Flog a Pro: would you pay to turn the first page of this bestseller?
By Ray Rhamey | December 9, 2015 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
Here’s the question:
Would you pay good money to read the rest of the chapter? With 50 chapters in a book that costs $15, each chapter would be “worth” 30 cents.
So, before you read the excerpt, take 30 cents from your pocket or purse. When you’re done, decide what to do with those three dimes or the quarter and a nickel. It’s not much, but think of paying 30 cents for the rest of the chapter every time you sample a book’s first page.
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre or content—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was number one on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for November 30, 2015. How strong is the opening page—would this have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Following are what would be the first 16 manuscript lines of the first chapter.
GINNY SCOOT WAS standing on a third-floor ledge, threatening to jump, and it was more or less my fault. My name is Stephanie Plum and I work as a bounty hunter for my bail bondsman cousin Vinnie.
Ginny had failed to show for a court appearance and it was my job to find her and return her to the authorities. If I don’t succeed my cousin is out his bond money, and I don’t get paid. On the other hand, there’s Ginny, who would prefer not to go back to jail.
My colleague Lula and I were on the sidewalk, looking up at Ginny, along with a bunch of other people who were taking video with their smartphones.
“This here’s not a good angle for her,” Lula said to me. “Everybody could look up her skirt and see her hoo-ha. I guess technically you could see her thong, but we all know her lady parts are lurkin’ in there behind that little piece of red material and ass floss.”
Lula was originally a respectable ’ho. A couple years ago she’d decided to relinquish her corner and take a job as file clerk for the bonds office. Since almost all the files are digital these days, Lula mostly works as my wheelman. She’s four inches too short for her weight, her clothes are three sizes too small for her generously proportioned body, her hair color changes weekly, her skin is a robust dark chocolate.
My vote and notes after the fold.
This is Tricky Twenty-two by Janet Evanovich. While the author’s name alone is enough to let you know that a fun read is ahead, what if this was by an unknown author who didn’t have 21 previous bestsellers in this series? Was this opening page compelling?
My vote: no
While the voice is standard Evanovich-charming, consider the storytelling side. The page opens with a good strong situation and story question in the first paragraph. So far, so good. But then the narrative IMMEDIATELY veers off into setup exposition and then into backstory. Instead of staying with a person who is in danger of death, we get a description and history of Stephanie’s sidekick.
Keeping in mind that you’re appraising this as an effort by an unknown author submitting to a swamped literary agent, do you think that’s a good idea? I don’t.
Here’s why: readers buy fiction for one reason: STORY. For my money, a strong first page is about two things: story and engaging me with a character. This certainly has engaging qualities in the voice, but virtually no story. As for character, I felt that Stephanie’s big concern about the woman jumping was her not being paid was a bit calloused to me. There is no reason Janet couldn’t have gotten into creating more story tension and story questions on this first page and then woven in setup stuff as she reeled in a hooked reader.
Bottom line, I think an unknown writer would have a good chance of getting a fast “no” from an agent or reader by opening with mostly setup and backstory like this. With Evanovich’s name on the cover and 21 previous Stephanie Plum novels, that isn’t a problem, of course. But for a new writer?
Your thoughts?
Tip: You can actually turn the page for free by utilizing Amazon’s “Look inside” feature, and I recommend doing that if you have the time and interest. Tricky Twenty-two is here.
Announcing a new “Flog a BookBubber” Monday feature on my blog, Flogging the Quill. If you’re familiar with BookBub, it’s a site that offers free or very low cost ebooks. It is heavily used by self-publishers, though established authors are sometimes there.
We often see the meme on the Internet that self-published authors should have had editing done before they published. So the new Flog a BookBubber posts take a look at opening pages to see if that’s true. You can vote on turning the page and then on whether or not they should have sought an editor. Stop by on Monday and take a look.
[coffee]
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
I actually think if you cut the second line and last paragraph, it would work. You don’t need the second line because the third one gives the info (sans the name, which can wait).
The last paragraph is exposition and can easily be put off until later.
But with those cuts, there’s a good active scene going on and I’d want to at least move on to page two.
_Can_ the name wait, though? It can be very difficult when writing in the first person to tell the reader what the narrator’s name is, unless you have them introduce themself immediately. I sometimes wonder whether the famous “Call me Ishmael” opening was an afterthought added when Melville realized he’d got through a whole chapter without giving his character’s name.
Janet Evanovich gets in a description of the narrator’s appearance on page 2, by contrasting her with what Lula looks like – which is a neat solution to something that’s also difficult to do when writing in the 1st person, and all too often solved by having the narrator looking in a mirror in a very contrived way. So I wouldn’t slam her writing, I just don’t share her sense of humour.
Unless there’s a crying need to know a narrator’s name from the get-go there are several techniques that can be used later. Another character addressing her, for one. It’s more natural than the “My name is” opening, which is raw telling … with all due respect to Mr. Melville.
I completely agree about sentence two, especially as it was IN the same paragraph as sentence one. Immediately I was taken out of the scene and thinking “oh, it’s a Stephanie Plum book”…which I would have known when I picked it up in the first place. Definitely the wrong time to sidetrack the reader, IMO.
I went back and read with your edits in place and what a difference! I do not like SP’s style but maybe with a good editor I could be persuaded to try another of her books. Maybe.
I started off thinking I would vote Yes, because the situation is undeniably a matter of life-and-death, but I agree the digression spoils it. Maybe I’m a prude, but I could do without crude comments about underwear/private parts in the first page of a novel – it doesn’t bode well for the level of humour throughout the rest.
I might give you a cent or two to see page 2 and see whether it improves, but not 30.
(Actually, I’d give you pence not cents as I’m British, but in a dim light the coins look very similar…..)
Totally agree with Hilary, here. Starts interesting, veers off into stuff I don’t feel I really need to know, and far too low brow in the humor department for me.
I agree with you, Ray. The narrative digression about the bounty hunter’s assistant takes the air out of the balloon. Who cares? I want to know whether Ginny is going to jump. That possibility provides the dramatic tension. It needs to be exploited. Also, how high up is she if the people on the ground can see up her dress? Is she high enough to die from a jump? That detail also took me out of the story. This is a good premise, but the execution is flawed.
p.s. I just looked on Amazon (for nothing) – the level of humour gets worse …! nah, I’ll keep my 30cents/pence.
I very much agree with you, Ray. I used to be an avid reader of this series, and for some reason I stopped…I think you’ve shown me why. The storytelling used to captivate me as much as the humor. If this were my introduction to the series, I don’t think I’d get past the first page. It seems that editors let established authors not put the same effort into polishing their later novels that they would with their earlier works. (Then again, Janet Evanovitch has written about a billion billion more words than I have, and people buy her books…so I’m not criticizing as a writer. Merely bemoaning as a reader.)
Hi, Ray:
Same vote, same reason. Why is this woman willing to jump rather than appear in court? That’s compelling. The sidekick (and belabored humor) can wait.
Commenter David Corbett here is one of a handful of authors I treasure. His skill in getting people engaged is, as the French say, nonpareil. So I trust his evaluation and my own reaction to this excerpt. I tried to read Evanovich but never “cottoned” to her humor. Here, in this excerpt, the humor is frankly sophomoric, disgusting, and unbelievable. How “deep” can Plum and her cohort be if they resort to remarks about the suicidal woman’s underwear? Sad.
Yes, I’d absolutely keep reading. I found this page entertaining and I liked that she explained a bit about the characters and backstory, that drew me in even more.
Yup, five seconds in, I started laughing, and that’s worth 30 cents to me. It may not be the best written book but she has a massive fan base. Maybe sometimes we are overly critical as writers and forget readers aren’t as sophisticated in “breaking” books down and take them instead, at face value, meaning pure entertainment. Isn’t that what it’s mostly about?
Take my 30¢. I agree with Mr. Bell; some of the exposition could have waited. Even so, I’d read more. Lula is an ex-‘ho, so her comment about the thong, while coarse, is appropriate to her vernacular. Her brand of humor may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it made sense within the story.
I haven’t read any of the Stephanie Plum books, but know they are bestsellers – so know this is a SP book from the first paragraph, which makes it a tougher call.
As someone who hasn’t read SP, I actually liked the exposition. It was brief, funny, and has a distincitve voice. Yes, I could read a whole novel in that voice.
Not perfect, but a lot better than most of the ones Ray posts here.
Nope.
I’m in violent agreement with most of the previous comments. Evanovich chooses to regale us with cut-and-pasted backstory, rather than pulling us into what THIS story is about.
I’m a lapsed Evanovich fan. I thought her first few Plum novels were fantastic, but around #4 or #5, she started phoning them in, and I finally gave up. Judging by this excerpt, her writing hand is still on speed-dial.
(Um, that was *supposed* to be a phoning-it-in metaphor, but on second glance that sentence doesn’t really hold up. But I’m going to leave it, which I guess means that I phoned in my phoning-it-in metaphor. Hey, that’s just how I roll. Or maybe how I phone.)
I voted yes: you have a woman on a ledge, a female bounty hunter who works for her cousin, and who feels at least partly responsible for the suicide threat, and whose professional colleague and wheelman is a formerly respectable ‘ho, now also working for the cousin’s bond business.
Lots of questions, at least enough to read a few more pages if I was looking for light, quick read–some brain candy for a night’s entertainment or while traveling. Why did Stephanie become a bounty hunter? Why does she work for her cousin? Family business? Why does she need/want a driver? Who’s the woman on the ledge? What crime has she committed? Has she been falsely accused? Will she jump? Does Stephanie care about her, or is she just concerned about her paycheck? Etc. And, if the story continues in the same breezy, urban smart-ass–almost irreverent style–I’d probably keep reading. Granted, it’s not my style, (I can’t see me ever writing about thongs, just writing the words “smart-ass” causes me to hold my breath) but just because I’m an old woman living on a mountain doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate, even enjoy, a bawdy, gritty, city-dwellers story told with gusto.
That said, when I had my book store, I read the first two Stephanie Plum books when they first came out, and for me that was enough. While I realize they are a commercially successful vehicle for fiction, I’m generally not a fan of the series format, as it reminds me of never-ending soap operas. I’ll read a trilogy, but that’s about it. I prefer resolution and moving on to a new story.
Also, while I’m thinking about it (and avoiding the problem in my WIP), there seems to be something somewhat misleading about comparing the opening of a bestselling author’s newest book with the opening of a new author’s first book. It seems to leave the impression (and resentment) with many writers that after a while these bestselling authors are simply cruising on their name recognition. I’ve no doubt that sometimes happens, but in defense of authors like Janet Evanovich, I think it should be pointed out that they are no longer writing for the general reader, but for a very specific audience. In Evanovich’s case, she’s writing for the readers of the first 21 books. It might be as, if not more, instructive to look at the first page of One for the Money (her first book in the series) to see what she got right. While it’s always fun to Flog-a-Pro, I don’t think it’s always fair, to either the “floggee” or the flogger. (I know, life isn’t fair.)
I’ll respectfully disagree. No matter who you think a writer is writing for, I don’t see any excuse for not doing a novelist’s basic job of strong storytelling from the start. I think it matters even more for bestselling authors because they are the models aspiring writers look to for examples of how it’s done. To slack off because it’s story number 22 is like a football funner deciding to slow down and just walk toward the first down line. We may disagree on just how compelling a particular first page is, this reading business being as subjective as it is, but this example of lapsing into backstory on the opening page is, in my view, a wrong one for aspiring novelists who need to hook a literary agent on the first page of get a quick pass.
I agree that strong storytelling from the get go is essential. And, I think a woman on a ledge, with on person on the ground feeling at least partly responsible for her being out there, while another onlooker is concerned about people seeing the potential jumper’s underwear, is a pretty good start.
Perhaps when I said, “in defense of a bestselling author like Janet Evanovich” I should have been more specific and said “in defense of a bestselling series author”. At book 22 she has a core audience with specific expectations: colorful, outrageous characters, brash, lewd dialogue, danger, a no-nonsense pace, etc., which she begins delivering on the first page of this book, keeping her fans happy, even though it might not get her any new fans. (And with over 75 million books sold, I think it’s probably prudent for her to cater to her existing fans.)
And, keeping her fans happy is not “slacking off” but doing her job. I don’t think anyone with weak storytelling skills publishes 22+ books. For the better part of 15 years I watched people browse books and listened to their comments. And, while some readers can be annoyingly (for a bookseller) loyal to an author (“No, I’ll wait ’till so-and-so’s new book comes out.”), as a rule that loyalty only lasts as long as so-and-so continues to deliver a good story, especially these days when readers have so many other choices. Today, readers are impatient and very reluctant to give authors a second-chance. (“Oh, I don’t read him anymore. His last book was awful.”) I don’t think even bestselling authors dare to slack off or take a chance on phoning it in.
Her audience also expects a good story, and based on the previous 21 books have good reason to trust they will get it. But, as the followers of a series, they also know there will be a certain amount of backstory while getting to it, so that any newcomers can get caught up, assuring all readers have the necessary context for the new story. As I mentioned, I’m not a fan of the series format because of their (tedious) never-ending, soap opera like quality. And, one of the reasons they feel like a soap opera is the need for backstory at the beginning of each new book. It seems a series author is really writing two books: a stand-alone story, and the newest volume in a continuing story, and it makes sense for them to get any necessary backstory from earlier books out of the way as early as possible.
I think we agree that this opening might serve as an example of what a new novelist still trying to get the attention of an agent or editor might want to avoid. That’s why I suggested reading the first page of “One for the Money” (the first Stephanie Plum novel) to see what she did right, since at that point she was like any other aspiring novelist–unknown. And, by the way, the first page of “One for the Money” is all backstory. It meets only two and a half of the criteria on your checklist: it engages the reader with the main character, it raises a story question (even though nothing happens), and there’s a setting, sort of (Trenton, although there’s no way to tell she’s still there). However, it does meet your caveat: “a strong first person voice with the right content”. A voice I think is still evident on the first page of book 22.