Bite your tongue
By Kristan Hoffman | September 29, 2010 |
As writers, we’re used to having the last word. (“The End,” right?) In fact, we’re used to having every word. In our stories, we get to give voice to all of our thoughts, opinions, and experiences – be they fictional or otherwise. We hold the mic, and we don’t have to share.
Until we want to get published, that is.
Assuming that’s your goal, then suddenly there are going to be a lot of people grabbing the mic and telling you what’s what. Your friends, family, critique partners, potential agents and editors, and worst of all, your own Internal Editor. That’s a lot of voices competing for attention – the uproar can be overwhelming. My first inclination is usually to try and grab the mic back, to wrest the situation under my control again.
But here’s what I’ve learned (from years of being proven wrong): it’s better to bite your tongue.
Whether you get a critique you don’t agree with, a harsh rejection, or a scathing review, let it go. No matter how logical or witty you think they are, your retorts won’t win you any points. In fact, critique partners may think they’re wasting their time if you won’t even consider their thoughts and suggestions. Agents and editors will worry that you’re hard to work with. Readers might be turned off from your future work.
And it’s not just about what you could lose. If you learn to really listen, you might be surprised at how much you can gain.
Some of my best scenes, supporting characters, and deletions have come from criticisms I didn’t like at first. But after a lot of (internal) whining and a bit of sleep, I found myself coming around to them. Because – with the exception of a few trolls – people are not trying to be hurtful with their comments. They’re trying to be helpful.
Remembering that is the key to taking criticism well. Instead of feeling attacked and wanting to defend yourself, try smiling and saying, “Thank you, I’ll think about that.” Try seeing their point of view. Ultimately, no one can force you to agree, but if you don’t at least listen, how will you ever know if they have legitimate points or not?
So bite your tongue to keep from sabotaging your career. Bite your tongue to encourage valuable feedback that will improve your story. Bite your tongue because at the end of the day, your best defense isn’t anything you can say.
Your best defense is your best work.
(Photo courtesy of Nathan Lewis at Flickr)
Originally from Houston, TX, Kristan Hoffman studied creative writing at Carnegie Mellon University and later attended the Kenyon Review Writers Workshop. Now she lives with her husband and two children in Cincinnati, OH, where she writes both fiction and nonfiction with a focus on feminist, multicultural stories. Her words have appeared in the New York Times, Switchback, and the Citron Review, among others. She is currently at work on a Young Adult novel. For more, please visit her website.
thanks. It’s what I needed to hear.
This is a great and timely post. We all talk about having a thick skin. Well, this sums it up.
Remember; you can’t please everybody all the time. Not everyone will love what you do or what you write.
Thanks for the reminder!
I have real problems with handling criticism. I tend to take it personally. Thank you for the excellent advice.
Ah, I love the last line!
This is great advice, particularly for those just starting out with a critique group. Mine has a rule of “no talking back.” We read out loud, listen to what everyone has to say, take notes, smile and nod, and then go back to our seats. This is really hard for newbies who seem to take offense. You can see it in their eyes–sometimes they try to argue back (which gets the gavel!).
I also had to chuckle at your mention of “bit of sleep.” I don’t rule out anyone’s comment until the next morning. Sleep makes everything clear for me.
Cheers!
This is so true. No matter how irritating a comment is, or how much I’m resisting, I almost always find, after consideration, that I can take *something* away from it that improves the manuscript.
Yes, it is important to know how to listen to, how to hear and how to use criticism. And its just as important to let it shape your thinking so that you can ultimately self-critique as objectively as possible. But in the end, writers also need to know when to balance criticism with their own instincts to say, “this book done.”
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The ability to separate the “you” from the “work” is tough to achieve, but it’s definitely a required skill in this business. I have to force myself not to hit ‘send’ on any of my retorts. A good hit a chocolate can work wonders.
Terry
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Romance with a Twist–of Mystery
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Awesome post. :)
Best last line of a post ever. Great advice!!
Excellent advice, Kristan. Thank you!
Wonderful post, Kristan. Thank you!
Well said, Kristan. Love the last line in particular. :)
Thanks, everyone!!
Anne-
Yep, we had the no talking back rule in my college workshops too. It was good because it kind of forced you to listen, even when you didn’t want to. Then maybe by the time you talked, you had digested at least a bit of the criticism.
Kathleen-
Exactly! That’s such a valuable skill.
Sharon-
Both things you said (about developing self-criticism, and knowing when to trust yourself) are very wise and true as well.
Terry-
I’ve got some good writing buddies who help prevent me from hitting that send button. “I hope writing that out made you feel better, Kristan, because there is NO WAY I’m going to let you actually email it.” :P
And this is so timely for me because my agent is calling later to talk about the changes I need to make, on top of the changes I already made . . . and the most irksome thing of all is that his suggestions are always RIGHT and make my books better. Is anything more annoying than that? I am so thankful he’s in my corner.
Such great advice.
I blogged about this exact topic just a few days ago. I compared criticism of my writing to a Indiana Jones Temple of Doom getting-your-heart-ripped-out-of-your-chest experience. And you are right, Kristan — once you get over the fact that people are telling you to change your precious baby and start looking closer at your work, you may find that those harsh critics were on to something.
Ah, yeah, let it go gracefully. Everyone will have an opinion, and not all of ’em will be good, but i’d bet a lot of it will be valuable.
Absolutely the best advice ever! This is situation almost every author needs to tackle somewhere in their career!
Thanks Kristan!
Great post! It’s really hard for the writer to be objective, and that’s where other readers can be so valuable. After a while, critiques become an important part of the process.
Kristan, you’re right that people are trying to be helpful with their comments, and at first that can be hard to recognize. But it can also be encouraging that someone really makes the effort to analyze and explain what isn’t working for them in your manuscript–it’s often things we can’t see ourselves.
Sarah-
Few things feel worse than knowing someone else is right about your being wrong. :P
Les-
LOVE how you distinguished between being “good” and being “valuable”! It’s a very fine line.
Donna-
Very true. Which is precisely why we don’t want to scare those wonderful people off!
I’ve also found it’s important to recognize where you are with respect to your emotional attachment to your own manuscript. When you are in love with your current work (particularly the first glow), it is way harder to handle any kind of criticism. Then criticism and advice deflate you. It’s equally difficult when you’re out of love with it, wonder why you wanted to be a writer in the first place, and can’t see how to ‘fix’ it. That’s when criticism or advice can totally derail you.
Great post, Kristan! Love the last line.
Jeanne-
Yes, that’s a very good point! Inviting criticism too early in the process can really discourage or stunt some writers (even if the feedback is good, strangely enough). It all depends on the writer, though. So it’s important for each of us to learn when and how we best receive feedback.
Great advice, Kristan! Both in person and online, I have seen writers last out with anger, condescension, and dismissive sarcasm in response to perfectly reasonable critique. It’s sad, really, because everyone benefits from thoughtful feedback — no piece of writing is so bad it can’t be salvaged, and none is so good it can’t be improved.
(Of course I say this now — in a few months when reviews of The Kitchen Daughter start showing up, I may have to remind myself of this “bite your tongue” wisdom!)
Thank you! Fantastic advice that I will save and review and review and review (yeah, I need it!).
Great post! Criticism is often hard to hear but worth consideration.
While I often struggle to accept some comments directed at my work, when I go away and think about what was said I see the sense in it and often, though not always, go beyond what was suggested.
The result is tighter, crisper prose. And well worth the initial blow to my pride. :D
Jael-
“no piece of writing is so bad it can’t be salvaged, and none is so good it can’t be improved.” – yep yep yep!
I also think it’s a wise idea to bite one’s tongue in response to “bad” criticism too. I mean, what’s there to gain? It’s just as easy to ignore it, and you look much more gracious.
Great advice, Kristan. In my experience, critiques no matter how painful or rankling at first, usually have merit. Even if you ultimately decide to trust your gut on a particular issue, you’ve learned that not every reader is going to love your work.
Better to learn that as an unpublished author than when you get your first scathing review as a published one.
– Liz
Love this! The last line is classic. I think being open to criticism is the fast track to improvement and success, but you have to be able to gauge it with what you know about your writing. Sometimes I’m too quick to AGREE and I have had to learn that not every comment is gold.
Sarah-
That’s a great point. Hopefully biting one’s tongue allows you to sit back and not agree too quickly either. I guess the whole idea is to digest before speaking.
Great post Kristan! And so true. I have a great first reader, trust her totally and pretty much make every change she suggests without thinking about it much at all. But if anyone else makes a suggestion the defensive walls come up!
Great post. Excellent advice!
Such a great post, Kristan. It’s definitely tough not to take commentary personally at times, especially when your novel feels a bit like a baby you’re putting out there in the world. No one wants to be told how to be a good parent (well, I’d assume, anyway), and it can be difficult to listen to suggestions about this figurative baby, too. Hear the advice, yes, but to really listen? I think we have to be dedicated to that. You’re right, though – sometimes it’s essential. Sometimes taking those comments and following them is the best thing we can do for our baby – and ourselves.
Loved Jael McHenry’s ‘no piece of writing is so bad it can’t be salvaged, and none is so good it can’t be improved’. Did you make that up, Jael? Great line.
Also want to thank Sharon Bially for the…’that’s it, kids. It’s DONE!’
I take ALL comment and suggestions with a ‘WOW, that’s interesting’ and ‘hmmm, let me see how I might use that’ and take notes. But, I also accept the responsibility that it is MY work and must protect its essence. Some ideas will improve MY work and some will just make it someone else’s story or emotion or dialog.
Great advice. Especially ” If you learn to really listen, you might be surprised at how much you can gain.” I had to learn to do this with the positive comments. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until a few weeks ago.
Great advice. Most people are indeed trying to be helpful. Best to let their comment stew for a while before acting on it.
I hate biting my tongue. Although, I should probably do it more often.
True story! That tongue biting thing comes in handy. :)
Kristan, you’re wise and totally correct!
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