Shame and Your Writing Career
By Dan Blank | April 24, 2015 |
Today I want to talk about the deeper motivations for decisions we make around our craft and career as writers. How fear and shame often play a role in decisions on how we practice our craft and navigate our career.
For instance, the person who doesn’t release their finished novel because they fear it will tank. Or the person who does no marketing whatsoever because they don’t know how to do it, so they conclude, “marketing doesn’t even work.”
Okay, let’s dig in.
What They Don’t Teach You
Over the years, I have noticed a growing number of things that I wasn’t taught in school. Hopefully some of these have changed, either in your personal experience, or in modern education in general. For example, in my personal experience:
Schools don’t teach entrepreneurship; how to take calculated risks to build a business around work that you find meaningful.
They don’t teach emotional literacy around money. They teach accounting and economics, but not how to deal with the psychological and emotional aspects of money. Instead, many people deal with money from either a fear-based mentality, remaining trapped in jobs they hate for decades, or they make decisions based on marketing alone. For example, a person might read an article about the new Apple Watch and how great the company is doing, so they buy Apple stock. In doing so, they feel they are indirectly benefitting from Apple’s success, therefore this is a sound financial investment. But that isn’t really how investing always works. It’s not just “buy whatever is successful at whatever price you can.” That isn’t investing; it’s a reaction that makes you feel good for a moment.
Schools don’t teach communication skills at a comprehensive level — skills such as debate, public speaking, interpersonal communication, negotiation, relationship management and so much else. These are life skills that are necessary in thousands of tiny moments every day, but training is typically only offered once in your educational journey, as a single elective.
They don’t teach how to recognize and cope with silent crises. Situations such as bullying, or how to recognize when a friend or colleague is suffering from some form of abuse –- be it emotional, physical, drug related, or something else. Because without knowing how to recognize when to help others, these situations are often ignored, lead to gossip, or isolate that person.
Again, I will note that this is my personal experience in education — yours may have been very different. I am aware that recognition of how to prevent and cope with bullying has (thankfully) become a very prominent topic in education recently.
Writing & Shame: Digging Deeper
How does all of this relate to writing? Like other areas of life, we often make decisions about our writing career based on surface-level excuses that mask deeper motivations.
We resist writing for deeper reasons.
“It just feels so selfish, I have a responsibility to my kids, and the house is a mess.”
We resist craft for deeper reasons.
“That teacher doesn’t know what she is talking about, all of my beta readers loved it.”
We resist aspects of the publishing process for deeper reasons.
“Are people who self-publish really that desperate?”
We resist marketing for deeper reasons.
“Marketing doesn’t work. I tried it once and didn’t sell one additional book. Same thing happened to my friend.”
We resist social media for deeper reasons.
“I don’t have time to share photos of my lunch, I’m too busy for that.”
We resist success for deeper reasons.
“I grew up in a family where you didn’t gloat about what you are doing. Besides, I don’t deserve it.”
Do you see how these are surface level excuses masking deeper emotions? You would never get rid of your phone because you once received a call from a telemarketer. You would never give up email entirely because you once received a spam email. You would never stop going to stores because you were once overcharged. You would never entirely stop going downtown because there was once a rude person in front of a store.
Yet so often, our decisions about the practice of our craft and how we manage our careers are based on flippant decisions that FEEL right, but we don’t dig deep enough to uncover why we feel that way.
Shame and Asking for Help
A couple weeks back, I signed up for a personal trainer at my local gym. Toward the end of our first session together, I got light-headed. I ignored it, but it persisted. As the trainer was showing me the final cool-down exercise, I had to stop him, walk to a nearby hallway and sit down. I felt like I was about to pass out.
He sat down with me, employee after employee asked if I was okay, a nurse checked me out, and they brought me a juice box.
So here I am, sitting on the floor like a child, drinking a juice box, in the middle of a gym filled with other adults who had bigger muscles than I did.
When I began to feel light-headed, I first experienced the shock of being in a very public place, my body not functioning correctly, and someone [the trainer] is looking right at me, still talking. After shock, my next instinct was denial.
Ignore the light-headed feeling.
Why? Shame. Shame that I wasn’t as fit as I thought. Shame that I had to openly admit that I couldn’t hack the workout. Shame that I couldn’t live up to the standards the trainer set.
That is one of the biggest insights I took from this experience: Here I was, feeling so light-headed that I felt I was about to pass out, and I am staring at this personal trainer silently. He is still talking, showing me the next exercise. Yet, I keep staring at him, shocked that he doesn’t see that I am light-headed.
I am literally waiting for him to offer me some water, and to sit down.
When I needed help, I was waiting for others to offer it. And that isn’t how it often works. How would he know I felt as though I was going to pass out? He only would have known when it was too late, when I physically dropped to the floor unconscious.
Why did it feel like the hardest thing in the world to open my mouth and say, “I’m just going to take a few minutes to have a drink and sit down”?
I had to ask for help.
As I sat on the floor, drinking my juice box, I kept telling myself to not be embarrassed.
Lost in the Woods
What did I think about while sitting on the floor? A story a friend told me like 17 or 18 years ago.
He was out hiking by himself, and got lost in the woods. He began trying all of the obvious solutions — backtracking, looking for landmarks, noting the placement of the sun, etc. Nothing worked; he was in the woods without any clue how to get out.
He explained that something happened in this moment that he didn’t expect — an overwhelming sense of shame.
He began to take dangerous actions, moving more quickly, which of course led him to walk in circles, tire more quickly, and waste valuable time and energy as night approached. He realized he didn’t have extra water or any other survival tools. This was the days before mobile phones were a standard piece of hiking gear.
As he told me about the shame he felt, and how it led him to act to cover it up, he told me that this is what gets you into serious physical danger.
This is how people die.
You reject that you are lost because of the shame, and then you do a bunch of ill-advised things, which means you are further from being found before dark.
In the end, my friend knew that portions of the woods were reserved for hunting, and that he ventured into it. He finally had his bearings, so he walked in straight line towards the exit. Because he was in the hunting area, he flapped his arms and kept yelling “I’m not a deer!”
This is how he found his way out of the woods. In total embarrassment.
I was thinking of that while on the floor in the gym, drinking my juice box, with other adults looking down on me as they walked past. I kept thinking, “Don’t be ashamed.” Also: “Don’t apologize.” Don’t be sorry for being honest about what was really going on with my health.
Which is why I sat down in the first place, instead of just “manning up” and waiting to pass out. I had found my limits and had to communicate them. In doing so, I wanted to avoid true physical danger.
How did things turn out after that? Good. I am taking the following proactive actions:
- This may seem obvious, but I’m not going to overlook it: I went back to the gym. Part of me did think, “Gee, I wonder if the staff was talking about me, and when I return, I will be known as The Guy Who Almost Passed Out.”
- I now eat an apple and a banana an hour before my personal training sessions to give myself the energy I was likely lacking in that first session. For that first session, I had last eaten 4.5 hours prior. My body likely needed more fuel.
- I now go to the gym 5 days per week, with weekly sessions with the personal trainer. When we are working together, he checks in with me a bit more often now to ensure I am feeling okay and ready for another exercise.
It would be so easy for shame to lead me to stop. To make decisions about important things based solely on emotions or half-considered justifications. For instance, “Personal training isn’t for me,” because of one experience. But I realize that there is a long-term price to that decision. I want to be healthy, not just for this week, but two decades from now.
Rejecting Shame in Your Craft and Career
I won’t pretend it is easy to reject shame when it crops up. And it’s worth noting that what I am not a trained mental health professional, just someone reflecting on the experiences around me. (If you are going through heavy stuff, please consult a trained professional for competent medical advice.)
When shame crops up in your craft or your career, here are some things I have found work for me and others I know:
- Ask for help. As I indicated above, this sounds so simple, but is so easy to resist. Amanda Palmer’s book The Art of Asking is a good primer here, as is Jennie Nash’s blog post about lessons from that book for writers. To me, asking for help starts with the words “Hi, I need some help…”, not a big bold move such as enrolling in graduate school, assuming this will magically solve your problem without you ever having to overtly ask for help. Even saying those words feels difficult sometimes. If you need it, practice saying it.
- Get a second opinion. When shame crops up, it can seem as though you are uniquely trapped in a situation, and that talking about it will only expose your shame to the world. In that moment, get a second opinion. Talk to someone. Oftentimes, you find that they pull you out of that dark place, and you realize that others struggle with the same thing you do every single day.
- Make experimenting a habit. Too often, we trap ourselves in a narrative of what “is” and dogma of how “things really work.” Oftentimes, this is simply one of many possible perspectives. Make it a habit to push yourself outside of your comfort zone once per month, or once per quarter. Apply for an award, participate community writing exercises (writing prompts, flash fiction, etc.), attend a conference or meetup, join a writing group, interview a successful writer, etc. What you want here is to avoid being a focus group of one, whereby your singular experience encourages boundaries that are actually pretty subjective.
- Always ask questions of others. Especially if those questions seek different conclusions than you current have. If you think indie publishing is silly, get in the habit of talking to successful indie published authors. If you think traditional publishing is silly, then make it a habit to talk to traditionally published authors.
- Address mental health concerns. This is again where I have to remind you that I have zero credentials for health advice. If you struggle with any kind of anxiety or other concerns, there are so many professionals who are trained to assist. Seek them out. EG: Support groups, therapy, doctors, friends, colleagues, etc. Mental health is not some big scary distant topic, it is something that needs to be proactively addressed in the nuances of our everyday lives.
Is shame a motivator for you at any level of your writing career? Do you make decisions in order to protect yourself from narratives of shame? Please share your thoughts below.
Thanks.
-Dan
PS: For more on shame, there is, of course, the wisdom of Brené Brown, as well as this recent TED talk with Monica Lewinsky.
Dan Blank is the founder of WeGrowMedia, where he helps writers share their stories and connect with readers. He has helped hundreds of authors via online courses, events, consulting, and workshops, and worked with amazing publishing houses and organizations who support writers such as Random House, Workman Publishing, Abrams Books, Writers House, The Kenyon Review, Writer’s Digest, Library Journal, and many others.
Dan, thank you for a powerful and personal post. It is indeed hard to admit that we are on the journey rather than at the destination, and even harder to admit that we will likely need help to get there. Your post is a great reminder that truth, not posturing or self-fables, is the true position of strength.
Jeanne,
Thank you so much!
-Dan
Yes, big fat ditto, as I love how Jeanne summarized what you’ve talked about here.
Btw, I find it interesting that so many of the things you talk about not being taught in school are things that I learned through reading fiction. :)
Kristan,
Ha! LOVE that!
-Dan
Thanks for being so brave about shame as something to deal with.
I’m comfortable, if that makes sense, dealing with fear. I keep a Fear Journal. I write fear out when it is keeping me from writing, from digging deeper into a scene.
But I haven’t dealt very well with shame, which is a reaction to being imperfect. I suspect that no matter how good your parents are (and mine were), the process of growing up is a constant stream of comparisons with people who have already figured things out: parents, teachers, authority figures…
And, by comparison, they are better – and we are not good enough. Twenty some years of this, and you’re marked in deep and subtle ways – and ashamed to know that you don’t measure up.
The long apprenticeship that goes along with learning to write is more of the same.
And add self-publishing to that, with all the things you don’t know, and have to learn – and fail at when you start, and shame can creep up on you.
Fear and shame both respond to being dragged out into the open air and examined critically – because they don’t hold up. Logically, if you are about to pass out, you should say something, get help. But I can empathize with the denial, and denial DOES have an evolutionary advantage: many prey animals essentially deny they are sick or injured because predators go after the weak and the sick.
Animals rarely have another animal to help them, so pretending may give them enough time to actually heal. And work as a long time strategy.
Humans can learn to do better – because there IS the possibility of help, and help can shorten that necessary physical or psychic healing time. So we have to fight back against this tendency to feel shame and deny we need help.
There is a tiny advantage in becoming self-aware for writers: the more you understand fear and shame and all the other automatic emotions of the human condition, negative as well as positive, the better writer you can be.
I may just start a Shame Journal.
Thanks, Dan.
Alicia,
Thank you for such a thoughtful response! You make a really good distinction between fear and shame, I will actually have to consider that even more. I also appreciate how you talk about these feelings building up slowly over time, and that recognizing them (via journal or otherwise) is a wonderful first step to addressing them. Thank you so much!
-Dan
Dan, what a stunning article. You always write with unflinching honesty and put the depths of humanity into your posts. Which is a very refreshing change from many marketers.
A few years ago, I decided to fulfill a childhood dream and take horseback riding lessons. When I signed up, no one told me that at this particular stable, their idea of lessons included the student learning to groom and saddle the horse, and pick out its hooves. As the teacher showed me how to get the horse to lift its hoof and pick out any crud encrusted in it, I got more and more anxious. When I tried it, I started getting lightheaded. There I was, holding up a horse’s hind leg that weighed more than I did, hunched over in an awkward position, and one good kick from this animal would have sent me flying.
I did almost faint and wound up sitting for most of the remaining lesson on the floor of the tack shed, feeling like a humiliated and pathetic idiot. And yes, I did continue to take lessons but never got comfortable with the whole hoof-picking thing.
A few months ago, I self-published my first novel. Although I did a lot of marketing, and tried various strategies I’d read up on online, the book has not gained any traction. And I do notice how embarrassed I feel when, now, the first thing people say when they see me is “Selling any books?”
Who knew publishing was an endeavor that required such courage, such a strong sense of self-worth, and such fortitude? And yes, despite some advice to the contrary, I am working on the sequel to that first book and do plan to publish it. However, I have experienced strong resistance to writing it, and I recently realized it’s because I stuffed my disappointment about what had happened with the first book. Shame and denial. Two old foes that frequently rear their extremely ugly heads, but they must be faced, felt, acknowledged, if we are to be able to move on and not let them stop us in our tracks.
Thanks again for a phenomenal start to my morning.
Leslie,
Thank you for those very kind words, that really means so much to me! And I appreciate your honesty here, that puts everything in such a strong context for other writers. Great example of how one experience can drag down your future potential; how one book not finding an audience discouraged you from writing the next one. THANK YOU for the honesty and examples here, and can I just say: CONGRATULATIONS on pushing forward!
-Dan
Hmm, Dan, you made me think hard this morning. Maybe some of my fears are actually shame, and could be handled differently by realizing the difference.
A good post is one that sets fire internally, so thanks!
Dee Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT
Thank you so much Dee!
-Dan
Reading your post today, two things really stood out for me.
Your story about your friend being lost in the woods…what a metaphor for novel writing. When the going gets tough, if we panic, get irrational, make foolish choices, then it’s only going to lead to embarrassment at the end. Or, as you put it, people die that way…and so does many a manuscript. On the other hand, getting help–reaching out to mentors, taking advice, taking time to think and being willing to reassess–this is equivalent to calmly figuring out the dilemma and seeing your way out of the woods.
I also loved your example with the personal trainer. With more than a year away from my regular training due to an injury, I’ve been humbled these past few months as slowly I’ve started at the bottom of the ladder again. But this time I’ve decided to work with a great coach–one who knows his stuff–and he’s all about the go slow and make sustainable gains approach. I’ve put embarrassment aside and instead take heart at knowing I’m on track to shine. Once more, there could be a metaphor in that. I’m approaching my current novel this way, using the great services available through Jennie Nash’s Author Accelerator; last novel, I was like your friend in the woods, and I swore I’d never to THAT again. This time, it’s going amazing, and all because I’ve asked for help.
John,
Thank you, love hearing your take on the metaphor and your own journey. And yay for Jennie Nash! I’m a fan.
:)
-Dan
When I read your post, Dan, my first thought was “My friend so-and-so REALLY needs to read this.” As I read on, I realized it applied to me, too. Perhaps my aversion to social media is really a feeling of shame that I should more more about this stuff, and embarrassment that I don’t.
Thanks for an eye-opener.
That is a huge insight Rita! Thank you for sharing it here.
-Dan
Dan-
Your five visits a week to the gym are making me ashamed.
I’ll get over it. Seriously, this is a great post. Here’s one thing I notice you didn’t say, or maybe don’t need to say: What holds people back from writing, publishing and promoting is NEVER that they are incapable.
Everyone is capable. The thing is, the writing itself is that hardest part. Ask anyone who is not a writer. What’s easy for writers is hard for others; what’s painful for writers is a pleasure for others.
What I might add to your insights, then, is that shame is disproportionate to the difficulty. What we call difficult is really only tasks less familiar to us.
Allow shame. It’s okay. It’s natural. But then get over it. Follow Dan’s advice: Ask questions, ask for help, ask yourself “Am I capable?”
The answer is always yes. Thanks, Dan. Maybe in school they should teach putting shame in its place. What a shame they don’t.
Don,
WOW – these are incredible insights, thank you for this! You are right, this is a huge statement: “Everyone is capable.” Huge.
I agree too that shame doesn’t adhere to a level of difficulty, but to the level of familiarity/comfort or how it can trigger a soft spot unique to each individual.
Thank you for the kind words here.
-Dan
Wow. Excellent post. Thank you for shining the light into the dark crevice of shame, exposing it for what it is . . . common.
Thanks Michelle!
-Dan
Funny you should mention it!
Much needed post. You’ve touched on something no one talks about. Interestingly, one that men are typically unable to, so your comments are doubly appreciated.
And…it’s interesting to come across your post just now. All this time I’ve understood that ‘the critic’ weighed me down in my creative life. Until quite recently I didn’t understand the role of shame. Thanks for the introduction to Brene Brown.
Thank you Lois!
-Dan
Thank you, Dan. You know this is a good post when you get Donald Maas to admit to shame! Although I can’t think of any reason why he would feel thus, as he gets enough exercise stimulating our minds.
I thought I would attach a You Tube video which brings to light the issue of shame, in an albeit humorous manner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7wmPWTnDbE
You’ve said for us what we would not say to ourselves. That’s one thing that makes you so effective. Happy Friday. Rebecca
Thank you Rebecca, and thanks for the video!
-Dan
Thank you for this great post, Dan. I’ve been thinking a lot about shame lately as it relates to writing. I feel shame when a publisher doesn’t want the third novel in a trilogy because the first two didn’t recoup. When my agent goes through two rounds of submissions – and rejections. When people ask how my books are selling or when my next one is coming out, and – well, see the aforementioned rejections. I’m ashamed to admit to being rejected. It’s like saying I’m not good enough, and maybe I never will be. Shame, for me, is linked tightly to my expectations, to the expectations of others, and to comparing my writing life to the lives of other writers, who are succeeding where I’m failing. But am I failing? Ah, that’s shame speaking. The reality is that I’m in process and always will be, and I’d do myself a favor by delinking my self-worth from my success or failure as a writer. That’s not easy for me to do, but I’m trying. It helps to realize that everyone deals with shame in some form or other. So thanks again for your honesty and for opening this conversation.
Karyn,
Thank you for such an honest account of how specific moments in your writing career bring up these topics.
-Dan
What an insightful post, Dan, and equally intelligent comments. I’ve really enjoyed hearing everyone’s thoughts.
At a workshop I attended recently, someone asked how to get new writers to be “realistic” and understand their book (especially if it’s their first book) is not going to be a big bestseller. I answered, you don’t. (As an editor, I frequently work with new writers.) First of all, even when you tell someone the statistics, they’ll say they understand (and part of them does), but they don’t really believe you. We writers are dreamers, and so there is going to be a tiny but persistent part of that writer that thinks they will be the exception. When their book comes out and they find out they weren’t the exception, as Leslie so bravely discussed above, there is the inevitable sense of shame and disappointment.
But we writers are also tenacious, so we push through it and learn something: disappointment doesn’t kill you. Shame is (hopefully) a temporary emotion. Fear is only paper thin.
The reason I don’t push my writers too hard to “accept reality” is because the things that fuel us, over the long haul, are passion and dreams. So many of us write not just because it seems like a viable career path, like banking or something (har har), but because we feel absolutely compelled to do it. It’s a drive that exists deep in our marrow. And what in the heck is wrong with that? I say: go for it!
Plus, someone is going to be this year’s exception. Who am I to say the talented writer sitting in front of me isn’t going to be the one?
Yes, we need to understand how our industry works so we can work intelligently within it. We need to not let fear or shame stop us, just like you didn’t let it stop you from going to the gym.
And, I would add, don’t be ashamed of your big dreams. Chase them. Give them your whole heart. Because even if you don’t quite “make it” all the way, you won’t regret that nearly as much as you will regret not trying at all. And, I’ll bet, you’ll still eventually accomplish something grand. Something that will make you feel another emotion: pride.
Thank you again for such an honest, thought-provoking post.
So well said – thank you Donna!
-Dan
Dan,
I am so glad I stopped to read this post today. It just so happens that I’ve been watching TED talks by Brené Brown recently so your post was well-timed. Shame can wipe so much self-respect from our lives. In some situations, it can be truly devastating. I’m so glad you were able to share your personal experience because it can help others in their personal lives and in their careers. Everyone seems to be talking a lot about compassion these days and it is an important topic. However, I think more people need to talk about shame and its impact on our lives. I’m so glad that I saw your post today.
Thank you Frances!
-Dan
Frances, I can’t thank you enough for the tip on Brené Brown. Just started listening/reading her stuff. So much resonates! Just wanted to let you know.
Great post, Dan. Publication is one of those goals that are often viewed as the aspirations of a daydreamer or perhaps a mid-life crisis. We tend to accept that view and shove our writing into some corner where it will not disturbe the productive members of our circles. Anyone who has been at this game for a while knows better. We work hard and often for very little. Most of us will write a half dozen novels before we can even consider publication. Once we do publish–self or traditional–we sell very little. We try to explain that the first and second books are only the first of our long careers, but the non-writers among us remain astonished. Writing a novel seems an impossible task to most. So to write a dozen before you even begin to see a return on investment seems like insanity (I’m hard pressed to argue, yet I still keep at it). It is very much like the gym. We’re not in it for a quick fix. We’re in it for the long haul (four days a week, by the way). We live in a society that wants results yesterday. The few of us who understand the reality get little respect. Until, of course, we become the overnight success after 20 years of trying.
Thanks for the post.
Ron,
Thank you for the reflections and honesty here!
-Dan
Excellent article, because you’re right, too many of us indie writers are not prepared to be business-people. We also don’t always ask for help, or find ourselves deserving of it. And if our writing isn’t valued among our families and friends, we may hide it.
I write romance, steamy romance, which is smirked at pretty universally among those who don’t read it. Thank God I found Romance Writers of America, a professional organization of smart, savvy women and men who showed me the way to build a career.
However, respectfully, can we please talk about this without the school-blaming?
As a parent of two grown sons, ages 26 and 30, and as a retired school librarian, I’ve seen and participated in the intense interpersonal skills being mentored and taught in schools for my sons’ school careers as well as the children I taught, beginning with Kindergarten.
Yes, the formal anti-bullying movement is fairly new, but not the civics piece.
Teachers and counselors begin with ‘Share the crayons’ and move on to more and more advanced social studies projects in which students’ group activities mirror adult politics at city, state, national and international levels. Civics has been an important piece in education for years, and it is not the ‘Read this, listen to my lecture and take the test’ rota of my youth. (I don’t know how old you are) It centers on cooperative projects, including business & political ventures, including formal presentations at the culmination.
So yes, they teach all those skills you say they don’t.
Could schools spend more time getting into the emotional toll business can take? If they had the time.
My dream is for schools to have time for entire courses to help kids understand the incredible power advertising has on our lives. The belief that we’ll be happy if we just own that certain product, or look that certain way can steal our happiness and our confidence.
Just as having our writing criticized can, until we find the confidence in ourselves to step out and try again. It’s not easy, but every successful writer has done it, haven’t they?
Thanks for reminding us all to reach out!
Cathryn,
Thank you for the thoughts here! It wasn’t until college that I took courses that dissected advertising; loved those classes. Oh, and I’ll be speaking at the RWA event this summer in NYC!
-Dan
Dan:
Brene Brown’s books on shame and vulnerability provide some great exercises to dig deeply and practice being more authentic, creative and brave in face of shame etc. The Gift of Imperfection, and Daring Greatly are two I’d recommend. As always, your insightful and honest thoughts are appreciated!
Thank you Anny – great recommendations!
-Dan
Great post, Dan. My most recent revelation was accepting that marketing more resembles asking for help than begging, if done in the proper spirit. And it’s both empowering and humbling to realize your friends — and your readers — want to help.
David – REALLY well said. Thank you!
-Dan
Once again, Dan, your post is really well-timed for my world! I’m appreciating the conversation in the comments, too–thanks, everyone.
Just this morning, I was feeling frustrated that a particular person was not being supportive, and I realized he probably doesn’t know what would be helpful for me right now (or realize what effect he is having). I should probably be clearer about the kind of help and support I need! Having the courage to speak up in that way–and move beyond the embarrassment of not being, well, perfect–is still something I find challenging, but I am get a little better at it as time goes on.
I find if I tune into my own process and (slow) progress, I can be fairly patient with myself. On the good days. When I focus too much on what others think of where I am or what I haven’t gotten done yet, that can really trigger the shame or the urge to apologize. I’m partway through reading Palmer’s book, by the way, but also really enjoyed Playing Big by Tara Mohr. She’s approaching some of the same concepts of experimenting, getting feedback and second opinions–though her book really is aimed at women, and the way they are socialized to “play small.” At the base of it, though, I think her ideas apply to anyone trying to create or do something that feels challenging.
Finally, as I read this today, I realized how relevant the question of shame is for my MC. She undergoes what looks like major failure, really getting lost in the woods, and there’s bound to be some shame related to that. I think I’ve been avoiding putting her shame on the page, even though I know in the back of my mind that it should be there. I’m still drafting, so there’s yet time to see if I can push the story to that place.
Alisha,
Thank you for this! I appreciate the recommendation on Tara’s book as well. Have a nice evening!
-Dan
First, I’m glad you were okay, Dan.
Second, I can’t tell you how often shame is intertwined with health issues, both as causation and result. Also, that it’s almost always the product of isolation and ignorance (i.e. the belief that the situation is particular to me and due to my failures). It was my great privilege to see how little it took–empathic listening–to begin to break shame’s grip.
As for shame and writing, my post here Monday was about my (mostly) resolved issues about not finishing long-form fiction. I knew I wasn’t alone in the struggle and the emotions, but it’s been astonishing how many people have reached out to say “me too” and “what a relief”. Guess it’s all about that sunlight and oxygen, right?
Love what Brene Brown has to say on the subject, and in the days of the Internet, it’s more crucial than ever to have an idea about resources if we’re caught in a shame storm. Thanks for this.
Oh, thank you Jan!
-Dan
Dan,
Thank you for this very informative post. Three years ago, I decided to get back into writing after an extremely long hiatus–about 20-25 years in fact. I didn’t write. I did think about writing, but didn’t act on it. This was pre-internet, so it was much harder to publish and I did not have the confidence, so I didn’t try. When I did finally decide to write again, I had no trouble reaching out. I started reading various blogs and subscribing to Writer’s Digest. I’ve been a fan of their publication for years. I discovered that most all authors, and even the A-listers, were so helpful and loved to help new authors. So, I was ok with asking for help. The shame portion, well, I think you wrote that section just for me! I have had several people tell me that they like my writing, but I don’t think I ever believed it myself. I write a review blog for new authors. I have seen so many write 2 or more books while I am trying to write my first one. I research, then start writing, delete–rinse and repeat. I never considered it before, but it was shame, I didn’t think I would be good enough to compete and felt like I was alone in this and felt more shame. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone, and thank you most of all for being here for those of us that can use the boost that you provide. You are an inspiration! :)
Thank you for these very very kind words Rebecca. That means a lot to me.
-Dan
Strong, generous and open writing, Dan—thank you. Shame can be a dangerous thing, as you point out. I’ve been feeling shame the last few weeks, because my siblings and I have to move my mom out of her house—the house I grew up in—and into assisted living at the beginning of next month; she really doesn’t want to go. She’s had costly 24-hour care at home for a long while, but there’s no money left, so the house has to go on the market. No matter that it’s not actually true, I feel like I’ve failed her, and feel ashamed.
Family shame, however murky, aside, you’ve given us good advice on how to address the issue in our writing work. The first steps in asking for help seem like impossible leaps, but it’s clear that the asked often move in much closer so you don’t have any distance to fall.
Thank you Tom. Good luck with the move. You and siblings are doing the difficult – and RIGHT – thing to help your mom. I appreciate your sharing that here.
-Dan
Dan, thank you so much for this incredibly thoughtful article, and for sharing your own personal experience at the gym.
For much of my life I avoided shame like the plague. I would hide from it, lie about it, ignore it, deny it, and flog myself internally with relentless abandon every time the memory of a shameful experience popped into my head. Brene Brown’s work has helped me immensely, and yet your article reminds me of how shame and I are still such intimate friends and how easily it can pop up in our lives in the smallest of moments … like working out at the gym.
Even more so around the parts of our lives that are deeply meaningful – like writing … or becoming a parent (new mom here!). Asking for help is my big thing, and I’m thankful you introduced me to Amanda Palmer’s book as well.
You are a wonderful resource and guide for us writers. I appreciate all you do!
Reese,
Thank you so much for the kind words, and congratulations on becoming a parent!!! I appreciate your insights on how this has cropped up in your life. Have a wonderful day.
-Dan
Dan, thank you! It’s great post uncovering our deepest emotions, and people don’t love to talk about shame. But shame is powerful, as well as fear, and we have to deal with them. Thank you for advice!
Thank you so much!
-Dan
This is fascinating and it makes a lot of sense.
But what do you do when you either don’t know who to ask or the people you do ask don’t have the answers you need to keep going and you don’t know where to go from there?
I really don’t know what I’m doing marketing-wise, and every article or blog post or book I read tells me *what* to do without telling me *how* to do it. I ask the authors, but I never get answers that do any good. It’s like I’m supposed to know how to do this stuff by osmosis and that all I’m supposed to need is the list of things to do.
What do I do then?
Great questions! First I will say that no one has “all the answers,” and that in the beginning, there are no obvious paths. You have to — slowly — figure out what works for YOU.
For finding people, you can potentially start right here in the WU community. EG: become involved in their Facebook page, and here is the key: be observant of who is a like mind. From the authors of the posts, the frequent commenters, etc. I have seen loads of friendships happen in ways such as this.
Go to an event, join a workshop or course. Do the same.
Something that works well for me is interviewing. I am doing an interview series as research for a book I am writing. These are setup as 40 minute chats, not surface level questions. I dig DEEP and only do the interview after days of research. Here are the interviews:
https://wegrowmedia.com/dabblers-vs-doers/
(see the links toward the bottom) Also I turned them into a podcast:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/wegrowmedia-dan-blank/id537049566
And here is a post about my research process:
https://wegrowmedia.com/behind-the-scenes-of-my-podcasting-interview-process/
So this same thing may work for you. In the beginning, I started by taking people out for coffee or lunch.
Thanks.
-Dan
Thanks Dan! I loved your list of excuses. I can’t imagine any writer not thinking some of these at any time. And yes! I’ve thought them, too. Your “splash of ice cold water on the face, it a motivator. I’ll have this bookmarked for the next time I make up an excuse for writing.
Peace!
Thank you so much Kathrine!
-Dan