Failing As A Failed Failure
By Yuvi Zalkow | October 22, 2011 |
All my life, I’ve been obsessed with failure. Not so much other people’s failures — my own failures. This obviously has a destructive quality that doesn’t really serve me (or those who have to deal with me), but there are other aspects that I think are useful to the writing life. It’s the attitude of feeling like you’ve never got it all figured out, that you’ve got so much more to learn. More than that, you’ve got to genuinely want to make a dent in this giant list of things that you don’t quite get. Otherwise, you’ll just drown in your unknowingness.
Anyway, in this little video, I talk about the beauty of this failure attitude. It’s my brand of optimistic pessimism, for your consideration.
Nothing brilliant or shocking here, but it’s a way to look at the world that I think has some benefits. I guess there’s a gimmick to my talk of failure. I call it “failure” partly because I find it funny to tell people about all my failings, but more importantly, it’s my codeword for the need to keep my ass in the chair writing, studying, learning.
What about you? How do you keep yourself writing, studying, learning?
Yuvi Zalkow is the author of the novel I Only Cry with Emoticons (Red Hen, 2022) as well as A Brilliant Novel in the Works. His stories and essays have been published in Catapult, Narrative Magazine, Carve Magazine, Rosebud, The Los Angeles Review, and others. Yuvi received an MFA from Antioch University. He uses his poor drawing skills to make YouTube videos and mobile apps that ooze with his worries and anxiety.
The feeling that you’re not good enough yet is actually very positive motive in every aspect of your life not only as a writer.
I totally agree, Larissa. There is an upside to feeling “not good enough” in every aspect of life…
Having humility and avoiding arrogance in the face of success is different than feeling like a failure and self-promoting it. Matter of degree?
Keeping going? The realization that I am not yet F. Scott and having the feeling that I could be. Hey, it could happen.
PS: I LOVE your narrated slide shows. Forget the writing stuff. Do that. You’re a genius.
I do think your take about humility (and avoiding arrogance) is really key– it probably underlies my misappropriation of the word failure…
Also thanks for the very kind words about my “narrated slide shows” (I always struggle with what to call them so it’s always fun to hear what other people call them.) I wish I could quit writing, but I can’t… :)
Ah how i look forward to your video posts…
I appreciate this one for sure; I feel like i spend most of my life not knowing what the hell I’m doing–how nice to see a positive spin on cluelessness!
Thanks, Melissa.
Yeah, it seemed like my only option was to come up with an upside to cluelessness…
Yuvi,
Outstanding video. You’ve got a great perspective about failure. There’s so much to learn about writing. Even published writers say they get nervous when they sit down to write their next novel. Thanks again for your wisdom.
Thanks for the encouraging feedback, CG. Good luck with your own writ in!…
Well, they’ve shown that pessimistic doctors are more accurate in their diagnoses and prognoses…
I’ve always understood your videos as darkly comedic and containing an implied “yet,” as in “I don’t know what I’m doing yet.” As such, yes, you’d get an F in your failuredom. Maybe that’s an occasion for a toast? ;)
Thanks, Jan. Though I’m not far along in my therapy yet to actually celebrate things :)
I’m glad I happened across this series.
To show my failure to the world, I’m going as Rejection for Halloween. I’m pinning all my rejection letters to my clothes and I’m going to wear them all day. Not sure how my students will react, but I’m excited about it.
One friend worries I’m embracing rejection (failure) too much. I don’t know, but I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve also got a collapsable knife. I may carry that around with me too. Either I’ll stab the letters or my heart.
Anyway, I’m now going to watch your other videos.
Marta — I love your Halloween costume! (Hmm… that would be a good way for me to make use of my 500+ rejections…) In all seriousness, I don’t think it means you’re embracing rejection too much. If anything it means you got all those your rejections and you’re still standing (and not letting it beat you down too much). Which is such an enormous part of the battle of being a creative person. Not to grossly self-promote, but my little video about Writing in the Cold (episode #5) focuses on this concept of durability as a writer… and I think your halloween costume shows a sign of durability… unless it is 100% pure masochism :) Hope the costume goes well!
I went and listened to all of the failed writer videos, plus the book trailer. I’ve also started to listen to the Gruber & Mann panel at SxSW. (I live in Austin, so yea! SxSW!) I see that it is just over an hour long, so I’ll finish it tomorrow.
Anyway, several things you have to say, and the way you say them, really speak to me. I’ve got that stupid gene too. So thanks.
And 500 rejections?! I’m impressed. I’ve got to hop to then.
Your post caught my eye, because I’ve been working my way out of feeling like a failure by exploring success on my blog.
I love your video. The idea of being open to not knowing, Beginner’s Mind, is very Zen in the sanest sense, don’t you think? I do.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Hope. Yes, I guess there are some similarities to (what I know about) this “beginner’s mind” concept. Even though I take this zany path to get there, I think I’m attempting to get at the same mindset. Cool. Thanks for watching and commenting!…
I keep learning by reminding myself that life is more fun when you discover something fresh, or acquire a new skill, or open a new door. The effort that goes into learning is always richly rewarded by new experiences and interesting connections. This naturally leads to creative thought, which leads to creative expression. It’s about making space for opportunity, letting the world in.
I agree Leanne! For me, one key trick is to find that way to remind myself about the pay off for opening a new door even when I’m in the muck and mess of not knowing quite where the hell I’m going!…
Thank you for that! I’ve sent this link to a couple of writer friends. I love this take on trying and writing and learning.
Thanks Keetha!