragraph three changed the entire tone, but okay, I’m still on board. But as that paragraph went on (and on), my interest waned, and when I got to the end, I thought, “Thank God that’s over!”
I voted ‘yes’ on this one. It was a close call, but I thought it was a great set up. Assuming Elaine is the mother, the reader anticipates something horrible is about to happen to her son. “It happened” is the key phrase here and to underscore the drama, the “it’ occurred right after Daniel’s birthday and before Christmas. It left me as a reader anxious to find out what happened to Daniel (I presume). I agree the story question is not clear, but it’s only the third paragraph. Thanks, Ray, for another great exercise.
I gave it a thumbs down. If the story started with the third paragraph and build off of that, I’d have been more likely to stick with it. As it was, I found myself skimming rather than reading.
A romance? Genre matters as influences expectations.
A “no” for me as a few things skirt authenticity and credibility. Small but enough to raise doubts about reading further.
1) an 8 yo boy quoted as saying “when you wanted to savor…”
Highly unusual language for child.
More unusual/’off’ imo is a 25 yo guy who called his GF ” the most charming woman he’d ever met”. This guy is American and 25?
Does not feel authentic/credible to me…
A third distraction in this short section is the reference to 8 year old followed by “nearly fifteen years had past” then “it happened”three days after his twenty-fifth birthday”
Opening triggered curiositybut otherwise scared me off. We all have different taste. Glad that many are enjoying it – story likely grabs further on.
Thanks
I’d agree with jeffo’s analysis – it kept getting worse, not better.
And there were a lot of little things that put me off. As Tom Combs noted, the language attributed to the male character didn’t ring true, neither as an eight-year-old nor at twenty-five.
This sentence really bugged me, perhaps because I took it too literally:
“It happened the day after Daniel’s twenty-fifth birthday, and three days before Christmas.”
To me, this indicates that “it” happened twice: once on the day after his birthday, and then again three days before Christmas. While I highly doubt that was the author’s intent, the confusion would have been so easily avoidable by simply omitting the “and” connecting those phrases.
All in all, the imprecise writing and the tedious way the author delayed us from getting to the actual story earned this one a “no” vote from me.
No vote for me also based on having to reason if the author meant ‘it’ happened twice (which was my immediate understanding). Taking the time to wonder about this kicked me directly out of the story.
I voted No. The first paragraph was promising but wordy. The second was promising but limp, and the teaser at the end led to–what? To a long third expository paragraph, by the end of which I was no longer even mildly curious about the “it” that had happened.
I said yes, I’d read on, but purely based on personal reasons. If you’ve ever had a job you loathed, you’ll know how real “drag on forever” really is. That is massively front & center in my life right now.
However, while the observation was astute, I could not envision an 8 year old making an observation in that manner. Perhaps in a very simplified, child-like wording, but not in the manner presented. I would not consider it the strongest opening I’ve ever read, partly because it is unnecessarily vague, but it did raise just enough of a sense of sympathy to make me at least curious enough to read a few more pages. Can’t say I’d commit to a whole book, but I’d read more.
I voted yes. While the story questions are minimal, there’s no action, and no visible stakes, there is a strong presence and POV. We are experiencing life–and a mother-son relationship–as this protagonist would.
Her situation is presented as she would think and feel about it. She cares. Compared to the ice cold thriller protagonists we meet so often in the #1 slot, that’s refreshing. I felt that I was reading about a human being, not being manipulated by a plot machine.
That’s why I forked over my $.30.
It’s crap, Don, admit it.
LOL. No, it’s okay. Not the most sparkling, or gripping, but okay and in keeping with this type of novel. From a more plot-driven kind of story, I want something else, of course.
And we’re only talking about page one. Of a Times best seller. There might be something there. I’ll know more at the end of page two!
“Time is a tricky thing.” “It happened …” Pretty dull to me and cliche as well. I couldn’t find anything compelling. From the tone, I thought maybe this was for YA readers. And when I saw the cover, I was sure it was YA. I checked it on Amazon; it’s women’s fiction. I voted no.
This one gets a No from me. I agree with the assessment that the voice wasn’t authentic. I also agree with Ray on the “it”. Don’t get me wrong, Cliffhangers in the beginning of a story are great when used properly. I just don’t feel the urgency or punch needed to warrant my time in continuing to the next page.
I voted yes because, unlike some others, I liked the first two paragraphs, Elaine (who we assume it the POV character) musing about both time and then comparing it to memories. I’m a women’s fiction writer also and so enjoyed the more philosophical beginning and felt it led strongly into a feeling of wanting to know what DID happen three days before Christmas. I’d read it because in one page, I’m intrigued.
I liked the first two paragraphs. Yes, it’s unrealistic that an 8 year old would make that observation in those words, but perhaps he’s an extremely precocious child or a prodigy of some kind. (I have an intelligent eight year old, and I can’t hear her saying that. But sometimes she surprises me with what words she knows and how she expresses her thoughts.) Or Elaine is paraphrasing it in her journal entry, or in her memory of the journal entry, making her child out to be more astute than he really was.
Then there’s the hint that something has happened and none of them have talked with one another about it. Is it just me, or is there an implication here of more than two people being involved in the incident? The author uses the phrase “all of them”. It obviously involves Elaine and Daniel, but who is the third person? Sophie? An ex-girlfriend of Daniel’s? Some unknown person?
On the other hand, I was rather unsatisfied with the story question, such as it is. It felt too subtle in its presentation. I’d keep reading another page or two, then decide.
I’d have given it another page or two, but I’d be very frustrated if the “it” wasn’t explained within that time.
I voted yes, based on the first two paragraphs. The third almost lost me, as it was too heavy on the exposition–though in truth if I’d been standing in a bookstore glancing at the first page I would have given this at least one more paragraph (and a peek into the middle of the book) before really deciding.
As often happens in these exercises, it was a rather close call.
I agree that this style fits for women’s fiction, BTW. Given that we aren’t supposed to reject on the basis of genre, that shouldn’t be an issue. ;-) But reading the comments of others, I find myself wondering if we aren’t, collectively, more familiar with the genre conventions for thrillers and mysteries, than those for WF.
That said, it’s helpful to know that the son (as adult, especially) didn’t seem as plausible to some commenters, at least in these first paragraphs. To me, that’s a valid question of character and voice.
I voted Yes. I like the voice, and relate to Elaine. The description of time and memories is right on, and I too am a mother who records the astute observations of my young kids and will always worry more about them than anyone who is not their mother. I want to see how this story unfolds. I am a women’s fiction reader and writer, and Emily Giffin is a staple.
I try to read at least 10% of a book before I decide whether to keep going or to give up on it. This applies especially to books I’ve bought. It never applies to a book I’ve been asked to edit.
Library books are great. I still get close to 10%, but there’s no pressure.
I like getting free samples of books on my Kindle. By the end of the sample, even though it’s often closer to 5%, I know whether or not to buy it.
This book. One page. Really not enough, but since it’s a mostly boring page, I wouldn’t pay to keep going. Plus, well, the whole gimmick of the thing. It’d have to be one heck of a page for me to buy more.
Michael, regarding the “gimmick” of the thing, the question is not whether or not a patient reader with the time to spend would accept or reject the book on the basis of one page, it’s whether or not a literary agent would. While Don Maass said he’d turn this page, I’ve seen many agents and publishing editors say that they very often make a decision based on the first page alone. I base my vote on the experience of seeing almost 1000 first pages submitted to my blog, and I can assure you that, even though for the purpose of critiquing a submission I read more than the first page, the first-page test holds true for me.
I voted no. And if I’d seen the feeble cover art I would have passed without reading the excerpt. But I followed the rules and read the, thankfully, truncated passage.
Insipid colors, a birdhouse, and a bluebird = pablum = a likely boring read. What a derogatory way to slap women’s fiction down a few pegs. I mean please. There are creative freelance graphic designers available for any author, but a ‘professional’ in-house design department has no excuse for producing this kind of phoned-in work.
This exercise just proves how the system works in favor of a publishing company with inside clout or perhaps… PERHAPS a previous novel that had a spine from the same author.
Thanks again Ray for a more explicit ‘look inside’ feature. It’s sadly revealing. Why would we writers read so many great books on developing our chosen craft if not to become better storytellers.
In many respects the front cover is the first page. A strong title plus intriguing image must compel readers to examine further… but the opening paragraphs have to deliver what a great cover, title, tagline and genre promises.
Case in point: this book has a blah title, no tagline, an emotionless cover, and a weak opening.
Did I mention I voted no?
As a cover/book designer as well as an editor, I totally agree, Veronica, with the notion of the cover also being a first page. It should be delicious and appealing bait that gives you a sense of the book that whets your appetite for just a little more–that first page inside. Thanks for the thought.
Although I think Tom, Jeff, Keith, Paula and others make strong points, I kinda sided with Don for much the same reasons, which I’m now finding harder to defend (he says equivocally aka sheepishly).
How refreshing to encounter voice in a best-selling novel. How nice not to have “white-knuckle” tension on page 1. How rare to have a mother-son relationship presented instead of an evil nemesis, a mutilated body, and/or an intrepid but oh-so-likable hero.
There were definitely things that irritated me (the cliches, the lack of credibility in the son’s language — though this is being presented through the mother).
I guess I voted yes because of what it wasn’t. And I don’t want to be Mr. SnarkyPants every time Ray presents us with this challenge.
I feel so dirty…
David, I’ll agree there’s some voice there, but for me it’s plagued by too many small but persistent things that don’t quite work. Like, what 25-year-old American male refers to his girlfriend as “charming?” Just as I don’t like it when a male writer fails to capture a female voice, it’s every bit as much of a turnoff when a woman can’t pull off a male voice.
So while I share your relief at being spared the action overkill that many authors try to front-load into their books, I’ll still maintain that if nothing much is gonna happen on those first pages, the writing better be freaking awesome. Instead, it’s just pretty good – which wasn’t good enough to sustain my interest. Just sayin’. You dirty boy, you.
I voted no. It was irritating to hear so much detail about Daniel on the first page before getting to see the world or a moment in time through my own eyes. That third paragraph felt very very long.
Okay, I hadn’t even noticed the book cover in the post when I originally replied, but after reading the comments I had to go and take a look. If I saw that book cover in the store I wouldn’t even blink as I passed it and moved on to something else.
I’m sure there must be a good reason why that particular cover was chosen but it definitely doesn’t say “SELL!”. At least not to me.
My yes vote was based on the fact that I’m a Belva Plain fan – and this felt like the beginning of one of her stories.
I think we were missing a close quote punctuation in that first paragraph. When you go to the book, only the “time is tricky” is in italics. The rest is Mom’s musing.
I love the interplay of personalities which this promised. A good editor might have tightened things a little and brightened the wording.
But I am patient with something that promises family interplay.
Now, were I an agent, I’d have seen this as a hard sell and probably rejected it. But I would have read further before making that decision.
No. If I had reviewed it – which I couldn’t as I wouldn’t have read on much further – I would have said it needed the services of a good editor. Too much is said, badly.
As an editor, if I didn’t already know the author and her work, I probably wouldn’t keep going. As a casual reader, I would never have picked it up to begin with.
As a reviewer, this was one of my assignments, and I’ll confess that for the first full half of it, it was well-written, but the central premise was weak and the characters abominable. Luckily, as a reviewer I persevered, because I ended up pleasantly surprised. I can’t say I’d be much interested in the writer’s further work, but this was a good book.
This is why we have to have that instant hook on the first page!