Let’s Talk About Sex
By Barbara O'Neal | June 22, 2011 |
A week or two ago, I was watching a movie On Demand and switched back to network television. It was a crime show, and I happened to come into a scene that featured a man discovering the dead body of a woman who had been murdered. She had clearly died violently. The depiction was violent and deeply offensive to me.
What immediately came to me was, if that that same woman had been alive and naked, it would have been censored. Because, you know, the living flesh of a naked woman (or even worse, full frontal nudity of a man!) is far more likely to undermine the fabric of our society than gallons of blood leaked by a corpse staring at the heavens.
Here is my rant: violence is twisted humanity. Sex is normal. Why have we reversed these two ideals in our popular culture, and in literature? How could sex possibly be more dangerous than gruesome violence?
When I wrote my first mainstream novel, No Place Like Home, I confessed to my editor that I had been worried about the love scenes in the book. She laughed and said, “Everybody likes sex.”
But it seems quite difficult for writers to tackle love scenes. On Facebook, I saw a writer bemoaning her editor’s request to add a love scene, and it made me start thinking this even more.
Why is sex such a challenge for writers? Many reasons. Self-consciousness, a lack of confidence, a lack of study and discussion of good sex scenes, a fear of being judged.
Certainly not every book requires sex. Probably most do not, though I have not yet written that book myself. Many writers are not writing about people kissing, much less getting down to the serious business of sex. All that is fine.
But if a book turns in some way on the relationship between lovers, especially lovers who have only begun to know each other, or lovers who are falling away from each other, sex is an important part of the way they relate to each other. I have often felt that a writer closed the bedroom door because he didn’t know how to get a sex scene on the page without it sounding like grade c porn (which it often does, unfortunately). While it is legitimate to be flummoxed about it, fear is not a good reason to avoid writing sex. A fear that all sex is porn, and it is not. The discussion would take too long and isn’t the point of this blog, but there is a difference between sex scenes in novels and porn, which is titillation for the sake of titillation. (And I have nothing against that, at all. It’s just not the same.)
Sex, like every other action in a novel, can be a very powerful addition to the writer’s toolbox (no pun intended). It can reveal character, underline themes. One of the best sex scenes I can remember reading was by Jennifer Crusie in Faking It. It’s bad sex, because it takes forever and the protaganist is working very hard, but it’s very good writing because it underlines the theme of the book, and character and the real work of relationships.
So, how can you write better sex scenes? Here are some tips.
#1 It’s not about you.
This is not about your sexual desires and fantasies, but about the relationship between your characters. What can you show us about them in this scene? How do their actions here show us who they are in relationship to each other? What hidden things are revealed? What hidden things become more hidden?
#2 Forget about your children, grandmother, father, significant other. It’s not about them, either.
This is a stumbling block for a lot of us. You don’t want to write anything that will make it impossible for you to hold your head up within your circle, but what you think might shock Grandma might not. My late mother-in-law was a Church of God Christian of the old school, and I was terrified of what she would think when she read the love scenes in the romance novels I was writing at the time. “Child,” she said to me when I said she could skip those parts, “where do you think my six children came from?”
On the other hand, I have had the opposite experience, especially with The Lost Recipe for Happiness. Some readers complained about explicit sex, and so did my ordinarily pretty accepting mother. The reaction surprised me and, I will admit, made me question my choices. The sex is more explicit and more present than in most of my books—but there is a very good reason why. Elena is a woman who has been lost in her world of ghosts for twenty years. The book is about her letting go and coming back to live in this world. It’s a very sensual book on every level—food, pain, touch, sight (it is set in Aspen, one of the more gorgeous places on the planet). The food descriptions are erotic, the sex is erotic. I stand by the choice I made. It’s a lusty book and lusty sex was required.
#3 Sex should move the story forward, like every other scene in the book.
Sex for the sake of sex has no place in any novel. Every sex scene should move the story action forward. There should be more information revealed that we have not had. It can be a bonding scene or a furious scene, or whatever you need, but it needs to be about more than sex.
#4 Use the language of your characters and novel to describe the action.
A middle aged oilman isn’t going to use flowery language in bed (or would he? Is this a place he lets down his guard?). A woman new to sex probably won’t use crude terms. What language would your characters use to refer to sex and actions? If you are writing an elegantly poetic story, the language needs to be similarly poetic and metaphorical here. If you’re writing a thriller full of blood and gore, the language in the sex scenes needs to be just as gritty and realistic as in the rest of the book. Don’t break tone. Don’t break mood.
#5 Avoid coy language
Related to the above. One of the problems of writing elegant sex scenes in English is the clunky awkwardness of terms. The lexicon of inimate body parts are clunky and unappealing for the most part. The trick is to be real and right in the minds of your characters.
#6 You don’t have to describe every beat
Endless details are really not terribly interesting in a novel, not just endless details about sex, but about anything. If I describe the process of baking bread, I would not tell you every single second of the process. Hit the highlights, use the scene to express mood and a change in the narrative.
#7 Have some fun with it
This is not some dire assignment. Try to have some fun with it. Write a raw version, and then go back and polish, as you would with any other scene. That’s the point, really. Sex scenes are just another scene in your book. Learn to write them well.
Have you struggled with this process? Did I miss a tip you would like to share?
Barbara O’Neal is the author of more than a dozen award-winning, bestselling novels, including the runaway bestseller, When We Believed in Mermaids, which has been published in more than 20 countries and spent many months on the Amazon Charts, as well as the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and Washington Post bestseller lists. Barbara lives on the beach in rugged Oregon with her husband, a British endurance athlete who vows he’ll never lose his accent and their zoo of cats and dogs. You can find more information on her newsletter and where to find her on social media at barbaraoneal.com.
great post! I’m all about not having sex-shame when it comes to writing (unless that’s where your character’s at, of course!)
But interestingly, your point about violence v sex made me question my own prejudices one way or the other, and I came to the conclusion that I don’t want sex and nudity to lose its zing by over-exposure. It’s not about what I’m comfortable with – it’s that violence isn’t important to me, so I don’t mind being exposed to it. Sex IS important, and I don’t want to see it lose something.
Still, that’s just a gut-response, and like I said, am totally pro-sex! I think it can retain something in the written word, when you’re using that great sex-organ, the brain, that it can’t onscreen.
Hey really interesting article,
In some ways I disagree with the notion that it is not about your children, family members etc. As an artist, an important part of my decision making process is the simple question “When my children are grown up… is this something I would happily show them, let them read etc?”
If you don’t have the dignity of a life well lived at the end of your days, what do you have?
Hear me though, I don’t think this is about sex or no sex; graphic content etc. It is the heart of subject matter, the quality of the film, my heart towards the project etc.
Does everyone else think I am crazy?
Geoff Talbot
Blogging and now commenting in only Seven Sentences
Very well said! I personally don’t feel the need/desire to write sex scenes. Doesn’t mean I don’t like reading ’em – and I LOVE to write all the tension surrounding them. LOVE IT. Still, I’m a “fade in/fade out” type writer when it comes to romance aspects. ;)
I’m dreading writing a sex scene. At the same time, I’m curious how I’ll manage it.
Your point about a lot of these scenes coming across as grade C porn is a pertinent one, although I do wonder if it’s not partly down to the reader. I’ve read books where I wasn’t expecting a sex scene, and then an explicit one suddenly comes along. It may be written as well as the rest of the book, but in my head all I’m thinking is “this book’s become a little seedy”, and my attention to writing style is perhaps lost.
Regarding violence vs sex, it sounds like something that could turn into a heated debate. The desensitisation of audiences is something that often crosses my mind, and I’m certain that if all the 18/R rated films of yesteryear were re-classified, most would be a PG today. Yet this only covers the violent/scary stuff. Sex would, indeed, still be for “Mature” audiences. Which is odd, when you consider kids are given sex-ed in school, but aren’t taught how to commit the perfect murder.
Great post. Your rant about sex versus violence is spot on. I can only blame the puritans…. I feel like in much of Europe, children are rightly more sheltered from graphic violence. Mentions of sex don’t outrage the average parent over there. I wonder if popular european authors get as hung up about writing sex?
The best tip I ever got is let your characters lead you to the bedroom. My tip is this, when writing a sex scene ask yourself, “how does it feel?” Focus on sense details.
In my writing, I try to use sex scenes to reflect the condition of the characters relationship. If their relationship is stormy, their bedroom encounter will be too.
As my husband says, movies should come with R ratings that say violence or sex. He’ll watch the sex ones, thank you. Writing good sex scenes are like writing any other scenes. They have to make sense to the characters, move the story, and be about real emotions not just motions. A master of this type is Diana Gabaldon in her Outlander series. You can’t go wrong studying how she does it.
Really love this post, both the reflections and the guidelines. And especially the bit about how sex scenes need to move the story forward — great insight! I think readers can tell, even if unconsciously, when a scene interrupts the story instead of furthering it.
Thanks for addressing this topic, Barbara!
This is a wonderful post. I especially like these questions, which can give the scene a great relevance: “What hidden things are revealed? What hidden things become more hidden?” Thanks, Barbara!
The fact is, like it or not, that very few writers have the ability to write sex scenes that really move the story forward, that give us deeper glimpses into the characters, or that don’t come across as the same old, same old. I’d also question the trend to having sex scenes in practically every novel that involves relationships, something that’s become almost de rigeur. I can think of one extremely well-written and enjoyable book that was spoiled for me by a completely unanticipated and unnecessary sex scene, probably written to an editor’s demand. In real life, sex is private. There’s no reason why it can’t be equally private in novels.
We have hundreds of years of great literature without explicit bedroom scenes. The trend toward explicit description is very recent, in case anyone has forgotten, and is a mainly unacknowledged acceptance of what used to be considered pornography. It certainly isn’t necessary to the majority of fiction and, in most cases, it detracts from it.
Catana–
It’s a pretty broad statement to say that few writers know how to write proper sex scenes that move the story forward.. why should it be difficult for most writers to do? Why should writing realistic, important and maybe even poignant sex scenes be harder to write than anything else? Unlike riding a unicorn, solving a crime or being crowned Queen, sex is something most writers actually do, at some point in their lives. Of course, like anything else, like sex itself, writing good sex scenes takes practice. But it can and does happen all the time, just like sex itself.
Also, I would disagree with the argument that since sex is private in life, it should remain so in writing. Sex is a private experience for some, just as monogamous sex is an experience for some. It’s not the only way, the natural way, or the right way. It’s a way. Anyone that has been to the zoo or a frat party knows this… and those are just the easy examples.
Many things that are private among families, couples or friends, like arguments, infidelity, abuse and loss of love, are written about– are some of the best things to write about. Why is sex to be hidden– so that it can never be properly understood? So it’s varied motivations won’t shock us? So that we can assign it rigid structures and meanings? Are we afraid here that its primal power will evaporate in the light or that it might fall into the wrong hands– our own?
Sex it is what it is. And most of the great writers I’ve read have used it to high advantage, whether they were very explicit or gave teasingly incomplete accounts.
For myself, I say– open the bedroom door a little– or the kitchen door, or the office door– and let me see how it is for you. Because then I know a little more about my world. And I can handle it.
As a writer of erotica and erotic fiction, I’m there with you, hh.
Not everybody can write sex, not everybody should. Sex scenes written by those who don’t WANT to write sex scenes… come off that way.
Sex is one of the basic motivations of human beings. To not deal with that desire and drive in an honest way (which is not necessarily the same as an explicit way) leaves the reader unsatisfied, in more ways than one.
I think most people want to know, “Am I normal?” And that includes sex – am I weird for wanting XX kind of sex, do other people do this and such in the bedroom, how can I insist on protection without turning off my partner? Just like novels let us explore issues about death, job loss, family dysfunction, etc., they can allow us to explore the world of sex from a safe vantage point.
Catana!
Sometimes, I don’t want to read “great literature”! Sometimes I want to read something sexy, steamy & fun! ;)
I definitely would like to be able to write a love scene and have it be an integral part of the story. Thanks for the tips, Barbara O’Neal!
Emily
This is a fantastic post. I’ve long thought that our overall societal preference for violence over sex somehow seems backward. After all, there are few positive connotations for the former, but sex can be and often is a beautiful and wonderful part of life. (Um, yes, I’m wearing my parent hat as well as my writer hat as I write this, in case anyone is wondering!)
In fiction, I find both violence and sex equally complicated to write, and I’m not a fan of including either for gratuitous purposes. But because both are part of life and can serve our stories, I think we need to include them at times. Each of your seven points provides excellent guidance to help us write sex scenes that deepen our stories without reading like grade c porn.
Now, if only we could come up with language for male and female anatomy that is neither crass nor scientific-sounding, that would be a big help, too. Maybe that’s something we should work on at WU…
I agree about the graphic depiction of violence being offensive, and I try to avoid it as much as possible. If it’s in a TV show or movie, I generally have my hand covering my eyes, and in a book, I skip those portions (particularly if there’s detailed info from the killer’s POV). I’m squeamish, AND impressionable. LOL
I write romance, so I enjoy love scenes. And it’s because it involves sex as well as emotion. It reveals a lot more about the character’s heart and emotional state than just their physical attributes or prowess. :)
And in order for them to show this aspect, the scenes have to be an appropriate stepping stone in the characters’ relationship. Otherwise it’s “coitus interruptus” of another kind. LOL
Brilliant read. Those questions did give a great insights… to move the scene forward!! Keep these coming!
I like your points. I just recently had this discussion at my blog. And lots of people said closing the door was more romantic…but not all sex is romantic, so I find this argument not that fitting for every situation. As someone who was raised to be terrified of sex, writing was sex scene was difficult. I sure do hope I pulled it off!
Thanks!
I, too, have wondered about the cultural influences that make writing (and reading) sex scenes so distasteful and worrisome to many. My sense is that Canadian authors don’t perceive the same barriers as those who live south of the border.
I agree with both your philosophy and points, Barbara. My personal goal is to apply the same criteria to sex scenes as I do to the rest of my scenes; they should include stakes, advance the plot, and enhance characterization. If that makes it challenging for me, oh well. I don’t get a free pass on any other kind of scene that serves the story because I’m uncomfortable.
I can’t write sex scenes. I’ve tried. Maybe it’s the “who’s going to read this” in the back of my mind, but I even tried it thinking I could always use a pseudonym.
Reading sex scenes? I have no problem with that! I agree that they were integral to “The Lost Recipe For Happiness.”
Great topic. Makes me think I should give it a try and push myself instead of push it aside, if I find it belongs in something I’m writing.
A truly excellent post with full frontal coverage of all the essentials of well-written sex. Thank you, Barbara. This is perfect.
I think you’re right, Barbara. The sex vs. violence thing is not only a double standard, it’s twisted. When I started writing, before I’d ever read a writing blog or a craft book, I was far more concerned about how graphic my violence should be than about sex. I knew my characters would have sex, and that it would be meaningul to the story, their interrelationships, and their arcs. Just as violence would be.
Thanks for the tips–they’re great. I know I have to continue to hone my craft when it comes to writing sex scenes, just as with any other kind of scene. I find them challenging, just as any other climactic scene would be (no pun intended).
Great post, Barbara. You always know how to stir the pot, and I love that about you.
Thank you for this post Barbara. I lived overseas a bit while growing up and especially in Europe I noticed that sex was not considered something to shield children from. My parents were far more concerned with protecting me from images of rampant violence, which could be while I’m still disturbed by that today, yet have no problem with sex in books/movies etc. It could also be why I don’t cringe at writing sex scenes, even graphic ones, when the situation calls for it. In my current WIP my protagonists are ancestors of mine (not ones I ever met). I avoided sex scenes for awhile thinking it would be awkward, but they were not modest people and were obsessively in love. Graphic sex would not fit with the tone of the book (thankfully) so I concentrated on small sensual details and emotion. Each scene says a great deal about them and about where they were in their relationship. The result is one I believe they would approve of wholeheartedly.
Great post!
I JUST submitted my WIP’s sex scene to my critique group. (in fact, my last blog post a couple days ago was about this).
Luckily I think I avoided most of the mishaps, but my critique group comments did make me do a bit of revision to make things clearer. What saved me, I think, was to remember to write the scene from my main character’s POV, not mine. Made the whole thing less embarrassingly personal in a way…
Although the comments and suggestions and questions did get a little hilarious. Anybody reading our emails (it’s an online group) for that day or two would probably think it was an entirely different type of email group. haha!!
Thanks for this! I’ve written “hot” romances over the years, and even tackled a three-book erotic series… which ultimately was a mistake, for me. I am fine writing sex scenes that serve the story, but when the balance of sex-to-story tipped the other way, I was at a loss. That said, I remember when I started out, my critique group had such a hard time writing sex scenes that one of us suggested actually reading the scenes out loud. With much giggling, we finally “got over it.” :)
I remember when people blushed at the word twitterpated. One would think that the creation of life would get a lot more acclaim than the destruction of it. In any case, this was an excellent post.
Thanks!
Fantastic post. I completely agree that we have twisted things to accept violence and not sex — but I would like to point out that this is not true in all cultures. Europeans (overall) are much more accepting of open sexuality than Americans are, for example.
Great tips! As you say, it comes down to what is right for this story and these characters; throw the rest out the window.
Yes, over-the-top gory violence on TV is too much. But the very same thing can be said about “sex” scenes in books. WE ALL KNOW HOW TO HAVE SEX, AND WE ALL KNOW EVERY LITTLE BODY PART AND NICKNAME FOR SAID BODY PARTS.
The old adage definitely holds true when writing sex scenes: less is most definitely more.
Whew. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a month or so, and was worried that it might make some uncomfortable. (Those of you who disagree with me must be staying quiet…please feel free to debate.)
It’s true that sex is not something everyone wants to write about. I have a scene of extreme violence in the book in progress, and it has to be there, but the first time through, I glanced over it so much that my editor and agent both said, “I didn’t feel anything.” So I had to rewrite it and I cried all the way through. Which I guess is my place of discomfort.
Catana, it’s true that sex was not depicted on the page in days of yore, but I never quite buy the “old days were better” argument. We didn’t talk about birth control, either, and women didn’t have the vote. In general, we have a lot more freedom in many directions, including the freedom to write in an honest way about topics that interest us.
Vaughn, stirring the pot…yes. It’s interesting to have discussions, right?
Cathy, thanks for that addition. Someone in my world encouraged me to write erotica straight to E, but I know I don’t have it in me. I would just feel silly and embarrassed, but there is a huge demand, and to do it well is a talent.
Mari and Kim, I have noticed that, too, that sex is a lot more open in Europe. Not sure that’s true of books, however. I’ve heard writers say the sex is downgraded in translations sometimes.
I agree a thousand percent on our society’s warped reversal of the merits and dangers of depictions of sexuality and violence. I’ll be that in caveman days kids saw a whole lot more sex going on than interpersonal violence.
I also agree with making sure sex scenes advance the story or deepen characterization. I’m working on a coming of age story, “The Summer Boy,” and have three sex scenes as teen lovers discover each other. The reactions of two beta readers (both women) were:
“The love scenes are remarkable, haunting even – what would we not all give for a first love like that?”
“All the intimate scenes brought back memories of first kisses and fogged rear windows.”
I feel like I accomplished my purpose. The technique? Getting inside the characters and showing what they feel and do as naturally as possible.
It must be springtime. I follow a lot of blogs, and this is the third post about sex in literature in the past week. Here’s the score:
One blogger has maintained that it’s utterly unnecessary, distracting, and ultimately a cheap device to titillate unsophisticated readers.
One blogger routinely includes sexual content in his blog and his books. His post included a link that was enough to offend even me (that takes a lot). The linked site purported to be sexual, but in fact was so violent that I felt compelled to blog about it myself.
And today, your post arrived. It perfectly describes my feelings about the topics of sex and violence in film and literature.
Thanks – excellent post! (Wish I’d written it). :-)
Another thing came to mind as I was reading the comments — I feel like sex scenes are one of those things beginning writers might feel there are “rules” about it, e.g. “Every book needs at least one sex scene” or “If you include explicit sex in anything but erotica, readers will hate you!” But it’s never so clear-cut. Some stories demand sex, some stories would be wrecked by it, and you may not really realize whether the story needs it or not until after you’ve written it.
At the risk of being perceived as “backwards,” I must respectfully disagree. As a Christian fiction writer (by that I mean one who writes fiction, and is Christian), I feel that it is important to not present stumbling blocks to other Christians. To me, it’s not just important, but a responsibility.
I don’t want to come across as puritanical; yes, sex in an appropriate, married relationship is a *wonderful* thing, and not just for making babies. When I am married, my wife and I will explore every last inch of our sexuality with love and respect, but until then, from my perspective, sex is something that should wait. Not because it’s evil, or ghastly, or beastly; simply because I believe my Lord and savior has asked me to wait and share my sexuality with one and only one woman on this planet. Biblical support for this does exist (go read “Every Young Man’s Battle”).
The problem is that waiting becomes difficult when living in a sex-saturated society, even more problematic when Christians really delve in to the topic and discover that it’s not just our bodies we’re to abstain with, but our hearts and minds as well. And while a married man or woman can unintentionally read or watch something steamy, and relieve sexual tension by making love to his or her spouse, an un-married Christian has no such outlet.
For me, as a writer and a Christian, this is the heart of the matter. I don’t want to contribute to that over-saturation that makes it difficult for a fellow Christian to live the way he or she believes God has called them to live.
I’m not saying children should be sheltered from sex education, quite the contrary, but I believe that starts at the home and Church, in educating our children as to the proper nature and role sex plays in our lives and relationships, not in a steamy bedroom scene, no matter how artful the literature is.
To be clear, I don’t advocate censoring sex scenes out of literature for all. I recognize that not everyone believes as I do, and freedom of speech is an important part of the principles the U.S.A. was founded on. But just because one *can* do something, does not mean one *should.*
Nor am I unopposed to the extreme level of gore and violence in television and literature. Rather the opposite: I think it should serve as a warning cry for where our views on sexuality will go if we allow them free reign. Like violence, our sensitivity to sex is on a slippery slope. The more we are exposed to, the more we become accustomed to, the more we need to register the shock of the violence or the rise of the sex. One only has to speak to anyone deeply entrenched in their porn habits to see this – I’ll spare you the details, but it rarely starts with the hardcore material.
And yes, I recognize that “sex happens.” I’m not suggesting that life should be portrayed unrealistically (on a side note – unplanned pregnancies and STDs are also realistic consequences, but for some reason not as commonly portrayed, at least in my experience). I’m just saying that, personally, I will not write anything that serves as a stumbling block to another Christian. I feel like I, as a writer, should not need to rely on a descriptive sex scene to portray a pair of lovers or a prostitute any more than I would a grotesquely violent act to portray a sociopathic murderer. There’s always another way; it is all, in the end, completely made up.
I think your advice about writing raw then revising–as with any draft–is right on. I struggled a couple of months ago with two crucial sex scenes, one romantic and one violent. What finally allowed me to break through was giving myself the freedom to write as over-the-top graphically as I could, then gradually scaling back to a level appropriate to the rest of the novel. It was only by having every detail on the page that I could see what was necessary and what simply didn’t sing. Not so very different from writing anything else, really, it’s just the baggage most of carry on this topic that makes it seem that way.
Reading over the comments, it is interesting how many other issues arise when talking about writing sex scenes. Attitudes about violence, about the responsibility towards one’s children, religious beliefs, current trends, and literary history.
Strikes me that writing about sex is almost as complicated as actually having sex.
Tim, the romance novels of today do deal with the complications of sex, including STDs and pregnancy. My May release from Harlequin American Romance, A Conveneint Proposal, handled both.
I understand your point, however. There is a growing market for sex-free novels, including Harlequin’s own Love Inspired lines.
Sex still sells best which, I have to confess, worries me. For every author who writes a good scene–and Barbara is certainly one of them–there are 10, it seems, who use explicit scenes to hook the reader, titillate and draw them on. Sex is the reason for the story, rather than an element in the relationship. And I do think the physical sensations aroused by reading graphic sexual descriptions can create an ever higher level of tolerance. A sort of addiction, in fact. I’ve seen this happen with romance readers over the last 20 years.
So I believe each writer must reconcile their own conscience in the matter of how much sex and how much violemce to include. There are ways to work with both elements in explicit and non-explicit terms. We have to find the right words to produce our desired effect on the reader.
Goeffrey, I missed your post the first time through. An excellent question. It’s perfectly possible, IMO, to write sex in a way that I would not be ashamed to show it to my children or grandchildren should they ever be interested in reading my books. And one of the great things about being a writer is being able to delve into the heart of sticky subjects, living honorably on the page as well as in life.
Tim, thanks for your thoughtful counter. It was important that someone write that. And certainly, there is merit in the argument.
Nick, yes. That’s a technique I use, as well. Over the top, then scaling back, which is actually opposite of what I usually do. (I write in layers, sketching, then detailing.)
Jael, excellent insight.
This post and the comments are equally fascinating. I also applaud everyone for such a kind and respectful dialogue. That’s what makes Writer Unboxed so awesome.
As for me, I’m on the fence. Like Tim, and as a Catholic with a deacon father and lots of priest/nun friends, their support of my work matters to me and I wouldn’t want to write anything inappropriate. The opinion of my children is also extremely important to me. I have young kids and my nine-year-old let me have it for writing a curse word in my book. I would hate to make my kids uncomfortable about what I write.
Also, and probably of the greatest weight, is that I feel like I can’t give that part of myself to my readers whether it’s an experience I’ve had or not. I’ve said it before that we writers give so much of ourselves in our work. There are some places that I need to keep sacred.
That said, I’m currently working on a novel that seems to call for it. It’s the first time I’ve encountered this in my writing and I’ll be interested to see how it plays out–if I can maintain personal privacy, give dignity to the act, and make it meaningful to the characters.
Barbara, thanks so much for this post.
Marta, writing sex strikes me as far more complicated than having sex. :)
I participated in the discussion on Facebook about this very topic and there was quite a range of opinions. But, I still hold to the notion that if you’re uncomfortable writing it (whether it’s just a kiss or the down and dirty details of doing the nasty), it just won’t work. If it’s not within your comfort zone, then don’t write it. It has nothing to do with puritanical notions or women trying to be “good girls.” Everyone is different and each of us has our own comfort zone with sex talk. The same is true of violence. My husband is aghast that I can sit and watch something like Final Destination, True Blood or Friday 13th. While blood, gore and decapitation don’t bother me, I draw the line at anything that depicts realistic torture and rape. Make sense? Not really, but that’s my comfort zone. I say you figure out what your comfort zone is for sex scenes and stick within those borders.
But I have to admit, I do feel my husband and my teenage kids figuratively looking over my shoulder as the characters begin to disrobe.
Barbara, you remind me of my mother and I mean that as compliment. She always said “Violence is a horrible, unnatural thing, but sex is just another part of life.” She also happens to be a big fan of your historical romances :-)
As a romance reader/writer, I also find this topic interesting. As a writer, I think it comes down to three interconnected things which I think everyone has touched on.
1) What do you feel comfortable with? 2) What are reader/audience expectations? 3) What does the story itself demand? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pushing any one of those 3 boundaries a bit, but if you push on them too hard, it shows and the story suffers.
As a reader, my taste has varied a lot at different times and even day by day and author by author. I thought it was interesting when a friend of mine who liked historical fiction read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon and was horrified by the amount of sexual content. I didn’t have the heart to tell her as romances go, it’s fairly tame :-) A different friend was just complaining the other day that she wishes Lauren Willig had not tamed down the sensuality of her latest releases. She misses the explicitness of the earlier books b/c as a reader, she felt that Willing handled it very well and made it an emotional component to the books.
The bottom line is, you can’t please everyone and that’s why there’s more than one book at the bookstore. :-)
I think that’s some very sound and excellent advice for writing sex scenes in fiction.
Regarding the violence vs. sex in U.S. culture…ugh, it’s so weird and complicated here. Remember the outcry over Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl a number of years back? If you managed to find a screen shot of the “wardrobe malfunction” that was magnified at least 100x, then you could actually see a tiny bit of the offending nipple. Based on the reaction in the press, you would have thought the world was going to come to an end. Nevermind this was during a halftime show for the championship game of football, a very violent sport (that I do like to watch). Had a player gotten injured (concussion, broken leg, etc.), they would have shown the replay of the injury-making play repeatedly. It makes me think we’d rather have a nation of fighters instead of lovers.
Thanks so much for this post, Barbara. You got me immediately with your question – why is sex not okay but horrendous depiction of violence is acceptable. Skewed? Yes, I would agree. I think people can distance themselves from a dead body in a way that they can’t with sex, moving body parts, orgasms, and the like. Somehow it’s embarrassing to put an intimate act “out there” for all to see, whereas the same individual may not mind seeing someone’s guts spilled all over the sidewalk and their body parts cut up. In an odd way, the observer can distance him/herself from the gore because they can’t relate to it (they don’t picture themselves in that same scenario if you will), but most people do participate in sexual relations, however not for “others to see”.
Patti
Great post and the range of comments is fascinating!
Brava (as they say in Italy where I live – and where sex can be both very open or very prude)…
All I can say is that your tips are very sensible and should work for most writers…Except for those that get entranced in their own writing…but then they’ll likely to fall into erotica, another “thing” altogether!
I completely agree about the split in television and the double mores. There’s a national outcry when a pop star has a “costume malfunction” that exposes her breast but no one blinks when every single network station has a graphic depiction of violence in its prime time show that evening.
Your tips are super practical and helpful and I love Jael’s point about the scene serving the story, and making the call as the story unfolds. I’m bookmarking this article for frequent review!
I am so pleased that we are all so respectful of each other’s points of view. What a great community!
This is the best post I’ve ever read about writing sex. Ever.
P.S. Love the quote from your mother-in-law!
Hi :)
As for a young writer with no expirience with sex scenes in any matter of speaking, it was hard for me to find a way how to describe that part of my character’s life. Since I am still a child by legal (in my country at least), it wasn’t easy to find a way to describe something like that, especially regarding my mother’s and equally young friends’ interest in my writings :p
While searching the net looking for advices, I found your text and I just had to leave this comment. It’s really good written and I believe I’ll be able to write my sex scene(s) pretty good, based on your advices and advices of others who read your post and commented on it.
So thank you very much, Barbara, and thank you all, for sharing your expiriences and enlightening young writers with none x)
P.S. English is not my first language, so pardon my mistakes in writing this comment.