On the Many Dreams of Writing
By Jeanne Kisacky | July 31, 2014 |
Lately, I’ve been feeling like my life is living me. I have dreamed of being able to make a living as a writer since I was a teenager, but after several years of being a stay-at-home parent/part-time writer, I have recently taken on a new day job. Since I started spending a large chunk of my time in an office, I have been struggling with the feeling that I have given up on my dream of being a writer.
During the early months of my new job, when that feeling was particularly strong, a couple comments on a benign post on the Writer Unboxed Facebook group nearly brought me to despair. The post asked people to tell how long they’d been working on their WIP. The answers varied–from weeks to months to years. Some commenters expressed the opinion that spending years on a work without publication was a waste of time. I have been working on the same unpublished work for several years, so that comment hit hard.
I’ve spent the last few months arguing with that commenter in my head. This post is my answer, and an explanation of why it bothered me so much. It is also a plea for writers to separate writing from publication. They are interlinked, but they are not the same thing.
I also want to be clear that this is not just a lengthy justification for my failure to get published. I have published, just in non-fiction rather than fiction.
Making the distinction between writing and publication is important for me because it clarifies what role writing currently plays in my life. It is hard to explain without giving you a little insight into my writing day. So here is a brief log of what I (and what I think many of you) struggle with in aspiring to be writers.
Daily Log of an Aspiring Writer with a Day Job
- 5 am. If I want to write, I have to get out of this comfortable bed. Is this book really worth it? I’ve spent years working on it and I still don’t think of it as done. How is one more morning going to solve that problem?
- 5:10 am. Coffee cup on desk. Staring at blinking cursor wondering why I’m not in bed. Wondering what I was thinking when I wrote this scene. It’s awful. Wait, it has a nugget here that might shine.
- 5:30 am. Even the nugget sucks. I should go back to bed. There is no saving this work. Maybe if I just delete all my files I would live a happier life.
- 5:45 am. I finally lose awareness of the world around me and make the transition into the world of the story. I can’t type fast enough to keep up with the words.
- 6:30 am. I close the computer down and start getting ready for the day.
- 6:40 am to 8:00 pm. Day job, parenting, family, recreation, duties, responsibilities, events, and chores.
- 8:00 pm. Kids in bed, spouse busy at a hobby. I should write. I’m tired, it was a long day, I could just watch a video and go to bed. Maybe I’ll just read a book.
- 8:20 pm. I suppose I could just do some simple copy-editing on the chapters that are pretty much done.
- 8:40 pm. I find my way back into the story, and spend an hour writing happily.
Every person who dreams of being a writer faces numerous moments in the day, every day, where the choice is to stop or to continue.
Sleeping, reading, watching a movie, all of them are easy. Choosing to get up, to write, is difficult; it is a step into the unknown. It is also an exercise in perseverance. Writing requires more than sitting down and typing away. It requires focusing on an alternate world until it becomes as real as the surrounding world. It means letting go of all the self-doubt and all the modern distractions, and finding that ever-shifting entrance into the fantastical world of the story. That transition takes a whole heart full of devotion and a faith full of words. There are days where I’m just not sufficient to the task; when I choose to sleep the extra hours or read a book in the evening. But at the end of those days I feel somehow diminished, dissatisfied.
I write because it is when I am living my life rather than being lived by it. This is true whether or not I am published. Making the hard choice–to write–is my daily triumph, worthy of celebration for itself.
Oh, I definitely hear all the noise that comes across the internet about how writing without finding representation, publishing, selling movie rights, making a fortune, is a waste of time or a sign of inability. They are right and they are wrong. When the dream of writing is about making a living, then publishing is an essential step. But when the dream of writing is about finding a means of self-expression in a world that leaves so little meaningful room for it, publication is an option, outside of the act. Writing itself can be the reward, and there is room in this world for that kind of writer as well as for writers seeking publication, and for already-published authors.
If I never publish any of my stories, I am still a writer. If I do someday publish any of my stories, I want to hang onto this sense of writing as a vehicle to a life better lived. I have the sense that losing that appreciation for what writing brings to my life would be a great loss.
On a daily basis I am pursuing my dream of being a writer, choosing to get up and write rather than let the words wither away unexpressed. There is no requirement in this dream for me to send those words off for others to read, to judge, to edit, or to critique. Maybe someday, when there is more space and time for me to grow my dreams, I will also dream of being an author. Then on a daily basis I will choose to send those hard-won words out into the world for others to see.
What about you? Are your dreams about writing? Or about publication? Does a writer need an audience?
Image courtesy of VladStudio: https://vladstudio.deviantart.com/art/Choice-34086742
Jeanne Kisacky trained to be an architect before going back to her first love–writing. She studied the history of architecture, has written and published nonfiction, and has taught college courses. She is the author of Rise of the Modern Hospital: An Architectural History of Health and Healing, 1870-1940.
What a piece! Jeanne, it’s almost as if you channeled my thoughts. I struggle every day with trying to find the time to write, and then when I have the time, that little voice in my head tries to talk me out of it. I just can’t get up early in the morning and write, so I try to write at night. Some nights, I am physically and mentally whipped. I just want to read a book or watch something mindless on TV. I have to force myself to sit down and write. It’s especially challenging when I am struggling with the WIP or trying to get through a scene that just isn’t working. As to your question of whether someone can be considered a writer without being published, heck yes! Anyone who sits down and puts words on the page on a regular basis is a writer. Those of us who work full-time and have families must really sacrifice precious time to write, but it’s worth it. Thanks for a terrific post.
CG Thanks for the kind words. I think the transition from not writing to writing never gets easier. Every day it’s the same internal battle. I wish I could find the magic button to turn off that voice for all of us!
I want to hug you. And without the police getting involved this time.
This is the life of a writer. I’m willing to bet everyone on this site, unpublished or multi-published, is nodding their heads as they read this post. Many of us have had spouses and children in need of our attention, leaving us with ten whole minutes to write each day. Mine are almost out of the house now (it’s day to day at this point), and I’ve finally got those two uninterrupted hours in the evening to write. Well, until my wife wants to tell me about her latest score on her facebook buy & sell page. Take all the time you want on your book. I took five years on the first one, one on the second, and wrote the next three over another five year period. Then something snapped and I’m on a pace to finish four this year. And they don’t entirely suck. My point is, you’ll slog along for a while, but you’re learning. Then something changes and you find your pace, which will change as your life changes. Keep it up. Someday we’ll all share a laugh (or a tear) at how hard it was at first. And share another tear at how hard is still is. But we love the journey. It’s a pleasure to have so many of you along for the ride.
Ron, oh yes, the spouse and the children make life whole, but they also make writing so hard. Congrats on finding your groove. I know I will find mine someday. I keep hearing that I’ll get more time back for myself as my child matures. Though I’ll believe it when I live it.
Great thoughts for today, Jeanne. I like your “writing as a vehicle to a life better lived,” because I think that really captures the essence of what we as writers or authors do. I struggle with life’s realities pulling me away from writing and the story’s reality pulling me into writing. One does serve the other most times though. The terms writer or author are just words: we are creators at the core and as long as we keep creating, we are being true to the soul.
I know that there are always distractions pulling a writer (at any stage of their writing/publishing endeavor) away from the writing. But you are right the essence is that “we are creators at the core” and that need keeps pulling us back.
Oh, I can SO relate to this! (And I’m sure many others do, too.) I’m a mom of two young kids and trying to rewrite a novel I finished (a horrible draft of) days before I gave birth to my daughter, now 6. But I left that draft in a drawer (and then a safe!) for 5 years. This past winter I dusted it off and gritted my teeth and started rewriting it. I’m waist deep in at this point and have many moments of doubt, wondering if I’m wasting my time, if I should trash it and stick to short stories. But I try (key word is try) not to compare my extended timeline to others. I really like how you say writing makes you feel like you’re living your life as opposed to it merely being lived. I totally agree and I know my family benefits when I’m writing regularly because it makes me feel more complete and happy.
Keep slogging away! It’s worth it no matter the end result.
-Dana
Dana, I know that opening that drawer and dusting off the manuscript was hard. I hope that you are proud of yourself for getting back to it, and even waist deep at that!
‘I write because it is when I am living my life rather than being lived by it.”
BRAVO JEANNE! This post resonates with me so much (and your day is an exact replica of mine, except the writing at night part. Anything I write after 8 p.m. is utter crap).
If I write, I feel at peace. If I don’t write, I feel “off” for the rest of the day. Honoring the creative is absolutely a life best lived.
Kathleen, yep fellow early risers. I think you’re probably right and that I spend that first hour in the morning looking at what I wrote the previous evening and wondering what the heck I was thinking . . .
Wow – you nailed it, Jeanne. I don’t have kids and my day-job is much more flexible than most, but you got right to the crux of what it takes. And what is really important about persevering.
“If I do someday publish any of my stories, I want to hang onto this sense of writing as a vehicle to a life better lived. I have the sense that losing that appreciation for what writing brings to my life would be a great loss.” Amen, Sister Jeanne! It’s taken me years just to realize the feelings you’ve summarized in just a few sentences.
I’d like to make a slight distinction for epic fantasy, hopefully without sounding like I’m downgrading any other type of storytelling. You rightfully speak of the difficulty in immersing in story. I’m seeing that the effort is a significant percentage of your writing time, and it’s the same for me. When you’ve created not just a story setting, but an entire world—it’s characters, it’s politics, it’s religion, perhaps a system of magic, etcetera—I think can also complicate your daily reentry into story. I find myself questioning not just the issues of my current scene, but elements of the entire structure of the world. Finding your way to simple storytelling can become a fragile thing. I believe it takes all the more confidence and guts to convince yourself every day that this entire world you’ve created will be a place readers will want to visit.
Getting my work to where I want it is about so much more than a sequence of words from “Ch.1” to “The End.” It’s more than polishing the sentences in between, too. It’s about heightened conflicts and deepened emotions. It’s about crafting the intricate and complex into something seemingly smooth and simple. It’s about creating the tension that keeps every page turning, that eliminates skimming by even the most jaded readers. It can feel overwhelming, and that overwhelm increases my Resistance, making each session, each attempt to sit and reenter my story-world all the more difficult. Oh, but once I’m there again, and I let go of the pressure… It’s magic. Yes, it’s when I’m living my life, rather than allowing life to live me. So aptly put.
Thank you for this, Jeanne! I’m looking forward to reading what you’re crafting. I know it’s going to be worth it.
Vaughn, you have a child–just a four-footed puppy version. They are as much work and reward as the two-footed variety. I agree that fantasies have an extensive amount of detail to remember, and that it makes re-entry into the fictional world a little dicy on the murkier mornings. I think writers of all genres have to keep the world consistent. But the magic when you do get into the world, oh it makes the real world bearable.
I came back to reread this wonderful post, Jeanne. This outpouring certainly shows that you struck a chord. That’s got to feel good. Have a great weekend!
P.S. Speaking of murky mornings, “it’s” a shame about my “its” typos, isn’t it?
Vaughn, I swear that it wasn’t until my second year in graduate school that one of my advisers pulled me aside and explained the difference between it’s and its to me. I was mortified. Just thought you’d appreciate that you are not alone.
Thank you so much for this, Jeanne. So very much. Reading this post is like coming to a well of clear spring water after wandering around thirsty and unable to express the thirst.
I’m a stay-at-home mom and last week I reached a point where I was told, thoughtfully, kindly, and with a great deal of insight, that I needed a completely different approach to the book I’ve been working on for four years. I had thought it was *this close* to being ready to shop out.
I had a night, okay, three, of darkness wherein I told my husband, “It’s time to for me to go back to work. This writing dream, geesh, I can’t do it anymore. I’ve gotten nowhere, I’ve been heading in the wrong direction this whole time. I couldn’t see what is right in front of me.”
He helped me, friends helped, and a lot of things happened that I like to call synchronicity. Since then, I’ve known what is right for me to do (keep writing, for one thing), and that all the work has not been in vain. That I’ve learned a lot, I know the ins and outs of the story, and along the way I’ve made some of the best writer friends who believe in me enough, my talent and hard work enough, to help direct me back on the right path. And this amazing community we’re a part of- so many good things. More than enough to outweigh my wounded pride.
I realized that I can’t quit writing- for all the reasons you mentioned. Not the publishing reasons, but the life reasons, the passion and work ethic reasons. Knowing at the end of the day I have given myself a gift because I have done this thing that I love and value.
I started re-reading Bird by Bird again, and it’s a joy to be reminded. Still, I’ve been wandering around in a kind of twilight, unable to see all those who have the same thirst to write, the same heart.
And here you are, and all those who’ve joined in the conversation. All along, this community has been here.
Thank you. *Hugs*
Tonia. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, but am sorry to hear you’re going through one of THOSE moments, where you look back at what you’ve written and wonder where it all went wrong. I’m glad you had your support group around you (That’s what WU is for me), and that you found your way back to Anne Lamott. That book is like a therapy-session for writers.
I just love what you have written. Keep writing no matter what as your writing has a quality of depth, authenticity and really touched me.
I don’t get up to write. I often write on my ultrabook in bed! So write whenever, wherever! I have also been published in non fiction and am now writing fiction. This fiction book took a 10 year break! got going again and now is off focus again. As I am self employed, I have more flexible time, but writing happens when it happens, though I am always writing blogs, guest columns, in the newspaper etc.
I guess I really want to say we are all different and I agree that it’s the writing that is important. If it gets published or we self publish is another story!
Sherry, Thank you for the kind words. I envy you that you can write in bed. I would fall asleep. And the computer would catch fire and burn the house down. I’ve even been known to fall asleep while giving blood (and you should have seen the commotion that caused). Without coffee and upright position, writing doesn’t happen for me!
I LOVE this post. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
Completely relate. I, too, write part time and work as a school library coordinator part time. Writing is a slow but steady process for me. Every day I remind myself of patience, that all will fall into place some day. I love my two part time jobs and to me, that’s spells SUCCESS.
Christina,
It definitely helps when you like your job, but it still takes time and energy. Congrats to you for recognizing your success.
Yep. Right smack in the middle of it, too. Doubts haunt my efforts as well. It’s helping this week to think of just writing a story to please one person other than myself, not the whole world (or whatever else I tend to think I’m doing.)
BTW: You ARE a writer. (re:the word “aspiring”)
Keep going. Just. Keep. Going.
Elizabeth, I like the idea of writing to just one other person. I guess the question would then be who? Do you pick a specific person you know? Or imagine an anonymous reader?
Hi Jeanne
Boy did you ever nail it. May I be so bold as to add another thought to your excellent blog.
Writing fiction is much different than writing nonfiction. I know you mentioned it, but a mention might not be enough to come to a full realization. I was a journalist for 45 years before I retired and wrote my fist novel, a 125,000 epic about the occult. I sent it off to a friend, who wrote back — you have seven POV changes in the first five pages. My question: What the heck is POV (I did have a vague notion) and what differences does it make? Thus began my decade long journey in learning the difference in fiction and nonfiction. I was amazed when I asked, no one could give me a clear definition. I know understand. My dear friend, Alice Jackson — another journalist — said we must go through ten years of writing before we arrive on the other side with the equivalent of a master’s degree in the school of hard knocks. Now I lecture — one of the most fun was on romance writing in front of a group of Christian women who write romance. What fun we had that day, but I could not have done that when I first started.
I know I’m rambling because I haven’t had the chance to codify my thoughts. Since the decade began I’ve been through six writing clinics including a couple by Don Maass and I’ve attended a couple of Writers Retreat Workshops. When I started, I too got up at 4 a.m. to write several hours before going in to the newspaper. I wish you continued success. You did strike a chord with me and I apologize for carrying on. You are my real-life heroine.
Bob
Bob you made me blush. And I’m at the office (stealing time). I agree writing non-fiction is NOTHING like writing fiction, your story about five POV shifts made me smile. I had the same experience when one of my first readers said “I don’t like feeling like I should read with a dictionary next to me.” Thanks for the encouragement, and I am so not going to track how many years left until I get my degree from the School of HK.
Jeanne–
“If I never publish any of my stories, I am still a writer.”
Amen.
From a writer who has spend years on one piece to another writer who has spent years on one piece, I want to thank you for your article today. It resonates with me.
One thing I have discovered about writing a book is it has layers. Infinitely many. There is no limit to how deep you can delve. Revision might seem futile or might drive you crazy, especially if you look at your chapters as “essentially perfect”. But if you approach it the other way, then revision can be an exciting opportunity to push yourself further to the edge. Do that for years, add up all those faithful moments stolen away amidst your busy life, and you have something rich an organic growing. Add up all the wisdom you gain from studying the work of others, from workshops, conferences, discussions with experts and peers, all the conversations that spark creativity and find translation for your story. Sometimes you might change one sentence, just a bit and it might not feel like much, but in terms of your story you might have just moved a mountain.
This is by no means an excuse to spend forever on a book, but it is license to spend longer. You and I (and many others) are unpublished and might feel like we are wasting time, but I can think of a few writers offhand who spent nearly a decade on their debut. I only think a writer ought to be concerned if it is taking years to finish a book when they are a paid, full-time author, but not us. Our goal is to push and push and push and push and push until we have something amazing. Publication will come but not because we push for it – rather, because we pushed to make our work better.
So keep pushing, and know there’s many of us out there doing the same. Thanks for these great words on a Wednesday morning.
My goodness, Jeanne (and fellow WUers) – I haven’t had enough coffee yet. It is Thursday, isn’t it? Darn, I thought I had an extra day to get caught up.
John-Thank you for the encouraging words. I sometimes think being aware of all the layers involved in writing well is what makes it so hard to enter into the world of fiction every day. It’s always like starting over. And I should admit that I know that it’s not about winning the race, it’s about entering it at all and then finishing.
Thank you thank you thank you. My life has been so twisty-turny the last 3 years, and I am trying to work full time as well as freelance graphic design to make ends meet, plus I’m a single mom—time is at a premium! There are days—sometimes weeks!–where writing of any kind has not been possible.
Nowadays, I am making a stupendous effort to make schedule and routine changes to make time for all sorts of writing, including my poor neglected blog. No offense to full time writers (the grass is always greener and all that), but it takes all kinds and we are writers too.
(And I remember that WU convo and I felt that way too!)
So, many thanks and much love and take that dark moment, wait for it to pass, know it will pass, and get back to the desk! ;)
Lara–oh I feel you’re pain. Speaking as someone who thrives on a regular schedule but who lives with two other persons who thrive on chaos and irregularity, I know I’m always the one who is feeling stretched thin. Bravo for doing what you can to make time for writing.
And I would just like to add: I feel like the intervening years of living, writing my blog and reading reading reading (whether just good writing or books ON writing), have only enriched and bettered my own writing. I feel like my novel has morphed and grown as much as I have and the story I started with is not the epic I am working on now. So I feel like it has benefited me to wait and work in the way I have. Sometimes, things work out just the way they are supposed to, you know?
Absolutely wonderful post (just shared on twitter) that sums up most writer’s lives. I just told my husband last night I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. Too much to do (and write) and not enough hours.
Yes, we could give up our dream. But why should we? We are not alone, and our dreams are worth pursuing! :)
Jill. There is never enough time for everything, particularly writing. How true that is. I think I’ve had the same ‘overwhelmed’ conversation with my husband every week for the last ten years . . .
Thanks Jeanne, great article.
First of all I need to get it off my chest that people who claim things like “spending years on a work without publication is a waste of time” are not worth listening to. They should mind their own business.
I dream of being published too, and of making at least part of my living as a writer, but like you, writing is what I really want to do, whether it helps me earn money or not. “But when the dream of writing is about finding a means of self-expression in a world that leaves so little meaningful room for it, publication is an option, outside of the act.” I couldn’t have put it better.
When I was a teenager, it was my dream to become a doctor and work for an organization like Doctors Without Borders. I was desperate to make a difference. I studied hard, I got very good grades in physics, maths, chemistry and biology, but unfortunately in those days (we’re talking about the late 90s), there were way too many people who wanted a place at a medical school in the Netherlands (where I’m from), so I had to take part in a lottery.
Yes, a lottery. I think there were 6 to 8 thousand applications for about 1500 places. Good grades slightly raised your chances, but unfortunately, I was unlucky two years in a row. To say I was frustrated is putting it lightly.
I gave up. I decided that if they didn’t want me, I wasn’t going to waste my time. Their loss. And I’m the same with my writing. I write because I love doing it and because I enjoy expressing myself with stories. I also write because maybe one day I can make a difference. If nobody wants to publish it because they don’t think they can’t make any money with it, then it’s their loss. I’ll just keep writing alongside my full time day job, and feel proud when I read about full time writers writing about 2,000 words a day, because I can write that in an evening. (I don’t have children, though. That’s by choice, because I couldn’t write with a fulltime job and a young family) When I hear full time authors complain about not making enough money to sustain themselves, I shrug and think that maybe they need to get themselves a part time job. People who can make a full time living doing something they love and would do even if they wouldn’t get paid for it are in a very lucky position. I live in Spain now, and with the current high unemployment rate, there are many people who would be satisfied with any job, as long as that means they can finally feed their families properly. When I look at it that way, I realize that I’m in a very lucky position too.
Andrea–I admire your ability to tune out the naysayers. And you’re right, having a job is definitely something to be thankful for, particularly in this day and age.
Thank you. You’re words give me hope that even though my time doesn’t always end up with writing happening in a day, I am still very much a writer. Everyone does this thing differently. Some can race through and write book after book after book in a single year. And some take 5 years to get one done. Neither way is better or worse than the other, so who are we to judge someone else’s method? If you love words and putting them to page to get the thoughts in your head out, then you are a writer. Having others read your words is a bonus.
Love what you do, however you do it, and it will be wonderful.
Tristi–I’ve found that sometimes the days that I just can’t bring myself to write provide the awareness that I do need to do it. When I miss a day, I miss the writing, and then I feel ready and wanting to get up and write the next morning.
WIP – 17 years? If anyone can beat that, please tell me! Kids gone. Husband just retired (Um, this doesn’t really help matters. :o) I’ve read how other people figure the first novel is a throwaway, but I knew this was the one. I’ve reconfigured it more than once to get it where it is today, and I can just about taste the sweet reward of finishing. Don’t ever give up on something you believe in.
Carmel. I don’t think we should have a contest for longest time spent on same project. I used to joke that other writers had a novel or two that they learned on hidden away in their files, while I learned the same lessons, just on rewriting the same book. Congrats for nearing the finish line!
Keep writing. There is no time limit for the time it takes for a novel to grow and mature into something publishable. The learning curve for mastering storytelling is long, and, I think, infinite–we never reach the end. I, too, have gone the full-day-job-write-at-5-a.m. route, and never regretted it. Wrote 4 novels that way, too.
Ray, Thanks for the encouraging words!
I copied and pasted your ‘I write because it is when I am living…’ line to print out and tack to my cork board. Thank you for a super great post!
Leanda–thanks!
For the first time in two years I found a new audience – me. As a freelance writer I always write for a targeted audience. But last week, between assignments, I decided to write a little fiction piece, based on truth. I wrote it because I needed to work through “some stuff.” But in the end something else happened. I fell in love with writing all over again.
I really connected with your post. Thank you!
You’re a writer! And always will be.
Heather–I think fiction writing actually ‘saved’ my non-fiction. It made me think about writing as fun and something to love, rather than ‘work.’ It sounds like you made the same discovery.
Jeanne, I loved what you had to say, as it’s echoed my experience, and obviously many more feel the same way, as evidenced by all the comments on your post. I’m about to self-publish my first novel. First, though it’s not the first one I’ve written. I’m now a grandmother of teenagers, and this one has taken, I’ve lost count, 6-10 years with revisions and more revisions and a lot of research along the way. I didn’t pick any easy story to tell.
Along the way, I’ve had many rejections. I spent a few years trying to get an agent. Came close, but gave up, as I’m not getting any younger and perhaps there is ageism in the business. Can’t blame them, especially in these turbulent times of publishing. I did have agents before, in both Toronto and Vancouver for my screenplays, which is what I was writing at the time, but nothing came of those. Some interest from Hollywood, but that disappeared as quickly as dew on the grass. I’ve had other writing ventures as well, that felt like I was getting somewhere, but again life and family called and I got distracted once again. Now back on track, and feel I’m flourishing.
Anyway, keep at it. You are no doubt a writer.
Diana – Glad to hear you have found your way to finishing and getting the work out there!
Thank you, Jeanne…I really, really needed this today. I have been fortunate enough to have a period of full-time writing for a while, thanks to a very supportive husband. And I wrestled with guilt and feeling the pressure to produce something in that time–not to mention my own perfectionism–but I also loved having the opportunity to pursue my dream so thoroughly.
This summer, though, life really seems to be trying to live me with a vengeance: unexpected medical costs for my husband and a sudden change in my mother-in-law’s care needs (she is far away and in the hospital, where she had been living independently) have led me to the inescapable conclusion that I need to get a day job again. (Oh grass-is-greener folks, I have spent years in jobs and grad school–I do know both sides of this particular pasture.) So part of me wants to step up and do the right thing, tighten my belt of writerly discipline, and part of me is grieving today, afraid I will lose the delicate balance of attention that my writing and I need.
Thank you for the reminder that the act of writing and creating has its own value, for the self, even when life seems to be upstaging it. You have articulated so well why so many of us cannot and will not stop writing. While I still hope and plan to publish some day, I can be a success every day that I show up to the page.
Ironically–or appropriately?–I had a good writing session this morning on the Very Rough Draft. So I will be thankful for that and plan to sit down again tomorrow morning. I am reminded, too, of a wise thing Therese Walsh said a few months back: “Love the rock you are pushing!”
Alisha, Therese Walsh is definitely someone with words of wisdom. I had a similar struggle with needing to get a dayjob after years of my husband letting me have a trial at ‘full time’ writing. The problem was my full time writing kept turning into the family saying–oh, you don’t have a job, you can help us with X. So now that I have a paying job, while the schedule is a lot more strict, I have a much higher value on my own time and say no a lot more to things that would have taken my time without returning value. Plus a paycheck is a good thing when your life decides to live you.
Thanks…I appreciate the perspective, and in truth I am hoping the same will prove true for me (the benefits of a paycheck and the structure of a schedule). This just caught me at that moment when my inner emotional elephant wanted to stomp a bit, and it’s so good to know I can express that here to folks who understand the dilemma! :-)
Wow! I’m in awe of your diligence and persistence! This quote says it all: “I write because it is when I am living my life rather than being lived by it.”
Bonita, my husband actually calls it my stubborn streak . . . But thank you for the kind words.
Are we living the same life, Jeanne? If I’m to get ANY writing done, it’s from 5-7 am. I had a literary agent representing my FOURTH novel, but she left the biz this past fall before we submitted it for publication. I’ve been suffering my Loser Writer Syndrome ever since, but you’re right. Writing and publication aren’t the same thing. I’m still a success. Thank you!
Anyone who finds the strength to get themselves to write is not a loser writer. Just an unlucky one to be living in ‘interesting times’ in publishing.
That’s a great way to reframe the situation, Jeanne. Thanks for reaching out to me. Plus, the great post. Best of luck with your writing.
What a beautiful post. Love the articulation of the difference between the two worlds — the ‘real’ world and the world the writer creates.
“That transition takes a whole heart full of devotion and a faith full of words.” Stepping back and forth between the two worlds is both the writer’s burden and triumph.
Reminds one of the Chinese philosopher who dreamt he was a butterfly. He woke up puzzled. Was he in reality a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a man?
Such a magnificent word picture in your five simple words: “a faith full of words.” Faith not just as in an unwavering belief, but that which arms a writer with the tools of the trade. An army has faith in its weapons, a navigator in his maps, and a writer in her words.
A writer’s credo forevermore: “I have faith in my words.”
Anjali — I love the philosopher dreaming he was a butterfly image. But in our house, I would rather dream I was a cat; or at least a cat in our house. One of the hardest things about getting myself out of bed at 5am, is that as soon as I get up, the cat takes over my spot and looks happier than a pig in a poke.
I wonder how many of us were temporarily sideswiped by that same comment. At least three of us by my count. Maybe more. What a waste, huh?
On the other hand, learning to cast off such criticism is good practice for the day when/if the writing does turn into publishing. Then the comments can be personalized and specific, have the potential to puncture.
My antidote to people who’d tell me I’m too slow–or to the sabotaging voice in my head which colludes, and is the *real* problem, when I’m honest–is to see how the prolific are treated. If a book was written in three months, certain readers make the automatic assumption is that it’s inferior. Since there’s no universally sanctified pace, maybe we can focus on doing our best within our personal circumstances and trusting others are doing the same.
Oh Jan, — “the sabotaging voice in my head which colludes”–that is it in a nutshell. No one’s comment would bother me if I didn’t somehow let it in. I also doubt the commenter meant it as negatively as we took it. It might have been simple astonishment? Anyway, misery loves company, and I am better for being in such good company.
No writing is ever wasted if you’re a writer. It took me close to 12 years for my first book to be published ~ it releases this September. What if I had quit last year?
To spend years on one manuscript can be frustrating, so maybe you write a different one then come back to the other. But if it’s your dream, keep chasing it! Always keep chasing it. Only those who give up lose.
Congratulations on seeing your book into print. You are living proof that you should never give up.
I am a happier, healthier person because I spend a good part of my time with people who only exist because I made them up.
Keep going, Jeanne. You are indeed a writer.
Leslie–I totally agree. My husband used to worry about me spending all my day ‘alone’ in my office. Har Har. But I cannot tell you how shocked I was the first time I sat down to write on fiction and the characters did NOT want to do what I expected them to do.
Reminds me of the old adage, “I hate writing; I love having written.”
Jeanne,
Beautifully written expression of all my anxieties! It is definitely true that you are a writer whether published or not. My journey to writing a barely novel-length book actually took me about 30 years to get the courage to do it, but the writing has always been there. I couldn’t escape it, despite my complicated attempts to weave writing into my careers without actually calling myself a writer. Finally, I realized that I must pursue writing with all of me. Unfortunately, now I have a full-time job and even though my son is now grown, I still find I have very little energy or time in my day to devote to writing. Yet, somehow, we make it possible because it is who we are. I am excited about publication next year, but mostly because I really want to know that I have touched at least one reader. I am also committed to getting the next book done.
Jeanne, you are definitely a writer and I still wish for publication for you so I can read your work! Thank you for an excellent essay.
Laura–maybe we should all just consider that each book is born with us and matures at a different rate in our minds. So thirty years in the growing just means you’ve been thinking about it longer. So glad that now it gets to go out into the world. Thanks for the affirmations!
I don’t have dreams of being a WRITER. I AM a WRITER, because I write.
My grammar needs work.
My spelling needs work (Cliff’s Notes!!!!!!!!)
My typing needs work.
My vocabulary needs works.
My craft needs works.
My editing speed is 2 times a turtle with no legs. I’m not going to debate Indie vs. Traditional. I’m not going to look for the easy way out. I will….
Write
Learn
Write
Read
Write
Listen
LEARN
DO
It might take me several months or several years to finish a manuscript. Thirteen years from now when I’m still hot and sexy, I will take my finished manuscript, find that person who believes writing a story for several years is a waste, and force feed them a free copy of my published manuscript. (Om num num num!)
Do I want to take 13, 15, 20 years to finish my manuscript? NO! BUT- whatever it takes.
If I become a full time author at the age of 65 (still warm and sexy). I’M STILL SUCCESS FULL AND I WILL STILL FIND THAT PERSON AND MAKE THEM EAT MY SPECIAL EDITION, LEATHER BOND, LARGE PRINT BOOK. DAMMIT!
“Let me make this real simple. You will not break me. The hole will not break me. I will not break. I will not be broken.”
―The Way of Shadows
Brian– You are so right–it really is that simple that writers write (and edit, and learn, and read, and grow).
And what’s funny, I was never really mad at the commenter (nor do I think the comment was intended intentionally to put anyone down). I think Jan hit it on the head that the comment fed into my own insecurities. So this post was not really about the commenter (and what they were going to eat), but about my relationship to myself. I had to learn to ‘love the rock I was pushing,’ in the words of mama Therese. Now there are other people (on similar topics) who would gladly make eat my books, but that would be a whole ‘nother post.
I have spent the last twenty years working on one project that I don’t want published, at least not until the hundredth anniversary of my birth. I don’t consider it a waste of time, I consider it my greatest work of art.
It’s not that I don’t ever want to be publish, but the act of writing sometimes should just be for yourself, for the art.
And you shouldn’t disparage your non-fiction publications. Writing is writing (okay, mostly… I have questions about ‘erotica’).
Your post did hit a nerve though. I am currently unemployed (just finished a degree that will never get me work) and I force myself to job hunt first thing every morning. When I think about what it would be like to get one of those jobs that I apply for my heart breaks a little. I wonder why I can’t just stay home and write all day.
My child though, she’s great for writing. I have an idea and I pester her with it to see if it is any good.
Best of luck.
I feel ya.
I, too, was bemused by the “how long have you been working on the WIP?” question. There’s too many variables.
I have one WIP that took me three months. I have one WIP that took me 25 years.
Between the fam & Daye Jobbe, I don’t get as much writing time as I want. So yeah. WIPs take time. But is it a question about how many hours they take, or how those hours are spread across the years?
A possible question could be, “how long was your apprenticeship?” Mine was about fifteen years. My journeymanhood is, oh, give-or-take ten years and counting.
I’m sure my apprenticeship and journeymanhood would not have taken so long if my attitude had been different. Pretty much all of my apprenticeship, I treated writing as a hobby. It’s only in the last five years I called it a “job” and labelled myself a “pro” and given it the respect it deserves if I am to truly succeed as an author.
I treat my writing like a real job. I schedule it, I have deadlines, I’ll turn down social invitations, I’ll consciously work on my craft (ie putting myself through an MFA through the School of Hard Knocks), and I give it the dedication I give my day job.
My three-month WIP? I took long service leave from the Daye Jobbe and spent a November as a full-time writer. (I LOVED IT!!) That got a whole draft done. The other two months were a part-time job editing.
The quarter-century project? That was me learning how to be a writer. It also involved setting aside the WIP for a time, years, if necessary, then come back with better skills and brighter eyes. The latest draft is lightyears above the original draft in skill and execution.
Life interferes. We’ve got other things we need to do. Until I can transition from a part-time to a full-time novelist, novels are gonna take a bit longer than I want.
Now, ask me about the other novels, the ones that have taken longer than three months and shorter than 25y. Of those, in various stages of finishedness, I’ve got about twenty. I’ve written more than one million words.
Some day, some agent is gonna love me.
For me, if the answer to the question “Do you write?” is “Yes,” then you’re a writer. Even if it’s only five words a day. Doesn’t matter to me where in the apprenticeship spectrum one lies.
I’ve been writing for over 20 years. In the past couple of years I’ve sold seven pieces. I’m hitting a great stride on my novel-in-progress, but I’d be ashamed to admit how long I’ve been working on it. Other novels are waiting in the wings.
One thing I know that I wish I knew before is that I have to get over my despair and shame about how long my longer works have taken me to finish. The more despair and shame (and whatever else I’m beating myself up with) I feel, the more it doesn’t get done.
My goal is totally to publish. I’m writing to communicate the stuff in my head to other people, after all. I also like money. Who doesn’t like money? I have rosy pink dreams of landing fabulous four-figure advances and paying off my debts and adding a third digit to the balance of my total life savings.
But I too get very annoyed by the people who say spending years on a book is a waste of time. It’s not just the odd commenter; whole bodies of people congregate in certain corners of cyberspace to chant, “Write as much crap as you can and get it out, get it out, get it out!” Don’t you know revision is for saps with no talent? Don’t you know the only way to get your name out there is to put it on oodles of slapdash short stories?
“Oh, you can waste years and years on one novel if you want,” they sneer, “but don’t expect to make any money that way!”
Well, I call BS. Full-time authors who aren’t named Nora Roberts or James Patterson are lucky to break over the poverty line. (That $30k advance paid out over three years doesn’t stretch very far.) So you devote a few years to one book that may or may not be published, and you miss out on a couple thousand dollars. Whoop-de-doo. You still spent your free time better than the millions of people zoning out to Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
The people who try to make you feel bad about the way you write are insecure. Many of them need to tell themselves and other people that publishing quickly is the only way to survive, because it’s the only excuse they have for writing crap. Others may be taking out their frustrations over their own failures on randoms strangers on the Internet. Whatever their motivations, they’re not worth worrying about.
hear hear, Tamara is frickin hero.
I am SO late to the party, but I loved this piece. My first book took somewhere between eight and ten years to write. That book hasn’t sold yet, but it got me an agent and several very close passes.
People who think it’s a waste to time to spend many years on a book are either crazy or scared.
And The Goldfinch apparently took ten years to write. She got a Pulitzer for that decade of toil.
Write on, sistah!
xo,
s