Unfortunately, You Died
By John Vorhaus | October 24, 2013 |
Note: The following is an excerpt from my new book, COMEDY WRITING 4 LIFE, which you can have a free e-copy of, just by sending your fruits of the following exercise to john.vorhaus@gmail.com.
Here’s the situation: Unfortunately, you died. Which makes your tombstone your last shot at cracking a good joke. What could you put there that would make your mourners snicker? I’m not afraid of outcomes; I’ll go first.
Now I’m really bored.
I wonder if this thing’s loaded.
As if life insurance worked.
Who turned out the lights?
Slacker.
Different jokes work with different groups. My friends in the ultimate frisbee community, for example, will wet their pants over “Slacker,” for they know how much I love that word, and how I cherish Slacker Wednesday, the mid-day, mid-week ultimate frisbee game I founded in Los Angeles and branded thus: “Slacker Wednesday: It works because you don’t!” Others will roll their eyes and wonder. They won’t have enough information to solve the puzzle of the joke.
Don’t expect any joke to work for every audience, ever. Your audience exists on a bell curve. Some people won’t laugh because they lack key information. Others won’t laugh because they have too much information – maybe they’ve heard the joke before. Your target is always the BFM, or Big Fat Middle.
Did you know that you can tune a joke? You can, just by adding or subtracting information. This is how you turn a joke that doesn’t work into one that does. And this is why it’s so great to write jokes that don’t work: They form a bridge to jokes that kill. In The Comic Toolbox, I called these things jokoids, a term that has stood the test of time but is still not recognized by my spellcheck as a real word.
Okay, kids, go play tombstone. I’ll wait here.
How did you go about solving this problem? Did you think about your attributes, things that your friends make fun of about you? That would be fertile ground for tombstone jokes. Did you just cast your mind about at random? Did you visualize? The reason I’m asking these questions is to help you look at your process.
As you grow your game you want to keep a good eye on your process. Ask yourself over and over again, How did I do that? How did I solve that problem? What tools did I use? That’s the heart of good creative practice. It works for jokes; it works for everything. So when you’re writing jokes, or writing everything, you should always be thinking about two things: your creative solutions; and how you arrived at them.
To write a successful joke is to solve a certain problem: How can I convey information in such a way as to make people laugh?
Sounds pretty dry when you put it that way. But that’s the stated problem, and it turns out that the better you get at stating your problem, the better you get at solving it.
The problem-solving goal here would seem to be self-evident: You want people to laugh at your tombstone. But there’s more to it than that, because what do you want them to laugh at? The frailty of human existence? The dumbass way you died? Some aspect of your personality that they know and understand? Some aspect of them that you’d like to make fun of? Those are four different targets you can hit, and you will hit all of them more easily when you see them more clearly.
So just be clear in your thinking. Know what problem you’re trying to solve, and then apply different strategies for solving it.
For instance, suppose I wanted to make a tombstone joke about my lifelong obsession with poker. That’s the target, now here comes a strategy: Use a comic filter. I’m going to call poker my comic filter for this joke and then I’m just going to look at my tombstone through it. What do I see? A discarded poker hand and the words, “I fold.”
Try that strategy. Pick a comic filter, something about you that is prominent and strong, and look at your tombstone through it.
Your head will explode. Once you start looking at the world through comic filters, your head will literally explode. Pieces of it will be found for miles around. [pullquote]Your head will explode. Once you start looking at the world through comic filters, your head will literally explode. Pieces of it will be found for miles around.[/pullquote]
Here’s a strong comic filter: taboo. It’s strong because (this is me quoting me now), “Comedy begins where tolerance ends.” Find the place where people start to get edgy, and you’ll find the funny. Why? Because they’re all storing tension. They’re nervous about you being taboo. Where are you going with this? How far will you go? What if you go too far? They’re holding their breath. Your goal – here we go goal-setting again – is to release all that stored tension explosively, in the form of a laugh.
See how great this is? Instead of just randomly casting around for the funny (and all the time worrying we can’t find it), we can just ask the question, “What would be taboo right here?”
Well, right here on a tombstone, taboo would be just telling the truth: “You’re going to die, too.” Ah-ha, yes, taboo, but not yet funny. Right now it’s a jokoid (damn you spellcheck!) but if we make it less obvious, more oblique, we can tune this joke until it works.
I can’t think of a joke just yet, but I will. Let’s see… inevitability of death… death and taxes… let’s try a tax Form-1040 marked deceased, with the words, “I filed.” That joke could land. If it doesn’t, I’ll find one that does. One thing I know for sure, I’m not going to run out of places to look. And that’s where practice and strategy intersect. Practice gives you plenty of funny to choose from, strategy gives you tools for getting all you ever need.
When a joke doesn’t work because of too much information, we say it’s “on the nose.” Unless we’re Russian, then we say, “shliskom vlob,” which means “too much forehead.” In Spanish they say “demasiado obvio” – “too obvious” – which seems a little on the nose to me.
So then what you do is move it off the nose. If “You will die, too” is too obvious, hit them with, “Didn’t I see you at Starbucks?” That’s something to chew on; that’s a little puzzle to solve. When the punchline lands, they might or might not be thinking, I get it now! He was living, now he’s dead, and that’s going to happen to me, but that’s what they’re laughing at. The truth and pain of death, packed in a neat little packet by you and laid out like a laugh landmine.
So what do you think, campers? Is this a strategy that can work for you? Would you rather rely on an intuitive approach – it’s just funny ‘cause it’s just funny – instead? Wouldn’t it be great if you could have both?
Guess what? I kinda think you can.
John Vorhaus has written seven novels, including Lucy in the Sky, The California Roll, The Albuquerque Turkey and The Texas Twist, plus the Killer Poker series and (with Annie Duke) Decide to Play Great Poker. His books on writing include The Comic Toolbox, How to Write Good and Creativity Rules!
“I Could Eat.”
this is pretty much the response i have anytime anyone asks, and it seems to infuriate and amuse people in equal measure, especially my wife. given the vogue of zombies in popular culture this takes on a new meaning on a headstone.
No heating bills to pay now
(That’s highly topical in the UK, don’t know about other countries)
“I’m not dead, I’m writing.”
“Is it me or is it hot down here?”
“Look both ways before crossing.”
“Try the wine.”
“Party on.”
(as a deep introvert with bitchy resting face syndrome, too:)
“I told you I wanted to be alone!”
Great article, John.
Cautionary Tale for Distracted Writers…
My tombstone: “Luckily, you won’t have to hear my opinion on this.”
It’s an interesting topic, writing funny. I’m trying it out now in a writing class, and I recently read a piece which had a line in it that made me laugh when I wrote it. The men sat stone-faced and the women guffawed.
Hahaha
“Night night”
“Who the hell are YOU?”
“One down”
“Your turn”
“What light?”
This was fun. :)
Denise Willson
Author of A Keeper’s Truth
Dear Denise,
I totally loved the “Your turn” on the tombstone.
Jean
“Who do you have to kill to get room service here?”
“Damn laundry”
“It was all the grading”
“Where’s my yarn?”
“I’m saving your spot”
“See”
“She was early, for once.”
“Please don’t pee on this spot.”
“My new hobby is vermiculture”
“What’s that smell?”
“No more dishes. Living the good life now.”
“Don’t press that button.”
Thanks for the post! I had a good time.
Hit rock bottom. Sigh. No where to go but up.
“Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.” ~ Dorothy Parker
“At last, she finished something.”
Fun exercise, thanks!
John,
What an excellent topic—how to put the funny in funny. For me, it seems to naturally come from the many ways you listed. I think to myself, “Okay, that’s a jokoid, what will take it over the edge?” But not too far (sometimes). Of course I’ve never used “jokoid,” but will henceforth. Henceforth. How snotty of me.
Some stabs at an epitaph:
“Damn. I guess I’m not God.”
“I told you that snake was poisonous.”
“Heaven’s a lot hotter than I thought it would be.”
“Seems like I would be caught dead in this outfit.”
“Funny, guys…you can let me out now.”
Fun, John.
“No sunblock required.”
“Extreme makeover in progress.”
“If only they could see me now.”
(I’ve got to back to work.)
It’s the low-speed falls off a bicycle that are real killers.
(I have a propensity for them. Luckily, none have killed me yet.)
No more deadlines
no more dead lines
John, get thee to my favorite cemetery (yes, I have favorites) in Key West, and see some of these:
“I’m feeling much better now”
“Why complain?”
“So long and thanks for all the fish”
And my favorite: “I told you I was sick”
For me, considering my bladderishness, it would probably be:
“Yo, where’s the bathroom?”
“Shit happens.”
“What are you looking at.”
“Yeah, keep walkin buddy.”
“I was willing to wait my turn.”
“This is over rated.”
“Help! I can’t breathe in here. REALLY!”
“Om num num”
You guys are killing me! Seriously, I’m dying laughing. Keep it up! And don’t just spend your witticisms here. Send ’em to me in an email and get a free e-copy of Comedy Writing 4 Life. -jv
I’M WATCHING YOU
AND YOU THINK YOUR PLACE STINKS
WELL POO! I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA…
YOU SHOULD SEE YOU FROM MY POINT OF VIEW
I HAVE A SURPRISE WAITING FOR YOU…
I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE
WANNA CHANGE PLACES?
DON’T EVER SAY, “MAY LIGHTENING STRIKE ME TWICE IF…”
DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS ANYMORE
I ALREADY TOLD EVERY BODY
I PEEKED AT THE BOOK
YOU’RE COMING NEXT THURSDAY
Cynthia W Kimbril
“Damit! I still need an editor.”
“I won! I got to Heaven before you!”
or
“TAXES.”
Cute exercise – always nice to get the brain working on something completely different…
“Run out of steam”
(I’m writing a steampunk story)
“You wouldn’t believe how Jesus cheats at Scrabble!”
“Okay, I’m here. Where’s my handbasket?”
Le petit-mort is *nothing* like the real thing.
“You can’t take it with you.
Estate sale Saturday 9 – 4. No earlies.”
Also, I saw a grave with a martini glass and it said “Life’s a party and I’m not ready to leave.” It had no death date. I need to go back and see if the party ended.
“Thats the last time I listen to you.”
or
“I told you to do it MY way,”
“Does my hair look okay?”
“I’m laughing… inside.”
“What? No Wi-Fi?”
“Wish you were here.”
Howdy from Alaska …
“Aw, such cute little bear cubs.”
“Hey, look at my new dashboard laptop tray, Facebook in traffic, yes!”
“What bear?”
“huh … guess it was the blue wire.”
“Of course the brakes are good, I fixed them myself!”
“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“Hide & Seek! I Win!!”
“Wait…42 is not the answer?”
“Ran with scissors.”
“Okay then, skydiving it is!”
“Not so Grateful.”
“His wife’s name was not Sheila.”
“Harley Bikes all in a Row, looking like Big Dominoes …. oh wow, those hairy guys run fast.”
“She danced to the music of a different orchestra – but first she had to hear the music.”
[…] Vorhus shares a passage from his new book, COMEDY WRITING 4 LIFE, entitled Unfortunately, You Died. Make sure you read the comments, […]
“Now I’ll NEVER finish my to-do list … (sigh)”
“HELP!! I’m being kept prisoner by a stone-mason”
Dead. Seriously?!
“The Mad Fishmonger Did It”.
Very few people will get it, but those who do will really appreciate it. In life I have always had an exclusive audience, why should I broaden my appeal when dead?
“I thought they were Truffles!”
“Hi Mom!”
“Is it hot in here, or is it just ME?”
“Out searching for brains.”
“In desperate need of a good moisturizer.”
“It’s like Christmas all year round, you know, with the piles of snow that is my dry skin. If only I had enough space to build a snowman…”
“STOP LEAVING FLOWERS AND GIVE ME SOME CHOCOLATE!”
“Somebody buy the plot next to me, then we can be neighbors and have parties.”
“Oh, you go to confession…kissass.”
“Trust me when I say, JUST EAT THE DAMN OREOS!…you’re welcome.”
“Penny pinchers, don’t think you are so special, all of us down here laugh at your stupidness.”
“Smartest person ever to live…buried herself with her Nintendo and Super Mario Bros.”
*drums fingers* *big sigh* “Ah, hell…”
This was fun :) Love the whole “comic filter” concept!
At last I’m thin!
“Your Mom…”
“Last Word”
“Awkward…”
“I can’t feel my legs!”
“Get off–your smashing me!”
“Where’s my Rolex?!”
“…still claustrophobic…”
“Sup”
“‘Blanket Apology'”
“Sympathy? Pffftt… You’d all die to be here.”
best pictured in the middle of a teary eyed funeral or lone mourner visiting the grave.