Flog a Pro: would you turn this bestselling author’s first page?
By Ray Rhamey | May 21, 2015 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
The challenge: does this narrative compel you to turn the page?
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
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A First-page Checklist—Protagonist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn’t deal with five of the things in the checklist.
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This novel was number one on the New York Times trade hardcover fiction bestseller list for May 13, 2015. How strong is the opening page—would this have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Do you think it’s compelling? Reminder: “compelling” is much different than “interesting”—it means that you are irresistibly urged to turn the page by what you’ve read. Following are what would be the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1.
Skye and Henry stood on a corner of Union Square on a fading San Francisco afternoon in early June, the occasional odor of popcorn swirling through, trying to busk up a few dollars. Skye saw the devil go by in his black ’85 T-top, crooked smile, ponytail, twisty little braids in his beard. His skinny blond girlfriend sat beside him, tats running across her bare shoulders like grapevines, front teeth filed to tiny sharp points. Skye turned away, a chill running down her back.
Henry was strumming on a fifty-dollar acoustic guitar he’d bought at a pawnshop. Skye played her harmonica and kept time with a half tambourine strapped to one foot, jangling out into the evening, doing their version of “St. James Infirmary,” Henry banging between chords and struggling through,
“When I die, bury me in a high-top Stetson hat . . .”
He did not sound like any kind of black blues singer from the Mississippi Delta. He sounded like a white punk from Johnson City, Texas, which he was.
• • •
SKYE WAS STOCKY with high cheekbones and green eyes. She wore an earth-colored loose knit wrap over a sixties olive-drab army shirt, corporal’s stripes still on the sleeves, and gray cargo pants over combat boots. Her hair was apricot-colored and tangled, with a scraggly (snip)
My vote and editorial notes after the fold.
Did you recognize John Sandford and his Gathering Prey, the 25th story in his “Prey” series? Was this opening page compelling if you picked it up to sample it in a bookstore?
My vote: no
Actually, if I offered an “Almost” choice, the voice and the interesting details might have gotten me that far. I was a little irritated at the notion that the odor of popcorn was trying to busk up a few dollars, and the fact that I have no idea of what a “T-top” car is. On the “no” side of things, nothing much is happening here, and there is no problem facing either of the characters. It’s clear to me that this is setup—tension-free setup— and it didn’t pass the “tension on every page” smell test for me. The only tension was in Skye when she saw someone that she may or not know drive past. Then “the devil” was gone and clearly no problem at this time. In other words, there’s little hint of story here, so why turn the page?
Someone will no doubt point out that, since this is Sandford’s 25th book in the series, he must be doing something right. Well, sure. But that’s not the challenge here. Here the hurdle is a narrative strong enough for an unknown writer to guarantee the turn of a page. For this reader, it wasn’t cleared.
As for why there is no “almost” choice in the poll, the compelling-first-page hurdle is the one that a new writer has to pass when submitting to literary agents who see as many as 30 queries a day, and they don’t have an “almost”—it’s only yes or no, the latter about 99% of the time. So, IMO, a first page has to be compelling, not interesting, not “almost.”
Your thoughts?
Please help beginning novelists with constructive criticism, join me on Wednesdays and Fridays for floggings at my site, Flogging the Quill.
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
I admit, this is the first one of your floggings here that I didn’t even finish the excerpt provided, so it reached “hell no,” not just plain no. The busking popcorn smell irritated me, too. I liked the devil riding by bit, but the description was mostly of the girl with the devil, and then it didn’t go anywhere. When the author got into a lengthy physical description that was just a list of things, I stopped reading. I really dislike the laundry list of attributes presented by the narrator from on high, unaffected by any character observations.
Voted no. Not even “almost” for me. Tedious and dry. There was nothing engaging about this opening. What astonishes me is that GP Putnam’s editors didn’t correct the glaring misplaced modifier (odor of popcorn trying to busk money) in the opening line?!
No, with a yawn. Millennial fashion statements aren’t my thing.
I must admit I also yawned but not for the same reasons. There is no emotional connection to either of the characters and I couldn’t wait to finish the page.
I voted No. I perked up when “the devil” was mentioned. The rest was a big yawn. I guess it’s true, that established pros can get away with stuff that the rest of us can’t.
I am apparently only one of two people to vote “yes” on this–and the other guy didn’t even bother to comment.
Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age, but these first few paras had enough going for me to turn the page. Details are my friends in writing, and I was chilled by the “front teeth filed to tiny sharp points.” I mean, who does that to their front teeth?!
I also liked the humor of these two jangling away on the street corner doing a bad impression of the blues. Hey, I bet I see them downtown today!
(And I wasn’t irritated by the popcorn issue–didn’t even note it until you put it into my head, Ray.)
I guess this goes to prove the old maxim that “you only need one yes” to make it–as well as the subjectivity of taste.
I, too, was a almost on this one. The street musicians were not of particular interest to me, although nicely described and introduced at the beginning. The appearance of the devil intrigued me right off the bat and I probably would have read more pages to see what he was up to.
Utter shite. Just shows you what these guys can get away with. But agents would queue up to sign Sandford.
If this was a new writer, and I had any influence, I’d suggest starting this way:
Skye saw the devil go by in his black ’85 T-top, crooked smile, ponytail, twisty little braids in his beard. His skinny blond girlfriend sat beside him, tats running across her bare shoulders like grapevines, front teeth filed to tiny sharp points. Skye turned away, a chill running down her back.
Then do the setting, but no need to tell us they’re busking. We see it.
Cut the last paragraph entirely. It moves us from 3d to Omniscient, and therefore creates distance.
Ray, do you keep stats? Of all the books we’ve flogged, I’m wondering if you know which received the highest “compelling” vote and whether it was a debut or not.
I would have turned, though I wasn’t compelled. I enjoy crime fiction and thought this was a set-up: the naive, vulnerable buskers about to be made victims by the devil, who was actually rendered creepier because of his girlfriend’s filed teeth. That never ends well. (A possible cult?) Also, I enjoyed the voice before it devolved into omniscient. But I would have needed it to pick up or I wouldn’t have made it to the third page.
It’s becoming clear to me how important the title and cover art are to establishing reader expectations. I wonder how many people here would have turned if they had known the genre beforehand. Then the signals about victim/villain/hero clamor loudly. Otherwise, it’s not clear what the story is promising and the technical issues become disproportionately noticeable.
Since agents know the proposed genre before they read pages, perhaps we should do at least that much in these floggings.
I haven’t kept stats, and now wish I had. Perhaps I’ll go back through the floggings and see. Good idea for a summary post, perhaps. Thanks.
Really nothing here for me. I agree with James about starting with the devil driving by. But all the rest of it was dross.
I was pretty tolerant of the first few paragraphs–though I like James Bell’s version better–but the last paragraph of description really lost me. There wasn’t anything drawing me in emotionally or in terms of tension, and while I don’t mind a little physical character description now and again, so far I could care less what Skye looked like and would rather know WHO she is. Preferably from close to inside her head (meaning staying in 3rd person), getting a better sense of her voice. Then maybe I would know why I should care.
I also voted no.
It was too detail heavy for me. If the description had been balanced with some sort of action it might’ve been okay. And the description was tedious. Especially of someone driving by in a car – you just don’t catch that many details when someone zips past you in a car.
It may be a personal thing but I don’t like writing that paints every single detail, it prevents me from conjuring my own images and keeps me from connecting.
Anyway, my two cents.
I voted no, since I would not have turned the page. I didn’t even like the devil part, since he didn’t hang around. For all we know, he and his crazy girlfriend were included just to show how easy it is to disturb Skye and might not make another appearance. I agree with Annie regarding the details obtained from a car driving by – especially the teeth. I guess the girlfriend might have been baring them like an animal.
Overall, I was bored…it didn’t even make me want some popcorn.
I liked it up until the extremely poor, out-of-place character description at the end. For a moment I thought it wasn’t even part of the excerpt. The popcorn thing tripped me, too, but not badly enough that I would have put the book down in a store.
My husband is a professional musician who happens to specialize in Jazz, Blues, and Dixieland, so the mention of busking and “Saint James Infirmary” grabbed my attention. Of course, the most interesting thing in the excerpt is the devil driving by. I might have turned the page to see if the devil shows up again, but that clunky heap of character description pulled me out of the story and made it a no go for me.
My vote is NO. I struggled to get to the end of this tripe. If, and only if, I were bored to infinity and back would I have read further.
There seems, indeed, to be a double standard as well as a huge element of chance in getting something published.
In light of that fact, we realize mastery of the craft and excellence of product are essential to even get into this lottery.
I voted No. I found the page lacked emotion. A chill running down Skyes back doesn’t tell me if she is angry, afraid, disgusted, or what.
Since I don’t read many thrillers, I decided to read the first page of the first John Sanford book, Rules of Prey published in 1990. That page had lots of tension because it had lots of emotion. While it had more description than I prefer, the description painted a picture of the character that left me with chills down my spine. I might go back and read this first book in the series, but the first page of the latest book put me to sleep.
I do like description and detail and find the current fad for stripped-bare prose to be pretentious, to put it kindly. Some of my favorite writers use terrific detail to great effect. Currently reading James Lee Burke and loving the richness of the experience.
Still, there must be something off about the detail in the specimen page, because I’m feeling nothing about this story, except a desire to be away from it.
The problem, for me, is the voice. It’s snotty and treats the characters with contempt. Not only will I not enjoy this story, I wouldn’t like the author if I met him at a party.
So, put me firmly in the NO column.
Hey, Ray:
Funny. I usually vote no but for some reason I felt indulgent today.
The Devil made me vote “yes.”
That (the devil and his girlfriend) is the only element of this excerpt that provides intrigue or a hint of conflict-to-come, and the fact the story immediately leaves it behind with no hint of where it might lead isn’t promising. (If Skye told Henry to bag it up, they had to run, NOW, it would have kicked off a bit more promisingly.)
Also, the busking scene wasn’t crisp or fresh and though Skye seems potentially interesting as yet the key word there is “potentially.”
But I’m from the San Francisco area, and I gave it some props for that. I like Jim’s edit, and I agree with Jan that I was more interested than compelled.
But hey, the Devil. Something’s GOTTA happen, right?
Voted NO. Boring… It seems like I’ve read something like that before. The narrative is too dry and lacks of emotions and colors. I would not definitely buy it after reading the first page.
Absolutely no! I was barely able to finish reading the first page. Nothing happened. I could care less about what the characters looked like at this point. I want action, a goal, a dilemma. This definitely did not do it for me.
I’m in the minority here and voted ‘Yes’ — though if there was an “Almost” vote, I would’ve done that. I thought the references to the devil and the details about the sharp teeth were interesting enough to turn the page, though I didn’t connect with the characters off the bat.
But! If we’re looking at perspectives…and I’m pretending to be an agent/editor and this landed on my desk, I’m assuming that it’s merits would actually stick out MORE.
After having read piles of work that might not be quite ready yet, the juxtaposition of the wacky characters — blues singers who sound like punk rockers and devils just driving by with tatted up blondies — in an interesting street setting would be enough to make me, as an agent/editor, wonder what these guys are actually gonna DO. They’d get another page.
My vote was also no. Since I didn’t know the genre, I was slightly intrigued by Skye’s sighting of the ‘devil’ (was she on drugs? was she schizophrenic?). Obviously from her distance she couldn’t have seen the filed teeth, etc. But the popcorn, the description, and especially the last paragraph all put me off.
Nope. The only thing I thought was interesting was the devil riding by and then he was gone.
My vote was a resounding NO. I saw nothing that would interest me in the characters. There was no action, and I also dislike laundry list descriptions. It was not plausible for her to have seen the details she described in a car going by. That was the only halfway interesting part. Nothing about it was compelling. I barely made it to the end of the excerpt. I review the books of debut authors, and much of the time their work is far superior to this attempt.
I voted No.
I was put off by a the cultural references that I didn’t understand, and the line about playng harmonica and keepig time – which made me think “This author has been listening to the song Me and Bobby McGee”, but the absolute killer is the line telling me that Skye had “high cheekbones and green eyes”
Cliche sqared!!!
When I was a teenager I was driven crazy by how many characters in fiction had “high cheekbones.” In recent years I’ve noticed how many (mostly female) characters have “green eyes,” but at the sight of both in the same sentence I nearly screamed (and would have done except that I’m on a computer in a public library!)
Please Please PLEASE can we BAN the use of “Green eyes” as shorthand for “attractive.” The proportion of green-eyed women in fiction is completely out of line with the proportion in the population, not to mention the balance of men and women who have them.
I like some description, especially of setting, but starting off with a page of it is deadly for me. Perhaps we were meant to see a link between the bits of description, but they came across as random and unrelated observations. I didn’t find anything here to connect me with the emotionless characters or suggest any impending conflict. As soon as I got past the asterisks and discovered more description was forthcoming, I quit reading.
The only reason I would turn the page (or buy the book) would be if I were a fan of the author.
No, absolutely–I had to force myself to make it all the way through the page. Mangled (and repetitive) syntax, details without purpose, boring verbs, sentences that lack energy and drama: this is writing so flat you could skateboard on it.
Sounds like this guy has lost all his enthusiasm for writing (if he ever had it–I don’t know, as I’ve never read him) and is just doing it for the money.
Oh no! I certainly would have given it a few more pages, if only to see what the devil was up to. I can see these people clearly, and I liked the tone. It always worries me when I like what other writers hate!
It was the final para of description that turned me off. Yes, the popcorn was a distraction (you have to come out of the story to think ‘huh?’ and re-read it to see if it makes any more sense the second time), but the early descriptive stuff was at least colourful and vivid and contained motion. Then the author as much as says, ‘okay, now just wait there while I give a complete physical description of the girl – head to toe. It comes across as incredibly amateurish, though best-selling author Michael Connelly does exactly the same thing when describing his characters. It doesn’t signify that the whole book is a dud – Connelly writes the most gripping and page-turning of novels despite this irritating flaw – and it makes you wonder how many potentially great manuscsripts get the thumbs down from editiors because of it.