Do Not Show Your Writing to Your Mother or Your Lover
By Randy Susan Meyers | December 5, 2010 |
Therese here. Author Randy Susan Meyers first turned me on to Betsy Lerner–author, former editor, and now an agent with Dunow, Carlson and Lerner Literary Agency. Betsy wrote a book that Randy raved about called The Forest for the Trees, so you know I had to check it out. Here to tell you, it’s just as fantastic as Randy said it would be. Newsday said of this book of advice for writers “Brilliant…Cleverly disguised as a sensible reference work [this] is in fact a riveting safari through the wilds of the writer’s brain, as well as an honest and unpatronizing guide to publishing from every angle.” It is, in all honesty, a book I wish I’d had two years ago, before my book deal.
As it happens, Betsy’s book was just released in a second edition. I invited her here today to blog with us, offer up a touch of her wise advice. Enjoy!
Do not show your writing to your mother or your lover
Do not show your writing to your mother or your lover. And here’s why: they either love you too much and cannot be honest, or they are ambivalent about you and will hurt you. The most popular post on my blog was when I wrote about hurtful things people say to writers. In the comments were the most cruel stories of writers at the hands of parents.
Another reason not to show your work to loved ones and lovers is that they often don’t know that much about writing. It would like asking me to look at your plumbing just because I was the closest person around.
Another reason: you presumably want to have a continuing relationship. Nothing hurts more than comments about your work. It’s worse than comments about your personal appearance, and no one takes more liberty with these than loved ones and spouses.
What you want, what you need, is a writing workshop. A group of similarly dedicated people who do not owe you anything, who do not sleep with you, who did not push you out of their bodies. Even better if the workshop has a leader who is a published author and has a few books under their belt. I’m not saying you need to get an MFA, but you probably hunger for and do need feedback. Of course, all feedback is not created equal and there could be dolts around your workshop table who might make cousin Minnie look like a rocket scientist. But you get the idea. Feedback in a professional setting. Feedback from people who think about structure and character and pacing and syntax.
One last point: relations will always read your work autobiographically, which is another reason to keep the lid on the cookie jar. You don’t need those kind of projections when you’re working. You need the freedom to write what you want the way you want it without censorship of family intrusion.
I know there are exceptions out there, writers who claim their spouses are their best readers. Joan Didion said as much in her memoir, My Year of Magical Thinking. Of course, her husband John Gregory Dunne was a professional writer as well. Even so, I think it’s skating on paper-thin ice when you ask a lover to be your first reader. They don’t let doctors operate on family members. I rest my case.
Readers, you can learn more about Betsy and her must-read book, The Forest for the Trees, on her website. So let’s discuss: Do you share your work with loved ones? Why or why not?
Photo courtesy Flickr’s Wonderlane
Randy Susan Meyers, author of six novels, including The Many Mothers of Ivy Puddingstone, has been featured in People, The New York Times, The LA Times, Washington Post, and more. Her books, translated into over thirty languages, earned an Indie Next Pick and were highlighted by Kirkus as among the ‘10 Best Books of the Year.’ The Massachusetts Council of the Book selected three of her novels as ‘Must Reads.’ Her books have been translated into over thirty languages.
Drawing from her experience with troubled youth, criminal justice, and bartending in Boston, Meyers writes about domestic drama, societal issues, and cultural nuances. A Brooklyn-Boston hybrid, she treasures family, friends, books, and NY bagels.
Holy cow, I just read the post on Betsy’s blog followed by reams of comments containing cruel remarks from family and friends about people’s writing. I had been feeling sorry for myself today, but now I am sending a huge thank you to my departed mother, who taught me to love reading, hand-typed my childhood stories, read absolutely everything I gave her and never uttered a negative word. And a grateful hug to my children, who have supported me at every stage of my adult writing career and who only offer critique when I specifically ask for it.
“They don’t let doctors operate on family members.” As a retired physician, let me take this further. “They” don’t prohibit it–common sense dictates that clouded judgment has no place in the operating room. Likewise, it has no place in the editing and critiquing of writing. Right on.
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My husband is a professional writer and a good critic. We are each other’s first reader. I write fiction and so does he; if we were writing personal essays we might ask somebody else to read…
After patronizing remarks and biting comments, I learned rather quickly to be careful about those with whom I shared my writing.
Somebody you love is going to eventually read your work and break your heart. (Or worse, not even be bothered to read it.)
One of my test readers said my “characters were good” and “maybe I could use them for something else.” She is also a writer.
I say let the heart break. We humans need pain to learn. Think of how it would drive a protagonist to be stronger and wiser.
I’m lucky. My husband is my first reader, the one who gets the raw stuff. He tells me if something doesn’t make sense or if things are dragging. As it gets further along, other folk help me when I’m doing polish as opposed to drafting.
But I also remember the roommate from hell who insisted on reading my stuff and tearing it to pieces in the most hurtful way possible. She had no interest in succeeding and seemed to enjoy tearing me down.
It’s a mixed bag and I’d say approach letting your loved ones reading your work with extreme caution,
At first I shared it with my best friend because I didn’t understand about the character voice, plot pace and structure. Now I realize she was not the best choice but one of the many learning curves I’ve experienced as a writer.
You should always have someone look at your work who knows the industry better than you. In my opinion.
I share my work with my husband, and he’s fabulous support and feedback for me. I think it depends upon open communication, and knowing exactly what you want from someone, whether family or friends or ‘unbiased’ critique partners will be helpful to a writer. There are just as many hurtful things uttered by spiteful strangers as close kin.
I share my work with him for overall impressions rather than particular feedback, and never just ask “So what did you think?” and expect him to rattle off responses. He’s a reader, not a writer, so he’s a good sounding board for pacing, characters, etc. I ask him particular questions, whether a scene felt right, what his impression of something was, so I can tell whether it’s coming across or if it needs more work. He doesn’t tell me that, he knows I’m smart enough to revise my work however I think is best.
We’re pretty much in sync when it comes to our taste in stories, so keeping him somewhat abreast of what I’m writing (usually when I have enough distance from a chapter not to go back and revise if it needs work) makes for great brainstorming opportunities. It’s helpful to have someone else who knows the broad strokes if I want to weigh the pros and cons of killing off a character :)
I don’t seek feedback from any other close friends or family though, and temper writing group feedback with a grain of salt. Writers need to know our own work best, and be able to filter out feedback that’s completely off the mark, well meaning or no.
So, so true! When my mother read my first novel, See Jane Date, in manuscript form, she said: “I guess it’s cute, but it reminds me of those TV shows I can’t stand, like ‘Friends.'”
Well, I know my dear mom loves me, but I also know, based on what she likes to read, that she’s not my audience. But still. Learned my lesson. The “not my audience” factor has helped me with all negative comments/reviews, though, so turned out be a positive, happy to say.
My husband is great for reading that first rough draft because he looks at the plot logically and points out what doesn’t make sense to the reader. And he’s great for brainstorming. My daughter is a writer herself so understands the ins and outs of writing a book. And she’s great for copyediting. But it’s my writing partner who keeps me grounded and is truly my writing rock. To borrow form an AMEX ad: A good writing partner is priceless.
The only family member or friend who reads my work is my daughter. She knows how to frame her comments in a positive manner, even if she doesn’t like a word I wrote. No one else really is interested.
To be honest, that’s fine with me. I received a well-intentioned speech from a family member as a young adult. Took me several decades to recover and write with any seriousness — my fault, but lesson learned.
No family members read my work unless it’s published. (And, I wish there was a way to prevent that sometimes, too.) My in-laws and my own family are all big on reading and writing, and (like Jan above) their well-intentioned insights have been somewhat paralyzing to my output in the past.
Great advice. I used to show ONLY my mother and bf my writing (well, other than my professors/classmates, who had to read it) because they cared the most and really wanted to read it. Three years later, I have a group of wonderful crit partners and I show my mother and boyfriend nothing (at least not until I think it’s ready to go out into the world). Guess who’s never been happier, more productive, and a better writer? :P
Oh! Caveat: I’m in NO WAY blaming my mother or boyfriend for anything. Actually they both usually have great comments, but I am SO much more sensitive/defensive to what they say than anyone else’s remarks, so it’s counter productive. Also, neither of them really like to read the kind of stuff I like to write. So it’s not them, it’s me. (Cliche but true!)
I think it’s definitely true that you have to take into account what your family member likes and whether they’re interested in helping you. I used to share my work with more of my family, but I’ve winnowed it down because all I got was either a totally unhelpful “I liked it” with an inability to elaborate, or “It wasn’t my thing.” It’s tough to have your mother and mother-in-law talking about your book with you in the room and agreeing with each other as to why they really didn’t like it. Bleh.
Love this. :)
You’re lucky if you know someone who’s astute enough to praise the good things and tell you gently how you can improve the stuff that -in their opinion- doesn’t work. Some people just LOVE to emphasize the awful
discomfort they endured when you said in your manuscript that Munich and Hamburg were only 220 km apart. Any fool knows it’s 490, how could you be such a dunce? God, where did you go to school?
The readers who cannot see the forest for the trees can be useful,
but only after you’ve resolved major issues like structure.
Seems to be human nature: the minute you raise your head above the horizon,
someone takes a potshot at it.
John Meyer, NYC
I so agree with this blog and all the comments. Truer words were never spoken!
I think Tamara is right though, and chances are you’re going to go through this no matter what great advice you’re given. In a way it wakes you up and makes you rely on yourself as a writer more instead of always thinking about others’ opinions. At least it did for me.
I am extremely lucky, I guess. My husband is a very intellectual and well read man who shares my love of fantasy. We have the type of relationship where he can give me valuable feedback and ask questions that make me think. He knows his life wouldn’t be worth living anymore if he ever even tried to coddle me.
Actually I’m thrilled to hear this because the one thing that tends to bug me is that my husband has no interest in reading my work. Now I have more reason to just let it go… :D I love my critique group, but sometimes you do want that moral support even from the layman!