The True True Truth
By John Vorhaus | August 14, 2015 |
photo by David Chu
I have a truth to share with you – not because I want to, necessarily, but because I think it’ll feel good to get it off my chest. As it’s a deep truth, it’s going to take some getting to. It starts on the surface, like an itching on my skin: I’m afraid I’m running out of truth. I presently fear that I have nothing new to say to you or anyone, about writing, or the writing process, or life, its meaning, or the isness of it all.
Well, that can’t be. It just can’t be. The truth goes on forever. Meaning goes on forever. I know this; every writer knows this. It’s not a matter of depth awareness. I know what deep is – I just don’t feel so good about going there. But I promised myself I would tell you the truth – the true, true truth – and I will. Here it comes.
I’m afraid to admit that my brand isn’t working.
I mean, it’s there and all, and I can leverage in a modest way, but right now it feels so minor league, and in this moment that feels like failure to me.
There, I said it. And now I feel better.
But not much better.
Because if my brand is minor league, then it seems like my ambition outstrips my capacity – and my awareness of this makes my feelings go, “Ouch!” For the record, I’m hosting no pity party here; my feelings can handle an “ouch.” But the truth is, I won’t be as big as I want to, not in this world and not in this life.
At last. (Big sigh.) Finally got to the truth.
Except not.
Because, you know, now I have to ask why. Why did I walk down this self-sell road and build this self-sell platform in the first place? Why am I a cottage industry and not a conglomerate? Is it that I don’t conglomerate well, that I have no interest in building a brand if it means having to build a business as well?
Sure, yeah, that’s part of it.
But it’s not the real truth. The real truth lies deeper still.
John, JV, Johnny… are you selling yourself short? Is your cottage-industry model really just designed to keep you from submitting yourself, your words, your plan, your vision, to someone who can legitimately stand in creative judgement over you in a particular way: someone who will give you big money for it?
That was a big, wild sentence, folks. I can’t justify it, but I’ll try to explain it. It’s a bit of “I want to reject them before they reject me.” Yes, I stand by my aesthetic and yes, I stand by my choices and yes, I’m happy working in my cottage, though I struggle with the industry part. But let’s be honest. I don’t send proposals. I don’t meet editors. I don’t deal with publishers or producers. I know that I don’t want to and I choose not to, and I know that’s partly because I’m afraid they’ll say no. I’d rather not ask than have them say no.
There! That’s it! I’d rather not ask than have them say no. Yay! I finally got to the truth! The true, true truth!
Or, wait, no, not quite yet. Gosh.
‘Cause now what? What do I do with the startling revelation that my modest footprint in the world – much more modest than my secret vanity would wish it – is actually kept small, literally retarded in its growth by my fear to put my work to certain hard marketplace tests? How am I to feel about that?
Truthfully, I feel good. Really, really good. Like, “Woot! Woot!” good. How can that be when I’m so terrified to write these words and have you read them? They’re so fraught. But I promised I would tell the truth. As a result I’m writing the truth, and writing the truth always feels good.
Almost forty years ago, I started my creative career as a singer-songwriter. I understood quite early on that standing on stage and singing my words was the most direct, most immediate way of getting the thoughts in my head out of my head and into the heads of others. I had, I thought, cut out all middlemen. But guess what? I had cut out all gatekeepers, too. No one stood in judgment of me but my audience. From the start, my aesthetic answered to no one.
Can I reflect back on this now and see the hand of fear? Did I release my own record on my own label because I wanted to control the aesthetic or because I was too afraid to try and get signed?
Am I doing the same thing now?
Honestly, yes. All these years later. And still for both reasons, one to control the aesthetic and the other, of course, fear.
Well, thank God we finally got to the truth.
Oh, wait, there’s one left.
Because the truth is, I don’t care if there’s fear. I can’t. I mean, I can’t assign a negative value judgment to that. If I do, then I have to look back on my four professional decades as failures and of course they are not. So my only choice is to accept the fear, and accept the role it has played in shaping both my aesthetic and my career.
Gracious, isn’t that enough truth for one day?
No, one more occurs to me now: This stuff is hard. It’s always been hard. I stood on stages and sang songs because, honestly, that was the best I could do back then. I indy-pub my books because, honestly, it’s the best I can do right now.
Oh, no, that’s not even close to the truth. Not by a giant stack of query letters is that close. It’s hard if you try, jv; it’s harder still if you don’t.
So: I started out trying to drill down to the truth and ended up at the outermost aphelion of its orbit. But I felt it was vital to put pen to these thoughts of mine, and guess what? I told the truth and it didn’t kill me. It never does. It makes me face things, but it always makes me feel better, too.
Acceptance is the key, the key to everything. I am where I am. You are where you are. We know there’s a gap between who we are and who we want to be – as writers, as strivers, as souls. We stand in judgment of ourselves. My idea is to try and be gentle in my judgment, and acknowledge that I’ve done such as I could with my gifts, even if it’s not as much as I want.
What unspoken truths would you rather not share? How would it feel if you shared them right now? What do you do with your fear? How have you come to terms with yourself?
John Vorhaus has written seven novels, including Lucy in the Sky, The California Roll, The Albuquerque Turkey and The Texas Twist, plus the Killer Poker series and (with Annie Duke) Decide to Play Great Poker. His books on writing include The Comic Toolbox, How to Write Good and Creativity Rules!
I choose to self-publish. I don’t do it so much out of fear but because I’m a control freak. This is MY business, and if someone else is in charge of publishing my books, it becomes not so much my business. If that makes sense.
These days, I’m not sure a publisher can do much for an author. The big ones can, I guess. But the smaller presses expect you to do your own marketing. And then they take a big chunk of your royalties. Is it so wrong that I want to keep my royalties?
I keep hoping that, someday, the market won’t be so flooded with books that readers can’t find those of us who are really serious about making a living from writing.
If you love writing, keep writing. Do it because it’s what you want to do. I wish you the best of luck. And keep being honest.
“This is MY business, and if someone else is in charge of publishing my books, it becomes not so much my business. If that makes sense.”
That’s exactly how I feel, Lauralynn. The other part of it is that I value my independence: I am able to devote as much time as I want, when I want, to my writing. I don’t have to rush through a draft to meet a deadline. At this stage of my life, that’s very important to me.
Best of luck to you!
Ditto! Yay, I m in good company. Thanks for your truth, John.
John, my first year of teaching I was made to feel I wasn’t off to a good start, so what did I do? Fear drove me to substitute teach and take other jobs when we moved from one place to another. Then in the ’90’s I wrote my first mystery novel and tried to get it published through traditional publushers without success. But I kept plugging away. My 4th novel last year was published by a hometown press. Just finished the 5th and it will be with the same publisher. Have thought about getting an agent but fear holds me back. It’s only human to fear rejection.
Marlene Chabot
I don’t think of you as a cottage industry brand. You show up in my Inbox once a month–to me, you’re the big leagues!
I guess it’s true that “what you see depends on where you stand.” Thanks for brightening my day.
This really hit me where I live right now. I’m querying actively (enough said), and feel this way every single day. This sentence >> It’s a bit of “I want to reject them before they reject me.” << explains why I self published one of my novels a few years ago. I really wanted to say I had one book that had seen the light of day outside my computer or beta reader or box under my desk. I was afraid that would never happen otherwise. That's my unspoken truth. Thank you for writing this, John. A million times thank you.
We live in a time where daily comparisons have become an accepted part of our lives. We check our stats and hope our readership continues to grow. When our peers rise we wonder where we stand. With so much out there for readers to choose from, it’s tough competition. Thirty years ago, it would have been difficult to know what other writers were accomplishing in a world of typewriters and white-out. Now the information is only a few clicks away.
You have accomplished a lot, in what I’m assuming, are self-published books. That’s fantastic! Everyone’s process and goals are different.
I started writing a few years ago. I’ve been in hyperdrive learning about the craft. I’ve done the opposite and hired editors, started querying, and hope to soon to become traditionally published.
Coming from an art background may have prepared me for criticism. My goal is to create a product people want to buy. I don’t mind how much time or rewriting it takes. I still remember using white-out.
I’ve heard it said that “Comparisons are odious — but inevitable.” Your observation about how we can compare much more closely and easily these days is a good one. That’s a double-edged sword, of course; we know what our peers are doing, but then again we don’t have the luxury of NOT knowing. As I point out in my new book, How to Live Life, we’re all at different places on the same path. There’s really no point in measuring your place against others’. The main thing — the only thing that matters — is just to be on the path. Cheers to everyone who is!
Great piece, John! Every writer must feel this way at one time or another. Continued success to you.
Merci!
What unspoken truths would you rather not share? How would it feel if you shared them right now? What do you do with your fear? How have you come to terms with yourself?
All excellent questions.
I HAVE come to terms with myself: I’m slow, and I’m advancing steadily on the road to self-publishing.
When the fear comes up (daily), we play Whack-a-Mole.
The one thing NO ONE can control is whether writing what they want to write has a built-in audience they can tap.
A few people who don’t like the niche will read because the prose is gorgeous (if it is), or some other reason, but in general, what you write and what a group of readers want to read has to intersect, in a major way, for your ambitions to be realized.
For some authors, that audience won’t even appear until they’re dead – and then they get no direct benefit from all that adulation. If they’re lucky, their heirs will.
Some people try the route of writing for a group that already exists (if you read Romances, you jump into writing Romances). If that works for you, fine.
It won’t work for me – I have 15 years invested in Pride’s Children, and I can’t tell you how much longer it will be to finish the whole. I like THIS story.
Wishing you the best finding your tribe, on your terms, if you can. And then making peace with that.
But I wouldn’t waste a lot of time worrying about it – I can’t get the time I spent that way back. You?
John, your piece really spoke to my heart. Thank you. I’ve come to a place of acceptance too — I’m a midlist author, some people even think doing work-for-hire is like being in the ghetto (yes, it’s been said to my face and obviously this person knows nothing about the ghetto), but I love my writing life, how it’s allowed me to stay home with my kiddos, take care of my husband, and grow as a person. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. And so are you!!! Wishing you all the best.
“I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.” Love that. Per Buckaroo Banzai, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
I think you both have a very clear sense of your process. Especially, “At this stage of my life, that’s very important to me.” I don’t know what stage that is :) but if you’ve gotten to the point where your freedom and your choices matter more to you than anything, then I’d say you’ve found a good place.
I think you’ve hit upon a very basic truth – that we rarely accept where we are. Not only that, we don’t enjoy where we are because we want to be somewhere else, further along, over that next ridge or rainbow. To me, that’s the best lesson to learn – how to truly accept and revel in where we are right now. To feel joy and gratitude for however far we’ve come. I believe if one can thoroughly learn that lesson then bigger and better things will find their way to that person.
Nice post.
Oh, what do I do with fear? I generally tell it to shut the hell up. :D
I am extremely happy to be where I am right now. But that doesn’t stop me from growing to a brighter tomorrow. And, indi or traditional, only I can make that vision a truth.
Let-me-reject-them-before-they-reject-me led me to indi publishing, too. But my need to have my truth be read by a larger readership led me to write more, led me to submit more. I have far more miles to walk, but I am walking them one step at a time.
Wishing you continued success
All I can do is commiserate with you. :)
If your brand is small, then mine is minuscule! When I entered the story writing world, I swore I wasn’t a hobby writer, and that I would be “successful.” Over the last two years I’ve come to the place where, like you, I’m working on accepting where I’m at, which I guess is that I’m a hobby writer! I shudder at the words, but I can’t say I’m doing everything I can to market and find readers, etc… I am doing everything I can to write good stories, though (ie. hire an editor…), but I guess if you measure being a “real writer” by how many books you sell, I will definitely fall short. And, currently, I’m not really interested in trying to enter the traditional publishing world, either. Should a door crack open, I might go there, but I’m not in the mood to start banging away on the door to get someone to let me in.
It’s tough to come to grips with where I’m at, and how that changes how I see myself, but what I really wanted to do when I set out five years ago was write stories people enjoy. I guess I can do that as a “hobby writer”, and so maybe I’m successful after all. Just in a way that I didn’t plan on.
I put my family (and my language teaching job) first before I could start writing seriously. Now
Contd. I’m into my seventh decade and am publishing on a blog until I have the longer work/s edited professionally. And, you’re right, until I lose the fear of rejection… Great to now I’m not alone.
And then again, John, you light up a room. I watched an hour-long presentation of yours in Sweden I think it was. Brilliant from beginning to end. You know the subject and can penetrate into the essence of things. What I would love is for you to redirect that I-Don’t-want-To-Be-Whacked energy just a whisker so that you are there (in the room) presenting your writing and having them eat out of your hand. And that’s the truth. You have many gifts.
so well-said and -done – your brave process of digging deeper and deeper into the truth/s puts me in mind of Donald Maass’ super-challenging exercises to deepen the reaches and impact of our fiction – bravo ~
I must congratulate you on your bravery to expose your most private fears. The rest of us share the fears but perhaps not the bravery?:-)
Fear is the enemy. Conquer that and you’re a free man. One method of dealing with goals and fear is to reread Florence Scovill Shinn’s The Game of Life and How to Play It. Others have cribbed off of this gem to sell millions. But she’s the real deal. I’ve given her book as a gift countless times. The wisdom is timeless. Priceless. Read it. Practice the methods and live the life you wish to. The mind must be trained. Untrained it’s a wild horse.
I would love for you to succeed in every area of your life. I would love for you to be fearless.
You are here for a purpose and no one can replace you. Try this approach and get back to me in a year or two. Wishing you All the Best!
Gillian
John, I think my fear is the opposite side of the coin from yours. I don’t fear rejection–I’ve had a lot of it the past few years. I fear putting something out there that a.) isn’t ready (there are reasons past projects were rejected) or b.) never gets found because of how many self-pubbed books are out there. So I continue to face rejection because it is easier for me to face rejection from industry professionals who have solid reasons for it than rejection from an audience because I simply was not ready or was never found.
Refreshing. Enjoyed reading it. It was like traveling through layers, and I suspect there are more.