Flog a Pro: would you turn this bestselling author’s first page?
By Ray Rhamey | September 18, 2014 |
Trained by reading hundreds of submissions, editors and agents often make their read/not-read decision on the first page. In a customarily formatted book manuscript with chapters starting about 1/3 of the way down the page (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type), there are 16 or 17 lines on the first page.
The challenge: does this narrative compel you to turn the page?
Please judge by storytelling quality, not by genre—some reject an opening page immediately because of genre, but that’s not a good enough reason when the point is to analyze for storytelling strength.
This novel was in first place on the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list for September 21, 2014. How strong is the opening page—would this have hooked an agent if it came in from an unpublished writer? Do you think it’s compelling? Reminder: “compelling” is much different than “interesting”—it means that you are irresistibly urged to turn the page by what you’ve read. Following are what would be the first 17 lines of Chapter 1.
Eight days ago my life was an up and down affair. Some of it good. Some of it not so good. Most of it uneventful. Long slow periods of nothing much, with occasional bursts of something. Like the army itself. Which is how they found me. You can leave the army, but the army doesn’t leave you. Not always. Not completely.
They started looking two days after some guy took a shot at the president of France. I saw it in the paper. A long-range attempt with a rifle. In Paris. Nothing to do with me. I was six thousand miles away, in California, with a girl I met on a bus. She wanted to be an actor. I didn’t. So after forty-eight hours in LA she went one way and I went the other. Back on the bus, first to San Francisco for a couple of days, and then to Portland, Oregon, for three more, and then onward to Seattle. Which took me close to Fort Lewis, where two women in uniform got out of the bus. They left an Army Times behind, one day old, right there on the seat across the aisle.
The Army Times is a strange old paper. It started up before World War Two and is still going strong, every week, full of yesterday’s news and sundry how-to articles, like the headline staring up at me right then: New Rules! Changes for Badges and Insignia! Plus Four More Uniform Changes on the Way! Legend has it the news is yesterday’s because it’s copied secondhand from old AP summaries, but if you read the words sideways you sometimes hear a real sardonic tone between the lines. The editorials are occasionally brave. The obituaries are (snip)
My vote and editorial notes after the fold.
Did you recognize Lee Child and his Personal? Was this opening page compelling if you picked it up to sample it in a bookstore?
My vote: No
If I had known it was Lee Child, I probably would have turned the page on the strength of his reputation and previous work—but that’s not the challenge here. The test is a simple one—is there enough gripping story on the page to force a page turn?
What happens on this page? We’re told about (not shown) nonspecific musings about the character’s life, a shooting six thousand miles away that he has nothing to do with, an unattributed “they” looking for him, a brief and meaningless hook-up with an actress, his travel itinerary, picking up an old Army Times on a bus, and then the narrative launches into the history of the paper, it seems. For this reader, this narrative, on its own, was far from gripping.
Here’s my view: why not start a novel with compelling storytelling? Why mutter around in this fashion when there’s a story waiting to be told? Weave in this kind of stuff while something happens! Gets a No from me.
Your thoughts? Would you have turned the page?
If you’d like to help beginning novelists with your constructive criticism, join me on Wednesdays and Fridays for floggings at my site, Flogging the Quill.
Ray Rhamey is the author of five novels and one writing craft book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. He’s also an editor of book-length fiction and designs book covers and interiors for Indie authors and small presses. His website, crrreative.com, offers an a la carte menu of creative services for writers and publishers. Learn more about Ray’s books at rayrhamey.com.
I said yes. I like the chatty tone of first person narrative, although it struck me that the woman probably would have said she wanted to be an “actress” not an actor, since it seems like this is in the 70’s.
For me it was a definite no. Why not start with the people coming after him, and some action? It was a lot of info in 17 lines, and I found myself going back twice to a previous sentence so I could double check what was going on. I also found the first paragraph vague and clunky.
I’ll be brutally honest, I almost didn’t get to the end of that excerpt. There was nothing wrong with the writing, and as a previous commenter mentioned, the chattiness was easy to read. It’s just that, nothing whatsoever happened. There was one sentence at all which describe anything that was happening NOW: “Which is how they found me.”
From that though, and from the rest, I get no real sense of who we’re talking about. (Granted, it was a Jack Reacher novel, but from cold…) Also, and more importantly, ‘they’ may have found him, but what are the stakes?
After that first paragraph the rest is waffle. It tells me nothing of character or plot.
I notice this is title ‘Preface’. I’d probably skip to Chapter One at this point and give it another go. Perhaps return to it later.
Mybad–the “Preface” was a copy/paste error from a previous post. It has been removed. This is actually the start of chapter 1. My apologies. I shall have to fire my proofreader.
Ha! No bother.
In that case, I probably wouldn’t have read on at all.
From a purely subjective point of view, it’s dripping with thriller-clichés too. Not my bag either way.
I did not know it was Lee Child, and my vote was Yes. The opening line suggests that this narrator’s life has just had something major happen to it, and only eight days ago. I like that. I’m interested.
Then another mystery: “how they found me.” I want to know who they are, and what getting found is all about. Was this guy someone who did not want to be found?
Next paragraph: it has something to do with an assassination attempt on the president of France, and the Army.
OK, I’m ready to find out more.
The paragraph about the Army Times establishes military experience or at least background. At this point I’m willing to give the author some beats like this, because of the interest already established.
I’ve not read the book yet, but I’m confident that this author, who may break out soon, has some action in the offing.
James Scott Bell–
I don’t agree with your Yes vote, but the analysis you provide illustrates how one pro goes beyond a superficial reading of prose. And since this blog is meant to be, among other things, instructional, I thank you.
No. Absolutely no. The writing is dull and the subject matter didn’t connect to anything for me. When opening lines tell me things are “uneventful” and “slow periods of nothing” I’m already yawning and ready to close the book. Wow, Lee Child? I was shocked to see this author’s name on that paragraph. Not his usual fare at all.
Dear Ray:
Thanks for your creative and engaging blog.
I thought that the second and third sentences: “Some of it good. Some of it not so good,” could be omitted as the information is present in the first sentence and the rest of the first paragraph.
It struck me (or didn’t strike me hard enough) that the character seems so uninvolved that I wondered why I should care about him.
Thanks for getting my brain fired up this morning, Ellen
Ray–
This first page from a hugely successful writer illustrates two things: 1, what a hugely successful writer can get away with; 2, how amazingly undemanding and forgiving are 20% of the people who voted in your poll (or, they already knew who had written the page). It’s the sort of example that can exasperate an unknown writer: now she sees how reputation trumps everything else for agents and editors. In short, it can confirms the wisdom of being one’s own agent and publisher.
As the writer/editor of my comment, I cast a “no” vote: it should read “can confirm,” not “can confirms.” My apologies.
No way.
Admittedly part of my reaction is because the opening hints at a by-the-numbers thriller, a rather dry one, which doesn’t appeal to me. But beyond that, I found the writing drab, nearly dialed-in. It was like reading notes I sometimes scribble before drafting a scene — MC reflects back, sitting somewhere, thinks of up-and-down life, a recent fling – oh, and be sure to weave in past army career, Paris assassination attempt.
Somehow this particular author never got around to fleshing out any detail, unless you count the tangent about the Army Times. I enjoyed that mainly because, by the third paragraph, I was starving for some description beyond “old” and “up and down.” Really? What color were the eyes of his hook-up? Did the bus smell or was it one of those new plush rigs? Give me something.
What’s funny is I’m a big fan of plain-spoken writing, appreciating when an author adapts the language and rhythm of his characters. A big part of revising my first book was reeling the narrative in, striving to “say it simply” as the note above my desk encouraged. But a line exists between simple and boring, and I’m afraid this opening drifts to the latter.
Ray, I knew it was Personal by Lee Child for two reasons–I’d just finished the book (which was not Childs’ best Reacher book, but not his worst) and the opening said “Jack Reacher” to me. That aside, if I were just judging the book, I would have said “No.”
Thanks for bringing up this subject.
I didn’t know it was Lee Child, but I said no for the same reason that I do not like Lee Child… I find the prose to be choppy and the cadence difficult to follow. All those short sentences in a row feel too abrupt and clunky.
I really liked the first paragraph. And then the second was okay… And then…and then…
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
As Ray said, it descended into vague mutterings about newspapers and itineraries. It lost that intriguing edge of the first paragraph.
Not impressed. I’m not particularly a Lee Child fan–I like his books co-written with Preston much better than his solo outings, which I rarely finish. (And no longer buy because of that.) But I didn’t recognize the writing particularly. It’s just that this page completely lost its hook after that first interesting paragraph.
So I’m a NO vote.
Meg, it’s LINCOLN Child who writes with Doug Preston, not LEE Child. Similar names but different men.
Ooops. You’re right! My Bad.
I still haven’t much liked the LEE Child books I’ve read (or tried to read). Just…not for me. I lose interest in them very quickly and generally don’t finish them.
I suspect I’m just not in his target audience, which is perfectly fine. But this opening doesn’t make me all that inclined to try to dip into this newest book either.
I voted yes. I could tell it was written by a man and probably for men (usually a turn-off for me) but, even though he meandered, I got caught up in his easy style and what he did say had me curious.
It might not have been compelling, but I like style and cadence better than compelling.
I think my answer would have been yes. I guessed it was a Jack Reacher book, so that may have prejudiced my answer. We can all complain about proven authors having to hit a lower hurdle, but I think that’s because they have proven they can deliver a compelling story. Lee Child has certainly done that, and since we supposedly know how hard it is, it seems we should respect him more than casual readers who haven’t spent a lot of time staring at blank screens.
1) I did not know it was Lee Child.
2) I have read Lee Child before, and enjoyed him.
3) I found the prose choppy.
4) There was no story hook. In fact, it was a “long slow (coupla paragraphs) of nothing much.”
5) I didn’t care about the character.
6) I only perked up because I live in Portland, Oregon–but then the bus rolled right through my fair city.
7) This opening was accepted for publication based on the author’s reputation alone. As Barry Knister says above, it illustrates what a hugely successful writer can get away with. The rest of us try something like this, and it’s a “sorry, not for me.”
No. I forced myself to get through the first paragraph, struggled through the second one, and gave up by the third. The entire first paragraph is just detailing how nothing happens. Not compelling for me. Perhaps if he had broken up that first paragraph, maybe singled out “which is how they found me” on it’s own line, my interest would have been piqued. But with that big paragraph, all the rhetoric runs together.
I said no. There was nothing happening on the first page at all. We have a nameless, faceless character who isn’t doing anything. He doesn’t seem fearful that an unknown they is looking for him. We don’t know anything about why he’s on the bus. Was he in the Army? Did he used to write the paper?
If an unpublished author submitted this to an agent, the response (if any) would be “Not for me, thanks.” And rightly so.
Hi Ray,
Though I agree with James Scott Bell that there are two hooks scattered in the prose, the stuff (fluff?) in which they are scattered is repetitive and flat. The second through fifth sentences say the same thing as the first one, only not as well. Yes, he’s going for voice, but he should also be going for us. I don’t need a woman jumping out of a burning building holding a baby in her arms in the first scene (or any scene for that matter) but I would like a demo on thoughtful or skillful writing. . . It’s first page after all.
So it’s a “no.’
I love your posts.
I’d turn one more page.
The first para dropped enough hints to build tension (“Eight days ago my life was an up and down affair” and “Like the army itself. Which is how they found me.”) Those would keep me reading, but admittedly, by the 3rd para, I was skimming, which maybe doesn’t count as compelling. But there’s storytelling, and then there’s writing, and those opening lines would keep me reading for story.
Re: the 2nd and 3rd paras…one of them works, both don’t. I started skimming by the 3rd. If it had been the 2nd para, I’d probably have read the whole thing, but two in a row was too much. It was bad timing, to put two paras on backstory wanderings and ruminative wonderings (apparently) unrelated to the unfolding story.
fwiw, I don’t think it would have taken much to make that 3rd para more powerful. The opening line sort-of killed it: “The Army Times is a strange old paper.” “Old’ doesn’t feel relevant to the ‘now’, and has a deeply reflective tone.
I suspect all it would have taken is some explanation about why he’s directing our attention there, to pull me back in. “…but it still told stories that could get a man killed” or whatever. Something to make me pay attention, to make it relevant and pose questions that make it dramatic.
And who knows, maybe that kind of line came on the top of page two? Which is why I’d keep reading. Or…skimming.
According to every book on writing I’ve read, this opening would be a perfect sample to illustrate how not to begin a novel.
I look forward to Flog a Pro posts, and I never scroll down for the cover reveal, but the very nature of Flog a Pro premises the author is already a celebrated writer, so I knew this opening was accepted, as written.
The author ran out of ink at line three and I voted NO at that point. That’s about as long as an unknown author would get in a cold read, before being tossed aside.
But since I am one of those unknown writers, and keen to learn, I read the excerpt to the end. I thought perhaps the writing would pickup or maybe this author cleverly embedded an enticing hook. Maybe the page ended on a redeeming note.
By the time I got to the ‘yesterday’s news’ line, it confirmed to me that crafting a compelling opening matters little if an author is famous enough to have their name on a book cover twice the size of the title. Not exactly yesterday’s news.
Yesterday’s news, yes, but, if you listen to what agents and editors say about first pages, I don’t think you can get to having your name twice the size of the title without writing that’s a whole lot more compelling than this from the start. Just for fun, I went back for the opening page of the first Jack Reacher novel. This page I would have turned–there’s voice and something’s happening. Here it is:
I WAS ARRESTED IN ENO’S DINER. AT TWELVE O’CLOCK. I was eating eggs and drinking coffee. A late breakfast, not lunch. I was wet and tired after a long walk in heavy rain. All the way from the highway to the edge of town.
The diner was small, but bright and clean. Brand-new, built to resemble a converted railroad car. Narrow, with a long lunch counter on one side and a kitchen bumped out back. Booths lining the opposite wall. A doorway where the center booth would be.
I was in a booth, at a window, reading somebody’s abandoned newspaper about the campaign for a president I didn’t vote for last time and wasn’t going to vote for this time. Outside, the rain had stopped but the glass was still pebbled with bright drops. I saw the police cruisers pull into the gravel lot. They were moving fast and crunched to a stop. Light bars flashing and popping. Red and blue light in the raindrops on my window. Doors burst open, policemen jumped out. Two from each car, weapons ready. Two revolvers, two shotguns. This was heavy stuff. One revolver and one shotgun ran to the back. One of each rushed the door.
I just sat and watched them. I knew who was in the diner. A cook in back. Two waitresses. Two old men. And me. This operation was for me. I had been in town less than a half hour. The other five had probably been here all their lives. Any problem with any of them and an embarrassed sergeant would have shuffled in. He would be apologetic. He would mumble to them. He would (snip)
Yes, much more compelling.
Although I now notice that Child has a thing for abandoned newspapers in his first pages.
Great contrasting example!
No. It took too long. To get to the point. It was confusing. To me, at least. And I don’t mind short sentences. But not all the time. It makes me feel like I’m out of breath. Or stammering. Or like I’m being rushed by the narrator. Or maybe the author thinks I won’t read on if he throws in a long sentence.
Thanks, Andrea. Showing. Is better than. Telling.
I voted no. The first few sentences only succeeded in convincing me this character was no different than anyone else walking around. Had it started with the line: You can leave the army, but the army doesn’t leave you. Not always. Not completely.” I would have voted yes.
I recognized a Jack Reacher novel immediately and so would have kept reading because I love Lee Child’s books! But… had I not realized instantly that it was Jack Reacher, which promised a great book based on the other 18 I’ve read, I would not have turned the page. I’m not sure this is Lee’s most compelling beginning. But I will read it anyway :)
Yes. Absolutely. The first sentence is filled with intrigue and possibility. I know life as he knew it has ended. The rest of the paragraph builds on that but also gives me voice. I’m hearing someone who is tired and perhaps jaded.
Granted, the first page is not action-packed, but it is character-packed and I feel it building. He describes many mundane facts, but first slips in that they began looking for him after the president of France was shot. He may claim to have nothing to do with it, but we know the army thinks he has something to do with it. This guy is somebody. And he is cool in his skin.
The last paragraph returns to the mundane but I don’t believe it is without purpose. It reveals an outsider’s observance, slightly cynical, and yet I know he used to be one of them. What happened? He appears to be a drifter. Did he drop out for a reason? And of course, now I know they found him. It feels like it is all about to hit the fan. I am curious enough about that I would turn the page.
If it depended on me reading the whole first page, no. I actually would’ve skimmed fast, seen ‘found me’, seen ‘Army Times’, seen ‘brave’, and thought maybe one more page. But reading from the top no.
Perhaps if he started with cold farewell from the LA girl, “Sorry, your not a producer or a casting agent, I don’t have time to sleep with guys who can’t help my career.” Or being approached by a DIA or CID agent, How he knew I was on that bus I have no idea, well I have an idea but I don’t like to think they know that much. “Sir, we need you to come with us.”
That said, once I knew it was Lee Child, I reread it and heard the whole thing in narrator Dick Hill’s voice and it sounded better right away, so I’d probably keep going with the audiobook.
It was hard for me to get past the very first paragraph. It was too vague and abstract. The short, choppy sentence seemed frantic, or like they were trying to be exciting, but they weren’t exiting. The frantic mood was not compelling, but irritating.
I like when we found out that someone is after him and finds him, but why should we are about the various states he stopped in, the actress, or the newspaper?
I understand that writer’s get into their world building and character voice, but…this is the wrong place for it.
At least have him use the newspaper to cover his face as “they” are walking by, or something, to make it suspenseful.
Sorry, Jack Reacher. It’s a No.
I did sense it might be Lee Child’s work, and if I knew it was his, would (and actually will) give it more time and read further into the book.
However, the thick Army Times paragraph would have made it a challenge to continue. So I voted no.
Otherwise, everything before that, the fling, Paris, etc, had me interested.
I said yes, because of the first paragraph. The character sounds like a Jack Reacher or Jason Bourne type of character.
“Eight days ago my life was an up and down affair. Some of it good. Some of it not so good. Most of it uneventful. Long slow periods of nothing much, with occasional bursts of something. Like the army itself. Which is how they found me. You can leave the army, but the army doesn’t leave you. Not always. Not completely.”
I’d have to say no. It didn’t grab me and make me turn the page at all- in fact I almost didn’t keep reading after the first two paragraphs.
That being said- had I know the author and the reputation behind it, I would have kept reading. But on it’s own? No.
Thanks for doing these, it’s great to read all the comments and reasons:)
There’s enough mystery and voice to keep me going. Whether I go much longer is still in question.
I’ve never read Lee Childs and I’m planning of starting. ;-)
Whoa. I got halfway through the second paragraph before I said no, and muttered, “Lee Child did this better in ‘Without Fail’!” I’m a big Lee Child fan, have read (and reread…) all the Reacher books.
Reading the excerpt over again, I’m shaking my head, still saying no.
My “no” indicated that this was not compelling.
The soft hooks did pique a tiny bit of curiosity, but the voice is too self-absorbed to hold me for long. I think Jack Reacher is not a character I’d care to spend much time with.
I may have to read one or two of those novels to see what makes Lee Child such a best-selling author. When I get time, that is.
Out of curiosity, I went to Amazon and read the whole first chapter of this book and into chapter two.
And I still know virtually nothing, and I truly could not possibly care less.
It definitely isn’t my genre, and with writing of this caliber isn’t likely to become so.
As a newcomer to this blog I think (most of you) are being a little harsh. I get the impression that you are really eager to flog a pro almost regardless of the writing style and content.
Somebody has attempted to assassinate the president of France, the protagonist is potentially being sought (and found) for this crime or maybe another. He has met a wannabe actress on a bus who it seems will become part of the story and all this in 17 lines!
Army newspaper notwithstanding Why would you not want to turn the page?
:-) Caroline, I think you have a good point.
I’d thought, and should’ve also said, when one does have the name recognition and following that Lee has, there’s an assumption that the vast number of followers (myself included) know some or most of the back story of the character and have seen enough validations of story interest in all those previous books, so that this beginning is more than ok.
Re-reading the first page sample, I still think the long paragraph is a challenge for me, but for a different reason (must be the coffee I just had). :-)
It’s too abrupt a change in tone and technique from the previous short and partial sentences:
” It started up before World War Two and is still going strong, every week, full of yesterday’s news and sundry how-to articles, like the headline staring up at me right then: New Rules! Changes for Badges and Insignia! Plus Four More Uniform Changes on the Way! Legend has it the news is yesterday’s because it’s copied secondhand from old AP summaries, but if you read the words sideways you sometimes hear a real sardonic tone between the lines.”
I think, for a moment, it made me afraid Mr. Child has changed his approach to his fiction. Which he should be allowed to. Of course. And I would (and will) still read the book, but it worried me. For a minute.
Gosh your comment made me think a lot for a Saturday morning. :-) Thanks Caroline!
Thanks for your comment, Caroline, it helps point out how subjective reading is. I for one am not “eager” to flog a pro–I hold the opening page to the same standards I do on my blog, where more than 800 writers have submitted their first pages. And I have seen a lot that were far more interesting than this one.
You put a lot more on that first page than I saw, especially the notion that he would be connecting with the girl he last saw two cities and a number of days ago, and he doesn’t even mention her name. And that’s just fine. Thanks again.
Ray
Thanks Felipe
I agree that it is not the best written opener especially that final paragraph which, as you say, is a complete change of pace and tone, a let down from what has just been revealed.
However, if the question is whether the passage has enough intrigue to make you turn the page then I think the answer is Yes (and I am speaking as someone who has not read anything by Lee Childs).
Hope you get to read Lee Child, I know just from reading two of his Jack Reacher books, he’s quite a story teller, and I plan on working my way through all his books. Doing the same thing with Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books (have read four).
Someone, in a comment a bit back, when I’d mentioned I’d read my first two Stephanie Plum books, said she envied I still had all that series ahead of me. I’ve begun to understand what she meant, and feel it applies to Lee’s books as well.
Nice to have those kinds of discovery right in front of us. :-)
Best wishes Caroline (smiles).
Judging this first page as thought it was a submission to an agent or a new author on the market is a little unfair on Child. The nth book in a series won’t be written the same way as the first (as you can see from the example above) and for good reason — it isn’t necessary.
Child doesn’t have to follow the sort of basic rules you would expect an aspiring novelist to follow to catch someone’s interest. Jack Reacher fans (which I am not) want to see their man in his down time, mulling over banal and trivial stuff as he passes through some nameless town. That’s his thing. Seeing him go from disinterested drifter to killing machine is part of the paradigm for these thrillers. It’s repetitive and formulaic and, like most successful genre series, extremely tedious if you aren’t a fan.
Any book that’s this far into a successful run won’t really tell you very much about what makes a good opening for a thriller in general. Its idiosyncrasies are very specific and neither follow standard structural concepts nor suffer from their lack.
regards,
mood
I respectfully disagree, mood. I can’t see any reason why a bestselling author can’t be held to the same storytelling criterion as other writers because, for one thing, he is perfectly capable of beginning with strong story, as the example from his first Reacher novel that I added above shows. There are other bestselling authors who continue to provide the reader with a compelling opening page, too. Child could have done that here, but he didn’t. When it comes to storytelling, in my view, there are no excuses. If unpublished writers are advised to “make every word count,” then why not the big guys? By the way, the “basic rule” is to craft a compelling narrative. I don’t see a compelling reason why famous authors get to ignore that.
I’m not saying he can’t be held to that standard, it’s just that he doesn’t need to worry about it. If he chooses to start slow and ponderously he can get away with it for the reasons I mention above, which (I suspect) often make writing more enjoyable for him. Stephen King is another very successful writer who can really take the rambling path in some of his books. Readers will allow it, whereas they won’t for other authors.
The ‘big guys’ don’t have to make every word count because readers don’t punish them for not doing so. I’m not saying that’s a good thing (I often skim large portions of bestselling books) but it is, i think, undeniable.