The fine art of ego management
By Ann Aguirre | August 11, 2010 |
That title is spot on for what I want to talk about today.
First, let’s discuss our own egos. It can be easy to get puffed up because someone liked a book, or because we passed a milestone. But it’s important to stay in touch with reality — not to let our own hype cloud our minds. We’ve all heard stories about celebrities who changed after they became famous. There are a few authors like this, certainly, and to some degree, change is good. But not when it disconnects you from normal boundaries of sense and good judgment. So here are some strategies to keep yourself in check, should you attain some measure of success.
1) You’re not always right. If people argue with you, whether it’s about your book (or politics or religion), it doesn’t mean they’re automatically wrong because they share alternate opinions. Listen to what other people have to say and don’t type angry.
2) Success shouldn’t change you completely. If you find yourself cutting ties with all your old friends, that’s a problem. There was a reason you were friends in the first. Ask yourself this: is it because they don’t treat you with awe like everyone else, because they knew you in your pre-fame days? If so, then take two steps back, apologize for falling out of touch and buy your old pals dinner, because you need them to remind you where you came from.
3) Other people matter. If you start seeing folks as tools or means to an end, and you only cooperate or make nice to get what you want from them? You have an ego-swelling problem in need of emergency maintenance. Conversely, do be wary of people who eye you as a rung on the way up the ladder, but don’t let it blind you to the opportunity to make new friends. You’ll learn to tell when someone really likes and when they like the idea of knowing you.
4) Remember your struggle. Most people didn’t get where they are without some fight, whether it’s in publishing, the corporate world, or an entrepreneurial environment. If you pay it forward now and again, you’ll not only enrich your karma, but it will keep you in touch with other people who are still climbing the hill behind you.
5) Last and most important, make a reality-check friend along the way, someone who will tell you when you’re being absurd and insane and will not let you buy a pet elephant to ride down the streets of your hometown when you make your triumphant return for a whirlwind twenty city book tour. This friend will be honest with you, no matter how little you like hearing you. But it’s always up to you to listen.
But wait, there’s more! There’s not just your ego to consider. There are other people’s as well. Are you honest enough to be a reality check friend for someone else? Tell them if they’re going too far? I think I could be… for some people. With others, honestly, I would be afraid to broach the subject because I think they’ve already gone too far down that road unchecked and nothing I say will matter.
There’s also the question of kindness. Say you agree to judge a contest and you’re asked to give feedback on each submission. (This has happened to me.) But the partials you read are all really terrible. How do you give helpful feedback that won’t totally destroy someone else’s ego and leave them unable to work at all when you really think the answer is, “Try again.” It’s a hard balance between bald truth and constructive criticism, and sometimes there’s just nothing constructive to be said. The project is flawed. I’m not good at this, even now, and have started avoided judging contests for this reason.
Other situations will arise, like when you’re asked to blurb a book by someone you like but don’t know well, and the manuscript just doesn’t work for you. There are techniques I’ve learned to manage this without hurting anybody’s feelings. It all contributes to the fine art of ego management.
If you have questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.
Photo courtesy Flickr’s !unite
Ann Aguirre is a bestselling, multi-published author with a degree in English Literature. She is a prolific writer, with nine releases planned for 2011 alone. She writes romantic science fiction and urban fantasy under her own name. As Ava Gray, she writes high-octane romances. She also writes “hot paranormal apocalyptic action” with fellow author Carrie Lofty under the pseudonymn Ellen Connor. Follow her on Twitter.
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You’ve made some excellent points in this post; it’s all to easy for a person (writer or otherwise) to be swept away in the heady tide of success. One thought I’d like to broach is, what happens when one no longer has anything in common with “old friends”?
It’s a very real possibility that – because of the different life experiences one now has – that the commonality between friends simply disappears and best friends can become friends who no longer understand each other or have anything except fond memories between them. I suggest that if one honestly feels it is not arrogance or ego making one distant from one’s old friends, that it’s okay to let them go – with love, respect and thanks for all the good memories.
Judy
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Man, oh man, I really wish my writing career was at a point where I had to worry about keeping my ego in check. Next year! That’s the goal: publish book, sign movie deal, become ridiculously famous, get carpal tunnel from signing books, remain humble.
The part about not damaging other people’s egos, however, that’s good advice for everyone. It actually became a HUGE issue at my critique group last year where some new writers left because the critiques were right on target, but delivered too harshly.
This was a very good reminder. Thanks Ann!
“Don’t type angry.” Ohhhh, that’s a good one. Something writers at all points in their career should take to heart.
Lol ditto what Anne Greenwood Brown said, although I do have RSI (carpal tunnel’s baby sister)… o_O
Great advice all around. And I think this can apply to a writer at almost any stage of the game.
“Other situations will arise, like when you’re asked to blurb a book by someone you like but don’t know well, and the manuscript just doesn’t work for you. There are techniques I’ve learned to manage this without hurting anybody’s feelings. It all contributes to the fine art of ego management.”
I’d love to know more about those techniques, Ann!
The question of kindness is crucial. And how to balance it with honest, which is vital if you really want to help. Part of a writer’s job is (or should be) knowing how to accept critiquing and process others’ opinions. So there should be a certain level of tolerance for hearing things like, “I think this needs to be re-written.” And I think if you can use a gentle delivery, it’s better to err on the side of honesty if your opinion is requested rather than remain silent and not really help at all.
Judy, I would say that as long as the friendships are ending through natural life-drifting, then you’re spot on. But if the reason is, “they’re not cool enough anymore” or if the person is “trading up” his or her friends for those who are more successful, more attractive, looks better in pictures, whatever, then I see that as a problem. Authors need people who thought they were awesome before the world did.
Anne, it can be really hard to learn how to deliver comments that do the job without crushing someone else’s ego. It can be a very delicate operation (and when I was a kid, I always made the buzzer go off).
Jael, that is so true. There have been a few times when I’ve turned to my reality-check friend to talk me down.
Kristan, I find the magic trick is never promise anything. No matter how much I like the person requesting the blurb I never give an unconditional yes. I always say, “I’m willing to take a look if I have time. When do you need this by?”
That way, if I hate the book, I can just say, “I’m sorry, my deadlines were too tight, and I couldn’t get to it.” Since I also say that when I really don’t have time, there’s no way to tell which it is in this person’s case and nobody’s feelings are hurt.
Sharon, you’re so correct about this. It is worth it to try and help, but we have to take care how we go about it.
Ah, ego is such an important yet fragile thing for writers. We have to have a healthy ego, or we’d never write. We’d tear up every paragraph that makes it onto paper. And then, when we put ourselves out their for critique, we’re crushed when someone tells us they didn’t like that part. I find a healthy balance is best. Yes, I think I’m good (downright awesome sometimes!), but I still recognize I’ve got a lot to learn and a lot of room for improvement.
I hope I don’t sound too harsh, but I truly believe anyone who changes who they are because they get a significant amount of money and/or a lot of new people singing their praises is a fool.
I won second place at a writers conference in the Spring and I was rather shocked at how people treated me afterward. People that weren’t giving me the time of day, suddenly couldn’t stop talking to me. One that particularly stands out, had actually been rude to me just moments before, and after my win, wanted to talk shop, exchange emails etc. They even followed me to lunch. The person did have enough sense to apologize, but wouldn’t have if I hadn’t won.
I was exactly the same person before and after winning. What had changed wasn’t me, but people’s perception of me. This was a big lesson learned. If you begin to believe the hype about yourself, you’re delusional about your true worth. This is just my humble opinion, and anyone is free to disagree, but bear this in mind, the word of God says “don’t think think more highly of yourself than you ought to.”
Watch it. Vanity is just waiting to swallow you whole.
June, sadly what you describe is pretty common in this world. Your achievement made people suddenly think you’re worth knowing. “Oh, she might be going places… I better make friends with her.” And it’s really shocking, especially if they think you don’t remember when they were rude to you. I’m sorry that happened, but glad it was with strangers instead of people you considered your friends.
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Excellent post. Other people’s egos are at least as important as your own.
Thanks for sharing :)
Great timing for this post. I just got back from presenting at a conference. I was really worried that I’d tank but I did a great job. Folks wanted to talk to me, everyone treated me like a minor rock star. I even had a cute guy hit on me (something that hasn’t happened for 20 years!) It was all great! Then I had to catch a ride home from the conference with friends, got wedged into the back seat amongst the luggage and had to consciously make my self slow down and get back to the real world. When I got home my husband was so proud of himself because he’d replaced our downstairs toilet that frequently overflows and he’d gotten the kids to clean their bedrooms just because he knew it would make me happy. He carried in my bags, had dinner ready and then listened to me prattle for an hour about the wonderful time I had and what a great job I did. Now that man, ladies — he’s the real rock star. I feel fortunate that so far I’ve been able to remember that.
One of the most astonishing things to me about the writing world is how much time and energy can be taken up by these interpersonal issues. I’m glad you’re writing about them. Fresh on the heels of a writing conference, I’m similarly preoccupied.
It was a pleasure to meet you in real life, Ann. If it helps, you still come across as a “real” person to me.
We all have an ego the thing that I always try to reflect on in relation to my ego is wether my ego is in control of me or am I in control of my ego. In life the latter is to commonly obvious. A strategy that I find works when in a group environment is to ask questions and now for the important part “listen to the answers”. Listening for 2/3rds of the time and speaking for 1/3rd is a great starting point, Just my humble opinion