Your Kink Is Not My Kink
By Cathy Yardley | December 4, 2015 |
Photo by HyperXP.com
Once upon a time, I wrote erotica.
Let me preface this with: I have nothing but respect for erotica authors. I’ve written prologues for erotica anthologies, and one of my favorite authors edits erotica (and writes some of the most stunning personal essays you’ll read. Her name is Rachel Bussel Kramer, and her collection called Sex and Cupcakes is well written, authentic, marvelous stuff.)
That said — when it comes to erotica…
I, um, sucked. (Ba-dum-bum!)
Actually, that’s not entirely true. From what I’ve been told by my editor and the few but dedicated fans of the series, the stories were solid, and I’m proud of what I was able to accomplish.
However, it fell into a wormhole.
It was, in my mind, a “bridge” between romance and erotica, what they now categorize as “romantic erotica.” It had the higher sexual level of erotica, with the character arc and love relationship development of contemporary romance.
Unfortunately, like a wormhole itself, the audience proved more theoretical than tangible.
I didn’t understand the erotica audience well enough, and they called me on it. Meanwhile, romance fans found the sex too overwhelming. It was a conundrum. The sales weren’t dreadful, but they certainly weren’t enough to justify my continued pursuit in that cross-genre.
More important than the sales, however, was the fact that I discovered my own limits. The demands and real estate that the erotic element took up in the manuscript off-balanced my true love of humor, screwed-up underdogs, and character arcs that weren’t as dependent on exploration of sex as a metaphor for freedom, enlightenment, and personal expression.
Through writing it, I got out of my comfort zone, which was valuable. I learned about my likes, dislikes, and process. I learned the dangers of writing for an audience without at least checking whether said audience exists.
I also learned the world’s longest and ugliest acronym.
YKINMKBYKIOK
(I told you it was unwieldy.)
What it stands for:
Your Kink Is Not My Kink (But Your Kink Is OK)
In researching different fetishes and sexual practices, I discovered the phrase commonly used among various groups. It was purely non-judgmental: a statement of one’s own boundaries, without prejudice against other people’s interests. It is often shortened to YKINMK… your kink is not my kink.
Writer’s “Kinks”
I am a die-hard plotter. When I was reading Therese’s piece on”off-roading“, I was shuddering a little. While there are always elements of surprise in my manuscripts, I need a map. I need my outline.
That doesn’t make her way any less valid. I respect it, and I respect her utterly. I just know me.
Plotting is my kink.
I write commercial genre fiction. I have done so strictly for money before. (To be brutally honest, we had a house payment due, my husband’s construction business was going under, and I was pregnant and newly laid off. I promptly called my editor and said — verbatim — “Tell me the hole in your list, and I’ll fill it. I will write about crack-addicted lesbian nuns. I can turn it around in three months. I need the job.”)
I’m still happy with the work I did in that contract. (Although I am admittedly glad that crack-nuns were not in vogue at the time.)
That said, I know that others would not, could not, do that, even with guns to their heads. And that’s fine.
I have been the sneered at “romance author” at literary conferences (where I was teaching, no less.) I have been asked the dreaded “so when are you going to write a real book?” with the accompanying small smile. It has been… uncomfortable.
Doesn’t matter. Romance, genre, commercial… that’s my kink.
Literary fiction, poetry, slip-stream, experimental, cross-genre, no genre… those are other people’s kinks. And that’s okay, that’s valuable, that’s wonderful. They’re just not mine.
The best thing about YKINMK.
The reason I love the ugly acronym is the philosophy it embraces: knowing yourself, while accepting that others will be different, and those differences are fine.
Right now, there is an unbelievable amount of agony, discord, and violence in the world. As writers, we absorb what’s happening around us, no matter what we write. Writing is how we process the world we live in. It’s how we learn about ourselves, and share ourselves with others.
It takes wisdom to know who we are, and what we stand for… our kinks.
It takes courage to act in ways that are resonant with who we are, despite criticism.
And it takes faith to let other people act according to who they are, without judging them.
We can’t control others. We can’t change them.
In short, we can’t impose our kink on them. On the other hand, no matter what kink they’re into, we can stay firmly in our own stance with a gentle YKINMK.
It may seem like a leap, to go from someone being critical of a work or genre of fiction he doesn’t like, to global intolerance and violence. But both start with judgment, the firm belief that something is objectively “right” and something else is clearly “wrong.” In our world, (which let’s face it is more art than science), these judgments lead to fear.
Think about it — how many times have we read things like “literary culture is crumbling” or “readers only seem to pay for stupid, vapid formula” or similar statements? Without even the benefit of “I believe” or “this is my opinion” attached to it?
To quote Yoda (being a geek is yet another of my kinks):
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Tolerance starts in small ways. We can be true to ourselves, stand firm in our authenticity, and give others the space to do the same.
Your kink isn’t my kink, perhaps.
But I wholeheartedly believe that my kink, and your kink, are okay.
So tell me, truthfully. What’s your kink? When it comes to your writing, what do you stand for, what do you believe in? What are your proclivities? What do you love?
Cathy Yardley has published over 33 novels, novellas, and serialized fiction, both traditionally and independently. In 2011, she started RockYourWriting.com, with the mission of helping novelists make a living. She has helped hundreds of authors as a developmental editor, writing coach, and through her “plot sessions” – one-on-one calls that get authors from concept to plot points in one hour. She’s also written the Rock Your Writing series of reference books, taking authors through the writing cycle, from concept to completion. Sign up for her newsletter, and you can receive free downloads to help you plot and revise your novel.
Standing ovation. That. Was. Awesome.
I recently joined a group of erotica/romance authors, and I had to redefine my limits, stretch them until I thought they’d crack … but they didn’t. They never do, actually.
But I’ve seen the “anger turn into hate” thing when I mention what those writers achieve in terms of finding pioneering marketing ways. I think it’s more “envy turn into anger into hate”. But it’s a writer’s right to aim at making a living out of writing, and go by “Done is better than perfect”. If there’s an audience out there for her work, that’s great. To each his own.
As for my “kink”, commercial genre fiction is mine, too. I recently won an award for it, so I’m not cowering under withering glances anymore. Ha!
Congrats on the award! I’m glad you liked the article. I’ve seen some of that marketing backlash, as well. And I’m definitely with you on the making-a-living goal. But as you say, to each his own. I have met authors who wish for sales, but who are genuinely pained and panicked about how they perceive marketing, and mistrustful of those who are actively pursuing it. I can recognize the fear that’s bringing them to that point, without agreeing with them or pretending I’m not a business person as well as a writer. There’s definitely room for all of us. :) Thanks for commenting!
Great post, Cathy, and so true. One line resonated so deeply with me. As an author about to release my first contemporary romance / women’s fiction novel (my fourth published novel), it incenses me when I come across elitist attitudes about literary fiction (admittedly, like erotica for some people, lit fic is not my kink!) vs. genre writing. We all have our place and our accomplishments are no less important, gratifying, or stellar.
“We all have our place and our accomplishments are no less important, gratifying, or stellar.”
This. Exactly! We’re all writers, ultimately. There’s room for all of us. :)
Awesome post, and very timely. I recently realized my “kink” is strait up action. I really enjoy throwing my protagonist into hot water, watching him fight his way out, only to end up even deeper in trouble. My books probably won’t win any literary awards but I’m sure there are plenty of other people out there just interested in reading a Bruce Willis movie in book form.
I think there are a ton of readers that would love exactly that. Thanks for commenting, Kevin!
“What’s your kink?” Wonderful subject here today. Thanks, Cathy, for the insights. I’m in commercial fiction too: horror. Everybody cringes when I say horror, so I’ve changed it to “I write supernatural mysteries” and then people say, “Gee, what’s that?” There’s an instinctive bias against horror because it’s considered a low form violence and bloody gore. I don’t write violence or bloody gore; I write “quiet horror.” Again, people say, “Gee, what’s that?” I think a good number of authors these days are in a sub-genre or create-your-own-subgenre “kink” as you say. It’s not often productive for book marketing, but it does help a novel to stand out from the herd. Supernatural mystery is who I am, and I’m motivated to produce mystery after mystery with supernatural elements. Won a few small awards and selling moderately, so I keep to the path I love. I agree when you say to ‘know yourself.’ Of late there is this “kink” called “literary horror” or “fear literature.” All these genre labels! Who do they really serve? New York Times did a piece on this in June: Do Genre Labels Matter Anywmore? https://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/05/books/review/do-genre-labels-matter-anymore.html?_r=0
That’s so strange, that people would cringe at horror. I LOVE horror, and it really seems to be ripe for growth right now. And I’ve never heard of “fear literature” but I love the idea of it. I wonder if Phillip K. Dick’s stuff might fall under that? Not outright horror, but a pervasive disquiet… like the short story where people are getting taken over by pod-creatures, and to find the ones they miss, they hang a body from a lamp post, to see who protests and is shocked. Congrats on winning awards and making sales, a tough accomplishment in our profession. Great to hear! :)
Some critics consider Dick ‘ s novel Ubik one if those most horrific stories ever written. It was also the inspiration for The Matrix and Dark City.
Great post, Cathy. How appropriate that Dick mentioned here too. He always did follow his own drummer.
Paula, when you say “Horror” and then follow-up with “Supernatural Mysteries,” the first thing that pops into my mind is The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, one of my favorite novels. Though totally outside my expected reading likes, I loved it from the time I devoured it when I was maybe 12. So go for it; you’re in good company ;)
Hi Cathy, love your topic. My kink is contemporary romance with the “happy ever after” ending. A little hot, a little spicy but always a story which says these two people will grow old together and still share a love just as intense at the end of their life’s journey as it was at the beginning. The kind of love where the undertaker will have to pry their cold dead hands apart in order to get their bodies in separate caskets. Yep, I’m just kinky that way!
I love other people’s kink, too. Sometimes, I want other color in my life – some greens or blues or yellows. So I go out and read other people’s kink to spice up my own writing. If the world was made up of only what I write, it would be a very boring world after a few months. So, yes, I like my kink but I also like everyone else’s kink, too. I look at it as just the “many flavors of writing.” I love them all!
Contemporary HEA is one of my kinks, as well. Yay, romance! :) And I agree — I read outside my genre, as well. It helps me keep my own writing fresh, and it just helps me immerse. That said, I love sci-fi, for example, and historical romance, but I don’t feel the need to write it. I guess I’m genre-curious. :)
Love this! Applies to writing & life :)
Thanks! :)
Thank you. Great point, well said.
Thanks for commenting! (Laters! )
I agree. I write my way, and others write theirs. It’s a better more interesting world that way.
Of course, the one thing that stuck with me is how you could write a book and make your house payment. Sigh. I admit that I wish I could do that.
Ah, those were the days of wine and roses (and advances.) That said, it was a stop-gap, not a permanent solution. The good thing about indie and hybrid: it gives you more options.
If you write anything well enough it transcends genre, finds its audience and may even launch a sub-genre of its own. That’s what I’ve observed. The trick is writing well enough. That in turn starts with your advice: be true to yourself, WYKMB*
(*Whatever Your Kink May Be)
“The trick is writing well enough.”
Yes, but how are you defining “well written”? My erotica series was well written (at least my editor seemed to think so) — but ultimately, it failed because it didn’t take into account the actual reading desires of its audience. Genres serve certain expectations. I usually liken this to broccoli brownies. When you want a brownie, in all its sinful, fat-laden, sugary glory, you want a BROWNIE. If somebody gives you a brownie made with broccoli, odds are good you’re not going to be satisfied, even if someone points out it’s healthier, better for you, and far superior on a number of levels. Personally, I don’t want to “transcend” genre. I want to satisfy genre readers, while getting across my own authenticity. But that’s my kink. :)
I like your point, Cathy, that satisfying genre readers and still maintaining author authenticity are key. I’m unsure how ‘transcending genre’ earns much in audience in the fast-tracking ebook industry where genre appears to rule sales no matter how good or bad the writing. As for launching your own subgenre as Brinks suggests, that’s a tough road unless you have a major national advertising campaign to get the buzz words out to the masses. Speaking of genre, I just saw a weird book pitch …’Crime Fiction Meets Magical Realism in New Explosive Novel.’ Man Tiger by Eka Kurniawan. The genres are sci-fi, fantasy, literary, and crime. I guess genre-blending is the new black.
Wonderful stuff, Coach! This is the perfect continuation of quite a few posts here. And your take on tolerance is an important one at the moment. You’ve been a voice for moderation and understanding in a time of shouting without listening, and it’s much appreciated.
As far as my own kink, as you know I’m more determined than ever to let my fantasy freak flag fly. And I think tolerance and open-mindedness to others has always been one of my themes. After all, it would’ve taken some true cultural forbearance for Turgian et al to truly come to terms with the Skolani way of life. But look how much bloodshed could’ve been avoided if he’d had even a modicum of tolerance or empathy for their perspective.
I’ve also come to see that the recurring themes of my work–the value of loyalty, friendship, and honor–are seen as sentimental, even hokey or outmoded. But I’m okay with that. For me, these are values that still resonate. And perhaps, for some readers, they’ll seem more relative and applicable than ever.
You know I love your fantasy stories! And even if it seems like loyalty, friendship and honor are “sentimental” or “hokey” — I think they’re timeless, and I think that deep down, those are people’s true desires, even if in a time of cynicism and superficiality, they aren’t fashionable to display. It is about authenticity. Be yourself, out loud, and it gives people the freedom to be themselves, as well.
Thanks for commenting, my friend!
Hey, Cathy,
You had me at “erotica.” Actually, “kink” drew my attention, too. Come to think of it, your byline is what really brought me here. When you write, I know there’s always going to be some afternoon delight. Throw a scarf over the lampshade and put on some Starlight Vocal Band!
My kink…well, I’m a sucker for the classics, so I tend to write more literary fiction with a sense of humor, usually via a wounded protagonist who can’t help but make light of the world around him — just so there will be some frikken light.
I’ve never read a romance book (although I bought one as research for writing love scenes). I guess the closest I’ve come is The Thorn Birds, and I wouldn’t classify that anywhere near romance…more women’s lit. Heck, it was my mom’s…first really thick book I read…and I devoured it. I was a kid and those scenes were steamy enough for young hormones. I kept it under my mattress. ;)
I’m glad you mentioned the BYKIOK part of the acronym. I’ll admit, I’ve turned my nose up at some things, but have truly learned that other kinks are okay…just not my kink…not the direction I see myself taking. I do this in life, why not with my writerly comrades?
Thanks for the insightful article and the continued inspiration!
Mike, you crack me up! I can see how you’d write lit fic with humor. Which reminds me — have you ever read Night of the Avenging Blowfish: a Novel of Covert Operations, Love, and Lunchmeat, by John Welter? I get the feeling it’d be right up your street.
Technically, The Thorn Birds isn’t romance, because it doesn’t fulfill the genre’s need for a Happily Ever After. That said, a lot of romance readers enjoy it as women’s fiction (there’s quite an overlap between audiences.) I’m glad that you’re expanding your take on other writing. You definitely strike me as a tolerant person. Thanks for commenting!
No, but I love the title! I’ll look for that book. I’m always seeking other writers who may write similarly to me to get some hints. Thanks!
I think it’s great to get paid for doing what you love….or like…or hate to do but must. I have found mortgages, financial crisis, kids and bills to be a great motivator that creates a great, unsatisfied hunger for getting the book done…and the next book and so on. And a lack of that hunger can also prevent getting it done as well.
The thing with romantic erotica I see as most challenging is creating characters that are empowered, not diminished, by their choices (partner, practices etc) because some of those stories are one step too close to degradation (IMHO).
And what is with these sub genres with step brothers, mafia enforcers, virgin college students with older, dirty men, 27 yo self made gazillionaires – lotsa dirty stuff LOL I don’t know. That HEA with the dark Russian mafia guy? Fascinating in a train wrecky way. The biggest issue I see with erotica/soft to hard porn is that it has an addictive quality that can lead to sexual dysfunction. Sort of desensitizes you so you end up needing it too much in order experience satisfaction.
But I see quite a few more mainstream romance authors dipping their toe into romantic/erotica sub genre so there’s definitely a market there. A niche market or an emerging market? I guess I’d have to see some statistics. If it’s seriously trending because of accessibility via self-published authors, I do think publishers will challenge more mainstream authors to include more of that.
Great post! I appreciated your unapologetic goal to make money, i.e., that house payment, although that is not my kink. Paying the bills is, however. :-) I write m/m erotic romance. My stories are very dark. They always end in HEA, but they can be a tough read for some people. The day job allows me to write what I want to write. In other words it allows me to write to my passion–and passion is definitely my link.
Thanks for the reminder that there’s room for all of us.
Dark romance with eventual HEA is wonderful stuff. I wrote my first seven novels while working a 40 hour a week job… we do what we need to. Glad you’re writing your passion!
Confession time: If a blog post has “Kink” in the title, I’m in. And I’m so glad I read this! I write what I call romantic women’s fiction (is that even a thing?) My first attempt at sex scenes were…hilarious. Not what I was going for. I found that when I toned things down and stopped trying to be someone else, the scenes were less unintentional hilarity and more HELLO! My kink: Writing about the steamy stuff that builds tension – the longing, aching, the if-we-don’t-do-this-now-I’ll-expode stuff… and then I fade to black. But reading what other authors write when I fade to black helps me build the tension in my own writing.
As for the judgy bits – it always bugs me when I hear people ranting publicly about books they think are so awfully written. I admit to having my head scratching moments over some 5-star reviewed books, but I scratch in private, or at least only among trusted friends. I’m glad to know there’s an unwieldy acronym for it,and I’ll use it now: YKINMKBYKIOK!
Also, those socks in that image…any idea where I could pick up a few pairs? ;-)
Romance, romantic women’s fiction… there’s a lot of interplay. Tension is definitely the key point to romance. And I hate it when people start dog-piling on popular novels, often without reading them. There are plenty of novels I don’t particularly fancy, but I realize that they’re saying something valuable to their audiences, even if I’m not in that audience.
And yeah, the socks are fantastic, aren’t they? :D Thanks for commenting!
Cathy, I read your post nodding agreement–yes, I enjoy lit fic and pretty much all genres of fic (though admittedly I haven’t tried dinosaur erotica); yes, after a bit of whining I plunged into marketing; yes, I prefer outining but can pants with the best of them (after a bit more whining).
I respect and value tolerance. We need it to get along with each other. However, my BYKIO does have a limit on it. Perhaps I’m taking you (or the groups you researched) too literally. If a person’s kink is to kill someone as part of a sexual act, that’s not ok with me. If a writer’s kink is to glorify cruelty and abuse (and when I’ve come across it, it’s nearly always abuse of women that is held up as a model of praiseworthy behavior), that’s not ok with me. If your kink is loosing off an AK-47 in a school, that’s not ok with me. There’s a time for tolerance and a time for outrage.
I know that’s not what you meant, and I guess I’m being a killjoy to point it out. Maybe recent events have eroded my confidence that we humans share a common understanding of what can never be ok.
I respect your take on it. I think there’s always a why behind the why. My father and other people I love believe in things I find personally abhorrent. I still love them, and I try to see what fear is driving them, what the root cause of their position is. Failing that, we draw lines: we love each other, we respect each other as people, and we have to agree to disagree. I also don’t put myself in a position to be mistreated, as much as any of us can.
I would stand against things that violate people’s freedoms. Killing is the ultimate violation. Rape and abuse is violation. Imposing their kink, in these cases, is absolutely NOT okay.
But I have faith. Even when such horrific things are happening around us… there are bright spots, and there is hope. Hang in there.
Hi Cathy,
I think your true kink is clarity. That, anyway, is what you can always be counted on to deliver in a WU post.
But judgment–choosing–is the basis of writing anything (every word written might be a different word), so taking issue with judgment doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is to pass a negative judgment on people who are contemptuous of certain kinds of writing. Especially when such critics don’t publish novels themselves. People who know how hard it is to write an extended narrative well On Its Own Terms would do well to ignore those who are dismissive. Especially when critics make no distinction between a good (fill in the genre of your choice) novel, and a bad one.
I also am sure that if I were writing to make a mortgage payment, that fact alone would make me sensitive to the smug and the superior.
In short, whether to be tactful toward self-appointed arbiters of taste, or to turn my back on them would pose no condomdrum for me. (Sorry, couldn’t help it.)
“Condomdrum” indeed. I see what you did there! :)
Hi, Cathy:
Crack-Addicted Lesbian Nuns. Kinda rolls right off the tongue. As it were.
I tried to write a comic novel about a mystery-novelist nun with a drinking and sex problem. Behold the sound of crickets. (I’ve turned it into a rather good short story, actually, called “Babylon Sister,” which will be included in a new story collection coming out next year.)
I too suffer the tweener conundrum — a crime writer people think of as quasi-literary. But I’ve yet to change course for a few reasons, one being that my earlier attempt to do so (see wayward nun idea above) proved useless. Two, the crime novel is not inimical to a literary treatment. I’ve been called the west coast Richard Price. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been my PR folks who’ve done the labeling. Sigh…
I think in the end, as you note, you have to own your kinks. Mine is the smart crime story. If that ghettoizes me as one of the highly respect but widely unread, well, hey: Welcome to my hood.
Great, fun post. Thanks.
I will keep an eye out for Babylon Sister — sounds great! (The nun/mystery novelist would be weird enough, and a nun with sex and alcohol issues, but combine them together… how did that happen?)
I would think that smart crime stories would be highly marketable. I’d read the hell out of it. Thanks for my ghetto pass, looking forward to hanging out in your world!
“When are you going to write a *real* book?” “When are you going to ask an intelligent question?” I don’t write romance but any book that a writer finishes is a real book.
My ‘kink’ is SF and Fantasy. I can’t, for the life of me, write fiction without a spec fic twist. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it or read it (though, tbh, most of my reading is in spec fic), it’s just not what my writer-brain does. I’ve gotten the sneer at writing conferences, too, but I’ve gotten to an age and stage in my life where I no longer feel the need to apologize for what I love.
Great post!
Wow. It’s like you and I were the same person–that was my experience writing the erotica/erotic romance. Editors really liked what I wrote and what I proposed, but my less-than-perfect characters and quirky sense of humor and absurdity got in the way of most readers’ expectations (and I will forever mourn the demise of the old “Hoot Island” humorotica website from a zillion years ago). Having a hard heart-to-heart with myself about my expectations versus genre expectations got me out of the ditch and back in the saddle. Now, when I write women’s fiction featuring paranormal activity about a male protagonist having a mid-life crisis, I do so knowing full well I’ll have to hunt down those readers one by one.
The nice thing about it is that since I’m indie, I can indulge my kink for genre-bending, and my writing now is more authentic as I go along.
Cathy,
I am typically late to this party, but I read this on the day you posted, and I wanted to weigh in. This really resonated with me as I just had a chat with my agent this week about my own fetishes . . . mine is adult fiction with child narrators/protags. But as she and I have discovered, that can be a hard sell. Or, I should say, my first two books have been hard to sell so far. They seem to fall in that place of limbo–not YA and not Adult fiction. But, I keep telling myself, I would read those books, and I am proud of them.
As I work on #3, my agent is suggesting that I stay true to myself and write what I love . . . I have tried to write what I think the publishing industry will love and it comes out flat and uninspired. But, she is working with me to nudge it just a tad here and there so there’s less chance it will fall into that limbo-land once again. I love my agent.
And, if we can’t sell to the traditional big publishers, we can pitch to the smaller publishers who, as we know, aren’t so skittish about genre-bending.
Thank you for your words and your presence on WU!
As soon as you said that judgement leads to fear, I thought of the Yoda quote; then, sure enough, you quoted it. I got a kick out of that. :)
I write erotic horror, by the way. I just self-published a vampire erotic horror novel called ‘Vamps’ on Kindle. I don’t think my kink is your kink. ;)