How Much Wandering Before I’m No Longer Lost?
By Yuvi Zalkow | September 29, 2013 |
photo by Rick Harrison
We’re thrilled that we’ve managed to successfully twist the arm of an former WU’er, bringing him back for a guest post, because he is a favorite of ours! Please welcome Yuvi Zalkow, who’s here to tell us about a new project–and a few significant revelations. Enjoy!
I’m very excited to be visiting Writer Unboxed again after my departure. Let’s see if I still remember how to write a blog post…
I’ve been in this transitional period for at least a year now. My book came out last year. I stopped doing my I’m a Failed Writer video series about a year ago as well. I’ve left those comfortable places to learn and experiment with new forms, new writing styles, new voices. And new failures.
I am working on a new novel that is more of a stretch for me than I ever imagined. It is forcing me to step out of my own neurotic comfort zone (and into other characters’ neurotic comfort zones). I’m digging into these characters living in rural Georgia in 1938. Not as easy to tap into their minds as it was with my first novel’s character (named Yuvi Zalkow) who was struggling to write a novel. My new audio and video series is still a work in progress and doesn’t yet have the exact form I’m striving for. I’m particularly nervous because now I’m trying to capture other people’s stories as well as my own. For a sneak peek, here is a video (that I’m going to officially publish this week), which captures a few things I loved about my conversation with writer Kristen Forbes. She has some cool things to say about how she writes her emotionally powerful essays and I’m trying to use her words to think about that middle ground between over-outlining and under-outlining a piece of work:
This project still scares me. My biggest fear: nothing I create will have an effect on others. That I’ll never connect with another person through my work. That I’ll never tap into that voice that I maybe momentarily had in the past.
I’ve been given lots of advice during this phase. There are many lovely, loving, supportive friends who have spoken to me on this subject as I walk around looking crumbled and lost. One problem is that this good advice conflicts. For every person who has said that you just have to plow through this mess and get to the other side, there is another person who has said that maybe it’s time to go back to the stuff that you did that was working. And I’m compelled to give similar advice to others. Sometimes I think they should cut their losses and do something that works more naturally. Other times, I think they are doing something amazing and they should push on through it. The real answer is that there may not be any obvious answer right now.
So what’s my point? Surely Therese wouldn’t let me come back to Writer Unboxed to depress the whole lot of you. Nobody wants to read a blurry, angst-ridden blog post before going off to work on their own writing. Right?
Well, maybe there is an upside to this whole spiel. Stick with me on this…
I finally came to an insight that has calmed me from this angst of working on tough, messy stuff that may or may not deliver. But first, a quick sidetrack:
When I was going through one of my first major bouts of depression ten years ago and my therapist was strongly suggesting anti-depressant medication, I was initially reluctant. I didn’t want to put that stuff in my body. I didn’t want to turn into a whole different person. What if it screwed up my (minimal!) sex life? What if it screwed up my (bad!) writing? What if… What if… What if…
I went back and forth with my therapist until she said something pretty simple: You know, if you don’t like it, you can always quit.
It was so simple a statement that I laughed at her. Taking this pill didn’t mean a lifetime commitment to Prozac (which didn’t work so I tried Zoloft, which gave me panic attacks so I tried Paxil, which gave me nightmares about spiders so I quit taking meds). Taking the pill just meant that I was trying the medication for that week. (Caution: I’m not a doctor. Please consult your doctor before abruptly stopping your medication!)
OK. Now let me bring this back around, finally. Sticking with a difficult project today doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it tomorrow. Are you up for working on it today?
What I’ve been doing is giving myself monthly reminders to assess the situation. Every month (actually every 35 days, to keep me a little off guard) I check-in and ask myself: Am I still learning from this? Is this still worth it to me? This is just enough reflection to calm down that panicky, emotional creature inside of me that is terrified of wandering.
And so it turns out, this month, I do want to keep on working on The Creative Turn audio/video project. And I do want to keep digging into my novel about those sometimes lovable Jewish immigrants struggling in rural Georgia in 1938 with the Klan and their past and their future (and my slow writing process) pressing up against them.
How about y’all? What are you scared of? What keeps you doing (or NOT doing) the messy stuff?
Yuvi Zalkow is the author of the novel I Only Cry with Emoticons (Red Hen, 2022) as well as A Brilliant Novel in the Works. His stories and essays have been published in Catapult, Narrative Magazine, Carve Magazine, Rosebud, The Los Angeles Review, and others. Yuvi received an MFA from Antioch University. He uses his poor drawing skills to make YouTube videos and mobile apps that ooze with his worries and anxiety.
Lovely post, Yuvi. Funny how the words, “You can always quit” can simultaneously free and inspire us. Best of luck on your new projects.
Thanks so much, Lori. Hope your writing is going well. And congrats on all the good news about The Life List!
Yuvi, nice to see you back here. What scares me right now? The actual work involved in writing. The fear of not making myself understood. Will I conquer the fear? Of course. Sooner or later, which seems to be more later than sooner this time around.
I definitely know that fear of not making myself understood. AND the fear and reluctance to do the actual work. Wish you the best, Marilyn.
I’m scared on two fronts:
personal – the deterioration of the body and the continual struggle to control my mind and get it working long enough to finish this book
writing – that the book I’m writing, and the critical scene I’m having so much trouble getting just right, won’t be worth it, after all the years of limited energy I’ve poured into it.
Nothing much – just my whole life.
And that people will look at me and say, “If it bothers you that much, just walk away.”
Aargh.
Alicia
Wow, Alicia, you cover a lot of big (and understandable fears). For one, I appreciate you talking about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on your blog. I don’t suffer from it, but it just seems like it is a very challenging problem that others are overly apt to write off when it’s actually a serious issue. I’ve had a lot of issues that aren’t easy to categorize or diagnose and I think they can be more frustrating than problems that fit neatly in a category.
I’ve also spent a long time on a few critical scenes in my book and I definitely fear I won’t pull it off. Good luck with your writing. Keep at it.
Hi, Yuvi.
Welcome back. I really enjoyed your video, especially the quote from Sy Safransky. That’s exactly how I feel. I love what Kristen did and just might do the same thing with a book I just finished.
Don’t worry, Yuvi, about following rules or categories. Just write the book, and stop when you come to the end. I’m sure it will be great.
Thanks, Ronda! That video was particularly fun to animate. I think Kristen just has a way to talk about writing that is both poignant and funny. And the Sy Safransky quote is just amazing…
Hi Yuvi,
I get you :) I’m a worrier too, questioning everything. Making a decision–from choosing a wedding dress to POV for a story–is way more complicated than it should be because I weigh every possible consequence. “What if I choose a dress with a train, and I trip on it? What if I choose the red dress because it’s pretty but everyone takes it the wrong way?” Or–“What if I pick first person POV and miss out on my secondary character’s compelling story? What if I pick third person omniscient and alienate readers because it sounds too distant? Why am I even trying to be a writer?”
Lol. I’ve learned to laugh at myself, and accept that I will always tear every choice to shreds before I commit to it. But I try not to look back and question the decision I’ve (finally) made. I invested a lot in that choice–it’s got to be the right one, yes?
Elizabeth… I love your interweaving of wedding dress decisions with POV decisions. That’s great…. I get it. (Though I admit I haven’t picked a wedding dress for myself before.) I’m also good at tearing every choice to shreds… but I unfortunately spend WAY too much time questioning my past choices, which obviously doesn’t help matters much… unless you like heartburn :)
Thank you, thank you, Yuvi for coming back to WU! You’re one of the few people who can actually get me to watch a video online — they’re always worth it. I hope this isn’t the last time you visit :-)
I’m afraid that my words will only ever have a small audience; that they won’t make the difference I think they could. I worry that the novel series I’m putting my heart and soul into isn’t the right/best way to tell the story I want to tell; that fiction might not be the best vehicle.
What keeps me doing the messy stuff is a preference for the truth. Truth is often unpleasant and unsatisfying, but if I, as a writer, keep putting truth on the page, my readers will trust me, because they’ll know I’m not trying to snow them, or impress them with my awesomeness.
Thanks for sharing, Natalie. I can totally understand your fears along with what keeps you going. My hope is that when attempting these things, you/we will find the right audience that finds this honest writing very satisfying even if it breaks some of the cliched rules. You know what I mean? At least that’s the theory I’m running with this week… Take care.
I needed those belly laughs.
You were missed, Yuvi. You were missed.
Thank you, Kathleen. So great to visit WU.
I, too, am a worrier, often about the minutest of things. My biggest worry when it comes to writing, however, is the middle. I often fear that I do not have enough ideas to sustain the story.