On Writing Sex (Or Not)
By Anna Elliott | November 19, 2010 |
I had kind of an interesting question come up during the editing process on my second book, Dark Moon of Avalon. I’ve been saving this post until Dark Moon was out in the world–but now it is, as of September. So without being too spoilerishly-spoily, there is a wedding scene in the book. And the original draft of the story I turned in to my editor had the lights being blown out just as the bride and groom retire to bed. Then the next chapter starts with a scene of the two of them waking up together the next morning. Without, you know, any actual description of what has gone on in the bed between the lights going out and the sun rising.
My agent, when he read the draft, actually singled that out as one of his favorite parts of the book–that the sex scene, though obviously there, happened off stage, as it were, and was left for the most part to the reader’s imagination. But my editor came back with the response (I’m quoting from her editor’s letter), “sex is more than okay in this kind of book. If you’re comfortable, please feel free to go all the way.” So I had to decide: add an actual sex scene, or not? Here are a couple of the factors that ran through my mind:
- I’m more or less a nice New England Puritan girl, born and raised. I will freely admit that writing sex is waaaaay outside my comfort zone. But at the same time, no good writing ever happened because a writer stayed inside her personal comfort zone all the time, you know? So that was hardly an excuse not to do as my editor asked. Actually, more the opposite. But balanced against that is my own personal opinion that:
- Written sex scenes are so often really, really bad. That’s just my own opinion, and feel free to disagree, by all means. But it seems to me that there’s a reason a Bad Sex in Fiction Award is handed out annually. Sex is so, so powerful. Sacred, really. And like all powerful, sacred things, it’s very difficult to put into words. I’ve absolutely read love scenes that are beautiful and authentic and brilliantly done. But (again, just IMHO) less is more when it comes to writing sex. As in, the more left to the reader’s imagination the better–sexier, even–it is. More than any other kind of writing, lovemaking scenes for me have the potential to go terribly, horribly wrong when too much is described. No names, but one that is stuck forever in my mind contains the line “his tongue was like a hot snail on her neck”. And from the context, that was supposed to be a good thing. So. On to the next point for consideration, which was:
- My own feeling is that an explicit sex scene should be absolutely necessary to the plot and major themes of the book. By which I mean, it should show something about the characters, give us some insight into their psyches and souls that we couldn’t see any other way. My own personal feeling was that a ‘before and after shot’ approach to the sex in my book was enough in terms of the character development. I didn’t feel like adding a sex scene would help the reader understand my characters or their emotional connection to each other any better. My agent agreed. But my editor obviously came down on the opposite side of the debate. So I decided–
Well, actually in the interests of not being spoilery, let me ask you: what would you have decided in my place? How do you feel about sex in fiction? Or–if anyone has read Dark Moon–do you think I made the right choice?
Anna Elliott is an author of historical fiction and fantasy. Her first series, the Twilight of Avalon trilogy, is a retelling of the Trystan and Isolde legend. She wrote her second series, the Pride and Prejudice Chronicles, chiefly to satisfy her own curiosity about what might have happened to Elizabeth Bennet, Mr. Darcy, and all the other wonderful cast of characters after the official end of Jane Austen’s classic work. She enjoys stories about strong women, and loves exploring the multitude of ways women can find their unique strengths. Anna lives in the Washington DC area with her husband and three children.
I consider the character when deciding to sex it up or not. Will they show an aspect of themselves we cannot see as a reader any other way? Sex is one of the ways that people come to know themselves, as well as know each other. Steve Almond has written some insightful and funny essays on writing sex. Comedy can be a great leavening agent in writing sex for me. We’re always thinking about something while having sex, and many times it’s got little to do with the action in the room.
And yes, when it’s well-written (think The Time Traveller’s Wife) it’s resplendent.
I’ve written three books, all following the two main characters from the first. I did exactly the same as you in my first book – describing their first shared kiss but no more, then jumping to them waking next morning at the start of the new chapter. I did try to write a sex scene for them, but found it highly embarrassing, and my husband advised me to leave it out and I agreed. I felt that the first time for them was kind of sacred and private, something that had come from a slow build up of romance, and that describing the details was a bit sordid and not fitting in with the style of the book. I did try to write the scene in detail but was horribly embarrassed by the whole thing, and my husband advised me to leave it out. In book three I have been more explicit, tho not graphically so. I think that’s an evolution of their relationship and somehow more acceptable. If I was told by an agent/publisher that it had to be described more, I would be torn – they would have to give me a good reason!
This just boosted the urgency I have to read your work! I feel that sex in fiction can be done well, but the writer has to tread carefully. If I ran across a tongue-snail comparison, I don’t think I’d be able to finish the book… Diana Gabaldon, (IMHO of course) the author of the Outlander series, handles sex well. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to read it, but it’s nothing to do with what she’s written.
It’s just nice that you care this much about writing and the portrayal of sex. Okay, B&N save me some Anna Elliott…!
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Anne,
Interesting post today. There will be varying degrees of opinions on this topic and they’ll be as subjective as the readers/writers can be which is a good thing.
In my opinion, sex scenes are better implied and not written out (that goes for movies too) unless the scene has a forwarding the story importance.
I prefer to not read gratuitous sex scenes. Over 95% of the time I skim or skip them or hit fast forward on the DVD player.
I guess I’m the opposite of a voyeur.
I think you and Ron are right, that a sex scene — like any other scene in a book! — should be *necessary* to the story. If it’s not, then the sex becomes gratuitous, and I hate that.
Like Ron said, though, when it’s good, it’s SO good. ;P
Another thing to consider is how the “light out”/”fade to black” is handled. Robin McKinley has some great fade-outs (the one in THE HERO AND THE SWORD comes to mind). Those can be just as fun and revealing as an explicit sex scene, IMO.
Like you, a New England Puritan, I can write sex scenes, but I always take them out and use the closed door.
In some way we, as writers, always put a bit of ourselves in books and I feel like I don’t want people wondering if the sex of the characters is the same sex a lover and I once shared. I mean, I know it’s a little strange but that’s why I don’t do it. I don’t want people wondering if she’s really me and he is my ex-. You know.
As for your question — what would I do in Dark Moon? I would have left the door closed. Now I’ll have to read it to see if you did.
Great post!
I’m almost never in favor of sex scenes. Everything that can be shown with all the bodies-in-motion stuff can be as well said without it. What matters most in sex is what’s going on in the minds of the participants, and what matters most in a sex scene is what’s going on in the mind of the reader. Too much detail can ruin it for the reader if the detail is not sexy to him. What’s sexy to the author is and should be irrelevant.
Besides, it makes me feel all oogey.
Marc Vun Kannon
https://authorguy.wordpress.com (yes, I have a blog post about sex too.)
Anna – I completely agree with your “less is more” approach. I think that sexual tension is SO much more powerful than a sex scene. I too have the before and after sex in my book, and I think that approach is more than enough for any well-written book. I’ve read SO MANY books that were ruined, in my opinion, by purely gratuitous sex scenes.
I’ve written romance, and the sex scenes are expected. However, my characters have ‘earned’ them by the time they get to that point in the book. I’ve had reviews saying ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ (including a rejection from a publisher). I think, as with everything else, it has to work for the story AND fit the genre with its reader expectations.
Terry
Terry’s Place
Romance with a Twist–of Mystery
I definitely agree with everyone who has said that less is more. Great post all around. This is one the hardest topics for me to deal with. No matter the project I’m dealing with, I hit a wall when it comes to the . . . um, “intimate parts.”
My former career asked that I become pretty comfortable with talk about body parts, and to be honest, I’m grateful for that. Makes parenting and a whole host of other decisions easier for me.
WRT fiction, though, for me the decisions about how much and if to include a sex scene comes down to sincerity, and serving the story. If a story has lush sensory detail and doesn’t stint in emotionality, especially if it’s willing to describe violence, eating, or other bodily functions in detail, then it feels odd to me when the sex scenes take place behind closed doors, especially if they are going to advance character or plot. That said, if they are not integral to the story, I’m disapointed as a reader.
I haven’t yet had the pleasure of reading your book, but I bet you made the right decision for you. In the end, that’s all we can do.
I think, as a couple of other commenters have noted, it has to serve the story. And of course, if it’s badly written: blech! (A “hot snail”? Really?)
Depending on what we’re writing, I think sometimes sex may even be necessary. It’s a big part of life, part of human relationships, and if we’re really digging deep into certain relationships, I think we risk skipping over key elements if we never write about sex. That doesn’t mean that we need to see the act every time our characters engage in it, but chances are, the way sex takes place between two characters will be significant every now and and then. Showing even a little of that can be just as illuminating as any other action, and it’s worth the hair-pulling, squirm-in-your-chair stress to try to get it right.
I’m definitely a less is more person. Unless there’s something comical, dramatic (or icky) that happens in bed that changes the story, let us use our imaginations.
But I have to note that when I was in my teens and didn’t have much information to spin into imaginings, I devoured anything steamy I could get my hands on. So it depends on genre and audience, I think.
I, too, am a less is more person. I can only give so much of myself away, and I feel like graphic sex scenes (whether or not they are based on actual events) are assumed to be based on actual events. I do like being taken to the line, but not over it.
What a provocative post! ;)
PS: I can’t wait to read your book.
Most of the books I hold in highest esteem don’t detail the sex scenes.
I’ve been writing romance for the last 15 years, and so I’ve written love scenes. But I do try to focus on the emotional aspects of the encounter and what this means for the people involved. In romance, a sexual relationship is usually part of the character’s personal journey. Or, I suppose, you could consider a *change* in sexual behavior as part of the arc. That’s the rationale behind all the rakish heroes who become faithful, right?
Otherwise, I’d rather the details were left to my imagination. I needed no more than the mental picture of Rhett carrying Scarlett up the staircase and her satisfied mood the morning after. I’m so often disappointed when I see the filmed version of a book…I’d rather choreograph sex for a favorite book on my own.
Very good discussion and one that’s needed. My opinion is that unless the genre is one where sex scenes are expected, implied is much better. I went through the same thoughts when writing my book, A Snake in Paradise. I ended up showing the foreplay, but fading to black on the rest. I think it heightens the tension between the characters without having to show it all. I find the same with movies. Unless there’s a real good reason for the scene, sex scenes are gratuitous to me.
I enjoyed this post. It’s a good issue to bring up.
This post comes at the perfect time for me. My main character is a day or two away from having sex with her love interest for the first time. I was leaning towards implied versus explicit, and this post and the related comments have firmed up my decision. Given that I’m not writing romance, and some of my nieces and nephews may read it someday, I know this is the way to go. Thank you for a great post!
just read an article today saying most people are at their happiest while in the middle of sex! sexual compatibility can make or break a relationship so showing how compatible (or not) they are might be integral to your story. but please, let’s not get a chapter and verse lifted from the Joy of Sex, esp. when the woman is a virgin.
This is a great topic! Writing sex scenes is such a difficult task and no matter what you do, it never seems to be right. That said, I’m currently writing a very sexy book (it’s about infidelity) so sex is sort a character all its own. As a previous commenter said, I usually write through the foreplay and then leave it at that. Who wants to have to decide what to call body parts? I sure don’t!
I 2nd Time Traveler’s Wife as the best sex scene I’ve ever read. I try to model mine after that. ;)
I’m in Ron Seybold’s writing group. Luv ya, Ron, but I’m not thinking of anything when I’m engaged in love-making (aka sex): I am outta-this-world. That being said… if I’m reading to get”turned-on” it’s unlikely I’d choose a romance novel.I’d choose pure smut. My fave romance novel that was a turn-on sexually appeared in Ladies Home Journal as a series;it was about Katharine Parr, Henry VIII’s last wife, and her true love Thomas Seymour (well, actually about all KP’s many marriages and sex with each of her husbands was described, Tom being her ideal). That was great romance and great sex. So sorry I can’t recall the name of the series printed in the mag(I’m fairly sure it was taken from a book). It was at least 4 decades ago, so not much was allowed to be stated … but it was so waaaay enough … absolutely titilating.
What great, insightful comments, everyone! I’m so, so happy to hear I’m not the only one to subscribe to a ‘less is more’ approach. Mallory, I totally agree that in some books the sex really is a ‘character of its own’ as you put it, and in that sense I absolutely agree it’s necessary to describe. Tracy, I absolutely agree, sex is a component of relationships and a part of love, and it is absolutely worth the effort to find the right words if they’re needed to deepen the reader’s understanding, you put it very well indeed! LOL at your comment, Anne, about devouring steamy books in your teens. I remember reading a Jean M. Auel book when I was 11 and had no concept of sex except in a ‘where do babies come from’ sense. Eye-opening, to say the least! And Kacey and Erika, you guys are so sweet! Hope you enjoy Dark Moon if you do get a chance to pick up a copy. And approve of my ultimate decision in handling the wedding night! ;-)
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I’ve written sex scenes in a couple of novels, but they weren’t very long or involved. One was in a coming of age novel, and sex was a new thing to the protagonist, so how he handled it and felt was an important character development.
In another, I used a sexy woman and sex to introduce the protagonist to an extrasensory ability that he needed to learn about, a sort of “mental touch.” In that one I just got things started and faded to black. Again, it was necessary character development, but when that was accomplished, I ended the scene.
Hot snail? Ew. Less snails please.
Right on, Anna! I don’t enjoy either writing or reading fiction that feels like the pages of a sex manual. So many otherwise wonderful books have been ruined for me by landing in a chapter featuring a warm snail trailing some body part or another. Not necessary, especially when you get a strong sense of how very hard an author is trying to hit the highest marks of erotica. Ick
I agree with minimalist descriptions of sex unless someone has that particular talent in writing, and some writers definitely do. I admire those that can create a sex scene and make it worthy of a reader’s attention, lifting up the power of sex rather than diminshing it. As mentioned by many, however, it must fit the flow and context and serve the purpose of the story, as opposed to a gratuitous or obligatory display that may come off as offensive to the complex beauty of sex.
Interesting post. I am intrigued by the idea of “leaving more to the reader’s imagination” when it comes to sex scenes. Writers are generally exhorted to “show, don’t tell”, and to utilize all five senses, so that the reader is in the midst of every important scene in a book. Yet in this instance, that advice seems to not apply. :)
Of course, I feel like “less is more than enough” when it comes to bloodshed and gore and violence–things that make ME squirm. :)
It really does come down to what is right for us as writers, what works best for our story, and what is the most honest and truthful choice for our characters.
I definitely agree that there is almost nothing that fails worse than a badly written sex scene, but I’m also going to come down on the other side of the question. Of course we don’t want gratuitous sex, but what is that, exactly? I had a book with a lot of descriptive sex, but it was also about a woman coming back to life, a chef who was deeply sensual, and her awakening to sex with her true mate seemed worth describing.
Sex is normal. Sex is interesting. The way people have sex is intriguing and adds to character development. I don’t have to have a lot of physical detail–it’s not about body parts–but I need emotional detail. I need to understand how these people make love to each other, in this situation. What does that say?
I’m often bemused by American squeamishness about sex. I’m more in the Salt-N-Pepa camp: Let’s talk about sex…all the good things, and the bad things. Let’s be honest and real with it.
Which might be exactly what you’ve done with your own choice. You’ve certainly hooked us!
Donna, I absolutely agree that it comes down to what’s best for us as writers and what’s best for our story–because every story is unique, so it’s really impossible to make a blanket statement that works for all. Re: “show, don’t tell”, though, I do think there’s a distinction between telling the reader: “They had sex. It was very satisfying” versus showing a scene of two characters kissing passionately, then another scene showing them waking up in bed together the next morning.
And Barbara, a special thanks for getting that Salt-N-Pepa song stuck in my head all morning! ;-) Kidding, kidding. I think the term ‘gratuitous sex’ is a really hard one to apply–you make an excellent point. Because (I hope) as writers we don’t write in anything that feels unnecessary to our story. What looks gratuitous to one reader was quite possibly an essential story component in the author’s mind. And I completely agree, the emotional detail–and even the physical details–of how two characters make love to each other can be essential to a story arc. Genre is a factor, too. I love books generally labeled as part of the romance genre, for example, and in those books sex is often an essential component of stories about love and romance.
Boy, did I get burned on the sex scene subject. I decided to try my hand at writing from a woman’s point of view in a woman’s voice in a novella, ‘Southwest’. It was a woman-on-woman situation. When I showed the results to my girl pals and my wife, they all booed me down. ‘Written like a man; slam-bam, straight to the kill, etc.’ I humbly retreated and rewrote the story as a mentoring tale and learned that you better know what you’re talking about when undertaking a sex scene. I was properly chastened.
My advice: go ahead and write the sex scene. It has to have a major impact on your characters, so you have to write it. But you don’t do the body parts and fluids thing unless you’re writing porn. You go inside the characters to see what is happening to them emotionally and whether it is bringing them closer together or pushing them further apart. Is she tentative or aggressive? Is he? Creative or conservative? Excited, trembling or mechanical, plodding? Fear, pain, pleasure? Is it runaway sex, slowly building? Is he disappointed in her or wildly surprised? Does she feel beaten up afterward or fulfilled for the first time in her life? How is each surprised by the other?
Just some suggestions to get you into the mood.
I can completely understand where everyone’s coming from with these posts that support the fade-to-black or less-is-more approach. However, I have to ask, at some point, don’t these approaches serve a little as a cop-out?
While I wouldn’t recommend including sex scenes simply for the sake of including them, I do think they say a lot about a writer’s willingness to punch through – instead of dance around – a sensitive subject. Hot snails aside, the very decision to address sex as directly as one would address any other part of human behavior sets a tone for a writer, a pledge of “Oh, yes, he did go there!”