When the Going Gets Tough
By Ann Aguirre | September 14, 2011 |
There is a school of thought that says you can’t write anything unless the stars are aligned and your muse is inspired. I don’t subscribe to it.
I say there is inspiration / motivation to be found in adversity, too. At the end of August, I took my husband to the ER. He stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and he was in ICU twice during that time. He had two surgeries. I was terrified I would lose him.
Nobody would call that ideal working conditions. I had finished the draft of ENDGAME on August 26, one day before my birthday. We went away for a weekend in the country. And on the following Monday, I took my husband to the emergency room.
It felt like my world had come to an end.
I had two deadlines while I was sitting in waiting rooms and living at the hospital. I could have asked for an extension; these are extenuating circumstances that publishers understand. Yet I was reluctant to do so. I did notify my editor that I had some things going on, but I didn’t ask for more time. I had a draft of ENDGAME; maybe I could still get it revised on time.
So I tried. Unfortunately, during the early days when we had no diagnosis, my brain was paralyzed with fear. So I did something I never do. I sent my draft to a colleague for a crit. I think this is the first time since I sold that anyone has read a book of mine that hasn’t been revised at least once. Suzanne McLeod was kind enough to read the manuscript right away, and within a week, she had sent me back a phenomenal revision letter along with notes in the Word file. While I couldn’t focus on my own, I was able to follow her instructions. So I took my Mac Air to the hospital. I worked in waiting rooms. I worked in Andres’s hospital room after he came out of ICU and he slept. I worked in the evenings after I came home. I worked every spare minute. Why? Because it kept me sane. If I could focus on anything else for a little while, it stopped the pain and fear of what would come next.
Everything turned out all right. My husband has been home for a couple of days now. He’s recovering from surgery, and within a year, he should be back up to full speed. I feel incredibly lucky. I turned my book in on time, too. I emailed it to my editor on September 12, three days before the deadline.
I wrote a post for this blog called Writing Your Fears. Now I have a new fear. I said on Twitter that after my experience in the hospital, my next apocalypse will be caused by a deadly bacteria. The point of this post is, if you limit the conditions in which you can work, you are setting a ceiling on what you can achieve. I don’t need ideal conditions. I only need to tell myself: This, too, I can surmount. I will fight through.
And when you do? It feels pretty amazing. During those hellish two weeks, I focused on the next minute, the next hour. I didn’t think how I’d make it long-term. Sometimes it came down to one heartbeat, then the next, because I was so frightened and the things the doctors were saying hurt so much. Will this experience end up in a book? Probably.
How do you handle adversity? Does it inform your writing?
Ann Aguirre is a bestselling, multi-published author with a degree in English Literature. She is a prolific writer, with nine releases planned for 2011 alone. She writes romantic science fiction and urban fantasy under her own name. As Ava Gray, she writes high-octane romances. She also writes “hot paranormal apocalyptic action” with fellow author Carrie Lofty under the pseudonymn Ellen Connor. Follow her on Twitter.
Hi Ann, Thanks for the helpful advice. I hope everything turns out well for you and your family.
Wow, Ann … you might be the definition of determination. Thanks for sharing your struggles with the world, as well as your writing. I hope and pray that your family enjoys some downtime, as well as a better-than-expected year ahead.
Wow. So glad it all turned out okay. I’m not sure I would have been able to focus even with a detailed critique, so kudos to your iron determination.
But yeah, a functioning computer or a pen and paper, are really all we need to tell stories. We do get to control that.
Ann – what a story of perseverance and sheer determination to meet your deadline, even when the odds were against you. I am glad that your hubby is doing okay, and he’s back home. All the best!
Ann, your determination and self-control are impressive. Fingers crossed that the rest of your year goes smoothly, and that your husband recovers completely.
A wonderful lesson. Writing is not the problem. Writing is our way out of problems. That’s what separates writers from non-writers.
I’m stunned over your ability to focus, Ann, but I understand how the work saved you from losing your mind with worry. I’m so glad your husband is back home and that his prognosis is good. Thanks for a post that inspires me to ask more of myself, sans excuses.
What an amazing story! There have definitely been times when writing/editing have carried me through times of fear and stress, but there are other times when I am paralyzed by it. I am so interested in your comment that it was only after a diagnosis you could focus enough to work — I think I’d be exactly the same way. I can only imagine what a relief it is to have your husband home on the mend. Thank goodness it all came out okay!
This story is a testament to the power of a focused human mind. By having this alternate goal, you succeed in more ways than one. A valuable lesson, and very inspirational, Ann. I wish you well with your project, and for your husband’s full and speedy recovery.
Hiding in your work is the best way I know to deal with the unbearable. Bravo!
Thank you for this post. A friend’s husband (she is a writer, too) was just diagnosed with brain cancer . . . and a terrifying prognosis. Thank you for the reminder to write through the fear AND the reminder to take things second by second, minute by minute.
I so appreciate your honesty and applaud your focus. Fabulous. For as crazy-making as writing can be, it’s also a sanity saver. Phew!
Ann, you are an inspiration! I’m so glad your husband is home now and doing better. Your determination is amazing. Thank you for sharing and for teaching us that the starts don’t have to be aligned to write. I love that you were able to gain the support of a fellow writer in your time of need. To know that you could follow instructions even when you couldn’t focus on your own. You have such courage and strength. Write on!
Wow. First of all, I’m so glad your husband is okay and getting better. Second, major props for your strength and focus. I totally understand working through tough times to keep your sanity, but at the same time, it would have been totally reasonable if you couldn’t.
“if you limit the conditions in which you can work, you are setting a ceiling on what you can achieve.”
Hear hear!
You are an amazing person and this is an amazing post. Thank you. *hugs*
Wow. Just…wow. How did you do it? I don’t think I would have been able to do it, but I understand the need to concentrate on something else before you go bonkers.
I’m one of those people who needs the stars to be aligned. I find it difficult to concentrate unless the circumstances are just right. No music. No TV. No talking.
I’m glad your husband is better and on his way to recovery.
How is such a tough question. I couldn’t focus well enough to analyze the draft. That’s why I turned to external help, a friend whose judgment I trust implicitly. I knew Suzanne could help if she had time; fortunately, she did (or she made time). I will always be grateful. Once I had her comments, I could see that she was right, and I could go through the book comment by comment, and address each issue separately. I suppose the ‘how’ feeds into that process; I revised step by step, breaking the big, intimidating task into manageable chunks. That’s how I dealt with the hospital stay, too. Sometimes things are so big, we can’t wrap our heads around them all at once. So you do whatever you have to in order to cope.
What an inspirationl post. I’m so happy your husband is on the mend. You really touched me with speaking about writing through the fear. It can be so paralyzing. I just finished Grimaspace last night and loved it! I’m a a bit of a writing crossroads and this came at the perfect time. Thank you so much.
Kwana, I think fear is the number one reason why writers don’t soar as high as they could.
Glad to hear your husband is doing better. This is a good “kick in the pants” post.
It’s very hard, because more often than not, adversity, rather than being a well-spring, shuts me down. I need to learn to use it better.
Ann, so glad to hear your husband is going to be okay. As for you, wow. You’re a model of resilience, both of the writing and living variety.
I am so glad that your husband is on his road to recovery. There have been times in my life of great stress where I have been able to push ahead and focus on the work at hand. I agree–it helps keep the terror under at least some control.
I hope you make time for yourself and your own emotional recovery as your husband heals. It takes an enormous toll on your resources to go through something like that.
Be well.
I’m happy your husband is recovering! Thank you for such an open and touching post. I am also glad that writing could be a lifeline and sanity-saver for you. So often people think that writing is “one more thing” when it can be “the only thing” instead. And I really love that you reached out, when you never had before. In times of stress, I tend to retreat. Reaching out to someone trustworthy and asking for help is something I needed to be reminded of. Thanks, again.
Just what I needed to hear right this minute. I hope your husband has a speedy recovery.
After writing a book through my teenage son’s cancer treatments, I totally get what you’re saying. I’m actually speaking on the topic of writing through adversity at a conference next week and hope I can quote some of your wise article. You hit a vital distinction: we can’t always create during times of crisis like this, but we can usually accomplish something (like you, I could edit and proofread but not draft), and that accomplishment feeds us in ways writers should just “put aside” in crisis. I’m so glad it turned out well (did in my case, as well)–and now we have so much more material for future books!
Thanks for all the good wishes. I’ll pass them along to Andres. Yes, he’s recovering well.
Great and inspiring post!
I lost my teaching job AND my mother in the same week last year. As bitter and as angry as I was, I forced myself to focus all that raging energy on something positive.
And I finished my first novel. That book gave me something to center myself when it felt like the world was falling apart around me.
I used to think that writing was this mystical thing that only happened when the muse struck. Not anymore.
So glad to hear the scary hospital stay is over and he’s recovering well. I had a similar scare when my daughter was a baby and my husband was in the hospital for a week and the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong and none of them were talking to me. To this day I remember the novel I was reading during the initial trip to the ER and will always associate that scary time with that book.
You are a trooper extrodinaire, and a fine example of how to focus and do SOMETHING productive when you don’t have all the answers and can’t do anything to help or speed the process. Bless your critique partner for giving you a roadmap when you were in need. My best wishes to you. I can’t wait to read more of Jax’s story.
Boy, can I identify. My husband was once in the hospital for a month, with three surgeries in that time and doctors coming out of the walls looking for a diagnosis. I didn’t have a book deadline at that point, but I had a day job that I could do from a laptop next to his bed. I kept going. Focusing on work kept me sane during the surgeries. I did reach a point at the three-week mark where I had to tell my boss I couldn’t keep going, but that had more to do with the cumulative exhaustion of too many nights sleeping in a bedside chair.
You’re amazing.
We’re just getting over the surgery-then-blood-clot trauma that made up our spring and summer. I tried so hard to write in the hospital, but couldn’t pull it off.
You’ve inspired me to do better, though, the next time I’m forced out of my office.
All my best.
Amazing and valuable post, Ann. Very tough times there, and you certainly proved your mettle.
I’ve found I can write through anything–but I can’t do it fast. When I was divorcing, juggling children crises, money struggles, all the turmoil therein, I still wrote, but I was slow. I missed deadlines quite a bit for a few years.
Glad to hear your husband is on the mend.
Like Barbara, I’ve learned I *can* write through anything.
In my case, the results of writing through sleep deprivation(whether health or stress induced) have been fit for the recycle bin only. But if I’m stressed but managing enough shut eye, I feel like it does good things to the old muse.
Then there’s this sub-issue: if the reason for serious stress is in any way little kid related, the amount of scorn from strangers a mom-slash-writer can receive for even *trying* to work is amazing. I think a vast number of people see writing as one of those not-so-real jobs that the writer should be able to “fit in” around everything else.
I feel like such a loser! I’ve been whining about being ‘unmotivated’ and ‘distracted’ since we moved. Now, I realize how ridiculous that is! And how self-defeating.
I am sincerely sorry you had to go through this – husbands are precious things. But I am so pleased all will be well… And that you chose to share this story with us.
I will 1. hug and cuddle my hubster when he comes home tonight and 2. write even when I have a thousand excuses/reasons not to!
Prayers for you and your man – Sasha
Actually, some of my best/most prolific writing has occurred during times of emotional turmoil. Well, I usually have to wait a few days for the grief to pass, but after that, as you said, it becomes a way to stay sane, because your mind has to focus so fully on the story that you are distracted from the real-life events transpiring.
Wow, I needed this right now. Thank you for sharing your adversity and the inspiring way you handled it.
I can certainly understand your fear and your determination to write through. So happy that your husband has made it through.
I lost mine very suddenly nearly 10 years ago this month and it seemed that my world came to a crashing halt. It’s been a hard slog, but writing has saved me and kept me sane. All the best to you and yours.
Ann,
Wow. What an incredible post! First of all, best wishes to your husband for a full recovery. Secondly, I couldn’t have done what you did. I would have been a basket case if my spouse was in the hospital and would have asked for an extension. On the broader question, I’m a big believer in ‘receptivity.’ I don’t believe in a daily word count, but rather in writing when you are physically and mentally receptive to tapping into your creative powers. I cannot write when I am mentally or physically tired. I have to be in the right frame of mind. I adhere to a yearly word count, but a lot of it happens in short creative bursts, followed by long droughts.
Anne, I’m glad everything turned out well. What an amazing ability to focus. And I was grumbling because after finishing my first novel, and starting on the next, I found staring down a blank page a bit daunting.
I’m so glad your husband is doing well.
My wife and I lost our son in Juy, only three days after he was born. I remember sitting down to write the email to my editor to let her know I still wanted my next round of edits to be sent as soon as they were ready. I didn’t want to stop working. I needed to stick at it, whether it was editing the first book or finishing the first draft of the next.
Thanks so much, everyone, for sharing your stories. I admire your fortitude. Sometimes work offers a haven and keeps us sane.
I’m so happy for you that everything turned out okay – truly your personal HEA! I don’t think I could write in the middle of adversity but perhaps after a positive diagnosis. But, even then, I’m not sure I could focus. You’re amazing.
Patti
Hi Ann,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope everything gets better and your husband has a full recovery. :)
Hi Ann. You are so strong and motivating. You are inspirational. Its aptly said “When the going gets tough; the tough gets going” and you are really brave to overcome the situations. i wish everything goes well with you. Keep going.
Your story is amazing and inspirational. I’m not sure I could have done the same (I’m pretty sure I would have caved.) It is so difficult for me to organize my thinking when I’m in panic mode.
It was brilliant of you to get some outside assitance as a way to order your thinking. Even with that, though, it’s so impressive that you were able to continue to write in those difficult conditions. Wow!
I’m glad your husband is okay and I hope he continues to have a healthy recovery.
Wow. You’ve hit a button here. I, too, went through something similar with my husband. The writing I did during what turned into a year of uncertainty, in and out of the hospital, through chemo, radiation and finally, a liver transplant, turned into a book that will be released in a few weeks. It’s called The Next 15 Minutes, because that’s all I could get through at a time. Sometimes it was just 5 minutes, just 5 seconds.
Wow, Kim, a whole year… but yeah, totally, breaking it down like that? When you don’t know when it’s going to end, sometimes that’s the only way to deal. Future becomes a curse word; you can’t plan. I admire you putting your thoughts down so other people can benefit from them.
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