On Giving Up
By Monica Bhide | August 4, 2014 |
photo by Kyle Slattery
Please welcome today’s returning guest, Monica Bhide. Monica is an established nonfiction writer, appearing in Food & Wine, The New York Times, Parents, Cooking Light, Prevention, Bon Appetit, and many other publications. She’s been named one of the seven noteworthy food writers to watch by The Chicago Tribune, and one of the top 10 food writers on Twitter by Mashable. She’s also published three cookbooks, including her June release, Modern Spice: Inspired Indian recipes for the contemporary Kitchen.
Monica’s first short fictional story, entitled Mother, was published by Akashic Books in a collection called Singapore Noir just over a month ago.
We’re thrilled to have Monica back with us today to talk about one of our favorite topics — pushing through doubt.
You can learn more about Monica on her website, and by following her on Facebook and Twitter.
On Giving Up
Last week, I made a rather harsh decision. I decided to quit writing. Forever.
To know how hard this decision was for me, consider this: all I have wanted to do is write stories. But sharing stories, in my culture, is the equivalent of being perpetually unemployable. My parents were totally against my decision to become a writer. So instead I earned myself an engineering degree with two masters in technology. And found myself employed with a six-figure job for over a decade. But the calling to write was too strong and in the end it won out. I became a writer, a food writer to be more specific. For ten years, I wrote books, articles for national and international magazines and newspapers, and commentaries; got nominated for some awards; and even managed to get a syndicated column. I thought I had it made.
Until last week, that is.
You see, I met with a group of real writers. You know the ones, who in my arena at least, went to cooking school, slaved for years in restaurant kitchens to pay for going to a top-of-the-line journalism school, started out in journalism by sorting mail and eventually grew into editors, reporters, award-winning writers. As I heard them speak about their experiences, I felt myself shrinking in size. Their chat made me realize my biggest fear: my writing could never ever be as rich as theirs for I lacked the credentials they had. I thought I was a writer but after listening to them, I realized that I had no credentials to be a writer. I have never gone to culinary school, I have never stepped into the building of a journalism school much less taken a college-level writing class.
I was what they were referring to as a fraud.
I walked home that night with a heavy heart. Here I was, over forty, should I consider going to cooking school? I already had several degrees that were “worth” several hundred thousand dollars, but they were totally worthless. Then I thought perhaps I should go and learn to write. I sat on the steps to my townhouse and did something I haven’t done since high school. I wept. I don’t know how long I was there but probably for several hours.
When I got up to go into the house, I had made a decision. I was not going to write anymore. I couldn’t.
The next morning, I stared at my computer. I had deadlines to meet, assignments that were due. I simply walked away. I could not bring myself to sit down and write anything. The inner critic had won. I had tuned in to his channel and bought his words hook, line, and sinker.
As the week progressed, I began to grow restless. I attributed it to lack of exercise and focus. I began to send my old engineering resumes to make sure I could get something that looked and sounded like a real job to pay the bills. It made me even more restless.
Then, last night, I sat down and wrote in my diary. I wrote like I have never written before. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. As the words flowed, the restlessness began to disappear. As I filled the pages, my spirit lifted. As I searched for a different pen when I ran out of ink, I felt elated. The more I wrote, the freer I felt.
I realized what I had forgotten in listening to the real writers and more so to my inner critic: true passion isn’t about the end product of getting a byline. True passion is and will always be about the love of the process itself.
I subscribe to a newsletter called Letters from the Universe, and this popped into my e-mailbox. “The path to enlightenment is not a path at all, Monica, it’s actually a metaphor for the time it takes for you to allow yourself to be happy with who you already are, where you’re already at, and what you already have—no matter what.”
So who am I? I am Monica Bhide and I am, on most days, a writer.
Monica Bhide is an award winning writer, literary coach, poet, storyteller, and educator. As a bestselling fiction and internationally renowned cookbook author, Bhide is known for sharing food, culture, mystery, and love in her writing. Having roots and experience in many places, Bhide inspires readers everywhere with present day stories which transcend cultural, chronological, geographical, economical, and religious borders.
Bhide’s short story collection, The Devil in Us, topped the list on Kindle as a bestseller in its category of Literary Short Fiction. Her memoir, A Life of Spice, was picked by Eat Your Books as one of the top five food memoirs of 2015. Top Chef’s Padma Lakshmi picked Bhide’s Modern Spice (Simon & Schuster, 2009), as one of the “Best Books Ever” for Newsweek in 2009.
A respected writing authority, Bhide appears regularly on NPR and conducts sold-out workshops on writing, food, culture, and scheduled speaking events at prestigious venues as the Smithsonian Institution, Sackler Gallery, Les Dames d’Escoffier, Georgetown University, and Yale University. She has taught all over the world including conferences in London, Dubai, US etc. She has also been the “Writing Coach in Residence” for the annual conference of the Association of Food Journalists.
This is wonderful, Monica. The voices come from all kinds of places, too. This made me want to go write a long, long journal.
“…true passion isn’t about the end product of getting a byline.” It also isn’t about where you go to college, what company you work for, or any awards you’ve been given. As you say, it’s about the passion and love of what you’re doing. If you have that, you’re leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else. :) Great piece.
I think what Monica has that many writers do not is that feeling of not being worthy, and the self-doubt, questioning herself constantly. This is the reality for a lot of us, me included, but in this day and age of social media bragging where people only show the successful side of themselves, stuff like this needs to be said. Many may scoff at it, but many of us (me included) will take comfort in it. I, too, have decided to quit writing more than once, although for different reasons than Monica. But the first thing I always have the urge to do is sit down and write about why I won’t be writing anymore. And then I realize this is because I am a writer. We all spend far too much time watching and listening to others and judging ourselves against what we see and hear rather than judging ourselves against our own selves, our own passions and needs and desires. And talents. Thank you, Monica, for expressing this, your doubts and fears as a writer.
It’s so heartening to know I’m not the only one. Many days I do feel like an imposter when I sit down to write, but I continue just for the reason you say…the love of the process. The love of writing. Loved this so much.
Monica,
Hang in there and keep writing.
It was brave of you to tell this story and the story itself… of the agony and soul searching you’ve been through… is a sure and certain sign you are a writer.
Don’t feel you have to: but if you will send an email to me at rpetty at thewiredcity dot net, I’d like to send you a copy of an essay I’ve written that might be a help. No strings. If you like, just write “essay” in the subject line and I will send it along.
Your story truly hits home, Monica. We can all relate in our own ways. I have become fond of speaking rebelliously to that voice, right out loud, alone in my studio, “Oh yeah? Says WHO?” When nobody answers I just get on with my writing…
Trust me, the engineering job ain’t worth it. I actually blogged about this today before I read your post. I’ve started and stopped writing more times than I’m willing to admit. At some point, you grow weary of your own excuses. Make a plan and just do it. Money is nice, too, but you only get one shot at this life.
I am so touched and so grateful for all your kind comments. This was a very difficult piece to write and share. Thank you for your love and support.
Such an honest, wonderful piece, Monica. To me, self-doubt is just a mask for good ol’ fashion FEAR. Good for you, that overcame it and remembered who you really are. A writer.
The longer I am a writer (and the longer I experience the Impostor sensation) the more I realize how MANY people in many other professions worry that they, too, are impostors. That’s a bit of comfort, the I’m-not-aloneness of that realization.
I was just watching an interview with Margaret Atwood in which she commented on how people often tell her, “Gosh, I’d love to write a book.”
Her response?
“Why do you want to write?”
It’s a good question. Why do WE want to write? I think many of us here would say that our desire to write isn’t connected to desire as much as it’s connected to need. We need to write. You couldn’t go one week without writing. When I don’t/can’t write for a week, I feel like I’ve got the world’s worst case of constipation. Plus I get really angry. And hungry for over-processed food.
I think each time we vow to quit writing (and then return to our desks and computers) we get a little more comfy with the idea that yes, we are meant to be writers. We can’t not write.
Thanks for this beautiful post!
Hugs to you, Monica. I’ve been down that path and back with the same conclusion. I AM a writer. Welcome to the world of folks who don’t ‘work’ at writing but ARE writers deep in their soul and psyche.
WRITE ON…
There is no way back. I’ve come too far. I turn and see the swamps I’ve already overcome, and know in my heart that going back is worse than forging ahead. Besides, the place where I started is no longer there for me.
There are days when the knowledge chafes, like a pack getting heavier on shoulders grown sore. And I know it would be true even if I were forced to trudge on alone, unending. But I am not alone. There is support and joy to be found along the way. For that I am grateful.
Thank you for sharing so honestly, Monica. Onward!
Yep. A writer by any other name is still a writer.
Monica — thank you for being transparent and speaking aloud what we all feel. I came to a similar realization at a writing conference. I love writing. I do not love ‘being a writer’. So to prevent myself quitting another time, I’m going to (try) to just write.
A friend recently said to me, “I envy you. You’ve found your passion and followed it. Just talking about writing makes you glow. I think that’s an amazing feat for any lifetime.”
She was right, and I will do my best to remember her words when I’m feeling down. Maybe we all would do well to remember, no?
Denise Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth and GOT
Oh Monica, this resonates with me. Not only do I fight with being an imposter….I have never finished my degree–not one degree to my name. I have have fought with feeling inferior my entire corporate career, and each promotion I received was such a brutal fight. Reading this, I know I need to dig deep and write about my experiences from that dark place so that I can continue to scratch up to the light. I always feel that I a running by the seat of my pants as I forge my way to new learning. I love the way you write.
Bravo for the wonderful post and inspiration. You are so right about where our focus should be – and that is not on the end result. If the daily writing does not energize us, that is the time to consider a different job.
Monica:
What moved me about this piece wasn’t so much what happened to you as the way you wrote about it. As others have said, we’ve all been there. Surely there is a dash of lunacy in our need to write, but your story about that need was gripping because of the details. I was with you on the steps crying, with you trying to stare down the computer and felt a familiar rush of relief when you finally let it rip in the journal. It is a powerful piece because you captured the feeling so well, something I’m pretty sure writers do.
Thank goodness you are afflicted with the need to write. Made my day!
I’ve come to fiction writing sideways, as it were. I started in business writing and have hundreds of published articles and other work under my belt. I’ve been published in major newspapers. But I often see writing and editing positions requiring a degree in English or journalism–the kiss of death to a career when I was in college. Gluts of English-degree holders couldn’t find a job while I had no problem with my accounting degree and MBA. Finally after years of feeling “unqualified” I’m having novels published. As writers we need to destroy the “hierarchy” of validation used to compartmentalize and diminish other writers.
Sometimes we all need an internal yank-to-time-out. This whole business of fiction writing where we create worlds with internal conflicts and deep emotions takes it toll on our own emotions and leaves us somewhat vulnerable to self doubt. Your post helps me to breathe again. Monica, I appreciate your reminding us how to walk the true path.
Fiction is ALL made up. Heinlein never went to the moon.
What writers have is imagination – and ability to tell stories with it.
It isn’t about credentials – MFA programs have killed many a writer, or locked her in a box with rules.
I sometimes envy people who have jumped out of airplanes or covered a war – but they can’t write the stories I can. And my jumping days are over. So? I can go deep inside my head and get enough of it right – I have lived a full life.
I spent my childhood with my nose in a book. The grandchild next doors spends his bouncing a basketball. I envy his skill (he’s getting very good) – but at the end, he will have spent years bouncing a ball. For me that would be a waste of time.
I may be slow – of which I despair – but I’d rather write than bounce a ball.
Damn, so that unwanted, sour-faced visitor who whispers, “your work is crap” stops by your place too? So much angst in the inner life of many writers. Try this: next time crap-whisperer stops by, invite him in, and sit him down at your table and make him some tea. Then cuff him to his chair, and don’t let him up to pee.
You’ll soon find—after listening to his pleading, banal whimpering for the bathroom key—that he’s no level-headed literary critic who should be listened to, but just another shallow punk with a shallower story to sell. Don’t buy it. Write him into your stories and then edit him out.
[Note: I have to continue to edit him out. Friggin’ guy, even with his bladder full, still shows up now and then.]
Hi Monica,
Just what I needed to hear today! I’ve been turned down twice now by BookBub and feeling like I will never get my novels in front of the right audience, so what is the point?! I actually have a Journalism degree, but still, some days I feel like a fiction fraud!
Thanks for the post, and happy writing!
A friend sent me this link, and as I began reading, I started to feel myself very related to your story. Fears started to creep up and I started to feel that maybe I should consider quitting myself too. I questioned if I really had a “writer material” or even qualifications to name myself that. And then when you talked about the endless writing in the diary, I said: That´s myself!. I feel the same, it is like writers need this to be alive, they need words to flow out of them, because we know it makes us feel complete.
Beautiful post and thanks for sharing it!!!
Thank you for writing this. I have no real writing credentials, at least the kind journalists respect, and no real job outside of writing. Some days I fight the same voices you heard. It helps to know I’m not alone.
You’ve already worked it through–yay!–so this might be a useless suggestion, but have you heard of the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck. As another process-oriented person (recovering family doc), I loved the science behind her conclusions about two orientations to the world. In essence, the Impostor Syndrome belongs to the fixed mindset–a damaging orientation which is easy to invoke in others and oneself, but which has specific antidotes.
The one and only qualification necessary to be a writer is to simply write. There are definitely those who feel their degrees or awards or published works make them more ‘real’ than those of us without, but no one can deny the instinct that comes from within, that will not be denied, the need to write. Some need to learn it in a class, to others it comes naturally.
Thank you for this. Your honesty, courage, and conviction will keep me on my writing path.
This is such a wonderfully honest article. Thank you for writing it. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to share why it really hit home for me.
My background overlaps with Monica’s a bit. Like her, I have an engineering background, started writing about food in the early 2000s, went to the same food writing symposium as her (at the Greenbrier) around the same time, and was even a runner-up for the same writing prize there. The difference is that she didn’t give up writing when imposter syndrome reared its ugly head. I did, and I wasted years because of it. I’m now trying to make up for lost time.
Don’t give up. Don’t let the inner critic win.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post Monica. Writing is a journey and uncertainty is encountered. As others have said it is not about credentials – actually writing is the key. If you find your audience, as this post has, be satisfied and keep writing!
Best wishes to you
Jacquie
Splendid piece of writing….It’s great you did not listen to your inner critic and we got a lovely writer among us
I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their wonderful comments. I am grateful for all the love, support, insight and advice. And also a big thank you to all those of you who sent me emails sharing your stories. I am really very humbled and very honored.
This was not an easy piece to write and I took a lot of flak for putting it out there. But now I know that I am not alone in this.
I saw a young man wearing a t-shirt yesterday that read: The Journey Is The Destination…
So on we go!
Thank you again.
Wow. Your opening line in this post shows clearly that we should never let our inner inner critic overcome us for more than 5 seconds. Oh, ok, maybe 5 minutes! It just jumped out at me and is so powerful.
Writing is never about credentials, degrees or anything but the process itself, as you say.
Great post. thanks.
I loved this post. Writing isn’t determined by our qualifications, it’s determined by our words, our ideas and our stories. There will always be writers more qualified, more skilled and more talented out there – I think it’s important we feel inspired as opposed to threatened by them. Thanks for your lovely post, Monica.
Monica, I am in a WAY different league than you, I recognize, but so many points in this article hit home. SO many times a week I have that “fraud/ imposter” feeling (and that goes for both writing as well as teaching classes – “Gah, I’m not a trained chef who am I to teach these people!” I think to myself!) yet each time I think I want to quit one or both of these, I end up going right back to it. Because I am a teacher. And I am a writer. There, I said it!
We are our own worst critics. As I started to read your post I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I’ve just started a blog — I am uncertain about what I’m doing but I’m enjoying it. Do we need to wait for perfection first? I don’t think so. There are many good writers out there who have absolutely nothing to say – or at the very least interesting. But the nothing they have to say is written absolutely perfectly. I think we all doubt our abilities at times — some of us live with the doubts all the time. Your writing inspires me and I’m sure you’ve inspired many. I know I’m rambling but I believe it is so very important to feel the passion and love for what you do. You certainly don’t feel that way about engineering. I am so glad you’ve seen the light. Thank you for sharing your passion and your doubts.
monica, I am you. I did not go to culinary school. I didn’t get any training in journalism. I spent the last 30+ years working in banking and mortgages. but I want to write about food. I want to cook. do I think I’m good enough…sometimes yes. sometimes when I read posts from people like yourself and Patrick, others…..I don’t. I feel like I will never be good enough. but I keep plugging away and maybe someday… I will be published. maybe someday I will write an article as you just did and inspire someone else. I will never quit. thank you for being someone I can look up to.
This piece touched me to my very core. I love how Monica makes us feel like she’s talking to just me and knows so well what is going through my mind. Monica Bhide is my inspiration. When I want to “come up for air” I turn to her essays and that’s what keeps me going. Thanks for featuring her!
Wonderful insight Monica, I too like you came to food writing and teaching after years of being a lawyer, finally I decided to follow my passion and here I am writing my first book – many days I have the same thoughts of feeling a fraud, but then I look at why I do what I do, its about sharing my passion. A degree can’t teach many things one learns through following your heart and the yearning to know more about what you love. Am so glad you aren’t giving it up x